Preppers Accidentally Boost 2012 US Economic Outlook

Posted: June 4, 2012 in 2012, News, Politics, Satire, Silly
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

American Redoubt, ID (CN) – The US economy grew by 1.9% in the 1st quarter of 2012, saving it from the double dip recession currently bumming out big chucks of Europe.  Economists have pointed to ‘Preppers’ as the reason the US economy did not double dip the depression chocolate in the recessionary peanut butter.

TEOTWAWKI? Bring It On!

Preppers are Americans who try to bring maximum excitement to their dull, pointless existence by preparing for the shit to go down big time.  They are known primarily as middle class white consumerists who stockpile huge reserves of food and essential survival equipment like water filters, bug out bags and cool Tumblr pages.

I no survive with no LOLZ katz TUMBLR

For most of American history Preppers were simply called ‘Mormons’ or ‘Survivalists’ and lived well outside mainstream acceptance.   But with the global economy in the global shitter and the rise of Mitt Romney, being a Prepper is down right preppy.

The Television now has 16 reality shows dedicated to all things ‘Prepper’ including:

National G’s DoomsDay Prepper
VH1′s nostalgic Sgt. Preppers Lonely Heart Club Band
Travel Channel almost intelligent Anthony Bourdain’s No Preparation
NBC‘s popular sitcom Prep and Recreation
AMC‘s Madmen
Discovery‘s Doomsday Bunkers
Bravo‘s Queer Eye for the Survivalist Guy
E‘s comedy review show The Freeze Dried Soup
HBO‘s adult themed Gloryhole
Showtime‘s adult themed Idaho-ication
BBC America‘s Top Prep
Univision‘s telenovela Mi Amor, Mi Refugio de Tormenta
MTV‘s Pimp my Pantry
Animal Planet‘s Meet the Preppers
Lifetime‘s new movie: All my Mayan left me was a broken heart and an empty larder
and
Sci-Fi Channel‘s Apocalypse 2235 a.d.

According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics Prepper purchases of peanut butter, Big Berky water filters, totally awesome looking .308 long rifles, orange plastic buckets and other gear deemed essential for survival were responsible for 18% of all US economic activity in the first part of 2012.

Filling the economy full of lead with my trusty .308

Noted Prepper and blogger Stockton Stash told Consumptionblog,  “Me and my family bought 6.9 metric tones of rice so far this year after it looked like Ron Paul might not win the Republican nomination.  If that helps keep the American economy afloat until the Mayans decide to reverse the poles, so be it.”

According to Bearish Futures analyst, Andy Gibbs, “It may have been unintentional but Preppers are a bulwark against the US turning into a PIIGS.  If only the Greeks had begun canning Moussaka by the millions about a decade ago they could have avoided all this.”

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