Archive for the ‘Satire’ Category

State of the Playa 2013

Every year the state of the playa surface that provides so much support against the evil forces of gravity present new and interesting challenges to Burners.  2013 is no different.

After persistent thunderstorms the playa finds itself in a condition like 90s pop band flavor of the month Wet Wet Wet.  This is a vast improvement over the playa conditions in 2003 that were deemed by DPW to be ‘Tony! Toni! Toné!‘.  Getting anything heavy into the playa for the Burn will be a challenge without Four Wheel Drive.  Leave your Prius at home.  Mud is reported to be 2 feet deep in areas and was reported to have almost swallowed the SpaceCowboys Unimoog during an ill advised 4th of Juplaya rave.

car-in-wet-playa

The Playa Before it Started Raining

Burning Man is trying it’s admirable best to deal with this situation.  DPW is in the midst of laying down a tremendous amount of cardboard to make the mud more passable.  This may help for those lucky enough to be on early arrival passes, but by the time you regular, non-special Burners are let in Sunday night…well…y’all are fucked.  Be prepared to leave your car on the side of the playa and walk in.  Bring only what you are able to carry on your weak, lily white collegiate backs.

ART! 

 To those setting up art projects out on the playa.  According to emergency regulations just issued by The Artery, ‘Any installation bigger than a breadbox will need rebar anchors no less than the size of a man’s thumb in width and 24″ inches in length’ to prevent your art from sinking irretrievable into one of the thirteen mud encrusted entryways to hell found in Nevada (the other 12 are found in Vegas).

It’s not a Playapocalypse, more like  a Playapocalipso

 Another danger is that that sun will actually come out and bake the mud dry.  This sounds like a great miracle that will save Burning Man from being a muddy morass of dubstep’d mayhem.  But beware Burners!  Danger lies in that there sun.  The playa is made of heavily concentrated alkaline soil.  When soaked in water over a long enough length of time and then exposed to the UV rays of the sun a chemical reaction takes place.  Normally innocent, non-violent soil is turned into a mild explosive when brought into contact with flames for 10 minutes or longer.  Poi and art-based flame affects more than 3 feet off the ground aren’t affected.  However, new emergency regulations issued by The Cookery state:  “Propane cookers and camp stoves without exception are banned with immediate affect.”  The Cookery suggests cooking your bacon, cous cous and potato chips with a dehydrator, solar oven, or just eating out of cans all week like those bro-stepping tourists camped beyond ‘F’.

 Leave your bikes at home! 

With the ubiquitous mud bikes will only slow you down this year.  Hiking boots, moon shoes or just plain old ‘hippie barefoot’ is the recommended mode of transport this year.  Yes Burners, you’ll have to trudge on foot to the 120 dB dubstep before you awkwardly pretend to dance to that arrhythmic aural nonsense.

 That is all, please enjoy your Burn.

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Gerlach, NV (CB) – While you can be certain you’ll be hearing ‘Get Lucky’ and the golden throated voice of Giorgio Morodor all over the playa this year, will the French electronic duo actually perform at Burning Man for the first time since 2002?

SNF23DAFT3 young

Young Daft Punk perform at Opulent Temple in 2002.

The answer is almost certainly a qualified ‘wee’.  After having passed on the opportunity to expand their customer base at Burning Man 2011, Consumption Blog believes Daft Punk has been slowly building themselves up to a massive tour and are actively sending out unmistakeable signs Burning Man is their launching pad.

Behold the following FACTS:

  • The Daft Brothers chose not to perform at Coachella, instead staying backstage and watching the opiated masses swoon over their ad.  Performers at Coachella are required to sign an exclusivity contract saying they will not play at other hot festivals in the desert.  By not playing Coachella, Daft Punk left the door wide open to playing Burning Man. BassNectar, not so much.
48b0d17b

Daft Punk Tackle Monaco

  • Daft Punk sponsored an art car at the Monaco Grand Prix.  The DMV just raised the speed limit to 205mph and added a wicked set of double S turns in deep playa beyond the Temple.  Coincidence?
daft-punk-race-car-wide

The speed limit is 205 mph right?

  • The mini-documentaries Daft Punk created in the lead up to the release of ‘Random Access Memories’ featured only males geeking out about technical musical minutiae and not remembering the night before.
moroder

Giorgio doing his best Larry Harvey impersonation, perhaps just a bit too happy…

  • In an interview with Vogue in which they posed with a sparkle pony modeling playafied hair, Guy Monte Cristo stated their undying love of steambaths and lavender.  “Lavender after a nice steambath with a bunch of naked hippies increases your Alpha rays which have been proven to increase play and creativity.”  “Guy is correct,” interjected Tommy Bangin’ Bass .  “We hit the steambath every chance we got while making this album and hope to be doing so again real soon.”

    VOGUE-Daft-Punk-Karlie-Kloss-5

    Two Punks and a Sparkle Pony Walk into a bar…

So there you have it fellow Burners and jaded ravers. That’s as close to a ‘yes’ as you are ever going to get from the soundtrack challenged French Electronic Duo of Some Repute.  So expect to see Daft Punk performing at Burning Man this year.  Perhaps not at one of the large sound camps already overbooked with dub step acts of dubious quality but perhaps wherever you might find a combination of lavender and a wood burning Finnish designed steambath.

Dear Burning Man,

When I saw the news flash of a meteorite hitting Russia today I immediately ascribed it’s origins to Burning Man.  As a long time Burner, how could I not?  For more on this unique event I went to the source, BurningMan.com.  What I found was a cover up of all evidence the meteorite stirke was caused by the people who run Burning Man.  Burners.me will soon have the full story I am sure.

The Real Burning Man Project?

Instead what I found was a recent posting on the 2012 Burning Man Census helpfully entitled:  BRC Census: Were You Counted? Did You Count? Can You Count?  And it dawned on me.  My camp, the eternal Bumblepuss, is Burning Man.

Just look at these numbers and tell me I’m wrong:

AGE
Under 20 years: 4% (1% – 7%)
20 – 40 years: 71% (65% – 77%)
Over 40 years: 24% (19% – 29%)
Average age: 34 (33 – 36)

CURRENT GENDER
Female: 38% (32% – 44%)
Male: 60% (56% – 65%)
Both/neither/fluid: 1.5% (< 1% – 3%)

Percent of population who are at Burning Man for the FIRST TIME
39%* (32% – 45%)

TICKET SOURCE
Burning Man: 60% (55% – 64%)
friend: 27% (25% – 28%)
stranger: 6% (2% – 11%)
third party reseller: 3.3% (2.6% – 4.1%)

TICKET PRICE
More than face value: 6% (4% – 7%)
Face value: 74% (72% – 75%)
Less than face value: 8% (5% – 11%)
Gift: 5% (3% – 7%)

MISCELLANEOUS
Percent of eligible voters who VOTED in at least one of the last four federal US elections
83% (80% – 87%)

Political party affiliation among eligible voters
Democratic: 34% (30% – 38%)
None: 33% (26% – 40%)
Republican: 24% (18% – 29%)
Other: 3.5% (2% – 5%)
Green: 1.5% (< 1% – 2.2%)

Percent of the population for whom English is their first language
86% (81% – 90%)

Percent of population who reside in the US
76% (59% – 93%)

Except the fact that Bumblers are all hedonistic consequentialists practicing radical anarcho-syndicalism in all aspects in our lives and thus uniformly vote Republican, sans two wild and wooly Kantian Canadians, you basically nailed the nail on the head with the Burning Hammer of Truth.

Because of this radical self expression of group similarity between Bumblepuss and Burning Man I suggest that in 2013 you simply take a census at Bumblepuss.  This would save the time and money of the BMorg and perhaps lower the ticket prices by .25¢.  Volunteers could be used for other purposes such as staying in Reno and preparing the Grand Sierra Resort for the after party.   Finally, those concerned with the relentless measurement-ization of Burning Man would have their worse Orwellian fears simultaneously assuaged and inflamed.

We at Bumblepuss after a long days work helping naked people into the Steambath Project puff our chests out, put our hands up and say,

“Count Us, Burning Man; for We, Bumblepuss, are Burning Man!”

Dear Consumptives – the following fond remembrance of Daniel ‘Dany Boy’ Inouye, Senator, War Hero and Dead Man was submitted anonymously by an old friend who I once knew as The Minister of Tolerance.

mortuum flagellas,mea culpa, Danny Boy, Senator

Mortuum Flagellas, Mea Culpa,   Danny Boy, Senator

Senator Danny Inouye; a Remembranc

by The Minister of Tolerance

Following the most timely demise of our U.S. Senate President Pro Tempore, I was asked to recall my fondest memory of the senior Senator from our westernmost colony. Thought I’d share it with you:

The year was 1993. I, a lowly page for the House of Representatives was carrying a whole bunch of boxes over to one of the Senate office buildings, because, as you may know, Senate pages are far too busy filling water glasses and taking naps to perform physical work. Said boxes were probably heavy and certainly unwieldy, as I expect they contained the budget books. (Flashback:  Those were the OBRA years, halcyon days in which Congress actually managed to pass Omnibus Budget Reconciliation Acts for the entire government! All at once! Every year, no less! They were contained in ridiculously long green-covered tomes from the Government Printing Office that had to be distributed — one per office — throughout the Capitol Complex.)

So anyhoo, here I am, minding my own business, not doing anything too important (just ensuring the continuity of government in the capital of the free world; y’know, nothing major), struggling with all that stuff. I took a bit of a shortcut by riding the subway over to the office complex belonging to Congress’ Elderly Chamber (that is, the Senate). Standing up in the train, I peered over the glass to ensure nobody was coming (those were the old trains, before the Spendthrift Chamber — that is, the Senate — blew all sorts of money on unnecessary robot shuttles), and proceeded to step off with the intent to make my way upstairs.

Contemporaneously, and unbeknownst to me, an old guy from Hawaii was walking around with a bunch of his yes-men, no doubt plotting evil. I have no proof that said evil involved something about making sure that the intern from Indonesia would be able to deliver said Senator’s eulogy in the next century:

“But, sir, we’ll never get Barry Soetoro elected! His name sounds too much like Suharto! Besides, his mother is a… well, let’s just say her name is Stan.”

“Silence, you fool! Just use your last name on the phony birth certificate!”

“But… but… sir, I’m Irish! Nobody will believe his name is O’Bama!”

“Didn’t I tell you to be silent, fool? Haven’t you ever heard of the black Irish?! Now do it before I strike you down with my Hattori Hanzo steel!”

Anyhoo, while the gentleman from Hawaii (state motto: “It’s spelled Hawai’i, dipshit!”) was tossing rude epithets toward his yes-man, said member of the Senior Politicians’ Tour Chamber — that is, the Senate — charged ahead onto the train, specifically in my direction, as fast as his legs could carry him… ultimately slamming full-on into the stack of boxes that poor li’l ol’ me was attempting to lug.

Now, I’m no expert in Newtonian physics, but I know he was doing some kind of evil that violated natural law, because the force apparently acted upon HIM and not me, almost as though I were the one not watching where I was going — which, as you know, is quite impossible.

So at that point, Sen. In-No-Way slammed into the boxes I was carrying, which caused him to tip backwards and nearly fall on his senatorial keister.

It made a noise not unlike *THUD!*, to which the senator replied, “Oof!”

Fortunately for the member of that most august Near-Death Chamber — that is, the Senate — his yes-man was standing directly in line with said keister, absorbing the impact and ensuring that our first Japanese-American Senator remained upright.

Nevertheless, the gentleman from you-know-where had a touch of trouble stabilizing himself, as the spot where the boxes hit was unusual, as it was missing an arm.

Oops.

All I remember was ensuring my ID and nametag was covered up as I hightailed it out of there.

The moral of this story? None, except that we can prove that the senior Senior from the Five-Oh state has (had) no sense of humor, because — at no point — and in no way — (get it? In no way? Inouye? Ha! I kill me!) — in no way did he say, “Nyuk nyuk nyuk.”

6:30 and Something, maybe D, sorta near Nectar Village, NV (CN)  – I found this headlamp at the Burn.  Is it yours? Sorry I took so long.

Yours? Really?

Yours? Really?

Decompression was really tough and if I’m honest, I kinda like using it.

I think it’s a BlackDiamond.  It was Tuesday after the Burn, it was in a bag on an abandoned bike on 6:30 and something, maybe D, sorta near Nectar Village.  It was extremely dusty.  From the location I found this headlamp I could see a Budget rental truck, a couple tents and the flags from the top of Center Camp.

headlamp3a

Do you use Duracell? Then this might be yours.

Perhaps the biggest identifying element on it is the Duracell batteries.  They still power the headlamp.

From the Playa to the Galaxy

From the Playa to the Galaxy

If you believe this to be your headlamp, please submit a story how you lost it in the comments section below and then mail a blood, hair and stool sample plus $125 cash for testing to the Hotel Galaxy in Changuinola, Panama, Bocas Del Toro, Avenida 17 de Abril c/o ‘Gringo’s Lost Headlamp’ where it currently provides light during occasional power outages.   The headlamps rightful owner, once identified, will arrange to meet me at Burning Man 2013, Cargo Cult in Nevada, somewhere around 6:30 and something, sorta near Nectar Village.

Thank you.

Black Rock City – Stick a fork in their bloated Adidas visored corpse.  Ravers at Burning Man are done.  After many years of Raver dominance over the hippies at Burning Man, hippies may be sitting in the cultural throne for many years to come.

Your time is done.

For years hippies at Burning Man were relegated to second class citizens.  Their drum circles were drown out by blissful anthem trance and hypnotic progressive house; they were relegated to slouching around Human Carcass Wash and HeeBeeGeeBee Healers.  In a sign of how fast things change, it was only 2011 when hippies took over the mantle of dominant subculture at Burning Man.

The soon to be ineffectual World Hippie Council released a short, celebratory statement to the media:

 “This year us hippies demonstrated that the future is a moccasin stomping on a rolling ravers face – forever.  No judgement.”

That’s right – we’re number one!

At a meeting to sign a formal treaty of surrender in the parking lot of a Beats Antique show in Omaha, Raver kingpin Syd Gris announced long time raver palace ‘Opulent Temple’ was closing up shop. “Ravers are no longer ‘Children of the Night’, said Syd in the post surrender ceremony press conference.  “Most ravers are now  parents who occasionally do a bump of blow in some suburban breakfast nook listening to a scratchy Goldie album in jittery nostalgia between over anxious texts with the babysitter.”

“All that Calvin Klein and shitty pressed pills finally caught up with us.” – Josh Wink

Double Stacked!

Analysts say Hippies had several demographic, economic and cultural trends going for them.  The 2012 apocalypse popularity was always going to favor the hippies.  And once hippies accepted bass music and dubstep into their ouvre the ravers days were numbered.

“The coveted 18-25 demographic swung almost over night to the Hippies once Bassnectar got hot.” – Gallup Research

Longtime Hippie Burner Dusty Lentil said on his tumblr blog ‘Boulder is Awesome, Man': “Ravers and their googley eyes can talk about PLUR all they want but ravers = conspicuous consumption capitalists – that worked great in the boom years. Thankfully for us the economy collapsed.  Ever since 2007 it got a lot easier to get a girl into bed talking shit about ‘the man’ around a campfire beating on a drum, rolling a cigarette.”

Some Ravers hold out hope of a revival a few years down the road.  Found on one electronic dance music forum an anonymous poster said, “Ravers will be back at Burning Man.  Morning trance will never be defeated.  At least we still have Ricardo Villalobos and Kompakt – thank fuck for Germany.”


Facebook Buttons Image 3721  Burner Map

In a move to apparently become the next Myspace, Facebook is acquiring yet another social networking site with a loyal following. It was announced today that the internet giant is buying BurnerMap. The app, described on AngelList as “Google Maps for Sparkle Ponies,” currently helps about half of all Burning Man attendees find where their friends are camping.

BurnerMap nemesis Crankydust, founder of the Association of Burners for Burning Burner Map (ABBBM) was mildly disappointed with the purchase. “Decomidi-fuckin-fication folks!  What’s next? An ad shoot for Krug?  Coffee sales in center camp?  No sex allowed in tents!? Some flaming pumpkin seed monster/lemonade stand “art piece”? This event has gone to hell!”

Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg explained the reasons behind the acquisition.  “On their website they call Facebook ‘The Zuckerborg’  with a funny picture of me as a Borg.  It makes me chuckle every time.  Plus, it was only a billion dollars. I figured, why not? I dropped that on a game of mini-golf over the weekend.”

It’s rumored Facebook payed somewhere east southeast of $1 billion.  That’s “b” as in “billion.”

The four founders of the app Morgasm, Little Spoon, Brandl and T. Dazzl were surprisingly calm.

“Last night I had $134.36 in my checking account.  I wake up and there is $250 million.  I still can’t take more than $300 cash out of an ATM, what the fuck?!” said Little Spoon.

Little Spoon

Brandl, found frantically looking for that round double valve flanged piece of pvc pipe for the flaming pumpkin seed monster/lemonade stand (you know the one) in a Lowes in Fernley, NV screamed, “I’ll give you a million dollars if you help me find the damn thing . . . and some oven paint. No really, a million dollars. Yeah, I’m talking to you, Mr. Press Release Writer. Make yourself useful!”

T. Dazzl was found on a private jet in Reno applying 14k Gold glitter on the faces of people in his entourage. “We started BurnerMap to help people find their friends.  Now I’m rich, biatch!   Lets celebrate with a karaoke orgy. No, not the one we are having right now.”

Zuckerberg says Facebook plans to expand BurnerMap to other festivals around the world.  First up will be The Gathering of the Juggalos in Illinois.  “If there is any group that has a harder time finding each other it’s fans of Insane Clown Posse.”