Archive for the ‘Satire’ Category


Facebook Buttons Image 3721  Burner Map

In a move to apparently become the next Myspace, Facebook is acquiring yet another social networking site with a loyal following. It was announced today that the internet giant is buying BurnerMap. The app, described on AngelList as “Google Maps for Sparkle Ponies,” currently helps about half of all Burning Man attendees find where their friends are camping.

BurnerMap nemesis Crankydust, founder of the Association of Burners for Burning Burner Map (ABBBM) was mildly disappointed with the purchase. “Decomidi-fuckin-fication folks!  What’s next? An ad shoot for Krug?  Coffee sales in center camp?  No sex allowed in tents!? Some flaming pumpkin seed monster/lemonade stand “art piece”? This event has gone to hell!”

Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg explained the reasons behind the acquisition.  “On their website they call Facebook ‘The Zuckerborg’  with a funny picture of me as a Borg.  It makes me chuckle every time.  Plus, it was only a billion dollars. I figured, why not? I dropped that on a game of mini-golf over the weekend.”

It’s rumored Facebook payed somewhere east southeast of $1 billion.  That’s “b” as in “billion.”

The four founders of the app Morgasm, Little Spoon, Brandl and T. Dazzl were surprisingly calm.

“Last night I had $134.36 in my checking account.  I wake up and there is $250 million.  I still can’t take more than $300 cash out of an ATM, what the fuck?!” said Little Spoon.

Little Spoon

Brandl, found frantically looking for that round double valve flanged piece of pvc pipe for the flaming pumpkin seed monster/lemonade stand (you know the one) in a Lowes in Fernley, NV screamed, “I’ll give you a million dollars if you help me find the damn thing . . . and some oven paint. No really, a million dollars. Yeah, I’m talking to you, Mr. Press Release Writer. Make yourself useful!”

T. Dazzl was found on a private jet in Reno applying 14k Gold glitter on the faces of people in his entourage. “We started BurnerMap to help people find their friends.  Now I’m rich, biatch!   Lets celebrate with a karaoke orgy. No, not the one we are having right now.”

Zuckerberg says Facebook plans to expand BurnerMap to other festivals around the world.  First up will be The Gathering of the Juggalos in Illinois.  “If there is any group that has a harder time finding each other it’s fans of Insane Clown Posse.”

 
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“I’m really more and more becoming Stalinist. Hey, come here baby…”

Ljubljana, (CN) – Slavoj the Slovenian Stalinist loved by leftists worldwide explained why the Occupy Movement failed so miserably.

“Occupy? Yes, it’s OK – some great talks, some great arts. Concrete people? No, 99% are boring idiots.”

A committee has been formed by the Occupy Movement to formulate a response.

American Redoubt, ID (CN) – The US economy grew by 1.9% in the 1st quarter of 2012, saving it from the double dip recession currently bumming out big chucks of Europe.  Economists have pointed to ‘Preppers’ as the reason the US economy did not double dip the depression chocolate in the recessionary peanut butter.

TEOTWAWKI? Bring It On!

Preppers are Americans who try to bring maximum excitement to their dull, pointless existence by preparing for the shit to go down big time.  They are known primarily as middle class white consumerists who stockpile huge reserves of food and essential survival equipment like water filters, bug out bags and cool Tumblr pages.

I no survive with no LOLZ katz TUMBLR

For most of American history Preppers were simply called ‘Mormons’ or ‘Survivalists’ and lived well outside mainstream acceptance.   But with the global economy in the global shitter and the rise of Mitt Romney, being a Prepper is down right preppy.

The Television now has 16 reality shows dedicated to all things ‘Prepper’ including:

National G’s DoomsDay Prepper
VH1′s nostalgic Sgt. Preppers Lonely Heart Club Band
Travel Channel almost intelligent Anthony Bourdain’s No Preparation
NBC‘s popular sitcom Prep and Recreation
AMC‘s Madmen
Discovery‘s Doomsday Bunkers
Bravo‘s Queer Eye for the Survivalist Guy
E‘s comedy review show The Freeze Dried Soup
HBO‘s adult themed Gloryhole
Showtime‘s adult themed Idaho-ication
BBC America‘s Top Prep
Univision‘s telenovela Mi Amor, Mi Refugio de Tormenta
MTV‘s Pimp my Pantry
Animal Planet‘s Meet the Preppers
Lifetime‘s new movie: All my Mayan left me was a broken heart and an empty larder
and
Sci-Fi Channel‘s Apocalypse 2235 a.d.

According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics Prepper purchases of peanut butter, Big Berky water filters, totally awesome looking .308 long rifles, orange plastic buckets and other gear deemed essential for survival were responsible for 18% of all US economic activity in the first part of 2012.

Filling the economy full of lead with my trusty .308

Noted Prepper and blogger Stockton Stash told Consumptionblog,  “Me and my family bought 6.9 metric tones of rice so far this year after it looked like Ron Paul might not win the Republican nomination.  If that helps keep the American economy afloat until the Mayans decide to reverse the poles, so be it.”

According to Bearish Futures analyst, Andy Gibbs, “It may have been unintentional but Preppers are a bulwark against the US turning into a PIIGS.  If only the Greeks had begun canning Moussaka by the millions about a decade ago they could have avoided all this.”

Cambridge, MA (CN) – Noted linguist and political activist Noam Chomsky announced today he was forming a Super PAC with other left-wing associates.

“It is time we manufactured some of our own consent around here,” said Noam in a press release.  “The time has come for total absorption of Citizens United.  It is time my friends for the Choom Gang Super PAC.”

Can You Direct Me to the FEC?

More on this story as it develops.

 

Pyramid Lake, NV (CN) – It’s been a blast.  I drew another picture.  C U Next Year…

Pyramid Lake at Night

Pyramid Lake, NV (CN) -Symbiosis Gathering 2012 Final Night.

I got James Blake’s set list!

After all the solar eclipses, chemtrails and auto tune HAARP machine dutep antagonism James threw down a great set!

Posted: May 20, 2012 in Satire

Originally posted on CONSUMPTION BLOG:

Pyramid Lake, NV (CN) -

2012 Solar Eclipse Live Updates

18:41 – Update 9 – It cleared up at the end.  That’s beautiful. That is all for now, bad phone service, I hope to have pictures up soon…

18:35 – Update 8 – James Blake is on  stage yelling at the audience.  He says Americans have ruined dubstep.  It’s too upbeat or something…this is really weird.  Skillrex is ‘pants’ apparently…  He is saying his big Auto-Tune HAARP machine is blocking the eclipse with chemtrails to make his set more melancholy…he marches off stage…

18:31 – Update 7 – The Peak totally obscured by chemtrails.  James Blake has taken to the stage, this is getting weird…

18:15 – Update 6 – Eclipse reaching its peak shortly.  Chemtrail looking clouds still blocking a lot of it…

18:01 – Update 5 – Lots of phone interference, weird clouds everywhere. Crowd upbeat but people…

View original 102 more words

Pyramid Lake, NV (CN) -

2012 Solar Eclipse Live Updates

18:41 – Update 9 – It cleared up at the end.  That’s beautiful. That is all for now, bad phone service, I hope to have pictures up soon…

18:35 – Update 8 – James Blake is on  stage yelling at the audience.  He says Americans have ruined dubstep.  It’s too upbeat or something…this is really weird.  Skillrex is ‘pants’ apparently…  He is saying his big Auto-Tune HAARP machine is blocking the eclipse with chemtrails to make his set more melancholy…he marches off stage…

18:31 – Update 7 – The Peak totally obscured by chemtrails.  James Blake has taken to the stage, this is getting weird…

18:15 – Update 6 – Eclipse reaching its peak shortly.  Chemtrail looking clouds still blocking a lot of it…

18:01 – Update 5 – Lots of phone interference, weird clouds everywhere. Crowd upbeat but people whispering about chemtrails blocking the eclipse…

17:51 Update 4 – Weird Looking Clouds Blocking Eclipse.  Blakes’s Auto-Tune HAARP machine on stage making weird noises…

17:35 Update 3 - I’m near the eclipse stage, high energy, protective glasses, good vibes all around.  Looks like James Blake roadies setting up early for his set.  Bringing out Blake’s famous large Auto-tune processing machine with HAARP label on side.  Interesting…

17:19 Update 2 – Here we go!

16:56 Update 1 – After a beautiful day full of merriment, sleep, mirth and a great Russell Liquid set its almost eclipse time.  Get your protective eye gear ready!

Pyramid Lake, NV (CN) -  That was an amazing night last night.  I drew a picture last night of how Pyramid Lake looked at 3am:

OK, I needz some sleep…

Pyramid Lake, NV (CN) – Arriving a day ahead of his career critical Eclipse set at Symbiosis Festival James Blake landed at the Naval Air Station a few miles away in Fallon, NV.  Accorded the preferential treatment all British Pop Stars receive from Her Majesties Royal Air Force, Blake was flown from Leuchars Airforce base in the UK to Nevada on a RAF DC-3.

James Blake, his entourage and the worlds largest Auto-tune machine arrive at NAS Fallon 1700 hours 19th May, 2012.

After landing Star and Stripes asked Blake if he had any special plans for the Lunar Eclipse set.

“Americans ruined dubstep.  They are probably ruining it right now at Pyramid Lake.”  The military and music paper of record asked what he is going to do different. “Me and the moon and the sun are going to take it back,” said James elliptically. “Me, the moon, the sun, and my big auto-tune machine.  Just wait!”

James Blakes Military I.D.

James Blake’s British Military I.D.

In other news: After a massive Friday earlier am wham bang boom set Photek left Symbiosis in stunning fashion:

Photek Blasts Off To Next Gig After Massive Pyramid Eclipse Set