Archive for the ‘Satire’ Category

Dear Beloved Burners,

Grover Norquist is NOT an example of Radical Inclusion.

He is a privileged white guy with a beard and an MBA.

norquistBman

 

He’ll spend too much at the Walmart in Reno for a bunch of stuff he’ll never use.

He’ll get a bit dusty and see a bunch of awesome art.

He’ll get all pill’d up and dance for six hours at White Ocean one night.

He’ll yell and curse during Exodus on Monday.

He’ll fit right in.

 

Costa Rica Beware!

Before the Saturday quarter final World Cup extravaganza against the Dutch take these words to heart: : “Dutch Footballers are Nasty, Brutish, and Tall.”  Tommy Hobbes – famous English football commentator at the World Cup in 1651 in Groningen featuring the Oranje menace versus the Kingdom of Silesia.

????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

“Robben is a Wanker”

 

Team Silesia took the lead on a face paced counter break driving down the right wing and swinging in the Charles I’s head which was used as the ball and headed home by attacking Silesia man mountain Miesko.     During the half time interval King Charles II, still smarting over his dead fathers utility in scoring one against his home side ordered the Silesia team drawn and quartered.  This is where the term “quarter finals” is derived from.  The Kingdom of Silesia, in a state of embarrassment had itself drawn and quartered into four kingdoms, promptly joining the Czech, Poles, Austrians and Germans, never again making it to the knock out stages of a World Cup.

Strudel your couch and buckle your seat belts people.  Not since Kaiser Wilhelm II rode through the Jaffa Gates in Jerusalem has there been a greater day in German history.

kaiser

This morning Jurgen Klinsmann and his merry band of Von Trapps ride on the Brasilian autobahn of destiny against Sami Khedira, Mesut Ozil, Mario Gomez and eight other people for World Cup Glory.

It’s going to be awesome!

Fernley, NV (CB) – In 2014 Consumptionblog will totally be your source for all news Burning Man.  Like CNN in 1991 Consumptionbloggers will be providing 24/7 live news coverage of all events leading up to Burning Man, 2014, ‘Bromance’.

The Burn of '91.  (It was a good Burn!)

The Burn of ’91. (It was a good Burn!)

Where will Daft Punk play this year?

What is the state of the playa?

Is there a crowdfunded seance summoning Paul Addis?

Burning Founder

Burning Founder

You won’t find this kind of news in the more traditional mainstream media like Harper’s Bazaar or Reddit.

What’s happening today, April 1st, 2014 you ask?  Well, not much – it’s about 47F in Gerlach.  Some e-mails were sent about the Port-a-Pottie contract.  Several Burners complained about waiting 19 minutes at the totally huge new Blue Bottle Coffee cafe in Temescal, Oakland.

But its going to get exciting.  We promise.

Little Nixon, NV – The newly minted not-for-profit Burning Man Organization of America in association with Black Rock Solar, Inc. just issued the following statement about fire poi at this years’ Burning Man Festival:

 

Starting at Burning Man 2014, ‘Commiserate’ we hereby declare all fire poi to be powered by solar or other approved alternative energy sources.   This may affect the time the Man is Burned (probably noon-ish this year).  The Department of Fire, Poi Division will be set up near the DMV this year where all poi instruments will be checked and licensed before being approved for use.  There will be 2 classes of Poi license, one for daytime use only and the other, for both day and night time use.  The number of licenses issued will be limited to 178.  All those found in violation of these rules will be forced to attend Ranger Training.

 

More information will be produced soon but the sun is going down and we need to conserve power on our solar free range organic laptops.

 

                                Soon to be rare Night Time Fire Poi at Burning Man?

Poverty

Gerlach, NV – Consumptionblog’s reportation of facts about the State of the Playa and Daft Punk almost certainly playing Burning Man took hold launched like a Burning case of Dengue Fever.  Burning Man was forced to respond in an official statement using the veracity challenged social media site Facebook:

BmanTruth2

Burning Man is not cancelled.  Some yahoos say this every year.  The rest of these concerns, well, lets just say our reportage says otherwise:

satire