Posts Tagged ‘History’

The following truth falls like pearls from the lips and gilded onyx keyboard of Clear, a man who has many roles in Bumblepuss – High Holiest Highest Priest of Goat Slapping being first and foremost – bringer of many vibrant people to Bumble – massage artist – DPW representative and soon he’ll be cracking your ribcage open and massaging your heart as he undertakes an online course in cardiac surgery.

Please retain this for the records:

The Alternate Unabridged Version of Our people, where Burning Man Originated 
and how to roast an apple without getting your feet burned.
The night was one of the full eclipsed moon circa 2539 BC when the idea 
first hit our historical godfather’s ancestor le Gizzle del Pete…who was a 
dope gangsta style version of your classic Roman emperor, and the chief of 
the nomadic goat herding tribe the ~Umbfus’ious of Nec’ar V”lleege.  It was 
an ancient people who’s history could go back farther, but to what end, for 
Gizzle was the dopest chief off that ever made history.
His father’s ancestor, it is said, was the guide to Moses.  It is saidith 
and so it is written that the great P-Gizzle was the first of know man to 
step foot on the desert and piss clear.  From here, people reared him as a 
savior.  How could any man in a desert be hydrated they wondered.  The 
Gizzle said, I am the savior and leader and one day I will bring great peace 
to this desert.  I will lead a revolution of sorts and invention of sorts 
that will be the basis that saves humanity, the basis that allows humanity 
to evolve to the next level, conquer other planets, to go where no goat has 
ever gone before.
P-Gizzle roamed the lands on a vision quest, but before he left, he taught 
his people to cook a reguvination apple:

  • 1 Apple
  • Honey
  • 
Spirulina & 
Maca (or earth blend)
  • 1 Black handled mini knife/toothpick
  • Core Apple
  • 
(leaving the bottom fully intact so as to act a cup for the honey)
  • Heat Apple
  • 
Poke holes into apple from core towards skin (do not puncture skin)
  • Pour in Spirulina and Maca and Honey
  • Let sit overnight 
Eat Naked next day 
Steam Bath Project 
Massage 
Sit in sun/kitchen with other Bumblers 
Feel reguvinated

As time would have it, the Gizzle had been gone for what seemed centuries. 
Later we find out he met up with a homey named Jebus in the wilderness and 
granted him three wishes….long story.  Nonetheless, Gizzle returned home 
and the people were joyous, but upset they had lost their leader for so 
long.  They found he had returned with a man named Jebus.  They blamed this 
man for his having had taken away their leader.  Lies, said Gizzle, but 
nobody listened.  They burned Jebus.  It was…

The First Burning Man.

Later that night….they realized their wrong doing and built a temple in 
his honor. 
Gizzle said, “We shall burn this temple too for our mistake hath written 
history wrong! And I shallf forever be known as Jebus the savior, for I will 
return to the towns as he, and all the lands will know not that which has 
been mistaken here.  And as I am gone you will make this spot your camp 
forever and ever and ever forever.”
They made camp upon the spot and raised an apple  each to their leader.
That very night the first goat was 
slapped as Jebus, the leader, left.  It was his famous last words in which 
we recall today, “From henthforth hitherto ye shall never again have a 
leader.  For ye all will lead when leading and lead not when not leading. 
You will be the last and only tribe upon this planet of which will know the 
ways of the way.  You shall be aware that you will go into history, isolated 
in this desert as the only leaderless group ever and forever ever forever. 
Ye shall know and remember, that to lead is the false way of phophets and to 
slap is the true belief in self, humanity and the way.”  (Word for word as 
recorded by Broseephious the Righter in the year of Broseephious 1298 DB as 
in During Broseephious, which we are not sure what correlation it has to any 
other calender as he did not record anything else and lived isolated with 
the rest of the tribe from the rest of the world thereafter the recorded 
history.
Years later archeologists believe they have found the remains of this first 
tribe with their only weapon, device or food preparation tool in the Black 
Rock Desert where it is believed they lived during those times of old.  It 
is also believed they fashioned thier tiny knives and picks with the bone of 
goat, which is long gone and the handle yet still remain, of rock.  Today 
you find this rock between itself and the soft place we call playa.
It’s believed the camp Bumblepuss of Nectar Village and their holy Godfather 
T-Dizzle fled the desert in 1980 PDB as in Post During Brospephious when 
word came that a new people were to colonize the land, and they had a leader 
named Larry.  The people of Bumble decided it was time to let the world come 
to them and they did.  They opened up to a new way, they acted as if they’d 
never been to the desert and let the newbies believe it was a “discovery!” 
They populated the desert with these new peoples as one of them.  They even 
opened their own camp to particiapte in the goings ons with them.
It’s said when someone comes around Bumblepuss and asks, “Who’s in charge?” 
The best answer is “I am.”  Cause they don’t want anyone to know they, we, 
who we really are.  And Jebus forbid, the Burners of today start coming to 
the Bumblepuss asking, how do we live a utopian society like you have?  How 
did you figure it out in just the few short years since we’ve all been 
coming to the desert?  How come our camp has leaders and assistants and 
people in charge of this and work hours and shifts, and still nothing gets 
done, and still there are fights and dramas?  How is it your people has not 
a single list or leader and all is done and not a drama is in the air?
The Bumblers are said to usually direct the questions to the Goat…
And so it is said, and so it is written.

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Editors Note: ‘A Brief History of Burning Man’  is a short historical novella that will be published on this site in serial form over the next several weeks leading up to the Burn of 2011.

Introduction by The Cubitron

Up and down.  Sideways. Left to Right then cascade like Atari’s logo motherfuckers.   Now real fast Diagonal.  Up again. Then over. Then back to the center then DOUBLE DIAGONAL! One in purple changing to white the other red turning into wait for it, wait for it OMG OMG Orange!  Such a lovely orange.  No breaks for you – I keep going all night.  256 color VGA monitor colors zooming all over as you lay on the ground next to your friends and hopeful lays – pupils dilated like it’s 1999 and DanceSafe just turned your pill black.  You don’t mind laying on your back on the hard cold playa looking up all in my admittedly colorful junk? That’s cool.  All I ask is that those hippies stop beating their drums for just like 10 minutes man- drink some water man – talk about it, drink some more water, eat some of that cous cous in your Camelback – plus your drumming is getting all wiped out by those Electro Techno Disco beats flying out those big speakers attached to the Unimog. Drums beat in mass usually the center of aural attention at most events but not here – relegated as a distance thudding though only 30 feet over to the right where you think you left your bike.

Some people tell me stories as they lay under me.  This one fellow told me fantastical stories of BurningMan past.  Of recent excavations of Stonehenge where they found a dusty black vest with a spoon on the back of it in primitive el-wire – the first Burn he postulated and I believe quite rightly as I was there dazzling druids from way up in the sky with northern lights brought south for the solstice and Labor Day celebrations.  Dirty Druids and their drums.  He rambled on about war criminals, DPW, Peter Seeger fans and black bears until the sun started to come up and he remembered he had to cook breakfast for a lot of people. He stayed a little longer to tell the tale of the chicken korma made in a dust storm that fed hundreds even though it was only made for 60. The night turned to dawn quickly and thanking me for listening he got up – dusted off his back and we exchanged e-mails.  That’s how he got a hold of me to write this introduction which I was happy to do as I have a lot of down time here in Tahoe.

Enjoy the tales he told me and make those recipes, something I am unable to do, most involve bacon so it has to be good.  All were made in ad hoc fly by night desert kitchens often after nights and days of courageous amounts partying so it can’t be that hard on your playa dust free kitchen with your clean dishes.

Enjoy!

Yours Lovingly,
The Cubitron