Empire General Store, NV (CN) – Amid continuing ticket chaos, riots in London and general 2012 End Time related societal breakdown Burning Man Temporal Security Agency (BM TSA) today announced four new enhanced security measures for Burning Man 2011, ‘No Guaranteed Rite of Passage’
The new measures are focused intently on gaining entrance to Burning Man. “There is very little we can do before participants get to the event and once they’re in, forget about it,” stated security apparatchik Major Ranger. “Burners on the playa are as slippery as AstroGlide on Greased Lightening so it is up to the brave well paid volunteers of Gate Perimeter, & Exodus to secure this event.”
The four new security measures are as follows:
1. Volunteers working the gate and perimeter will be armed and poorly trained with taser rifles. Any taser rounds not used by the end of the event, which was said to be “highly unlikely”, will be used to spice up Exodus. “We’ve wanted these for years.”
When Fired Sounds Like Dubstep, Hurts Like Happy Hardcore
2. All fencing will be electrified.
50,000 Watts of Goodwill
3. Those found with fake DNA, don’t possess a valid ticket, or just a bad attitude will be sent to ‘D’ Lot, playa name ‘The Great Pit of Carkoon’ where they will be slowly digested over a thousand years.
More Burners Please
4. All participants found to be holding a valid ticket will be branded or tattooed with their playa name, camp name and coordinates on their arms.
There is nothing "Little" about Little Spoon
At a contentious press conference held at the Empire General Store, Major Ranger and BM TSA Spokesperson and event co-founder ‘Black Ops’ justified the new measures.
“We believe that if we can properly account for, track, and study all participants at the Burn this year we can ensure that this is the best event for dubstep, radical self-expression and self-reliance north of Reno”
“And if you don’t like it, read the back of your ticket buddy.”
Shortly after the announcement Burning Man put out a call for volunteer tattoo artists.