Washington, DC – A spokesperson for President Obama announced today that Dennis Hopper had joined the Whitehouse Press Corp. Although the noted actor and photojournalist had covered President Obama in his Chicago community organizing days the announcement came as a surprise as Hopper had been considered retired from this mortal coil for over a year.
When reached for comment Hooper said Obama approached him personally in the hallway and requested he take the job.
“I didn’t think he even noticed me,” exclaimed Hopper with a manic look and smell of death. “And suddenly he grabbed me, and he threw me in a corner, and he said, “Do you know that ‘if’ is the middle word in life? If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you, if you can trust yourself when all men doubt you”… I mean I’m… no, I can’t… I’m a little man, I’m a little man, he’s… he’s a great man! ”
Appearing on a weekend political discussion show no one watches, George Will asked him what the first question he would put the president. After snapping a couple close ups of a clearly shaken Will he responded, “Hey, man, you don’t question the Community Organizer. You listen to him. The man’s enlarged my mind. He’s a poet warrior in the classic sense.”
Many on the right including media mogul, dispassionate critic of Barack Obama and five time Rollerblade champion Andrew Breitbart attacked the appointment. “I mean sure he’s more informed though certainly less handsome than Jake ‘The Tapeworm’ Tapper but what next, letting Al Jazeera in the White House?
Hopper’s ghostly apparition appeared next to Breitbart while he was speaking to the press about Hopper’s appointment.
“Why? Why would a nice guy like you want to dispassionately criticize a Community Organizing genius? Feeling pretty good, huh? Why?
“Wait, what are you doing here?” stammered Breitbart.
“Do you know that the man really likes you? He likes you. He really likes you. But he’s got something in mind for you. Aren’t you curious about that? I’m curious. I’m very curious. Are you curious? There’s something happening out here, man.”
“Where, suburban Los Angeles?”
“You know something, man? I know something you that you don’t know. That’s right, Jack. The man is clear in his mind, but his soul is mad. Oh, yeah. He’s dying, I think. He hates all this. He hates it! But the man’s a…He reads poetry out loud, all right. And a voice…he likes you because you’re still alive. He’s got plans for you.”
“No, I’m not gonna help you,” Hopper intoned. “You’re gonna help him, man. You’re gonna help him. I mean, what are they gonna say when he’s gone? ‘Cause he dies when it dies, when it dies, he dies! What are they gonna say about him? He was a kind man? He was a wise man? He had plans? He had wisdom? Bullshit, man! And am I gonna be the one that’s gonna set them straight? Look at me! Look at me! Wrong! You!”
At a surreal press conference Whitehouse Spokesperson Jay Carney was asked by David Corn to comment on allegations surrounding Hopper’s Mortality. An Oxygen-tank masked Carney threw a question right back at him “What kind of beer you like Corn?”
“Heineken? Fuck that shit! Pabst Blue Ribbon!”