Archive for the ‘Silly’ Category

 

Costa Rica Beware!

Before the Saturday quarter final World Cup extravaganza against the Dutch take these words to heart: : “Dutch Footballers are Nasty, Brutish, and Tall.”  Tommy Hobbes – famous English football commentator at the World Cup in 1651 in Groningen featuring the Oranje menace versus the Kingdom of Silesia.

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“Robben is a Wanker”

 

Team Silesia took the lead on a face paced counter break driving down the right wing and swinging in the Charles I’s head which was used as the ball and headed home by attacking Silesia man mountain Miesko.     During the half time interval King Charles II, still smarting over his dead fathers utility in scoring one against his home side ordered the Silesia team drawn and quartered.  This is where the term “quarter finals” is derived from.  The Kingdom of Silesia, in a state of embarrassment had itself drawn and quartered into four kingdoms, promptly joining the Czech, Poles, Austrians and Germans, never again making it to the knock out stages of a World Cup.

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Fernley, NV (CB) – In 2014 Consumptionblog will totally be your source for all news Burning Man.  Like CNN in 1991 Consumptionbloggers will be providing 24/7 live news coverage of all events leading up to Burning Man, 2014, ‘Bromance’.

The Burn of '91.  (It was a good Burn!)

The Burn of ’91. (It was a good Burn!)

Where will Daft Punk play this year?

What is the state of the playa?

Is there a crowdfunded seance summoning Paul Addis?

Burning Founder

Burning Founder

You won’t find this kind of news in the more traditional mainstream media like Harper’s Bazaar or Reddit.

What’s happening today, April 1st, 2014 you ask?  Well, not much – it’s about 47F in Gerlach.  Some e-mails were sent about the Port-a-Pottie contract.  Several Burners complained about waiting 19 minutes at the totally huge new Blue Bottle Coffee cafe in Temescal, Oakland.

But its going to get exciting.  We promise.

Little Nixon, NV – The newly minted not-for-profit Burning Man Organization of America in association with Black Rock Solar, Inc. just issued the following statement about fire poi at this years’ Burning Man Festival:

 

Starting at Burning Man 2014, ‘Commiserate’ we hereby declare all fire poi to be powered by solar or other approved alternative energy sources.   This may affect the time the Man is Burned (probably noon-ish this year).  The Department of Fire, Poi Division will be set up near the DMV this year where all poi instruments will be checked and licensed before being approved for use.  There will be 2 classes of Poi license, one for daytime use only and the other, for both day and night time use.  The number of licenses issued will be limited to 178.  All those found in violation of these rules will be forced to attend Ranger Training.

 

More information will be produced soon but the sun is going down and we need to conserve power on our solar free range organic laptops.

 

                                Soon to be rare Night Time Fire Poi at Burning Man?

Dear Burning Man,

When I saw the news flash of a meteorite hitting Russia today I immediately ascribed it’s origins to Burning Man.  As a long time Burner, how could I not?  For more on this unique event I went to the source, BurningMan.com.  What I found was a cover up of all evidence the meteorite stirke was caused by the people who run Burning Man.  Burners.me will soon have the full story I am sure.

The Real Burning Man Project?

Instead what I found was a recent posting on the 2012 Burning Man Census helpfully entitled:  BRC Census: Were You Counted? Did You Count? Can You Count?  And it dawned on me.  My camp, the eternal Bumblepuss, is Burning Man.

Just look at these numbers and tell me I’m wrong:

AGE
Under 20 years: 4% (1% – 7%)
20 – 40 years: 71% (65% – 77%)
Over 40 years: 24% (19% – 29%)
Average age: 34 (33 – 36)

CURRENT GENDER
Female: 38% (32% – 44%)
Male: 60% (56% – 65%)
Both/neither/fluid: 1.5% (< 1% – 3%)

Percent of population who are at Burning Man for the FIRST TIME
39%* (32% – 45%)

TICKET SOURCE
Burning Man: 60% (55% – 64%)
friend: 27% (25% – 28%)
stranger: 6% (2% – 11%)
third party reseller: 3.3% (2.6% – 4.1%)

TICKET PRICE
More than face value: 6% (4% – 7%)
Face value: 74% (72% – 75%)
Less than face value: 8% (5% – 11%)
Gift: 5% (3% – 7%)

MISCELLANEOUS
Percent of eligible voters who VOTED in at least one of the last four federal US elections
83% (80% – 87%)

Political party affiliation among eligible voters
Democratic: 34% (30% – 38%)
None: 33% (26% – 40%)
Republican: 24% (18% – 29%)
Other: 3.5% (2% – 5%)
Green: 1.5% (< 1% – 2.2%)

Percent of the population for whom English is their first language
86% (81% – 90%)

Percent of population who reside in the US
76% (59% – 93%)

Except the fact that Bumblers are all hedonistic consequentialists practicing radical anarcho-syndicalism in all aspects in our lives and thus uniformly vote Republican, sans two wild and wooly Kantian Canadians, you basically nailed the nail on the head with the Burning Hammer of Truth.

Because of this radical self expression of group similarity between Bumblepuss and Burning Man I suggest that in 2013 you simply take a census at Bumblepuss.  This would save the time and money of the BMorg and perhaps lower the ticket prices by .25¢.  Volunteers could be used for other purposes such as staying in Reno and preparing the Grand Sierra Resort for the after party.   Finally, those concerned with the relentless measurement-ization of Burning Man would have their worse Orwellian fears simultaneously assuaged and inflamed.

We at Bumblepuss after a long days work helping naked people into the Steambath Project puff our chests out, put our hands up and say,

“Count Us, Burning Man; for We, Bumblepuss, are Burning Man!”

6:30 and Something, maybe D, sorta near Nectar Village, NV (CN)  – I found this headlamp at the Burn.  Is it yours? Sorry I took so long.

Yours? Really?

Yours? Really?

Decompression was really tough and if I’m honest, I kinda like using it.

I think it’s a BlackDiamond.  It was Tuesday after the Burn, it was in a bag on an abandoned bike on 6:30 and something, maybe D, sorta near Nectar Village.  It was extremely dusty.  From the location I found this headlamp I could see a Budget rental truck, a couple tents and the flags from the top of Center Camp.

headlamp3a

Do you use Duracell? Then this might be yours.

Perhaps the biggest identifying element on it is the Duracell batteries.  They still power the headlamp.

From the Playa to the Galaxy

From the Playa to the Galaxy

If you believe this to be your headlamp, please submit a story how you lost it in the comments section below and then mail a blood, hair and stool sample plus $125 cash for testing to the Hotel Galaxy in Changuinola, Panama, Bocas Del Toro, Avenida 17 de Abril c/o ‘Gringo’s Lost Headlamp’ where it currently provides light during occasional power outages.   The headlamps rightful owner, once identified, will arrange to meet me at Burning Man 2013, Cargo Cult in Nevada, somewhere around 6:30 and something, sorta near Nectar Village.

Thank you.

Black Rock City –

I met this very same fire at a Burn Barrel on a chilly night near Opulent Temple in 2006 – I’m glad to see he is still burning strong…

American Redoubt, ID (CN) – The US economy grew by 1.9% in the 1st quarter of 2012, saving it from the double dip recession currently bumming out big chucks of Europe.  Economists have pointed to ‘Preppers’ as the reason the US economy did not double dip the depression chocolate in the recessionary peanut butter.

TEOTWAWKI? Bring It On!

Preppers are Americans who try to bring maximum excitement to their dull, pointless existence by preparing for the shit to go down big time.  They are known primarily as middle class white consumerists who stockpile huge reserves of food and essential survival equipment like water filters, bug out bags and cool Tumblr pages.

I no survive with no LOLZ katz TUMBLR

For most of American history Preppers were simply called ‘Mormons’ or ‘Survivalists’ and lived well outside mainstream acceptance.   But with the global economy in the global shitter and the rise of Mitt Romney, being a Prepper is down right preppy.

The Television now has 16 reality shows dedicated to all things ‘Prepper’ including:

National G’s DoomsDay Prepper
VH1’s nostalgic Sgt. Preppers Lonely Heart Club Band
Travel Channel almost intelligent Anthony Bourdain’s No Preparation
NBC‘s popular sitcom Prep and Recreation
AMC‘s Madmen
Discovery‘s Doomsday Bunkers
Bravo‘s Queer Eye for the Survivalist Guy
E‘s comedy review show The Freeze Dried Soup
HBO‘s adult themed Gloryhole
Showtime‘s adult themed Idaho-ication
BBC America‘s Top Prep
Univision‘s telenovela Mi Amor, Mi Refugio de Tormenta
MTV‘s Pimp my Pantry
Animal Planet‘s Meet the Preppers
Lifetime‘s new movie: All my Mayan left me was a broken heart and an empty larder
and
Sci-Fi Channel‘s Apocalypse 2235 a.d.

According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics Prepper purchases of peanut butter, Big Berky water filters, totally awesome looking .308 long rifles, orange plastic buckets and other gear deemed essential for survival were responsible for 18% of all US economic activity in the first part of 2012.

Filling the economy full of lead with my trusty .308

Noted Prepper and blogger Stockton Stash told Consumptionblog,  “Me and my family bought 6.9 metric tones of rice so far this year after it looked like Ron Paul might not win the Republican nomination.  If that helps keep the American economy afloat until the Mayans decide to reverse the poles, so be it.”

According to Bearish Futures analyst, Andy Gibbs, “It may have been unintentional but Preppers are a bulwark against the US turning into a PIIGS.  If only the Greeks had begun canning Moussaka by the millions about a decade ago they could have avoided all this.”