Archive for the ‘Silly’ Category

Pyramid Lake, NV (CN) – It’s been a blast.  I drew another picture.  C U Next Year…

Pyramid Lake at Night

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Gerlach, NV (CN) – The Event North of Reno has been designated a Zombie Safe Zone in a map commissioned by the US Congress.  An interactive map released Monday displaying possible danger zones and resources for the coming Zombie Apocalypse lists the site of the Burning Man arts festival as a safe zone.

We believe the desert could accommodate 100,000,” said Burning Man spokesperson Maid Marian.  “Doesn’t matter whether its for Flaming Lotus Girls art and frozen pickle dildos or fleeing for your life from the walking dead.  Folks will arrive at the gate looking about the same; full of energy and eager to get in.”

Burner vs. Zombie

An anonymous Prepper and Survivalist expert associated with SurvivalBlog.com  thought the designation as a Zombie Safe Zone was dubious.  “Burners do a lot of TEOTWAWKI prep work great; food and dubstep for instance.  But they will have to reconsider not letting firearms in.”

Burning Man Gate, Perimeter, and Exodus Coordinator ‘Randi Fence’ was asked if Burning Man could repel a zombie horde.

“They don’t have a ticket they don’t get in.  Zombie or no zombie, its that simple.”

The Map of the Dead was commissioned by the America is Ready for the Zombie Apocalypse Act (ARZAA) passed by Congress in 2009.  Start up company Doejo known more for their martial arts acumen than their cartography skills were awarded the no bid contract to create the map.  “I’m not sure if Burning Man is safe,” said Doejo founder Dusty Merc. “But Burning Man handed us a couple hundred tickets before the lottery so we figured the least we could do is list them as ‘safe’.”

Zombies have been seen at Burning Man before but in small numbers near Opulent Temple around dawn.  They were easily dispatched.

Total Takeover

Him: “I’d like to Occupy the Crease.”

Her: “Perhaps. Care to go to my place for coffee afterwards?”

Him: “Sure, I can show you my Baggy Green.”

Her: “That would be awesome, I’ve never seen a Baggy Green up close.”

Him (to himself): This is like being on 427 going into the Second Innings at The Gabba.  I will Occupy the Crease!

 

 

In an exclusive interview Flo the waitress who served your lord and savior and 12 other guys at a little cafe called “The Last Supper” talked to Consumptionblog.com

Flo, a distant relative of Methuselah still plies her trade but wouldn’t divulge her age.

The cafe is still open but has since relocated to Flatbush in Brooklyn on Ave J. and Coney Island Ave. and has been renamed ‘Khaora’s’. We caught Flo between the lunch and dinner crowd juggling a feisty four top.

CB: Thanks for talking to us Flo – How did the 13 of them strike you; – what do you remember from the dinner, it was a long time ago?

Flo: It was a large party for a small cafe in east Jerusalem – me and the busboy Jesus had to push a bunch of tables together to make it work – Thomas and xxx were at a two top in the middle that rocked a little bit and spilled his Crystal Lite – but a book of matches solved that one.

CB: What did Jesus Order?  Anything surprising in what the other Apostles ordered?

Flo: Jesus and everyone had the bread of course – it comes free – like chips & salsa at a Mexican joint.

They ordered a carafe of wine – a cheap Rose.  Umm let me think – Thomas couldn’t make his mind up between hash and eggs or an egg salad sandwich, I think he finally settled on the chicken strips.  Judas ordered the most expensive thing on our menu, steak and shrimp, and later tried the old ‘Dine and Dash’. The short order cook Mel caught him down the street and made him cough up the shekels.  All the other fellows were pretty straight forward – frank and beans with a scoop of vanilla, scoop of chocolate for desert.

CB: Peter. He turned out to be pretty important later on – anything you remember about him?

Flo: Yeah. He definitely acted like the head honcho at least of the mortals, but he was very forgetful. He showed up late and denied the supper was supposed to take place at 4.  He ordered an onion potato Knish for an appetizer, I remember it plain as day, but he denied he ordered it when I brought it over to him. When it was time to pay the bill Peter said he forgot his wallet and denied Mark had covered for him last time at Morton’s on the Lakehouse.  It caused a big commotion. Thaddeus and Simon were over in the corner. They were the jokers of the lot and Simon started crowing like a rooster and all of a sudden Peter started crying and admitted to everything; even the potato knish. He left a big tip, that’s why I remember so well. Back in the day most folks didn’t tip 12%.

CB: Thanks for the interview Flo – we are really glad we found you and had a chance to talk with you. You look like you been on your feet all day, can I buy you a drink?

Flo: Honey – you can buy me a baked potato – ohh these putz’s want to change their order again…

Dear Uncle Owens Little,

I write to ask your sage and sought after advice as I deal most frustrated with my determined efforts to achieve Minimalist bliss. In the course of the day you are determined to undertake the Minimalist lifestyle and yet once again you find yourself hiding on the ‘employees only’ side of the family bar listening to pirates pitied howls slowly rise to blows. How can one ever undertake Minimalism in anyway shape or form under such duress?

Meh,
Put Upon By Pirates

Uncle Owens Little responds:

Be redoubtable. Be very redoubtable my dearest Put Up By Pirates. And take a que from those pirates; moments away from drawing cutlasses as they may be. Pirates are prime examples of folks roaming this earth in Minimalist nirvana.

Pirates were the true founding fathers of the Modern Minimalist Movement (MMM) They were the first to travel and live in a new bit of the world every 120 days or less albeit under duress of the forces of law and justice.

After enough rum most pirates dreamed of living on a floating castle with a girl that’s’ easy on the eyes and minimal on the shopping sprees. While alive pirates are in charge of their methods of revenue generation business models and are always selective in targeting just the right captive audience and if not – then trying again with another customer. Pirates lead a lifestyle the envy of many and are often considered trendy brigands in the style of Johnny Depp or Galliano.

Pirates rarely travel with more than a sea chest of personal items and long braided hair. They drink rum exclusively, strongly, with only a minimal bit of water. Food? Some salted horsemeat and the occasional savory pudding.

If a Pirate looses a couple ‘talons’ as they say, or in modern parlance: ‘fingers’, they do so with minimal complaint and a bit of above mentioned rum. If they loose a leg – a wooden stump will do — thank you very much – no fancy prosthetic leg made from cutting edge plastic polymers and molded to fit.

Pirate booty gained through the cutlass is spent wisely on a few essential items. A recent JD Powers and Associates Survey of Pirate Income Distribution found the top three spending priorities as follows:

Even Pirates songs are minimalist.

’15 Men and a Dead Man’s Chest,
Yo ho Ho and a bottle of rum’

or

‘Our captain was very good to us,
He dipped his prick in phosphorus;
And steered us through the Bosphorus.’

So you know what Put Upon By Pirates, Mr. ‘I just can’t figure out how to go about Minimalism with such busy lifestyle full of pirate’s’?  You know what I want you to do? Get up off your hands and knees, grab that .45mm your Daddy keeps under the bar – yes that same .45mm pistol he used to drive me from my home ohh those many years ago and minimize the amount of rum sodden pirates fighting; cutlasses now well drawn.  Yes minimize them by one!  Which one?  Preferably the one they call ‘Blackdog’ as I owe that salty old sea dog 20 guineas from that infamous night at the Pink Taco in Vegas.  If he and his crew ever find me – well, lets just say my ‘Dearest Put Upon by Pirates ’ I will be placed in the stocks like a common trollop.  You know how many monthly advice columns get written by a trollop in the stocks? None.  So go – go!

Until next month – Uncle Owens Little

Last Minimalism: Minimalist Minimalism

A the unofficial hagiographer of NectarVillage and 3 time member of HBGB Kitchen crew I thought it was appropriate to write a short history of the HBGB Kitchen and the healing that goes on inside.

HBGB Kitchen 1934

HBGB’s have always been early adopters when it comes to technology at the Burn.  We were the first camp at BurningMan to employ an electric Ice Box as they were known at the Burn of 1934.  The Ice Box allowed Scooter to serve the first helping of Boulder Ice Cream which was flown in by especially by Charles Lindbergh who was given the playa name ‘Lucky Lindy’ that year for his exploits at Jiffy Lube.

World War Two was a difficult time for everyone in a merciless war that set Burner against Burner, Brother against Brother.  At the Burn of 1943 after serving a less than appetizing Vegan-style Shit on a Shingle the Kitchen Crew comprised of Swiss, Russian, Montenegrin and Spanish nationalists came to blows.

Burn of 1943 - Only one person survied this fight to Burn again

The 50s and early 60s saw HBGB Kitchen crew settle into a routine of domestic bliss.  However it wouldn’t be until the Burn of 1984 that the Kitchen was moved inside a tent after longtime Kitchen Supremo ‘Mac Biotic’ got heat stroke.

HBGB Kitchen Burn of 1961 Out in the Sun

The late 60s and early 70s saw a rise in the use of psychedelics at the Burn and the HBGB Kitchen.  Syd Barret was kitchen lead at the notorious Burn of 1971 which saw a 90% of all meals served in the kitchen spiked with LSD.

Burn of 1971 - Felonoius shortly after eating hummus prepared by Syd Barrett

The 90s saw rapid technological innovation and environmental awareness pervade the HeeBee Kitchen.  Meal prep started to happen off the playa a couple days before the Burn in Reno.  This lead to the short lived cable access show ‘Sid and Nancy Cook for the Playa.’

Sid & Nancy filming how to make Buckwheat Gazpacho a couple days before the Burn of 1994.

In the GoGo 00s mandatory uniforms during cooking were introduced in order that the cooks be a) More Easily Set on Fire b) Come into Compliance with Environmental Health and Safety Codes around hair getting into the food.

Burn of 2006: Introduction of Mandatory Uniforms

This brief history will end in 2009 when controversy struck the HBGB Kitchen after it was outsourced to Trader Joes in order to save money and in the words of one HBGB that wishes to remain anonymous – ‘TJs Salt and Pepper Potato Chips are the dammed best thing ever invented’.

2009 Burn: HBGB's Kitchen under Trader Joes Management

However many HeeBee and Burner Purists rallied against the fake, industrial, clean feel of the kitchen.  It’s rumored in 2011 HBGBs will return to Burner Cooks making wonderful meals of loving grace and bounty as has happened for so many years.