Minimalist Monthly: Minimalism and Pirates

Posted: July 28, 2011 in Minimalism, Silly
Tags: , , , , , ,

Dear Uncle Owens Little,

I write to ask your sage and sought after advice as I deal most frustrated with my determined efforts to achieve Minimalist bliss. In the course of the day you are determined to undertake the Minimalist lifestyle and yet once again you find yourself hiding on the ‘employees only’ side of the family bar listening to pirates pitied howls slowly rise to blows. How can one ever undertake Minimalism in anyway shape or form under such duress?

Put Upon By Pirates

Uncle Owens Little responds:

Be redoubtable. Be very redoubtable my dearest Put Up By Pirates. And take a que from those pirates; moments away from drawing cutlasses as they may be. Pirates are prime examples of folks roaming this earth in Minimalist nirvana.

Pirates were the true founding fathers of the Modern Minimalist Movement (MMM) They were the first to travel and live in a new bit of the world every 120 days or less albeit under duress of the forces of law and justice.

After enough rum most pirates dreamed of living on a floating castle with a girl that’s’ easy on the eyes and minimal on the shopping sprees. While alive pirates are in charge of their methods of revenue generation business models and are always selective in targeting just the right captive audience and if not – then trying again with another customer. Pirates lead a lifestyle the envy of many and are often considered trendy brigands in the style of Johnny Depp or Galliano.

Pirates rarely travel with more than a sea chest of personal items and long braided hair. They drink rum exclusively, strongly, with only a minimal bit of water. Food? Some salted horsemeat and the occasional savory pudding.

If a Pirate looses a couple ‘talons’ as they say, or in modern parlance: ‘fingers’, they do so with minimal complaint and a bit of above mentioned rum. If they loose a leg – a wooden stump will do — thank you very much – no fancy prosthetic leg made from cutting edge plastic polymers and molded to fit.

Pirate booty gained through the cutlass is spent wisely on a few essential items. A recent JD Powers and Associates Survey of Pirate Income Distribution found the top three spending priorities as follows:

Even Pirates songs are minimalist.

’15 Men and a Dead Man’s Chest,
Yo ho Ho and a bottle of rum’


‘Our captain was very good to us,
He dipped his prick in phosphorus;
And steered us through the Bosphorus.’

So you know what Put Upon By Pirates, Mr. ‘I just can’t figure out how to go about Minimalism with such busy lifestyle full of pirate’s’?  You know what I want you to do? Get up off your hands and knees, grab that .45mm your Daddy keeps under the bar – yes that same .45mm pistol he used to drive me from my home ohh those many years ago and minimize the amount of rum sodden pirates fighting; cutlasses now well drawn.  Yes minimize them by one!  Which one?  Preferably the one they call ‘Blackdog’ as I owe that salty old sea dog 20 guineas from that infamous night at the Pink Taco in Vegas.  If he and his crew ever find me – well, lets just say my ‘Dearest Put Upon by Pirates ’ I will be placed in the stocks like a common trollop.  You know how many monthly advice columns get written by a trollop in the stocks? None.  So go – go!

Until next month – Uncle Owens Little

Last Minimalism: Minimalist Minimalism

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