Archive for the ‘BurningMan’ Category

Official statement from Burning Man Corp. about the Covid-19 ‘Corona’ virus.

Tenderloin, SF March 9th 2020 (Global Playawire) – In recent days Burning Man HQ has been bombarded by questions, concerns and wild, unhinged demands concerning this years Burn and Covid19, playa name ‘Dusty Corona‘.  Frankly we’ve been appalled by most of your inquiries but nonetheless feel compelled to respond lest even worse rumors and fear mongering narratives get granted default legitimacy by our silence.

So listen and listen good.

Say ‘Yes’ to Corona

People actively hosting the Corona virus will be allowed into Burning Man this year so long as they are ticket holders and are not trying to smuggle weapons, fireworks, animals or face masks.  The 12 Principals are quiet clear about this:  RADICAL INCLUSION doesn’t just mean inviting your friends or allowing a Bloomberg voter to camp with you – it means actively welcoming carriers of a catastrophic global public health pandemic into the Steambath Project, on your art car, and yes, in your bacon.

If you can’t handle it there is always Coachella.

Safety will remain a distant 3rd.  After a behind closed door vote by the 32nd Council of Burning Man Elders (CBE), the 11th Principal – ‘Safety Third’ will remain 3rd and not be moved up to ‘Safety 2nd’ displacing Gorilla tape and zip ties.  In practice this means people with Corona virus will be admitted with a ticket (see above) and any face mask that looks like it might be effective will be confiscated at the gate.

Burning Man is an Experiment:  And like any good experiment it will be studied by people who are better than you.  Scientists will be seen on the playa in large numbers carrying out varied and sundry medical and scientific studies to better understand what happens when a deadly global virus experiencing hockey stick growth is embraced by an open, loving community like Burners.  A few notable examples will be MAPS conducting nightly tests on 1000 subjects at White Ocean of whether 2C-B is a potential vaccine for the Corona virus.  Foam Against the Machine will also be testing Dr. Bronners Magic Soap as a possible super fun and foamy topical vaccine.
You have already given your consent to on-demand blood, saliva and other specimen testing.  If you don’t believe us, read the back of your ticket and don’t be surprised when you are required to give a blood sample to some guy jumping out of a golf cart in a hazmat suit near the Temple at 2am yelling. “YOU’VE BEEN CHOSEN!  YOU’VE BEEN CHOSEN!
Corona virus and the 12 Principals; we believe
We believe that the Radical Inclusion of Corona virus carriers on the playa is a Gift untainted by Commodification.  We believe the Corona virus is fully Self Reliant and excited to fully Express itself at Burning Man this year.  We believe if there are any negative effects of Corona virus on the playa that our Communal Effort and sense of Civic Responsibility will allow us to leave for the Grand Sierra Resort with No Trace of Corona virus interrupting the Immediacy of jumping in the pool head first, Safety Third.
See you dusty Burners.  Please, for the love of Larry Harvey, no more questions.

The threat of a mass outbreak of Dengue Fever on the playa was too severe to ignore.

Gerlach, NV (AP) – This morning the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) ordered the organizers of the annual Burning Man festival to spray the playa with malathion gas insecticide or face canceling the event.  The sun screen lovin’ dengue fever carrying critters that have invaded the playa without tickets were deemed too much of a threat to public health, the economic health of Silicon Valley and the comfort of Burners to let pass naturally.

Upon receiving the orders the event organizers have reluctantly rented two Cessna 188 “AGWagon” crop dusters and on Tuesday night will spray the playa with 760 liters each of malathion.

“Art” duster

“It was that, or cancel the event,” said an unnamed cubicle worker at the Burning Man HQ in Macao. “The threat of a mass outbreak of Dengue Fever on the playa was too severe to ignore.  Can you imagine all those angel investors and start up founders laid up for weeks with Dengue?  It would wreck havoc in Silicon Valley and thus the future of the planet Earth.”

Burning Man hinted at the crop spraying option last week on it’s blog when it said,
“We don’t know how long it will last. Cobra Commander said at the morning meeting that high temperatures will be with us again today, and the hope is that the heat and the dryness will knock down the bug population. “Because otherwise we’re gonna have to nuke the city” to get rid of them.”

Additional spraying during the event is a real possibility if the pestilential pestilence isn’t eliminated the first time.  No warning will be given so as not to achieve widespread panic.

Officials with the Nevada Bureau of Mines and Geology, the agency which governs the use of arial insecticide use in the Silver State said malathion was safe to spray on humans.  “We use it in the mines all the time to combat gold bugs and we’ve received no reports of ill effects on the miners and stuff.”

Burners who expressed concern about the health effects of being sprayed without warning with insecticide are being told to read the back of their ticket.

More News to Follow on this breaking story as we at Consumptionblog receive it.

Fine Print: Satire does not constitute medical or other advice.

From the AP:

JERUSALEM (AP) — The Israeli Antiquities Authority says revelers at a Burning Man festival famous for its pyrotechnic spectacles have accidentally torched some remnants of prehistoric man.

Archaeologist Yoram Haimi says organizers of Midburn, an Israeli affiliate of the Nevada carnival, burned a wooden temple Saturday on a hilltop scattered with flint tools from the Paleolithic, Neolithic and Chalcolithic periods.

midburn

What will this inspire at the Nevada carnival this year?

What historical treasures would you like to Burn?

Gerlach, NV – (CN)

In line with one of the 10 Principles, Gifting, an authorized product from Burning Man has been given away for free this week.

The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Burn

FREE!

FREE!

Written under the non de guerre ‘Sean Kemp’, the product  was a collaboration between the now obliterated “Burning Man Arts Foundation” and the “Vogon Foundation of Soviet Canuckistan”.

“I started creating this product back in 2004,” sighed “Sean”,  I finished the first product version in 2004 actually.  Since then I’ve been going back and forth with the Burning Man Sexy Censorship Board (BMSCB) and the Vogon Committee for Publishing until this year.  I’m never creating another product again.”

After initially selling for the Burning Man price of $9.99 its now being given away here, on Consumptionblog for free:

 

 “Don’t Panic”

 

The End

Dear Beloved Burners,

Grover Norquist is NOT an example of Radical Inclusion.

He is a privileged white guy with a beard and an MBA.

norquistBman

 

He’ll spend too much at the Walmart in Reno for a bunch of stuff he’ll never use.

He’ll get a bit dusty and see a bunch of awesome art.

He’ll get all pill’d up and dance for six hours at White Ocean one night.

He’ll yell and curse during Exodus on Monday.

He’ll fit right in.

Hat Tip to Burners.me:

Opulent Temple, nee White Ocean announced a massive trance and progressive line up for Burning Man 2014 – Cargo Trance.

After year of trance and progressive being pushed to the sidelines in favor of undance-alicious Dubstep and other nonsense, its back!

Check out this line up:

white-ocean-burning-man-2014-lineup

 

Juno Reactor blows.

However…

Hernan Catteneo/Nick Warren late night to dawn tag team set?  Yes Sir!

And that Wednesday night set looks pretty fantastic.

Thanks White Ocean!

Check out Cattaneo’s epic set from last year at the Burn:

 

Fernley, NV (CB) – In 2014 Consumptionblog will totally be your source for all news Burning Man.  Like CNN in 1991 Consumptionbloggers will be providing 24/7 live news coverage of all events leading up to Burning Man, 2014, ‘Bromance’.

The Burn of '91.  (It was a good Burn!)

The Burn of ’91. (It was a good Burn!)

Where will Daft Punk play this year?

What is the state of the playa?

Is there a crowdfunded seance summoning Paul Addis?

Burning Founder

Burning Founder

You won’t find this kind of news in the more traditional mainstream media like Harper’s Bazaar or Reddit.

What’s happening today, April 1st, 2014 you ask?  Well, not much – it’s about 47F in Gerlach.  Some e-mails were sent about the Port-a-Pottie contract.  Several Burners complained about waiting 19 minutes at the totally huge new Blue Bottle Coffee cafe in Temescal, Oakland.

But its going to get exciting.  We promise.