Posts Tagged ‘Burning Man’

The threat of a mass outbreak of Dengue Fever on the playa was too severe to ignore.

Gerlach, NV (AP) – This morning the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) ordered the organizers of the annual Burning Man festival to spray the playa with malathion gas insecticide or face canceling the event.  The sun screen lovin’ dengue fever carrying critters that have invaded the playa without tickets were deemed too much of a threat to public health, the economic health of Silicon Valley and the comfort of Burners to let pass naturally.

Upon receiving the orders the event organizers have reluctantly rented two Cessna 188 “AGWagon” crop dusters and on Tuesday night will spray the playa with 760 liters each of malathion.

“Art” duster

“It was that, or cancel the event,” said an unnamed cubicle worker at the Burning Man HQ in Macao. “The threat of a mass outbreak of Dengue Fever on the playa was too severe to ignore.  Can you imagine all those angel investors and start up founders laid up for weeks with Dengue?  It would wreck havoc in Silicon Valley and thus the future of the planet Earth.”

Burning Man hinted at the crop spraying option last week on it’s blog when it said,
“We don’t know how long it will last. Cobra Commander said at the morning meeting that high temperatures will be with us again today, and the hope is that the heat and the dryness will knock down the bug population. “Because otherwise we’re gonna have to nuke the city” to get rid of them.”

Additional spraying during the event is a real possibility if the pestilential pestilence isn’t eliminated the first time.  No warning will be given so as not to achieve widespread panic.

Officials with the Nevada Bureau of Mines and Geology, the agency which governs the use of arial insecticide use in the Silver State said malathion was safe to spray on humans.  “We use it in the mines all the time to combat gold bugs and we’ve received no reports of ill effects on the miners and stuff.”

Burners who expressed concern about the health effects of being sprayed without warning with insecticide are being told to read the back of their ticket.

More News to Follow on this breaking story as we at Consumptionblog receive it.

Fine Print: Satire does not constitute medical or other advice.

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mpp header

Hello Burners,

See below for an important message from the
Marijuana Policy Project about the evolving laws around cannabis in
Nevada and how you can prepare and participate.

The Man Burns real soon.

But cops are already hard at work aiming to burn Burners. They’re
on the hunt to bust participants caught with marijuana, saddling them
with a hefty $600 fine and a misdemeanor conviction.  A judge and
prosecutor are even relocated to the playa for the week to promptly
collect fines and process paperwork on site.

But we are improving the Nevada marijuana laws!  If you are a medical
marijuana patient, bring your patient ID card from your home state.
It should protect you from the Nevada state and local cops, due to a
new reciprocity law.  And this year, patients from any state can now
buy marijuana in Nevada dispensaries.  But since Black Rock City is
patrolled by federal rangers, who don’t follow state law, not even
patients are fully protected at the event.

We deserve better. It’s up to all of us to create a more civil
society where marijuana users aren’t targeted, harassed, and
treated like criminals.

At the Marijuana Policy Project, we’re committed to ending state and
federal marijuana prohibition. This change is possible, but
participation is key. We invite you to join us
<https://www.mpp.org/subscribe/>. Please help us promote freedom and
liberty by giving a financial gift toward our efforts.

Together, we can end prohibition.

Thank you,

Rob Kampia
Executive Director
Marijuana Policy Project
Washington, D.C.

P.S. We’re also hard at work managing several ballot initiative
campaigns to tax and regulate marijuana in November 2016 in states like
Arizona, California, and Nevada. With each of these victories,
nationwide legal marijuana will be that much closer. (Please note that
donations to MPP will be used to support MPP generally; donations to MPP
cannot be earmarked for a ballot initiative. If you would like to
support a ballot initiative, please donate to that state’s
ballot campaign committee.)

Threats from Above 2015

Gerlach, NV (AP) – In past years the biggest threat to Burners has been the playa surface; rendering bikes, propane tanks and dubstep too dangerous to use.  The playa is fine people.  Bring your bikes.

This year the threat comes from above.  The weather system known as ‘El Nino’ in addition to early signs of the coming apocalypse has ensured that the playa is full of life before you even arrive. 

Green pastures leading to Burning Man = insects.

Green pastures leading to Burning Man = insects.

Flying, feral insect life.  There are insects and bugs everywhere on the playa.  They are known as pentatomids and hemipterans and just plain mosquitos.  They have wings.  There is nothing to eat in the dry alkaline desert – they are hungry for blood. 

They await you: Burners.
Courtesy Reno Burners. They should know. They live this everyday.

Courtesy Reno Burners. They should know. They live this everyday.

Don’t believe Consumptionblog?  Here it is straight from Burning Man

And there’s another effect of the unseasonable wetness: Bugs. There are lots of bugs around.

The Good:  These little pestilential buggers are not naturally attracted to humans.  They prefer the pure blood of cattle and jackrabbits that roam the corridors of the 447 highway to Gerlach. 

The Bad: They find the active ingredient in sunscreen irresistible.  Avobenzone and Benzophenone, Titanium dioxide and Zinc oxide are like Chalupas from Taco Bell after you freebase shatter on your shitty cubicle job lunch break.       

Advice:  Don’t waste your money on sunscreen.  It will only do you harm.  Want to protect yourself from the sun and the millions of feral blood sucking insects.  Scrape your sequined daisy dukes in favor burkas and artic onsies.

The Horrible:  These insects are from Central America.  Just ask Donald Trump what that means.  Yeah.  They carry Dengue Fever.  Bone Break Fever isn’t an EDM dance floor hit. It’s not a mediocre hipster band from Los Angeles. 

Dengue Fever.  it’s a disease you’ll be suffering from by about Wednesday.

Advice:  Sell your ticket cheaply and spend the week in Box Elder, MO.  Or Bowling Green, KY or anywhere really.  Just as long as its not called ‘Black Rock Desert’.

So to recap – Pre-Apocalypse Pro El Nino Pestilential Plague from Central America has decided to crash Burning Man.  They are attracted to sunscreen and exposed skin.  Leave your sunscreen at home and pack your burka instead.

The Hot New Playa Fashion

The Hot New Playa Fashion

Fine Print: Satire does not constitute medical or other advice.

From the AP:

JERUSALEM (AP) — The Israeli Antiquities Authority says revelers at a Burning Man festival famous for its pyrotechnic spectacles have accidentally torched some remnants of prehistoric man.

Archaeologist Yoram Haimi says organizers of Midburn, an Israeli affiliate of the Nevada carnival, burned a wooden temple Saturday on a hilltop scattered with flint tools from the Paleolithic, Neolithic and Chalcolithic periods.

midburn

What will this inspire at the Nevada carnival this year?

What historical treasures would you like to Burn?

Little Nixon, NV – The newly minted not-for-profit Burning Man Organization of America in association with Black Rock Solar, Inc. just issued the following statement about fire poi at this years’ Burning Man Festival:

 

Starting at Burning Man 2014, ‘Commiserate’ we hereby declare all fire poi to be powered by solar or other approved alternative energy sources.   This may affect the time the Man is Burned (probably noon-ish this year).  The Department of Fire, Poi Division will be set up near the DMV this year where all poi instruments will be checked and licensed before being approved for use.  There will be 2 classes of Poi license, one for daytime use only and the other, for both day and night time use.  The number of licenses issued will be limited to 178.  All those found in violation of these rules will be forced to attend Ranger Training.

 

More information will be produced soon but the sun is going down and we need to conserve power on our solar free range organic laptops.

 

                                Soon to be rare Night Time Fire Poi at Burning Man?

Gerlach, NV – Consumptionblog’s reportation of facts about the State of the Playa and Daft Punk almost certainly playing Burning Man took hold launched like a Burning case of Dengue Fever.  Burning Man was forced to respond in an official statement using the veracity challenged social media site Facebook:

BmanTruth2

Burning Man is not cancelled.  Some yahoos say this every year.  The rest of these concerns, well, lets just say our reportage says otherwise:

satire

State of the Playa 2013

Every year the state of the playa surface that provides so much support against the evil forces of gravity present new and interesting challenges to Burners.  2013 is no different.

After persistent thunderstorms the playa finds itself in a condition like 90s pop band flavor of the month Wet Wet Wet.  This is a vast improvement over the playa conditions in 2003 that were deemed by DPW to be ‘Tony! Toni! Toné!‘.  Getting anything heavy into the playa for the Burn will be a challenge without Four Wheel Drive.  Leave your Prius at home.  Mud is reported to be 2 feet deep in areas and was reported to have almost swallowed the SpaceCowboys Unimoog during an ill advised 4th of Juplaya rave.

car-in-wet-playa

The Playa Before it Started Raining

Burning Man is trying it’s admirable best to deal with this situation.  DPW is in the midst of laying down a tremendous amount of cardboard to make the mud more passable.  This may help for those lucky enough to be on early arrival passes, but by the time you regular, non-special Burners are let in Sunday night…well…y’all are fucked.  Be prepared to leave your car on the side of the playa and walk in.  Bring only what you are able to carry on your weak, lily white collegiate backs.

ART! 

 To those setting up art projects out on the playa.  According to emergency regulations just issued by The Artery, ‘Any installation bigger than a breadbox will need rebar anchors no less than the size of a man’s thumb in width and 24″ inches in length’ to prevent your art from sinking irretrievable into one of the thirteen mud encrusted entryways to hell found in Nevada (the other 12 are found in Vegas).

It’s not a Playapocalypse, more like  a Playapocalipso

 Another danger is that that sun will actually come out and bake the mud dry.  This sounds like a great miracle that will save Burning Man from being a muddy morass of dubstep’d mayhem.  But beware Burners!  Danger lies in that there sun.  The playa is made of heavily concentrated alkaline soil.  When soaked in water over a long enough length of time and then exposed to the UV rays of the sun a chemical reaction takes place.  Normally innocent, non-violent soil is turned into a mild explosive when brought into contact with flames for 10 minutes or longer.  Poi and art-based flame affects more than 3 feet off the ground aren’t affected.  However, new emergency regulations issued by The Cookery state:  “Propane cookers and camp stoves without exception are banned with immediate affect.”  The Cookery suggests cooking your bacon, cous cous and potato chips with a dehydrator, solar oven, or just eating out of cans all week like those bro-stepping tourists camped beyond ‘F’.

 Leave your bikes at home! 

With the ubiquitous mud bikes will only slow you down this year.  Hiking boots, moon shoes or just plain old ‘hippie barefoot’ is the recommended mode of transport this year.  Yes Burners, you’ll have to trudge on foot to the 120 dB dubstep before you awkwardly pretend to dance to that arrhythmic aural nonsense.

 That is all, please enjoy your Burn.