Posts Tagged ‘state of the playa’

Threats from Above 2015

Gerlach, NV (AP) – In past years the biggest threat to Burners has been the playa surface; rendering bikes, propane tanks and dubstep too dangerous to use.  The playa is fine people.  Bring your bikes.

This year the threat comes from above.  The weather system known as ‘El Nino’ in addition to early signs of the coming apocalypse has ensured that the playa is full of life before you even arrive. 

Green pastures leading to Burning Man = insects.

Green pastures leading to Burning Man = insects.

Flying, feral insect life.  There are insects and bugs everywhere on the playa.  They are known as pentatomids and hemipterans and just plain mosquitos.  They have wings.  There is nothing to eat in the dry alkaline desert – they are hungry for blood. 

They await you: Burners.
Courtesy Reno Burners. They should know. They live this everyday.

Courtesy Reno Burners. They should know. They live this everyday.

Don’t believe Consumptionblog?  Here it is straight from Burning Man

And there’s another effect of the unseasonable wetness: Bugs. There are lots of bugs around.

The Good:  These little pestilential buggers are not naturally attracted to humans.  They prefer the pure blood of cattle and jackrabbits that roam the corridors of the 447 highway to Gerlach. 

The Bad: They find the active ingredient in sunscreen irresistible.  Avobenzone and Benzophenone, Titanium dioxide and Zinc oxide are like Chalupas from Taco Bell after you freebase shatter on your shitty cubicle job lunch break.       

Advice:  Don’t waste your money on sunscreen.  It will only do you harm.  Want to protect yourself from the sun and the millions of feral blood sucking insects.  Scrape your sequined daisy dukes in favor burkas and artic onsies.

The Horrible:  These insects are from Central America.  Just ask Donald Trump what that means.  Yeah.  They carry Dengue Fever.  Bone Break Fever isn’t an EDM dance floor hit. It’s not a mediocre hipster band from Los Angeles. 

Dengue Fever.  it’s a disease you’ll be suffering from by about Wednesday.

Advice:  Sell your ticket cheaply and spend the week in Box Elder, MO.  Or Bowling Green, KY or anywhere really.  Just as long as its not called ‘Black Rock Desert’.

So to recap – Pre-Apocalypse Pro El Nino Pestilential Plague from Central America has decided to crash Burning Man.  They are attracted to sunscreen and exposed skin.  Leave your sunscreen at home and pack your burka instead.

The Hot New Playa Fashion

The Hot New Playa Fashion

Fine Print: Satire does not constitute medical or other advice.

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Gerlach, NV – Consumptionblog’s reportation of facts about the State of the Playa and Daft Punk almost certainly playing Burning Man took hold launched like a Burning case of Dengue Fever.  Burning Man was forced to respond in an official statement using the veracity challenged social media site Facebook:

BmanTruth2

Burning Man is not cancelled.  Some yahoos say this every year.  The rest of these concerns, well, lets just say our reportage says otherwise:

satire

State of the Playa 2013

Every year the state of the playa surface that provides so much support against the evil forces of gravity present new and interesting challenges to Burners.  2013 is no different.

After persistent thunderstorms the playa finds itself in a condition like 90s pop band flavor of the month Wet Wet Wet.  This is a vast improvement over the playa conditions in 2003 that were deemed by DPW to be ‘Tony! Toni! Toné!‘.  Getting anything heavy into the playa for the Burn will be a challenge without Four Wheel Drive.  Leave your Prius at home.  Mud is reported to be 2 feet deep in areas and was reported to have almost swallowed the SpaceCowboys Unimoog during an ill advised 4th of Juplaya rave.

car-in-wet-playa

The Playa Before it Started Raining

Burning Man is trying it’s admirable best to deal with this situation.  DPW is in the midst of laying down a tremendous amount of cardboard to make the mud more passable.  This may help for those lucky enough to be on early arrival passes, but by the time you regular, non-special Burners are let in Sunday night…well…y’all are fucked.  Be prepared to leave your car on the side of the playa and walk in.  Bring only what you are able to carry on your weak, lily white collegiate backs.

ART! 

 To those setting up art projects out on the playa.  According to emergency regulations just issued by The Artery, ‘Any installation bigger than a breadbox will need rebar anchors no less than the size of a man’s thumb in width and 24″ inches in length’ to prevent your art from sinking irretrievable into one of the thirteen mud encrusted entryways to hell found in Nevada (the other 12 are found in Vegas).

It’s not a Playapocalypse, more like  a Playapocalipso

 Another danger is that that sun will actually come out and bake the mud dry.  This sounds like a great miracle that will save Burning Man from being a muddy morass of dubstep’d mayhem.  But beware Burners!  Danger lies in that there sun.  The playa is made of heavily concentrated alkaline soil.  When soaked in water over a long enough length of time and then exposed to the UV rays of the sun a chemical reaction takes place.  Normally innocent, non-violent soil is turned into a mild explosive when brought into contact with flames for 10 minutes or longer.  Poi and art-based flame affects more than 3 feet off the ground aren’t affected.  However, new emergency regulations issued by The Cookery state:  “Propane cookers and camp stoves without exception are banned with immediate affect.”  The Cookery suggests cooking your bacon, cous cous and potato chips with a dehydrator, solar oven, or just eating out of cans all week like those bro-stepping tourists camped beyond ‘F’.

 Leave your bikes at home! 

With the ubiquitous mud bikes will only slow you down this year.  Hiking boots, moon shoes or just plain old ‘hippie barefoot’ is the recommended mode of transport this year.  Yes Burners, you’ll have to trudge on foot to the 120 dB dubstep before you awkwardly pretend to dance to that arrhythmic aural nonsense.

 That is all, please enjoy your Burn.