Posts Tagged ‘Satire’

Little Nixon, NV – The newly minted not-for-profit Burning Man Organization of America in association with Black Rock Solar, Inc. just issued the following statement about fire poi at this years’ Burning Man Festival:

 

Starting at Burning Man 2014, ‘Commiserate’ we hereby declare all fire poi to be powered by solar or other approved alternative energy sources.   This may affect the time the Man is Burned (probably noon-ish this year).  The Department of Fire, Poi Division will be set up near the DMV this year where all poi instruments will be checked and licensed before being approved for use.  There will be 2 classes of Poi license, one for daytime use only and the other, for both day and night time use.  The number of licenses issued will be limited to 178.  All those found in violation of these rules will be forced to attend Ranger Training.

 

More information will be produced soon but the sun is going down and we need to conserve power on our solar free range organic laptops.

 

                                Soon to be rare Night Time Fire Poi at Burning Man?

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Omaha, NE – (CN) Greenpeace and the Cattleman’s Beef Board today announced the formation of  ‘MeatPeace’ as a vehicle to stop meat grown in laboratories from reaching American plates.

The fear of God was placed in both organizations by a new study from scientists at Oxford and Amsterdam University that found viable lab grown meat ‘would reduce greenhouse gases by up to 96% in comparison to raising animals. The process would require between 7% and 45% less energy than the same volume of conventionally produced meat such as pork, beef, or lamb, and could be engineered to use only 1% of the land and 4% of the water associated with conventional meat.’

Cattleman President Jim McGrit  at a joint press conference with Greenpeace announcing the coalition denounced lab meat in stark terms, “Frankenmeats have no place as part of the American diet.  America without cattle is no America at all.  We believe Meatpeace is an innovative way to saving America and cattle.  You’re welcome.”

Citing concerns that lab meat wasn’t natural, Greenpeace spokesperson Labia McVey invoked the spiritual, “We should only eat what has been bequeathed upon us from mother Gaia.  I mean the Bible pretty clearly states in John 1:3 – Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. And by Him they don’t mean some fucking scientist with a petri dish.”

At the press conference representatives of the Cattleman’s Beef Board and Greenpeace exchanged a cowboy hat and bottle of Dr. Bronners as a symbolic gesture before cutting on the ribbon on Meatpeace’s first project; a slaughterhouse.

The rainbow colored solar powered zero omission abattoir inaugurated as ‘Slice of Life’ was designed by Austrian torture artist Josef Fritzl was co-funded by both groups.

Greenpeace Approved Beef Flows from 'Slice of Life'

After the press conference Greenpeace Semi-Lead Consensus Co-Chair and new Meatpeace Co-Roaster  Hawkeye Yellowbelly joined the Beefmen for a dinner emanating meat.

Yum! It's what you need to Consume for Dinner.

With bits of throbbing gristle flying from his mouth after devouring a 1/4 pound Kobe beef burger topped with bacon, bleu cheese, organic arugula, and red onions on a freshly baked ptotato roll Hawkeye screamed “This fucking hamburger is fucking amazing – I can’t fucking believe I ate fucking lentils for 30 fucking year – what the fuck was I fucking thinking…fuck!”
After the press conference Greenpeace activists faced off with the PETA Youth Crew in the parking lot.  “I’d rather kill than eat frankenmeat” was overheard before shots rang out in the worst gang violence Nebraska had experienced since the signing of the Magna Carta.  Freegans swarmed the scene later to consume any free fixin’s left from the melee.

Dublin (CB) – Political Pundits across Ireland are saying famous British comedian and actor Stephen Fry may just have tipped the scales of the October Irish Presidential elections.  Yesterday on Twitter Fry endorsed Senator David Norris causing online bookmaker Paddy Power to put Norris as the 3 to 5 odds on frontrunner.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“You know what the endorsement of a prominent Cambridge educated gay Englishman does for your chances in Ireland,” Irish political blogger Paddy McCann wrote moments after Fry’s Tweet.  “Can you say ‘Winner’?”

David Norris is a prominent Irish civil rights campaigner and has been elected to the Irish Senate or Seanad Éireann from the Dublin University constituency since 1987.

A local brickie from the Tallaght neighborhood of South Dublin was asked what he thought of Fry’s endorso-tweet.  “I hate the fucking English, I voted Sinn Féin in the last election.  But Fry?  He’s a national treasure, Norris has got me vote now for sure.”

The Irish Presidential race is shaping up to be a crowded one with a diverse range of candidates from Boutros Boutros Ghali to Barry Glendenning vying for the largely ceremonial role.

The successful endorsement of Irish politicians by gay Englishmen is not without precedent.  In 1989 Erasure’s lead singer Andy Bell’s endorsement of Charles Haughey’s is generally credited with Fianna Fáil’s 77 seat victory in the Taoiseach.

Washington, DC – A spokesperson for President Obama announced today that Dennis Hopper had joined the Whitehouse Press Corp.   Although the noted actor and photojournalist had covered President Obama in his Chicago community organizing days the announcement came as a surprise as Hopper had been considered retired from this mortal coil for over a year.

When reached for comment Hooper said Obama approached him personally in the hallway and requested he take the job.

“I didn’t think he even noticed me,” exclaimed Hopper with a manic look and smell of death.   “And suddenly he grabbed me, and he threw me in a corner, and he said, “Do you know that ‘if’ is the middle word in life? If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you, if you can trust yourself when all men doubt you”… I mean I’m… no, I can’t… I’m a little man, I’m a little man, he’s… he’s a great man! ”

Appearing on a weekend political discussion show no one watches, George Will asked him what the first question he would put the president.  After snapping a couple close ups of a clearly shaken Will he responded, “Hey, man, you don’t question the Community Organizer. You listen to him. The man’s enlarged my mind. He’s a poet warrior in the classic sense.”

Many on the right including media mogul, dispassionate critic of Barack Obama and five time Rollerblade champion Andrew Breitbart attacked the appointment.  “I mean sure he’s more informed though certainly less handsome than Jake ‘The Tapeworm’ Tapper but what next, letting Al Jazeera in the White House?

Hopper’s ghostly apparition appeared next to Breitbart while he was speaking to the press about Hopper’s appointment.

“Why? Why would a nice guy like you want to dispassionately criticize  a Community Organizing genius? Feeling pretty good, huh? Why?

“Wait, what are you doing here?” stammered Breitbart.

“Do you know that the man really likes you? He likes you. He really likes you. But he’s got something in mind for you. Aren’t you curious about that? I’m curious. I’m very curious. Are you curious? There’s something happening out here, man.”

“Where, suburban Los Angeles?”

“You know something, man? I know something you that you don’t know. That’s right, Jack. The man is clear in his mind, but his soul is mad. Oh, yeah. He’s dying, I think. He hates all this. He hates it! But the man’s a…He reads poetry out loud, all right. And a voice…he likes you because you’re still alive. He’s got plans for you.”

“What’s the Mau Mau got in store for me,” Breitbart quivered with all the courage he could muster.  “And the name is Andrew or Andy like Andy Bell if you prefer.”

“No, I’m not gonna help you,” Hopper intoned.  “You’re gonna help him, man. You’re gonna help him. I mean, what are they gonna say when he’s gone? ‘Cause he dies when it dies, when it dies, he dies! What are they gonna say about him? He was a kind man? He was a wise man? He had plans? He had wisdom? Bullshit, man! And am I gonna be the one that’s gonna set them straight? Look at me! Look at me! Wrong! You!”

At a surreal press conference Whitehouse Spokesperson Jay Carney was asked by David Corn to comment on allegations surrounding Hopper’s Mortality.  An Oxygen-tank masked Carney threw a question right back at him “What kind of beer you like Corn?”

“Heineken.”

“Heineken? Fuck that shit! Pabst Blue Ribbon!”

With 2012 quickly approaching and destruction all around us isn’t it time you prepared for the worst Gaia and the Obama administration has to throw at you?

From the creators of Chia-ShivaPet © comes Aquarius Survival Pack ™-

‘Because you didn’t survive your past life.’ ™

Each Backpack comes equipped to help you and your two closest poli partners (choose wisely) commune with Nature for at least a week after any disaster.

One Disaster Mandala for Contemplation and Mercy especially designed by barefoot New Age co-star of Dual Survivor Cody Lundin

43 Vegan Organic MREs (You guessed right. Lentils and Chickpeas with some spices.  Yummy!)

1000mg of pure MDMA helpfully scaled out in 110mg doses

Ultra lite-weight fold-able yoga mats

Sewing Kit

Patagonia, Lululemon and The Northface Labels to sew on any clothes you may scavenge

Compostable Cutlery – naughty naughty you survivors over there with your plastic sporks…

Three 7th Generation Toilet paper rolls with 100 Bill McKibben columns embroidered on each roll.  If you are on a Shamanic Cleanse – this TP will last a very long time indeed.

One water and fire proof deck each: Tarot, Goddess, UNO.

Freeze dried Kombucha Mother (Just add water!) Kombucha is known to fight the effects of radiation and other toxins so don’t worry about your water source.

Ph testing strips – because you want the best Ph balance you can at the end of the world.

And finally

Six pre-sharpened New Age healing crystals – if Gaia proves to be the vindictive bitch you’ve always kinda suspected she was you can slit your wrists and end it all.

All of this in a hemp backpack made by indigenous people no where near where you live now but guaranteed to be a very special and authentic location (China).

Best of all about the Aquarius Survival Pack is what you WON’T find. Western Medicine. Or your money back.  That’s right folks we guarantee absolutely:

No Antibiotics

No Painkillers

Not even Neosporin

All this for the special pre-Burn price of three payments of $199.99

Namaste.

BurningMan 2011 News Now

Gerlach, NV – Tea Party Comrades have started organizing in earnest for this years 2011 BurningMan festival. On sites like Townhall, Red State, and Free Republic Tea Party Burners are planning a large theme camp named “Oolong It Don’t Take a Village”. Lead organizer Tommy T-Baggin’ said they expect over 300 Oolong’ers this year.

Tea Lady

On the message boards of the nascent Burning Teabagger’s websites a push is gaining momentum to out ‘The Man’ as being foreign born and thus is ineligible to be burnt, exploded, and otherwise destroyed on Bureau of Land Management terra firma under an obscure law championed by 19th Century Kentucky Senator and neo-trade unionist Tuckerite Cassius Clay. If successful the Oolongs would achieve a major coup. The Man has only not been burnt once right after the Bonfire of the Vanities consumed all Burnable Goods in Italy shortly before the infamous Florentine Burn of 1497 where Machiavelli was eaten alive Burn Night as the best possible alternative.

The Man

One Oolong Burner ‘Dusty Earl’ reached by Skype was asked why they would want to stop the Man from being Burnt after all these milennia of decadent immolation and Trance music. “Burning Man has been run by a small cabal of goths and hippies.” Said Dusty, “with a foreign born 5th Steel column being right at the center literally and figuratively.”

“These Jacobians claim to be for the future, they claim to be in favor of the towns in the surrounding area – if that’s the case then why is Empire being shut down?” frothed the Earl. “Why will I have to get my Campbells’ Chunky Beef Soup in Reno? Why will I have to find a way to keep my Boca Burgers frozen all the way from Fernley? Do you know how fucking hot it is on the playa?! Why Why Why!!!” he wailed as his scratchy internet Skype call slowly faded like Mazzy Star’s mid-1990s success.

Mazzy+star+ +1

Tea Party Oolongers’ first arrived at BurningMan in 2010 and were immediately boosted by the successful outing of Larry Harvey as having been born in Transnistria or the Pridnestrovian Moldavian Republic for those lacking the gift of brevity rather than Terre Haute, Indiana as Harvey claimed when he ran for the first and only time to become Supreme Overlord of BurningMan in a supremely undemocratic election during an orgy/Alsatian cabinet making session on Baker Beach in 1962. Harvey has since retired and is rumored to live in a dacha on the Black Sea where he runs a human trafficking syndicate and participates in an Old Church Slavonic mens Choir every Saturday Night.

Early cyrillic alphabet

Chief Oolong pre-Playa organizer Dusty Duke said Ooloong It Don’t Take a Village will be run on liquid coal airlifted in daily on a C-130 from West Virginia. The main community event of Oolong will be the dumping of several tons of processed frozen TV Dinners on the playa at Noon Thursday in a historic re-enactment of the Revolutionary Era Tea Party Protest. A spokesperson for the Earth Guardians talking to this reporter on condition of animosity said they plan a counter protest of the event dressed up as Redcoats delivering musket fire involving re-used organic wild harvested lead in the general direction of the Oolongers.

800px Swanson TV dinner

Two recent Reality Shows have demonstrated the limited use of horses during the Zombie Apocalypse.

The first was late last year 2010 during Episode Two when Sheriff Rick rode a horse into Atlanta, recently nicknamed by TimeOut as ‘Zomblanta’ – the second witnessed just today in Cairo.

Situational Analysis One – The Walking Dead:

Benefits: The Horse was very useful for speedy transport on the open, deserted roads that are now a hallmark of traffic patterns in Atlanta.

The horse are easy to maneuver through abandon car traffic jams. They are also easy relative to cars re-fuel with lots of readily available food sources.  Unlike gassing up a car you aren’t limited to gas stations of unknown gas supplies where there is likely to be lots of debris, rotting corpses, and of primary concern – zombies.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Negatives:

Zombies love eating horses – horses get spooked around zombies and you risk being dismounted.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Situational Analysis Two: Mounted Mubarrak Zombie Charge

During the middle slog of Aquarius 2011 we’ve seen larger and more symmetric warfare between bands of humans and and army of zombies roughly translated from Arabic as the ‘Mubarraks’.

In a surprising demonstration of zombie intelligence, teamwork and toolmaking the undead Mubarraks used horses and camels to charge their living enemies.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Benefits:

When used in groups down large avenues the use of horses and camels are an impressive, scary and surreal show of force and intimidation.

Negatives:

If you are dismounted – get ready for the ass kicking of a life time.

Conclusion: Overall horses, camels, asses, mules, jackasses, domesticated zebras and other ridable four legged friends are a good resource to have on hand.  Use them for transport, resupply, and tactical withdrawal.  However horses are not recommended for use by humans or zombies during direct confrontation as horses get freaked out by zombies and once you are dismounted – well, it’s not even worth considering.