Posts Tagged ‘End of the World’

New Age Survival Backpack – While Supplies and the Planet Lasts!

Posted: March 25, 2011 in Products, Silly, Zombie
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With 2012 quickly approaching and destruction all around us isn’t it time you prepared for the worst Gaia and the Obama administration has to throw at you?

From the creators of Chia-ShivaPet © comes Aquarius Survival Pack ™-

‘Because you didn’t survive your past life.’ ™

Each Backpack comes equipped to help you and your two closest poli partners (choose wisely) commune with Nature for at least a week after any disaster.

One Disaster Mandala for Contemplation and Mercy especially designed by barefoot New Age co-star of Dual Survivor Cody Lundin

43 Vegan Organic MREs (You guessed right. Lentils and Chickpeas with some spices.  Yummy!)

1000mg of pure MDMA helpfully scaled out in 110mg doses

Ultra lite-weight fold-able yoga mats

Sewing Kit

Patagonia, Lululemon and The Northface Labels to sew on any clothes you may scavenge

Compostable Cutlery – naughty naughty you survivors over there with your plastic sporks…

Three 7th Generation Toilet paper rolls with 100 Bill McKibben columns embroidered on each roll.  If you are on a Shamanic Cleanse – this TP will last a very long time indeed.

One water and fire proof deck each: Tarot, Goddess, UNO.

Freeze dried Kombucha Mother (Just add water!) Kombucha is known to fight the effects of radiation and other toxins so don’t worry about your water source.

Ph testing strips – because you want the best Ph balance you can at the end of the world.

And finally

Six pre-sharpened New Age healing crystals – if Gaia proves to be the vindictive bitch you’ve always kinda suspected she was you can slit your wrists and end it all.

All of this in a hemp backpack made by indigenous people no where near where you live now but guaranteed to be a very special and authentic location (China).

Best of all about the Aquarius Survival Pack is what you WON’T find. Western Medicine. Or your money back.  That’s right folks we guarantee absolutely:

No Antibiotics

No Painkillers

Not even Neosporin

All this for the special pre-Burn price of three payments of $199.99

Namaste.

Use of Horses during Zombie Apocalypse

Posted: February 3, 2011 in Silly, Zombie
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Two recent Reality Shows have demonstrated the limited use of horses during the Zombie Apocalypse.

The first was late last year 2010 during Episode Two when Sheriff Rick rode a horse into Atlanta, recently nicknamed by TimeOut as ‘Zomblanta’ – the second witnessed just today in Cairo.

Situational Analysis One – The Walking Dead:

Benefits: The Horse was very useful for speedy transport on the open, deserted roads that are now a hallmark of traffic patterns in Atlanta.

The horse are easy to maneuver through abandon car traffic jams. They are also easy relative to cars re-fuel with lots of readily available food sources.  Unlike gassing up a car you aren’t limited to gas stations of unknown gas supplies where there is likely to be lots of debris, rotting corpses, and of primary concern – zombies.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Negatives:

Zombies love eating horses – horses get spooked around zombies and you risk being dismounted.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Situational Analysis Two: Mounted Mubarrak Zombie Charge

During the middle slog of Aquarius 2011 we’ve seen larger and more symmetric warfare between bands of humans and and army of zombies roughly translated from Arabic as the ‘Mubarraks’.

In a surprising demonstration of zombie intelligence, teamwork and toolmaking the undead Mubarraks used horses and camels to charge their living enemies.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Benefits:

When used in groups down large avenues the use of horses and camels are an impressive, scary and surreal show of force and intimidation.

Negatives:

If you are dismounted – get ready for the ass kicking of a life time.

Conclusion: Overall horses, camels, asses, mules, jackasses, domesticated zebras and other ridable four legged friends are a good resource to have on hand.  Use them for transport, resupply, and tactical withdrawal.  However horses are not recommended for use by humans or zombies during direct confrontation as horses get freaked out by zombies and once you are dismounted – well, it’s not even worth considering.