Greenpeace & Beefboard Join Forces to Stop Lab Meat

Posted: July 5, 2011 in News, Satire
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Omaha, NE – (CN) Greenpeace and the Cattleman’s Beef Board today announced the formation of  ‘MeatPeace’ as a vehicle to stop meat grown in laboratories from reaching American plates.

The fear of God was placed in both organizations by a new study from scientists at Oxford and Amsterdam University that found viable lab grown meat ‘would reduce greenhouse gases by up to 96% in comparison to raising animals. The process would require between 7% and 45% less energy than the same volume of conventionally produced meat such as pork, beef, or lamb, and could be engineered to use only 1% of the land and 4% of the water associated with conventional meat.’

Cattleman President Jim McGrit  at a joint press conference with Greenpeace announcing the coalition denounced lab meat in stark terms, “Frankenmeats have no place as part of the American diet.  America without cattle is no America at all.  We believe Meatpeace is an innovative way to saving America and cattle.  You’re welcome.”

Citing concerns that lab meat wasn’t natural, Greenpeace spokesperson Labia McVey invoked the spiritual, “We should only eat what has been bequeathed upon us from mother Gaia.  I mean the Bible pretty clearly states in John 1:3 – Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. And by Him they don’t mean some fucking scientist with a petri dish.”

At the press conference representatives of the Cattleman’s Beef Board and Greenpeace exchanged a cowboy hat and bottle of Dr. Bronners as a symbolic gesture before cutting on the ribbon on Meatpeace’s first project; a slaughterhouse.

The rainbow colored solar powered zero omission abattoir inaugurated as ‘Slice of Life’ was designed by Austrian torture artist Josef Fritzl was co-funded by both groups.

Greenpeace Approved Beef Flows from 'Slice of Life'

After the press conference Greenpeace Semi-Lead Consensus Co-Chair and new Meatpeace Co-Roaster  Hawkeye Yellowbelly joined the Beefmen for a dinner emanating meat.

Yum! It's what you need to Consume for Dinner.

With bits of throbbing gristle flying from his mouth after devouring a 1/4 pound Kobe beef burger topped with bacon, bleu cheese, organic arugula, and red onions on a freshly baked ptotato roll Hawkeye screamed “This fucking hamburger is fucking amazing – I can’t fucking believe I ate fucking lentils for 30 fucking year – what the fuck was I fucking thinking…fuck!”
After the press conference Greenpeace activists faced off with the PETA Youth Crew in the parking lot.  “I’d rather kill than eat frankenmeat” was overheard before shots rang out in the worst gang violence Nebraska had experienced since the signing of the Magna Carta.  Freegans swarmed the scene later to consume any free fixin’s left from the melee.

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