Posts Tagged ‘Burning Man Tickets’

BREAKING NEWS – NEW 2012 BURNING MAN THEME: ‘BURNERS.ME 2.0
MORE DETAILS ON THIS DEVELOPING STORY WILL BE POSTED HERE AS WE GET THEM

Burners.ME 2.0

TenderBurn, SF (CN) – Fertility 2.0 is no more.   In the midst of the 2012 Burning Man Ticket Apocalypse an anonymous source from the upper echelons of The Event North of Reno claims the previously announced theme ‘Fertility 2.0’ has been scraped.

“Unless Fertility means ‘Anger Wrapped in Frustration and Deep Fried in Resentment’, it just doesn’t fly,” stated Dusty Throat from a car park in Antioch where Consumptionblog agreed to meet.  “Instead we at Burning Man HQ feel it is far more fitting that the 2012 theme be ‘Burners.ME 2.0‘. Please don’t take this as us being in any way bitter or fed up with Burners whining and moaning over every goddamned little thing we do or don’t do.   Rather it’s meant to reflect the new online lives we are all living or something.”

I LOVE the new theme!

While the new theme will be a surprise to many Burners, especially the hundreds of thousands of Burning Man Virgins holding tickets, it’s actually a reprise from the Burn of ’79.  Held at Studio 54 in New York City the ‘Burners ME!’ event featured the Burning of a 20 foot Crescent Moon Man holding a spoon.  It was considered one of the worst Burns in the history of the event.

Very Few Remember the Burn of '79

This is a developing news story.  More details here on the dramatic theme U-Turn as they become available.

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Watch Out!

Hone Creek, Costa Rica (CN) – The veracity of Consumptionblog’s Investigative Reports are often questioned.  None more so than a story we ran in November of 2011 citing anonymous sources that Burning Man was going to adopt an NFL style draft system to distribute tickets.  Consider the draft implemented √

Burning Man Adopts NFL Draft for 2012 Ticket Distribution

Posted: November 11, 2011

The 17 members of Burning Man Corp.’s Board of Directors will pick Burner draftees in order of preference until all of the available tickets are distributed.

‘The new NFL Draft ticket distribution modality makes the whole process simpler and based on meritocracy as judged by me and 16 other awesome Burners.” said Board of Director and popular NPR Fresh Air’ hostess Terry Gross.

While old news to us Sy Hersh devotees of deep investigative journalism, this was revealed as FACT late yesterday evening by the good folks in charge of the Event North of Reno.

Ticket Update: Rebuilding Black Rock City 2012

Where Will He Be Drafted?

1. Burning Man organizers and staff will issue tickets to major theme camps and art projects using a process outlined below…

Because we know this number cannot possibly satisfy the entirety of that demand, we will use practical criteria to determine eligibility. These groups will be reviewed for:

  1. History – A camp, project or participatory work must be in our database from past years. (We have ways to track name changes for groups over time.)
  2. Demonstrated Community Benefit – A project has been interactive in a way that has been experienced as meaningful, provides support for Black Rock City’s infrastructure, or provides services for our community. Basically, how the project helps make the community and create its magic.
  3. LNT – A group has demonstrated adherence to and good practices around Leave No Trace and are committed to our community perpetuating the message of LNT.
  4. 10 Principles – A group or project fully embraces the 10 Principles in their entirety.

Check back here regularly @ Consumptionblog for more reality based journalism surrounding Burning Man 2012.

Milf Valley, CA (CN) – Ticketless Burners are threatening to sue Dr. Seuss due to the popularity of the Burning Man themed viral video Ohh the Places You’ll Go!’  Burners who were denied tickets in the controversial Burning Man ticket lottery blame the delightful, whimsical Seussian verse for driving many non-Burners to sign up for and ultimately receive tickets.

"I won't say shit till I talk to my lawyer"

According to Andie Grace, spokesperson for the Event North of Reno on the Burning Blog:

“One such participant shared a magical YouTube video he created in 2011 (“Oh The Places You’ll Go!”) – the link hit the Huffington Post in January and went viral, eventually hitting 1.3 million views from all around the world; its visibility peaked right around the day that ticket registration opened.”

Burners considering unorthodox action to gain tickets and/or gleeful self-righteous satisfaction to this years Burning Man say the lawsuit is only one of their tools.

“We’d sue the great weather at the 2011 Burn if we could,” stated one Burner who wished to remain anonymous.  “Most likely we’ll just go to Symbiosis.

Dr. Seuss supporters responded from their compound in Mt. Soledad saying  the Doctor would plead innocence by reason of mortality.

Other 2012 Burning Man Ticket News:

Burning Man Looks to NFL for Ticket Distribution

Sex & Community Threaten Burning Man 2012

Not So Fast, 2012 Burners!

Gerlach, NV (CN) – The organization that runs The Event North of Reno (TENR Corp.) has revealed that the new ticket scheme in place for Burning Man 2012 – the so-called ‘Ticket Lottery of Destiny’ (TLOD) is being threaten by Burners procreating and having a sense of community.

Hundreds of thousands of people have registered for the 1st round of tickets under the new scheme, modeled on the NFL draft.  Only 40,000 will be drafted this week meaning many Burners will not get tickets. Many tickets will now be threatened with entering the secondary market via scalpers, StubHub and other barely legal resale parasites.

Caught unaware of Burners proclivity towards creativity and organization, event spokesperson Will Chase lamented in a recent blog post, “Turns out, people are VERY EAGER to go to Burning Man this year.”  Pausing to look out the Burning Man office window at the gathering crowd of angry Burners, “So much so, in fact, that they found creative ways to increase their odds of getting tickets in the Main Sale.  It seems that people likely got their friends, family and campmates to order tickets as well.”

Thousands of regrettable children and embarrassing in-laws have been created since the early 90s when Burning Man really got its mojo and ‘Fertility 1.0’ started in earnest.  Many of those playa love children are now old enough to own credit cards and have reserved two tickets in their name after their Burner parents requested it.

'Whoever Reserved a Ticket for your Parents Touch Your Toes'

Dusty Lentil, who has organized the hippie Counter-Raveformation revival at Burning Man in past years says many in his hippie cohort learned the tactic as a way of securing tickets to Phish.  “Dude when Phish did four nights at Red Rock back in ’09 they had a similar ticketing system.  I made sure even my great Aunt Vera put her name in for two tickets.  Man, that show, they opened up with ‘Divided Sky’ and…”

19 years old Fire Williams was reached by phone while he campaigned for Newt Gingrich in Florida. He reserved two tickets even though he has no intention of attending the event.  Conceived at the Burn of ’92 Fire has not been back.

“My parents are divorced, but they still go to the Burn every year.  My mom camps with ‘Kostume Kult’ and my Dad, ‘Comfort and Joy’.  Signing up for tickets for them is an easy way to show I still care even though I still spend most my time trying to royally piss them off.”

The Burn is Fucked!

Experts predict the ticket situation will only worsen in future Burns as the newly announced theme for 2012, ‘Fertility 2.0‘, spawns thousands of acts of unprotected, baby-making, ticket holding playa loving’.

Tenderloin District, San Francisco (CN) – Many Burners would be hard pressed to name any similarities between the National Football League (NFL) and Burning Man.  However that’s all about to change.  In an effort to alleviate last years chaos that engulfed San Francsico in riots when Burning Man sold out of tickets without warning the governing Board of Directors have taken a page from the NFL playbook.

Starting in 2012 all 50,000 Burners to be granted tickets to Nevada’s 5th largest stadium north of Reno will have to make themselves eligible for an NFL style draft.

“With its well known connections to the Mob, Sparkle Pony Fans, and heavy use of performance enhancing drugs by the participants, known as ‘players’ the NFL was a natural model for Burning Man to emulate,” said event founder Larry Harvey at a press conference announcing the move.

Sparkle Hogs at Skins Burn of 2010

The 17 members of Burning Man Corp.’s Board of Directors will pick Burner draftees in order of preference until all of the available tickets are distributed.

‘The new NFL Draft ticket distribution modality makes the whole process simpler and based on meritocracy as judged by me and 16 other awesome Burners.” said Board of Director and popular NPR Fresh Air’ hostess Terry Gross.

“Like the NFL we’ve taken steps to make sure the draft happens quickly, without too much second guessing and speculation and live on ESPN.”

Burning Man Draft 2012 Rules:

1. All those interested in entering the Burning Man draft fill out a simple ‘baseball card’ style application process with valid credit card number by January 5th.

2. After being printed the cards are randomly distributed by a professional Vegas Poker Dealer to the 17 Board of Directors who shall be seated at a large round table.  After a designated time of no more than one hour the Directors will each pick a #1 Burner Draft Pick (BDP) from their respective piles.

3. The #1 Burner Draft Picks of each Burning Man Corp. Director will be awarded the right of ”’primae noctis” with any virgin Burners they choose during the event.

4. After the #1 Burner Draft Picks are paraded in the front of the media, the Board of Directors will be locked in a conference room at the Grand Sierra Resort for no less than one month.   The remaining 49,883 Burners will be drafted based on a combination of the rules of proportional representation used to elect members of the Israeli Knesset and the card-based role playing game Magic: The Gathering.

It's as Simple as it is Exciting

5. Exceptions to the draft are French Electronic Duo Daft Punk, Chicken Jon, anyone with the word ‘dusty’ in their playa name and Barack and Michele Obama. These beloved Burners automatically get gifted tickets.

6. Those who qualify for discount or scholarship tickets after being drafted will be required to de-moop DISTRKT and the other large Sound Camps for one week after the event ends.

7. Finally, depending on what your draft number is, how many Burns you can prove you’ve been to as well as who on the Board drafts you will determine where you are allowed to camp and what day you can arrive at the event North of Reno.  This is based on a mathematical formula some DPW folks came up during a weekend bender at Bruno’s Country Club.

Example: Mary Jane Playa Crotch is a five time Burner and is drafted #23,614 by Chip Conley 14 days  and three hours into the draft.  This determines that Mary Jane will be camping with Comfort and Joy and will be allowed to arrive no earlier than Wednesday of the event.  Her credit card is then charged, she is notified via e-mail and Board Members move on to Draft Pick #23,615.

“No one said being on the Board of Directors is all Bacon and Jiffy Lube,” said Made Marian, long time Burner and Burning Man’s Organized Crime Liaison.  “But we believe the process will be thorough, Byzantine, and mind numbingly comprehensive.”

Speculation has already begun on who will be the #1 Draft Pick. Early betting in Vegas currently has five time Burner, Yoga Instructor and tribal hipster known only as ‘Ashley’ as the 3 to 5 favorite.

I  ♥ the NFL Draft

“I can tell you who won’t be the #1 Pick,” said ESPN Burning Man Analyst Little Spoon.  “Tim Couch and JaMarcus Russell that’s who.  While they have great playa names, if you can’t hack it in the NFL you certainly can’t hack it at one of the harshest environments on earth.”

For more on this story develops subscribe to @consumptionblog on the Twitter

Please let others know about this new Burning Man ticket scheme by ‘Like’ing this on Facebook, Retweeting, Stumbling or clicking other social media buttons bel0w.    With your help we can avoid the riots and chaos of 2011.  Thank you.

“As Goes Black Rock City, So Goes the World” Herodotus

Burning Man is in full fledged freak out mode.

Don’t buy the calm, slightly sarcastic repose of the Burning Man organizers.  They are shaking in their dusty black boots.

Burning Man is having a crisis not seen since Larry Harvey decided to hold the Burn of 1916 in Verdun in an ill conceived scheme to save money on fireworks.

Here is but a short list of press reports documenting that event in the desert slightly north of Reno slow decent into chaos:

Tickets are sold out and Burners are rioting


The Man has been exposed as being foreign born

Trance music is at an all time low

Obama has sold his Burning Man tickets yet again.


You can now find your friends easily on the playa.

Ghaddafi to appear in the Thunderdome

PETA has filed suite against Burning Man

New Age Survival Backpacks Selling Like Hotcakes 

Washington, DC (CN) – As America plunged toward Debtpocalypse rumors swirled on Capitol Hill that debt default could result in more tickets for Burning Man preventing Playapocalpyse.  As usual rumors and last minute negotiations in Washington, DC are Byzantine and abusive to any common standards of language and decency but Mark Smith an analyst from the think tank American’s for Excellence in Prosperity puts forward the case:

“Burning Man was forced to sell out by the Bureau of Land Management (BLM); limiting tickets to 50,000.   BLM is a federal agency of a piddling 10,000 employees. If the Federal Government defaults BLM will be unable to enforce the ticket limit and Burning Man Corp can simply sell more tickets at the gate,” explained Smith.  “At least that’s what I’m hoping.  You don’t have an extra ticket do you?”

Asked how pervasive this rumor is in Washington DC, Smith, who goes by the playa name ‘Dusty Shill’ speculated “It’s all over the place, I just heard it twice at Eastern Market and it was all young staffers could talk about last night at The Big Hunt.”

Consumptive NewsWire had no way to verify this rumor.  BLM offices were closed on Sunday and unavailable for comment.  Burning Man staff were attending Sunday services at the Cornerstone Evangelical Baptist Church just off the 280 as is their usual custom.

Burning Man Ticket Rumor Updates Here as we get them.