Sex and Community Threaten Burning Man 2012

Posted: January 30, 2012 in 2012, BurningMan, Satire
Tags: , , , , ,

Not So Fast, 2012 Burners!

Gerlach, NV (CN) – The organization that runs The Event North of Reno (TENR Corp.) has revealed that the new ticket scheme in place for Burning Man 2012 – the so-called ‘Ticket Lottery of Destiny’ (TLOD) is being threaten by Burners procreating and having a sense of community.

Hundreds of thousands of people have registered for the 1st round of tickets under the new scheme, modeled on the NFL draft.  Only 40,000 will be drafted this week meaning many Burners will not get tickets. Many tickets will now be threatened with entering the secondary market via scalpers, StubHub and other barely legal resale parasites.

Caught unaware of Burners proclivity towards creativity and organization, event spokesperson Will Chase lamented in a recent blog post, “Turns out, people are VERY EAGER to go to Burning Man this year.”  Pausing to look out the Burning Man office window at the gathering crowd of angry Burners, “So much so, in fact, that they found creative ways to increase their odds of getting tickets in the Main Sale.  It seems that people likely got their friends, family and campmates to order tickets as well.”

Thousands of regrettable children and embarrassing in-laws have been created since the early 90s when Burning Man really got its mojo and ‘Fertility 1.0’ started in earnest.  Many of those playa love children are now old enough to own credit cards and have reserved two tickets in their name after their Burner parents requested it.

'Whoever Reserved a Ticket for your Parents Touch Your Toes'

Dusty Lentil, who has organized the hippie Counter-Raveformation revival at Burning Man in past years says many in his hippie cohort learned the tactic as a way of securing tickets to Phish.  “Dude when Phish did four nights at Red Rock back in ’09 they had a similar ticketing system.  I made sure even my great Aunt Vera put her name in for two tickets.  Man, that show, they opened up with ‘Divided Sky’ and…”

19 years old Fire Williams was reached by phone while he campaigned for Newt Gingrich in Florida. He reserved two tickets even though he has no intention of attending the event.  Conceived at the Burn of ’92 Fire has not been back.

“My parents are divorced, but they still go to the Burn every year.  My mom camps with ‘Kostume Kult’ and my Dad, ‘Comfort and Joy’.  Signing up for tickets for them is an easy way to show I still care even though I still spend most my time trying to royally piss them off.”

The Burn is Fucked!

Experts predict the ticket situation will only worsen in future Burns as the newly announced theme for 2012, ‘Fertility 2.0‘, spawns thousands of acts of unprotected, baby-making, ticket holding playa loving’.

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