Posts Tagged ‘Burning Man 2012’

Dear Burning Man,

When I saw the news flash of a meteorite hitting Russia today I immediately ascribed it’s origins to Burning Man.  As a long time Burner, how could I not?  For more on this unique event I went to the source, BurningMan.com.  What I found was a cover up of all evidence the meteorite stirke was caused by the people who run Burning Man.  Burners.me will soon have the full story I am sure.

The Real Burning Man Project?

Instead what I found was a recent posting on the 2012 Burning Man Census helpfully entitled:  BRC Census: Were You Counted? Did You Count? Can You Count?  And it dawned on me.  My camp, the eternal Bumblepuss, is Burning Man.

Just look at these numbers and tell me I’m wrong:

AGE
Under 20 years: 4% (1% – 7%)
20 – 40 years: 71% (65% – 77%)
Over 40 years: 24% (19% – 29%)
Average age: 34 (33 – 36)

CURRENT GENDER
Female: 38% (32% – 44%)
Male: 60% (56% – 65%)
Both/neither/fluid: 1.5% (< 1% – 3%)

Percent of population who are at Burning Man for the FIRST TIME
39%* (32% – 45%)

TICKET SOURCE
Burning Man: 60% (55% – 64%)
friend: 27% (25% – 28%)
stranger: 6% (2% – 11%)
third party reseller: 3.3% (2.6% – 4.1%)

TICKET PRICE
More than face value: 6% (4% – 7%)
Face value: 74% (72% – 75%)
Less than face value: 8% (5% – 11%)
Gift: 5% (3% – 7%)

MISCELLANEOUS
Percent of eligible voters who VOTED in at least one of the last four federal US elections
83% (80% – 87%)

Political party affiliation among eligible voters
Democratic: 34% (30% – 38%)
None: 33% (26% – 40%)
Republican: 24% (18% – 29%)
Other: 3.5% (2% – 5%)
Green: 1.5% (< 1% – 2.2%)

Percent of the population for whom English is their first language
86% (81% – 90%)

Percent of population who reside in the US
76% (59% – 93%)

Except the fact that Bumblers are all hedonistic consequentialists practicing radical anarcho-syndicalism in all aspects in our lives and thus uniformly vote Republican, sans two wild and wooly Kantian Canadians, you basically nailed the nail on the head with the Burning Hammer of Truth.

Because of this radical self expression of group similarity between Bumblepuss and Burning Man I suggest that in 2013 you simply take a census at Bumblepuss.  This would save the time and money of the BMorg and perhaps lower the ticket prices by .25¢.  Volunteers could be used for other purposes such as staying in Reno and preparing the Grand Sierra Resort for the after party.   Finally, those concerned with the relentless measurement-ization of Burning Man would have their worse Orwellian fears simultaneously assuaged and inflamed.

We at Bumblepuss after a long days work helping naked people into the Steambath Project puff our chests out, put our hands up and say,

“Count Us, Burning Man; for We, Bumblepuss, are Burning Man!”

6:30 and Something, maybe D, sorta near Nectar Village, NV (CN)  – I found this headlamp at the Burn.  Is it yours? Sorry I took so long.

Yours? Really?

Yours? Really?

Decompression was really tough and if I’m honest, I kinda like using it.

I think it’s a BlackDiamond.  It was Tuesday after the Burn, it was in a bag on an abandoned bike on 6:30 and something, maybe D, sorta near Nectar Village.  It was extremely dusty.  From the location I found this headlamp I could see a Budget rental truck, a couple tents and the flags from the top of Center Camp.

headlamp3a

Do you use Duracell? Then this might be yours.

Perhaps the biggest identifying element on it is the Duracell batteries.  They still power the headlamp.

From the Playa to the Galaxy

From the Playa to the Galaxy

If you believe this to be your headlamp, please submit a story how you lost it in the comments section below and then mail a blood, hair and stool sample plus $125 cash for testing to the Hotel Galaxy in Changuinola, Panama, Bocas Del Toro, Avenida 17 de Abril c/o ‘Gringo’s Lost Headlamp’ where it currently provides light during occasional power outages.   The headlamps rightful owner, once identified, will arrange to meet me at Burning Man 2013, Cargo Cult in Nevada, somewhere around 6:30 and something, sorta near Nectar Village.

Thank you.

Black Rock City – Stick a fork in their bloated Adidas visored corpse.  Ravers at Burning Man are done.  After many years of Raver dominance over the hippies at Burning Man, hippies may be sitting in the cultural throne for many years to come.

Your time is done.

For years hippies at Burning Man were relegated to second class citizens.  Their drum circles were drown out by blissful anthem trance and hypnotic progressive house; they were relegated to slouching around Human Carcass Wash and HeeBeeGeeBee Healers.  In a sign of how fast things change, it was only 2011 when hippies took over the mantle of dominant subculture at Burning Man.

The soon to be ineffectual World Hippie Council released a short, celebratory statement to the media:

 “This year us hippies demonstrated that the future is a moccasin stomping on a rolling ravers face – forever.  No judgement.”

That’s right – we’re number one!

At a meeting to sign a formal treaty of surrender in the parking lot of a Beats Antique show in Omaha, Raver kingpin Syd Gris announced long time raver palace ‘Opulent Temple’ was closing up shop. “Ravers are no longer ‘Children of the Night’, said Syd in the post surrender ceremony press conference.  “Most ravers are now  parents who occasionally do a bump of blow in some suburban breakfast nook listening to a scratchy Goldie album in jittery nostalgia between over anxious texts with the babysitter.”

“All that Calvin Klein and shitty pressed pills finally caught up with us.” – Josh Wink

Double Stacked!

Analysts say Hippies had several demographic, economic and cultural trends going for them.  The 2012 apocalypse popularity was always going to favor the hippies.  And once hippies accepted bass music and dubstep into their ouvre the ravers days were numbered.

“The coveted 18-25 demographic swung almost over night to the Hippies once Bassnectar got hot.” – Gallup Research

Longtime Hippie Burner Dusty Lentil said on his tumblr blog ‘Boulder is Awesome, Man’: “Ravers and their googley eyes can talk about PLUR all they want but ravers = conspicuous consumption capitalists – that worked great in the boom years. Thankfully for us the economy collapsed.  Ever since 2007 it got a lot easier to get a girl into bed talking shit about ‘the man’ around a campfire beating on a drum, rolling a cigarette.”

Some Ravers hold out hope of a revival a few years down the road.  Found on one electronic dance music forum an anonymous poster said, “Ravers will be back at Burning Man.  Morning trance will never be defeated.  At least we still have Ricardo Villalobos and Kompakt – thank fuck for Germany.”


Facebook Buttons Image 3721  Burner Map

In a move to apparently become the next Myspace, Facebook is acquiring yet another social networking site with a loyal following. It was announced today that the internet giant is buying BurnerMap. The app, described on AngelList as “Google Maps for Sparkle Ponies,” currently helps about half of all Burning Man attendees find where their friends are camping.

BurnerMap nemesis Crankydust, founder of the Association of Burners for Burning Burner Map (ABBBM) was mildly disappointed with the purchase. “Decomidi-fuckin-fication folks!  What’s next? An ad shoot for Krug?  Coffee sales in center camp?  No sex allowed in tents!? Some flaming pumpkin seed monster/lemonade stand “art piece”? This event has gone to hell!”

Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg explained the reasons behind the acquisition.  “On their website they call Facebook ‘The Zuckerborg’  with a funny picture of me as a Borg.  It makes me chuckle every time.  Plus, it was only a billion dollars. I figured, why not? I dropped that on a game of mini-golf over the weekend.”

It’s rumored Facebook payed somewhere east southeast of $1 billion.  That’s “b” as in “billion.”

The four founders of the app Morgasm, Little Spoon, Brandl and T. Dazzl were surprisingly calm.

“Last night I had $134.36 in my checking account.  I wake up and there is $250 million.  I still can’t take more than $300 cash out of an ATM, what the fuck?!” said Little Spoon.

Little Spoon

Brandl, found frantically looking for that round double valve flanged piece of pvc pipe for the flaming pumpkin seed monster/lemonade stand (you know the one) in a Lowes in Fernley, NV screamed, “I’ll give you a million dollars if you help me find the damn thing . . . and some oven paint. No really, a million dollars. Yeah, I’m talking to you, Mr. Press Release Writer. Make yourself useful!”

T. Dazzl was found on a private jet in Reno applying 14k Gold glitter on the faces of people in his entourage. “We started BurnerMap to help people find their friends.  Now I’m rich, biatch!   Lets celebrate with a karaoke orgy. No, not the one we are having right now.”

Zuckerberg says Facebook plans to expand BurnerMap to other festivals around the world.  First up will be The Gathering of the Juggalos in Illinois.  “If there is any group that has a harder time finding each other it’s fans of Insane Clown Posse.”

 
BREAKING NEWS – NEW 2012 BURNING MAN THEME: ‘BURNERS.ME 2.0
MORE DETAILS ON THIS DEVELOPING STORY WILL BE POSTED HERE AS WE GET THEM

Burners.ME 2.0

TenderBurn, SF (CN) – Fertility 2.0 is no more.   In the midst of the 2012 Burning Man Ticket Apocalypse an anonymous source from the upper echelons of The Event North of Reno claims the previously announced theme ‘Fertility 2.0’ has been scraped.

“Unless Fertility means ‘Anger Wrapped in Frustration and Deep Fried in Resentment’, it just doesn’t fly,” stated Dusty Throat from a car park in Antioch where Consumptionblog agreed to meet.  “Instead we at Burning Man HQ feel it is far more fitting that the 2012 theme be ‘Burners.ME 2.0‘. Please don’t take this as us being in any way bitter or fed up with Burners whining and moaning over every goddamned little thing we do or don’t do.   Rather it’s meant to reflect the new online lives we are all living or something.”

I LOVE the new theme!

While the new theme will be a surprise to many Burners, especially the hundreds of thousands of Burning Man Virgins holding tickets, it’s actually a reprise from the Burn of ’79.  Held at Studio 54 in New York City the ‘Burners ME!’ event featured the Burning of a 20 foot Crescent Moon Man holding a spoon.  It was considered one of the worst Burns in the history of the event.

Very Few Remember the Burn of '79

This is a developing news story.  More details here on the dramatic theme U-Turn as they become available.

Watch Out!

Hone Creek, Costa Rica (CN) – The veracity of Consumptionblog’s Investigative Reports are often questioned.  None more so than a story we ran in November of 2011 citing anonymous sources that Burning Man was going to adopt an NFL style draft system to distribute tickets.  Consider the draft implemented √

Burning Man Adopts NFL Draft for 2012 Ticket Distribution

Posted: November 11, 2011

The 17 members of Burning Man Corp.’s Board of Directors will pick Burner draftees in order of preference until all of the available tickets are distributed.

‘The new NFL Draft ticket distribution modality makes the whole process simpler and based on meritocracy as judged by me and 16 other awesome Burners.” said Board of Director and popular NPR Fresh Air’ hostess Terry Gross.

While old news to us Sy Hersh devotees of deep investigative journalism, this was revealed as FACT late yesterday evening by the good folks in charge of the Event North of Reno.

Ticket Update: Rebuilding Black Rock City 2012

Where Will He Be Drafted?

1. Burning Man organizers and staff will issue tickets to major theme camps and art projects using a process outlined below…

Because we know this number cannot possibly satisfy the entirety of that demand, we will use practical criteria to determine eligibility. These groups will be reviewed for:

  1. History – A camp, project or participatory work must be in our database from past years. (We have ways to track name changes for groups over time.)
  2. Demonstrated Community Benefit – A project has been interactive in a way that has been experienced as meaningful, provides support for Black Rock City’s infrastructure, or provides services for our community. Basically, how the project helps make the community and create its magic.
  3. LNT – A group has demonstrated adherence to and good practices around Leave No Trace and are committed to our community perpetuating the message of LNT.
  4. 10 Principles – A group or project fully embraces the 10 Principles in their entirety.

Check back here regularly @ Consumptionblog for more reality based journalism surrounding Burning Man 2012.

Pershing County Caucus Attendees hold a mini-Burn after the Vote

Gerlach, NV – (CN) Willard Romney, who goes by the Burner name ‘Mitt’ handily swept the three counties that comprise Burning Man in Saturday’s Republican Human Caucus Wash. Pershing, Lyon and Washoe Counties have most of the operational control of the Event North of Reno and all were easily won by Romney.

The vote reflects the deep Mormon roots of Burning Man as well as contentment with the Burner establishment.  Recent 2012 ticket lottery chaos and discontentment had many Burning Man analysts and pundits predicting a win for outsider Ron Paul.  At a campaign stop in Elko a few days before the caucus Paul won large applause promising an ‘Audit the Burn’ bill to be introduced into Congress.

Ron Paul addresses a rally of Burners in Elko, NV

“Burning Man can just print tickets without any accountability and randomly pick winners like its some kind of lottery.  That’s not in the Constitution.  If Audit the Burn passes Congress this will end!.”

Messages left at Burning Man HQ in Gerlach for comment were not returned.