Posts Tagged ‘Burning Man 2012’

Dear Burning Man,

When I saw the news flash of a meteorite hitting Russia today I immediately ascribed it’s origins to Burning Man.  As a long time Burner, how could I not?  For more on this unique event I went to the source,  What I found was a cover up of all evidence the meteorite stirke was caused by the people who run Burning Man. will soon have the full story I am sure.

The Real Burning Man Project?

Instead what I found was a recent posting on the 2012 Burning Man Census helpfully entitled:  BRC Census: Were You Counted? Did You Count? Can You Count?  And it dawned on me.  My camp, the eternal Bumblepuss, is Burning Man.

Just look at these numbers and tell me I’m wrong:

Under 20 years: 4% (1% – 7%)
20 – 40 years: 71% (65% – 77%)
Over 40 years: 24% (19% – 29%)
Average age: 34 (33 – 36)

Female: 38% (32% – 44%)
Male: 60% (56% – 65%)
Both/neither/fluid: 1.5% (< 1% – 3%)

Percent of population who are at Burning Man for the FIRST TIME
39%* (32% – 45%)

Burning Man: 60% (55% – 64%)
friend: 27% (25% – 28%)
stranger: 6% (2% – 11%)
third party reseller: 3.3% (2.6% – 4.1%)

More than face value: 6% (4% – 7%)
Face value: 74% (72% – 75%)
Less than face value: 8% (5% – 11%)
Gift: 5% (3% – 7%)

Percent of eligible voters who VOTED in at least one of the last four federal US elections
83% (80% – 87%)

Political party affiliation among eligible voters
Democratic: 34% (30% – 38%)
None: 33% (26% – 40%)
Republican: 24% (18% – 29%)
Other: 3.5% (2% – 5%)
Green: 1.5% (< 1% – 2.2%)

Percent of the population for whom English is their first language
86% (81% – 90%)

Percent of population who reside in the US
76% (59% – 93%)

Except the fact that Bumblers are all hedonistic consequentialists practicing radical anarcho-syndicalism in all aspects in our lives and thus uniformly vote Republican, sans two wild and wooly Kantian Canadians, you basically nailed the nail on the head with the Burning Hammer of Truth.

Because of this radical self expression of group similarity between Bumblepuss and Burning Man I suggest that in 2013 you simply take a census at Bumblepuss.  This would save the time and money of the BMorg and perhaps lower the ticket prices by .25¢.  Volunteers could be used for other purposes such as staying in Reno and preparing the Grand Sierra Resort for the after party.   Finally, those concerned with the relentless measurement-ization of Burning Man would have their worse Orwellian fears simultaneously assuaged and inflamed.

We at Bumblepuss after a long days work helping naked people into the Steambath Project puff our chests out, put our hands up and say,

“Count Us, Burning Man; for We, Bumblepuss, are Burning Man!”

6:30 and Something, maybe D, sorta near Nectar Village, NV (CN)  – I found this headlamp at the Burn.  Is it yours? Sorry I took so long.

Yours? Really?

Yours? Really?

Decompression was really tough and if I’m honest, I kinda like using it.

I think it’s a BlackDiamond.  It was Tuesday after the Burn, it was in a bag on an abandoned bike on 6:30 and something, maybe D, sorta near Nectar Village.  It was extremely dusty.  From the location I found this headlamp I could see a Budget rental truck, a couple tents and the flags from the top of Center Camp.


Do you use Duracell? Then this might be yours.

Perhaps the biggest identifying element on it is the Duracell batteries.  They still power the headlamp.

From the Playa to the Galaxy

From the Playa to the Galaxy

If you believe this to be your headlamp, please submit a story how you lost it in the comments section below and then mail a blood, hair and stool sample plus $125 cash for testing to the Hotel Galaxy in Changuinola, Panama, Bocas Del Toro, Avenida 17 de Abril c/o ‘Gringo’s Lost Headlamp’ where it currently provides light during occasional power outages.   The headlamps rightful owner, once identified, will arrange to meet me at Burning Man 2013, Cargo Cult in Nevada, somewhere around 6:30 and something, sorta near Nectar Village.

Thank you.

Black Rock City – Stick a fork in their bloated Adidas visored corpse.  Ravers at Burning Man are done.  After many years of Raver dominance over the hippies at Burning Man, hippies may be sitting in the cultural throne for many years to come.

Your time is done.

For years hippies at Burning Man were relegated to second class citizens.  Their drum circles were drown out by blissful anthem trance and hypnotic progressive house; they were relegated to slouching around Human Carcass Wash and HeeBeeGeeBee Healers.  In a sign of how fast things change, it was only 2011 when hippies took over the mantle of dominant subculture at Burning Man.

The soon to be ineffectual World Hippie Council released a short, celebratory statement to the media:

 “This year us hippies demonstrated that the future is a moccasin stomping on a rolling ravers face – forever.  No judgement.”

That’s right – we’re number one!

At a meeting to sign a formal treaty of surrender in the parking lot of a Beats Antique show in Omaha, Raver kingpin Syd Gris announced long time raver palace ‘Opulent Temple’ was closing up shop. “Ravers are no longer ‘Children of the Night’, said Syd in the post surrender ceremony press conference.  “Most ravers are now  parents who occasionally do a bump of blow in some suburban breakfast nook listening to a scratchy Goldie album in jittery nostalgia between over anxious texts with the babysitter.”

“All that Calvin Klein and shitty pressed pills finally caught up with us.” – Josh Wink

Double Stacked!

Analysts say Hippies had several demographic, economic and cultural trends going for them.  The 2012 apocalypse popularity was always going to favor the hippies.  And once hippies accepted bass music and dubstep into their ouvre the ravers days were numbered.

“The coveted 18-25 demographic swung almost over night to the Hippies once Bassnectar got hot.” – Gallup Research

Longtime Hippie Burner Dusty Lentil said on his tumblr blog ‘Boulder is Awesome, Man’: “Ravers and their googley eyes can talk about PLUR all they want but ravers = conspicuous consumption capitalists – that worked great in the boom years. Thankfully for us the economy collapsed.  Ever since 2007 it got a lot easier to get a girl into bed talking shit about ‘the man’ around a campfire beating on a drum, rolling a cigarette.”

Some Ravers hold out hope of a revival a few years down the road.  Found on one electronic dance music forum an anonymous poster said, “Ravers will be back at Burning Man.  Morning trance will never be defeated.  At least we still have Ricardo Villalobos and Kompakt – thank fuck for Germany.”

Facebook Buttons Image 3721  Burner Map

In a move to apparently become the next Myspace, Facebook is acquiring yet another social networking site with a loyal following. It was announced today that the internet giant is buying BurnerMap. The app, described on AngelList as “Google Maps for Sparkle Ponies,” currently helps about half of all Burning Man attendees find where their friends are camping.

BurnerMap nemesis Crankydust, founder of the Association of Burners for Burning Burner Map (ABBBM) was mildly disappointed with the purchase. “Decomidi-fuckin-fication folks!  What’s next? An ad shoot for Krug?  Coffee sales in center camp?  No sex allowed in tents!? Some flaming pumpkin seed monster/lemonade stand “art piece”? This event has gone to hell!”

Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg explained the reasons behind the acquisition.  “On their website they call Facebook ‘The Zuckerborg’  with a funny picture of me as a Borg.  It makes me chuckle every time.  Plus, it was only a billion dollars. I figured, why not? I dropped that on a game of mini-golf over the weekend.”

It’s rumored Facebook payed somewhere east southeast of $1 billion.  That’s “b” as in “billion.”

The four founders of the app Morgasm, Little Spoon, Brandl and T. Dazzl were surprisingly calm.

“Last night I had $134.36 in my checking account.  I wake up and there is $250 million.  I still can’t take more than $300 cash out of an ATM, what the fuck?!” said Little Spoon.

Little Spoon

Brandl, found frantically looking for that round double valve flanged piece of pvc pipe for the flaming pumpkin seed monster/lemonade stand (you know the one) in a Lowes in Fernley, NV screamed, “I’ll give you a million dollars if you help me find the damn thing . . . and some oven paint. No really, a million dollars. Yeah, I’m talking to you, Mr. Press Release Writer. Make yourself useful!”

T. Dazzl was found on a private jet in Reno applying 14k Gold glitter on the faces of people in his entourage. “We started BurnerMap to help people find their friends.  Now I’m rich, biatch!   Lets celebrate with a karaoke orgy. No, not the one we are having right now.”

Zuckerberg says Facebook plans to expand BurnerMap to other festivals around the world.  First up will be The Gathering of the Juggalos in Illinois.  “If there is any group that has a harder time finding each other it’s fans of Insane Clown Posse.”


Burners.ME 2.0

TenderBurn, SF (CN) – Fertility 2.0 is no more.   In the midst of the 2012 Burning Man Ticket Apocalypse an anonymous source from the upper echelons of The Event North of Reno claims the previously announced theme ‘Fertility 2.0’ has been scraped.

“Unless Fertility means ‘Anger Wrapped in Frustration and Deep Fried in Resentment’, it just doesn’t fly,” stated Dusty Throat from a car park in Antioch where Consumptionblog agreed to meet.  “Instead we at Burning Man HQ feel it is far more fitting that the 2012 theme be ‘Burners.ME 2.0‘. Please don’t take this as us being in any way bitter or fed up with Burners whining and moaning over every goddamned little thing we do or don’t do.   Rather it’s meant to reflect the new online lives we are all living or something.”

I LOVE the new theme!

While the new theme will be a surprise to many Burners, especially the hundreds of thousands of Burning Man Virgins holding tickets, it’s actually a reprise from the Burn of ’79.  Held at Studio 54 in New York City the ‘Burners ME!’ event featured the Burning of a 20 foot Crescent Moon Man holding a spoon.  It was considered one of the worst Burns in the history of the event.

Very Few Remember the Burn of '79

This is a developing news story.  More details here on the dramatic theme U-Turn as they become available.

Watch Out!

Hone Creek, Costa Rica (CN) – The veracity of Consumptionblog’s Investigative Reports are often questioned.  None more so than a story we ran in November of 2011 citing anonymous sources that Burning Man was going to adopt an NFL style draft system to distribute tickets.  Consider the draft implemented √

Burning Man Adopts NFL Draft for 2012 Ticket Distribution

Posted: November 11, 2011

The 17 members of Burning Man Corp.’s Board of Directors will pick Burner draftees in order of preference until all of the available tickets are distributed.

‘The new NFL Draft ticket distribution modality makes the whole process simpler and based on meritocracy as judged by me and 16 other awesome Burners.” said Board of Director and popular NPR Fresh Air’ hostess Terry Gross.

While old news to us Sy Hersh devotees of deep investigative journalism, this was revealed as FACT late yesterday evening by the good folks in charge of the Event North of Reno.

Ticket Update: Rebuilding Black Rock City 2012

Where Will He Be Drafted?

1. Burning Man organizers and staff will issue tickets to major theme camps and art projects using a process outlined below…

Because we know this number cannot possibly satisfy the entirety of that demand, we will use practical criteria to determine eligibility. These groups will be reviewed for:

  1. History – A camp, project or participatory work must be in our database from past years. (We have ways to track name changes for groups over time.)
  2. Demonstrated Community Benefit – A project has been interactive in a way that has been experienced as meaningful, provides support for Black Rock City’s infrastructure, or provides services for our community. Basically, how the project helps make the community and create its magic.
  3. LNT – A group has demonstrated adherence to and good practices around Leave No Trace and are committed to our community perpetuating the message of LNT.
  4. 10 Principles – A group or project fully embraces the 10 Principles in their entirety.

Check back here regularly @ Consumptionblog for more reality based journalism surrounding Burning Man 2012.

Pershing County Caucus Attendees hold a mini-Burn after the Vote

Gerlach, NV – (CN) Willard Romney, who goes by the Burner name ‘Mitt’ handily swept the three counties that comprise Burning Man in Saturday’s Republican Human Caucus Wash. Pershing, Lyon and Washoe Counties have most of the operational control of the Event North of Reno and all were easily won by Romney.

The vote reflects the deep Mormon roots of Burning Man as well as contentment with the Burner establishment.  Recent 2012 ticket lottery chaos and discontentment had many Burning Man analysts and pundits predicting a win for outsider Ron Paul.  At a campaign stop in Elko a few days before the caucus Paul won large applause promising an ‘Audit the Burn’ bill to be introduced into Congress.

Ron Paul addresses a rally of Burners in Elko, NV

“Burning Man can just print tickets without any accountability and randomly pick winners like its some kind of lottery.  That’s not in the Constitution.  If Audit the Burn passes Congress this will end!.”

Messages left at Burning Man HQ in Gerlach for comment were not returned.

San Francisco, CA (CN)  Burning Man announced last week that ‘Fertility 2.0‘ would be the theme for the 2012 Burn.  The theme was announced much later than past years.   This delay lead many to speculate that multiple themes could have made the cut.  ConsumptionBlog talked with a Burning Man insider about six other themes that received serious consideration this year.

  • Wild West – (with Wild Horses replacing of humans in DPW this year it seemed like a natural fit)
  • Bromance (that’s the default theme every year)
  • Green Man 2.0 (minus all that environmental shit)
  • The End (redundant)
  • Cous Cous and Zipties (all you need for a good Burn)
  • BurningMan 2.0 sponsored by the Grand Sierra Resort ® (showers!)
  • Zusammensindwiralleglücklich Festival (’nuff said)

Consumptionblog now asked you the reader your thoughts. 

If you had your druthers what theme would you burden the ‘Event North of Reno’ with in 2012?

Please your responses in the comments section or somewhere else…

Not So Fast, 2012 Burners!

Gerlach, NV (CN) – The organization that runs The Event North of Reno (TENR Corp.) has revealed that the new ticket scheme in place for Burning Man 2012 – the so-called ‘Ticket Lottery of Destiny’ (TLOD) is being threaten by Burners procreating and having a sense of community.

Hundreds of thousands of people have registered for the 1st round of tickets under the new scheme, modeled on the NFL draft.  Only 40,000 will be drafted this week meaning many Burners will not get tickets. Many tickets will now be threatened with entering the secondary market via scalpers, StubHub and other barely legal resale parasites.

Caught unaware of Burners proclivity towards creativity and organization, event spokesperson Will Chase lamented in a recent blog post, “Turns out, people are VERY EAGER to go to Burning Man this year.”  Pausing to look out the Burning Man office window at the gathering crowd of angry Burners, “So much so, in fact, that they found creative ways to increase their odds of getting tickets in the Main Sale.  It seems that people likely got their friends, family and campmates to order tickets as well.”

Thousands of regrettable children and embarrassing in-laws have been created since the early 90s when Burning Man really got its mojo and ‘Fertility 1.0’ started in earnest.  Many of those playa love children are now old enough to own credit cards and have reserved two tickets in their name after their Burner parents requested it.

'Whoever Reserved a Ticket for your Parents Touch Your Toes'

Dusty Lentil, who has organized the hippie Counter-Raveformation revival at Burning Man in past years says many in his hippie cohort learned the tactic as a way of securing tickets to Phish.  “Dude when Phish did four nights at Red Rock back in ’09 they had a similar ticketing system.  I made sure even my great Aunt Vera put her name in for two tickets.  Man, that show, they opened up with ‘Divided Sky’ and…”

19 years old Fire Williams was reached by phone while he campaigned for Newt Gingrich in Florida. He reserved two tickets even though he has no intention of attending the event.  Conceived at the Burn of ’92 Fire has not been back.

“My parents are divorced, but they still go to the Burn every year.  My mom camps with ‘Kostume Kult’ and my Dad, ‘Comfort and Joy’.  Signing up for tickets for them is an easy way to show I still care even though I still spend most my time trying to royally piss them off.”

The Burn is Fucked!

Experts predict the ticket situation will only worsen in future Burns as the newly announced theme for 2012, ‘Fertility 2.0‘, spawns thousands of acts of unprotected, baby-making, ticket holding playa loving’.

The following bit of poorly written and crude Burning Man satire is in advocacy for  Wild Horses and Renegades and Protect Mustangs in their campaign to stop the round up of Wild Horses in the Gerlach area and all BLM landGet Informed and Spread the Word.

You're 2012 DPW Crew

Gerlach, NV (CN) – We now have it straight from the horses mouth.  As announced earlier starting in 2012 Wild Horses will replace all human DPW staff. Burning Man Board member Ruud Van Nistelrooy went on record today confirming what had been rumored for weeks in the Burnersphere.

Straight from the Dutch Horse's Mouth

The equus based move is likely to be seen as only slightly less controversial than the move to a NFL Draft style lottery to distribute tickets.

Factors for the move were multiple and various.  A leaked memo from a Burning Man Corp Board meeting outlined some of the reasons it was replacing DPW humans with wild horses.

*Reasons 1 through 5 – Sanitation: Wild Horses shit a lot less in the middle of the street.

A few less important considerations:

*Drugs: Methamphetamine use is dramatically lower among the Wild Horse Community.  Some wild horses that escape from Horse Racing are known to foster vicious lasix and ketamine addictions, but they are thought to be few and far between.

* Environmental: Wild Horses in the Gerlach area are threatened with being rounded up to make way for mining concerns.  Employing them in DPW would keep them in the area and allow them to fight the bad mining companies.

*Financial: Wild Horses are simply cheaper to employ than DPW.  No HR, No Workman’s Comp.  No Punching out Sheriffs Deputies in Gerlach.  Like a vegan theme camp all they require is a lot of water, carrots and oats.

*Revenge: Burning Man Corp. has wanted to put Bruno’s Country Club out of business for years.

Revenge, like Bruno's Beer is Best Served Luke Warm

*2012 Theme ‘Wild West‘: After it was announced last week to little fanfare Burning Man Corp. Board believed the theme needed a little ‘giddy up’.   Wild horses were though the best way for ‘Wild West’ to earn it’s spurs.

*Violence:  Thunderdome has been a damp squib on the ass of Burning Man’s pugilistic endeavors for some time now.  Getting some Wild Horses drunk on PBR and Jamesons and putting them in the dome will help re-capture the DeathGuild Magic.

8 Hooves Will Enter, 4 Will Leave

*Marketing:  Mick Jagger Burner and Rolling Stones front man will sing an A Capella version of ‘Wild Horses’  on Saturday Night before the Man Burns as part of a new Budweiser ad campaign.  The revenues will keep ticket prices from growing more than 20%.

*Envy:  The Trojan Horse was fucking bad assed.

Yeah, I'm all that and a Bag of Oats

* Sparkle Ponies need all the help they can get.

'You forgot your water? That's ok, you look Fabulous!

Re-action to the News by Burners was generally positive.

The always popular camp ‘Pancake Playhouse‘ SpokesDiva Kat DeBurgh told Consumptionblog, “Pancake Playhouse will not be veering from our time-honored Krusteaz-mix-plus-water approach to making pancakes, but I can promise that anyone who brings their own plate to our kitchen can have as much maple syrup as they can pump, regardless of species.” Kat paused to breathe in a particularly electrifying libretto in The Marriage of Figaro before continuing, “Opposable thumbs are not required (though they may be helpful). As is our tradition each year, our White Trash Friday pancakes will feature Pabst Blue Ribbon in the batter – a taste we think will satisfy both you AND the horse you rode in on! We are, as always, happy to take soft rock requests from our guests but I must warn you that we will play “Horse With No Name” no more than twice each morning.”

Another Burner who asked we use only his first name ‘Syd’ is connected with one of the major soundcamps at BurningMan.  ‘Syd’ was mystified with what genre of electronic dance music the more rave inclined equine DPWers will like.  “I don’t like to self promote but will I be opening for Armin van Burin or some dubstep act?  But really I just want to know.”

“Do horses like Dubstep?

HeeBeeGeeBee Healers is already working on ways to make sure a few of the massage tables can accommodate the larger new DPW staff.  HBGB Healers Head Honcho Scooter told Consumptionblog, “Horses tend to gravitate towards Thai massage which is done on the ground but we’ll have a couple tables set up for them so the Deep Tissue and Rolfer folks can get in there deep.”

The gay Burner community is already having heated discussions about whether ‘Barebacking’ would come back in vogue.

At press time no anthropocentric former DPWer would go on record with Consumptionblog.  We are working on an exclusive interview which should appear soon.

The City of Oakland quietly announced it would be beefing up it’s police presence during the Burn to prevent drunk, menacing, out of not really getting payed work DPWers from rampaging through Temescal.

Many problems and questions remain unanswered this far away from the 2012 Burn, but insiders within BurningMan Corp told us not to put the cart before the DPW.

More as this story develops.