Posts Tagged ‘DPW’

The following bit of poorly written and crude Burning Man satire is in advocacy for  Wild Horses and Renegades and Protect Mustangs in their campaign to stop the round up of Wild Horses in the Gerlach area and all BLM landGet Informed and Spread the Word.

You're 2012 DPW Crew

Gerlach, NV (CN) – We now have it straight from the horses mouth.  As announced earlier starting in 2012 Wild Horses will replace all human DPW staff. Burning Man Board member Ruud Van Nistelrooy went on record today confirming what had been rumored for weeks in the Burnersphere.

Straight from the Dutch Horse's Mouth

The equus based move is likely to be seen as only slightly less controversial than the move to a NFL Draft style lottery to distribute tickets.

Factors for the move were multiple and various.  A leaked memo from a Burning Man Corp Board meeting outlined some of the reasons it was replacing DPW humans with wild horses.

*Reasons 1 through 5 – Sanitation: Wild Horses shit a lot less in the middle of the street.

A few less important considerations:

*Drugs: Methamphetamine use is dramatically lower among the Wild Horse Community.  Some wild horses that escape from Horse Racing are known to foster vicious lasix and ketamine addictions, but they are thought to be few and far between.

* Environmental: Wild Horses in the Gerlach area are threatened with being rounded up to make way for mining concerns.  Employing them in DPW would keep them in the area and allow them to fight the bad mining companies.

*Financial: Wild Horses are simply cheaper to employ than DPW.  No HR, No Workman’s Comp.  No Punching out Sheriffs Deputies in Gerlach.  Like a vegan theme camp all they require is a lot of water, carrots and oats.

*Revenge: Burning Man Corp. has wanted to put Bruno’s Country Club out of business for years.

Revenge, like Bruno's Beer is Best Served Luke Warm

*2012 Theme ‘Wild West‘: After it was announced last week to little fanfare Burning Man Corp. Board believed the theme needed a little ‘giddy up’.   Wild horses were though the best way for ‘Wild West’ to earn it’s spurs.

*Violence:  Thunderdome has been a damp squib on the ass of Burning Man’s pugilistic endeavors for some time now.  Getting some Wild Horses drunk on PBR and Jamesons and putting them in the dome will help re-capture the DeathGuild Magic.

8 Hooves Will Enter, 4 Will Leave

*Marketing:  Mick Jagger Burner and Rolling Stones front man will sing an A Capella version of ‘Wild Horses’  on Saturday Night before the Man Burns as part of a new Budweiser ad campaign.  The revenues will keep ticket prices from growing more than 20%.

*Envy:  The Trojan Horse was fucking bad assed.

Yeah, I'm all that and a Bag of Oats

* Sparkle Ponies need all the help they can get.

'You forgot your water? That's ok, you look Fabulous!

Re-action to the News by Burners was generally positive.

The always popular camp ‘Pancake Playhouse‘ SpokesDiva Kat DeBurgh told Consumptionblog, “Pancake Playhouse will not be veering from our time-honored Krusteaz-mix-plus-water approach to making pancakes, but I can promise that anyone who brings their own plate to our kitchen can have as much maple syrup as they can pump, regardless of species.” Kat paused to breathe in a particularly electrifying libretto in The Marriage of Figaro before continuing, “Opposable thumbs are not required (though they may be helpful). As is our tradition each year, our White Trash Friday pancakes will feature Pabst Blue Ribbon in the batter – a taste we think will satisfy both you AND the horse you rode in on! We are, as always, happy to take soft rock requests from our guests but I must warn you that we will play “Horse With No Name” no more than twice each morning.”

Another Burner who asked we use only his first name ‘Syd’ is connected with one of the major soundcamps at BurningMan.  ‘Syd’ was mystified with what genre of electronic dance music the more rave inclined equine DPWers will like.  “I don’t like to self promote but will I be opening for Armin van Burin or some dubstep act?  But really I just want to know.”

“Do horses like Dubstep?

HeeBeeGeeBee Healers is already working on ways to make sure a few of the massage tables can accommodate the larger new DPW staff.  HBGB Healers Head Honcho Scooter told Consumptionblog, “Horses tend to gravitate towards Thai massage which is done on the ground but we’ll have a couple tables set up for them so the Deep Tissue and Rolfer folks can get in there deep.”

The gay Burner community is already having heated discussions about whether ‘Barebacking’ would come back in vogue.

At press time no anthropocentric former DPWer would go on record with Consumptionblog.  We are working on an exclusive interview which should appear soon.

The City of Oakland quietly announced it would be beefing up it’s police presence during the Burn to prevent drunk, menacing, out of not really getting payed work DPWers from rampaging through Temescal.

Many problems and questions remain unanswered this far away from the 2012 Burn, but insiders within BurningMan Corp told us not to put the cart before the DPW.

More as this story develops.

Editors Note: ‘A Brief History of Burning Man’  is a short historical novella that will be published on this site in serial form over the next several weeks leading up to the Burn of 2011.

Introduction by The Cubitron

Up and down.  Sideways. Left to Right then cascade like Atari’s logo motherfuckers.   Now real fast Diagonal.  Up again. Then over. Then back to the center then DOUBLE DIAGONAL! One in purple changing to white the other red turning into wait for it, wait for it OMG OMG Orange!  Such a lovely orange.  No breaks for you – I keep going all night.  256 color VGA monitor colors zooming all over as you lay on the ground next to your friends and hopeful lays – pupils dilated like it’s 1999 and DanceSafe just turned your pill black.  You don’t mind laying on your back on the hard cold playa looking up all in my admittedly colorful junk? That’s cool.  All I ask is that those hippies stop beating their drums for just like 10 minutes man- drink some water man – talk about it, drink some more water, eat some of that cous cous in your Camelback – plus your drumming is getting all wiped out by those Electro Techno Disco beats flying out those big speakers attached to the Unimog. Drums beat in mass usually the center of aural attention at most events but not here – relegated as a distance thudding though only 30 feet over to the right where you think you left your bike.

Some people tell me stories as they lay under me.  This one fellow told me fantastical stories of BurningMan past.  Of recent excavations of Stonehenge where they found a dusty black vest with a spoon on the back of it in primitive el-wire – the first Burn he postulated and I believe quite rightly as I was there dazzling druids from way up in the sky with northern lights brought south for the solstice and Labor Day celebrations.  Dirty Druids and their drums.  He rambled on about war criminals, DPW, Peter Seeger fans and black bears until the sun started to come up and he remembered he had to cook breakfast for a lot of people. He stayed a little longer to tell the tale of the chicken korma made in a dust storm that fed hundreds even though it was only made for 60. The night turned to dawn quickly and thanking me for listening he got up – dusted off his back and we exchanged e-mails.  That’s how he got a hold of me to write this introduction which I was happy to do as I have a lot of down time here in Tahoe.

Enjoy the tales he told me and make those recipes, something I am unable to do, most involve bacon so it has to be good.  All were made in ad hoc fly by night desert kitchens often after nights and days of courageous amounts partying so it can’t be that hard on your playa dust free kitchen with your clean dishes.


Yours Lovingly,
The Cubitron