The following truth falls like pearls from the lips and gilded onyx keyboard of Clear, a man who has many roles in Bumblepuss – High Holiest Highest Priest of Goat Slapping being first and foremost – bringer of many vibrant people to Bumble – massage artist – DPW representative and soon he’ll be cracking your ribcage open and massaging your heart as he undertakes an online course in cardiac surgery.
Please retain this for the records:
The Alternate Unabridged Version of Our people, where Burning Man Originated
and how to roast an apple without getting your feet burned.
The night was one of the full eclipsed moon circa 2539 BC when the idea first hit our historical godfather’s ancestor le Gizzle del Pete…who was a dope gangsta style version of your classic Roman emperor, and the chief of the nomadic goat herding tribe the ~Umbfus’ious of Nec’ar V”lleege. It was an ancient people who’s history could go back farther, but to what end, for Gizzle was the dopest chief off that ever made history.
His father’s ancestor, it is said, was the guide to Moses. It is saidith and so it is written that the great P-Gizzle was the first of know man to step foot on the desert and piss clear. From here, people reared him as a savior. How could any man in a desert be hydrated they wondered. The Gizzle said, I am the savior and leader and one day I will bring great peace to this desert. I will lead a revolution of sorts and invention of sorts that will be the basis that saves humanity, the basis that allows humanity to evolve to the next level, conquer other planets, to go where no goat has ever gone before.
P-Gizzle roamed the lands on a vision quest, but before he left, he taught his people to cook a reguvination apple:
- 1 Apple
- Spirulina & Maca (or earth blend)
- 1 Black handled mini knife/toothpick
- Core Apple
- (leaving the bottom fully intact so as to act a cup for the honey)
- Heat Apple
- Poke holes into apple from core towards skin (do not puncture skin)
- Pour in Spirulina and Maca and Honey
- Let sit overnight Eat Naked next day Steam Bath Project Massage Sit in sun/kitchen with other Bumblers Feel reguvinated
As time would have it, the Gizzle had been gone for what seemed centuries. Later we find out he met up with a homey named Jebus in the wilderness and granted him three wishes….long story. Nonetheless, Gizzle returned home and the people were joyous, but upset they had lost their leader for so long. They found he had returned with a man named Jebus. They blamed this man for his having had taken away their leader. Lies, said Gizzle, but nobody listened. They burned Jebus. It was…
The First Burning Man.
Later that night….they realized their wrong doing and built a temple in
Gizzle said, “We shall burn this temple too for our mistake hath written
history wrong! And I shallf forever be known as Jebus the savior, for I will
return to the towns as he, and all the lands will know not that which has
been mistaken here. And as I am gone you will make this spot your camp
forever and ever and ever forever.”
They made camp upon the spot and raised an apple each to their leader.
That very night the first goat was slapped as Jebus, the leader, left. It was his famous last words in which we recall today, “From henthforth hitherto ye shall never again have a leader. For ye all will lead when leading and lead not when not leading. You will be the last and only tribe upon this planet of which will know the ways of the way. You shall be aware that you will go into history, isolated in this desert as the only leaderless group ever and forever ever forever. Ye shall know and remember, that to lead is the false way of phophets and to slap is the true belief in self, humanity and the way.” (Word for word as recorded by Broseephious the Righter in the year of Broseephious 1298 DB as in During Broseephious, which we are not sure what correlation it has to any other calender as he did not record anything else and lived isolated with the rest of the tribe from the rest of the world thereafter the recorded history.
Years later archeologists believe they have found the remains of this first tribe with their only weapon, device or food preparation tool in the Black Rock Desert where it is believed they lived during those times of old. It is also believed they fashioned thier tiny knives and picks with the bone of goat, which is long gone and the handle yet still remain, of rock. Today you find this rock between itself and the soft place we call playa.
It’s believed the camp Bumblepuss of Nectar Village and their holy Godfather T-Dizzle fled the desert in 1980 PDB as in Post During Brospephious when word came that a new people were to colonize the land, and they had a leader named Larry. The people of Bumble decided it was time to let the world come to them and they did. They opened up to a new way, they acted as if they’d never been to the desert and let the newbies believe it was a “discovery!” They populated the desert with these new peoples as one of them. They even opened their own camp to particiapte in the goings ons with them.
It’s said when someone comes around Bumblepuss and asks, “Who’s in charge?” The best answer is “I am.” Cause they don’t want anyone to know they, we, who we really are. And Jebus forbid, the Burners of today start coming to the Bumblepuss asking, how do we live a utopian society like you have? How did you figure it out in just the few short years since we’ve all been coming to the desert? How come our camp has leaders and assistants and people in charge of this and work hours and shifts, and still nothing gets done, and still there are fights and dramas? How is it your people has not a single list or leader and all is done and not a drama is in the air?
The Bumblers are said to usually direct the questions to the Goat…
And so it is said, and so it is written.