Posts Tagged ‘Unimog’

A Brief History of Burning Man: The Cubitron

Posted: August 8, 2011 in BurningMan, History, Satire
Tags: , , , , , , ,
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Editors Note: ‘A Brief History of Burning Man’  is a short historical novella that will be published on this site in serial form over the next several weeks leading up to the Burn of 2011.

Introduction by The Cubitron

Up and down.  Sideways. Left to Right then cascade like Atari’s logo motherfuckers.   Now real fast Diagonal.  Up again. Then over. Then back to the center then DOUBLE DIAGONAL! One in purple changing to white the other red turning into wait for it, wait for it OMG OMG Orange!  Such a lovely orange.  No breaks for you – I keep going all night.  256 color VGA monitor colors zooming all over as you lay on the ground next to your friends and hopeful lays – pupils dilated like it’s 1999 and DanceSafe just turned your pill black.  You don’t mind laying on your back on the hard cold playa looking up all in my admittedly colorful junk? That’s cool.  All I ask is that those hippies stop beating their drums for just like 10 minutes man- drink some water man – talk about it, drink some more water, eat some of that cous cous in your Camelback – plus your drumming is getting all wiped out by those Electro Techno Disco beats flying out those big speakers attached to the Unimog. Drums beat in mass usually the center of aural attention at most events but not here – relegated as a distance thudding though only 30 feet over to the right where you think you left your bike.

Some people tell me stories as they lay under me.  This one fellow told me fantastical stories of BurningMan past.  Of recent excavations of Stonehenge where they found a dusty black vest with a spoon on the back of it in primitive el-wire – the first Burn he postulated and I believe quite rightly as I was there dazzling druids from way up in the sky with northern lights brought south for the solstice and Labor Day celebrations.  Dirty Druids and their drums.  He rambled on about war criminals, DPW, Peter Seeger fans and black bears until the sun started to come up and he remembered he had to cook breakfast for a lot of people. He stayed a little longer to tell the tale of the chicken korma made in a dust storm that fed hundreds even though it was only made for 60. The night turned to dawn quickly and thanking me for listening he got up – dusted off his back and we exchanged e-mails.  That’s how he got a hold of me to write this introduction which I was happy to do as I have a lot of down time here in Tahoe.

Enjoy the tales he told me and make those recipes, something I am unable to do, most involve bacon so it has to be good.  All were made in ad hoc fly by night desert kitchens often after nights and days of courageous amounts partying so it can’t be that hard on your playa dust free kitchen with your clean dishes.

Enjoy!

Yours Lovingly,
The Cubitron


Demand More Trance at Burning Man

Posted: July 16, 2011 in BurningMan, Satire
Tags: , , , , , , , ,
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Update: Many DJ’s are in danger of not getting into Burning Man because they do not have tickets.  This is like going into a K-Hole in the Happy Hardcore Room.  Yes, its that serious.  Read below how you can help change this.

Burning Man has a long and glorious history of participant driven art, music, healing and humor. To lend ahelping hand to this participant driven event Burning Man Corp. simply provides the infrastructure, cheap coffee, wonderfully cold ice, art grants, builds the Man, controls the media, tells you where your theme camp will be, deals with the default world government, sells the tickets, fire control, creates Center Camp and a few hundred other foundational tasks. So one must be careful when asking Burning Man Corp. to take on another layer of responsibility.

But when we have a true, documented ‘market failure’ over several Burns where participants fail to create stuff that is in their obvious self interest I think it is in everyone’s interest that the government, in this case Burning Man Corp. step in and take over.

What’s the howling need not being addressed by Burning Man participants?

Not nearly enough Trance.*

It used to be everywhere on the playa – now maybe a 2 hour set by a lonely Dutch super star is all you get from Opulent Temple.

*And NO! Psytrance most certainly doesn’t count.

Not at All.

We need more Trance.  Preferably Anthem Trance. The only way it can be said simpler is with a 125-150 bpm 32 beat phase.

 Burning Man is the hegemonic fist of history that will bring it to us.

Our Trance-y Demands:

NEW Uplifting Demand:  All Anthem Trance DJs without a ticket be provided one by Burning Man Corp.

1) All sound camps must have one DJ headline with ‘van’ in his surname – yes – that includes you Nexus or should we say ‘van Nexus’.
2) The Unimog and all Art Cars with large sound systems must play at least 25% Trance or be banned by the DMV.
3) Trance Trance Revolution will be given the key corner spot at 10 or 2 o’clock.
4) The Man’s face will be made to resemble Tiesto.
5) A 10% tithe of all revenue generated from BurningMan will be donated to the 501©3 non-profit Trance Development Corporation which helps bring Trance into the schools of the most Trance deprived areas around the globe from the Bronx to Buenos Aires. Sorry Frankie Knuckles & Hernán Cattáneo you don’t count.

Fill out the below petition to demand Burning Man to do what is right in the name of Trance: