Posts Tagged ‘Ron Paul’

American Redoubt, ID (CN) – The US economy grew by 1.9% in the 1st quarter of 2012, saving it from the double dip recession currently bumming out big chucks of Europe.  Economists have pointed to ‘Preppers’ as the reason the US economy did not double dip the depression chocolate in the recessionary peanut butter.

TEOTWAWKI? Bring It On!

Preppers are Americans who try to bring maximum excitement to their dull, pointless existence by preparing for the shit to go down big time.  They are known primarily as middle class white consumerists who stockpile huge reserves of food and essential survival equipment like water filters, bug out bags and cool Tumblr pages.

I no survive with no LOLZ katz TUMBLR

For most of American history Preppers were simply called ‘Mormons’ or ‘Survivalists’ and lived well outside mainstream acceptance.   But with the global economy in the global shitter and the rise of Mitt Romney, being a Prepper is down right preppy.

The Television now has 16 reality shows dedicated to all things ‘Prepper’ including:

National G’s DoomsDay Prepper
VH1’s nostalgic Sgt. Preppers Lonely Heart Club Band
Travel Channel almost intelligent Anthony Bourdain’s No Preparation
NBC‘s popular sitcom Prep and Recreation
AMC‘s Madmen
Discovery‘s Doomsday Bunkers
Bravo‘s Queer Eye for the Survivalist Guy
E‘s comedy review show The Freeze Dried Soup
HBO‘s adult themed Gloryhole
Showtime‘s adult themed Idaho-ication
BBC America‘s Top Prep
Univision‘s telenovela Mi Amor, Mi Refugio de Tormenta
MTV‘s Pimp my Pantry
Animal Planet‘s Meet the Preppers
Lifetime‘s new movie: All my Mayan left me was a broken heart and an empty larder
and
Sci-Fi Channel‘s Apocalypse 2235 a.d.

According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics Prepper purchases of peanut butter, Big Berky water filters, totally awesome looking .308 long rifles, orange plastic buckets and other gear deemed essential for survival were responsible for 18% of all US economic activity in the first part of 2012.

Filling the economy full of lead with my trusty .308

Noted Prepper and blogger Stockton Stash told Consumptionblog,  “Me and my family bought 6.9 metric tones of rice so far this year after it looked like Ron Paul might not win the Republican nomination.  If that helps keep the American economy afloat until the Mayans decide to reverse the poles, so be it.”

According to Bearish Futures analyst, Andy Gibbs, “It may have been unintentional but Preppers are a bulwark against the US turning into a PIIGS.  If only the Greeks had begun canning Moussaka by the millions about a decade ago they could have avoided all this.”

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Pyramid Lake, NV (CN) – In perhaps the most eclectic musical act at Symbiosis this year is ‘Paul vs Paul’.  A DJ smackdown of styles that could not contrast more without the magnetic poles reversing.  Like a set featuring Photek vs Goldie – this could be massive so long as no MCs are involved.  It’s recommended the audience listen to this set on a heavy dose of 2C-E seated on the ground while attempting to levitate a copy of Mises ‘Human Action’.

Ron Paul – A mechanic on the decks Paul only spins vinyl; goes heavy on the 808s and loves that soft purrrrrr analog equipment provides.  “You have to use gold connector banana plugs or it just doesn’t sound right,” says Paul.  You’ll never see DJ Paul peeking over a laptop during a live set.   He tends to spin on the edge of mainstream electronic music.  At a live Ron Paul set you’ll likely hear a strange combination of uncomfortable Acid House, Byzantine Belgium 2-Step and Jeff Mills fueled rabbit quick Detroit House ending in mid-90s symphonic, wet DnB reminiscent of Future Loop Foundation.  Somehow he manages to hold it together in a dialectical techno whole.

Paul Krugman – Eschews vinyl in favor of knob twisting.  “This dj runs Abelton live on a Macbook Pro outputting to an Apoge emsemble soundcard with 4 stereo outs from the ensemble to a Pioneer DJM-800 set up,” said DJ Krugman about himself.  “Recently I’ve employed a 16×16 Monome controller and touch screen Lemur thrown in for extra crowd stimulus.”

Krugman revels in bringing the masses through the hills and valleys of symphonic trance in the style of early Italian Mauro Picotto trance and DJ’s with ‘van’ in their name.  Paul also likes to throw in old school sounds from 70s disco with overtones of Andy Gibbs morphed into the modern Nordic welfare state space disco of Prins Thomas & Lindstrøm.

The less groovy Bloomberg Music recently held a preview of what you can expect:

For their Symbiosis performance Ron Paul has stated he will grow a beard and make amends with Julio Iglesias.  For his part Paul Krugman said he will be studying Roman economic policy  and attempting to communicate with the spirit of his last past life as a Long Island fifties house wife hooked on sherry, black beauties and ironing pillowcases.

Pershing County Caucus Attendees hold a mini-Burn after the Vote

Gerlach, NV – (CN) Willard Romney, who goes by the Burner name ‘Mitt’ handily swept the three counties that comprise Burning Man in Saturday’s Republican Human Caucus Wash. Pershing, Lyon and Washoe Counties have most of the operational control of the Event North of Reno and all were easily won by Romney.

The vote reflects the deep Mormon roots of Burning Man as well as contentment with the Burner establishment.  Recent 2012 ticket lottery chaos and discontentment had many Burning Man analysts and pundits predicting a win for outsider Ron Paul.  At a campaign stop in Elko a few days before the caucus Paul won large applause promising an ‘Audit the Burn’ bill to be introduced into Congress.

Ron Paul addresses a rally of Burners in Elko, NV

“Burning Man can just print tickets without any accountability and randomly pick winners like its some kind of lottery.  That’s not in the Constitution.  If Audit the Burn passes Congress this will end!.”

Messages left at Burning Man HQ in Gerlach for comment were not returned.

Bleakhouse, IA (CN) – Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul finished third in last night’s Iowa Caucuses disappointing Mugwumps in their native Dagestan.

“We overestimated the number of Caucasians in Iowa no doubt about it,” said Mugwump leader Andrew Sullivan from his lair in the Dagestan capital of Cape Cod.  “And we really shouldn’t have written those newsletters.  In our defense it was our first foray into politics since 1908 when that shit would have worked.”

Andrew Sullivan Pontificates on Ron Paul

The Mugwumps were bolstered in February of 2011 when they were credited with Ron Paul’s Straw Poll Win at the CPAC Conference.  A recent poll surge by Paul in Iowa led many of them to believed they could bring their success to the American Caucuses.

The American Mugwump Association (AMA) released a terse press release this morning stating:

“We are disappointed in Iowa.  Santorum?  Really?  But we remain hopeful.  There are many Caucasians in New Hampshire and other primary states.  Ron Paul will pull through this.  Watch out for another Moneybomb from us soon.”

The New Hampshire Primary takes place on January 10th.  Paul has a strong base in the state and is expected to show well.

Shortly after his massive victory Sunday in a bell weather poll past and future GOP presidential candidate Ron Paul took a special call from the President of the American Mugwump Society (AMS).

Paul took the poll with 30% of the vote from the thousands of conservative faithful who gather annually at the Conservative Political Action Conference in Wa Wa Wa Washington, DC.  Mitterand ‘Mitt’ Romney representing the French wing of the American conservatives took 23%.

BTSnakedlunch

AMS President Catheter Dave was always confident Paul would win.

 
“Some folks thought those sweet and tender hooligans with Students for Sensible Policy (SSDP) would put Gary Johnson in the lead but that was not to be,” rasped Catheter on the phone from an unknown location in Tangiers.

It is not known how much influence the mysterious Mugwumps have in super hot primary states like Iowa and New Hampshire.  Their picks in the past have been a mixed bag ranging from Grover Cleveland to Senator Hiram Fong.