Posts Tagged ‘2012’

Preppers Accidentally Boost 2012 US Economic Outlook

Posted: June 4, 2012 in 2012, News, Politics, Satire, Silly
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American Redoubt, ID (CN) – The US economy grew by 1.9% in the 1st quarter of 2012, saving it from the double dip recession currently bumming out big chucks of Europe.  Economists have pointed to ‘Preppers’ as the reason the US economy did not double dip the depression chocolate in the recessionary peanut butter.

TEOTWAWKI? Bring It On!

Preppers are Americans who try to bring maximum excitement to their dull, pointless existence by preparing for the shit to go down big time.  They are known primarily as middle class white consumerists who stockpile huge reserves of food and essential survival equipment like water filters, bug out bags and cool Tumblr pages.

I no survive with no LOLZ katz TUMBLR

For most of American history Preppers were simply called ‘Mormons’ or ‘Survivalists’ and lived well outside mainstream acceptance.   But with the global economy in the global shitter and the rise of Mitt Romney, being a Prepper is down right preppy.

The Television now has 16 reality shows dedicated to all things ‘Prepper’ including:

National G’s DoomsDay Prepper
VH1’s nostalgic Sgt. Preppers Lonely Heart Club Band
Travel Channel almost intelligent Anthony Bourdain’s No Preparation
NBC‘s popular sitcom Prep and Recreation
AMC‘s Madmen
Discovery‘s Doomsday Bunkers
Bravo‘s Queer Eye for the Survivalist Guy
E‘s comedy review show The Freeze Dried Soup
HBO‘s adult themed Gloryhole
Showtime‘s adult themed Idaho-ication
BBC America‘s Top Prep
Univision‘s telenovela Mi Amor, Mi Refugio de Tormenta
MTV‘s Pimp my Pantry
Animal Planet‘s Meet the Preppers
Lifetime‘s new movie: All my Mayan left me was a broken heart and an empty larder
and
Sci-Fi Channel‘s Apocalypse 2235 a.d.

According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics Prepper purchases of peanut butter, Big Berky water filters, totally awesome looking .308 long rifles, orange plastic buckets and other gear deemed essential for survival were responsible for 18% of all US economic activity in the first part of 2012.

Filling the economy full of lead with my trusty .308

Noted Prepper and blogger Stockton Stash told Consumptionblog,  “Me and my family bought 6.9 metric tones of rice so far this year after it looked like Ron Paul might not win the Republican nomination.  If that helps keep the American economy afloat until the Mayans decide to reverse the poles, so be it.”

According to Bearish Futures analyst, Andy Gibbs, “It may have been unintentional but Preppers are a bulwark against the US turning into a PIIGS.  If only the Greeks had begun canning Moussaka by the millions about a decade ago they could have avoided all this.”

Symbiosis Gathering Music Preview 03: Tipper

Posted: April 26, 2012 in 2012, Music, Reviews, Symbiosis
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Pyramid Lake, NV (CN) –Tipper decided on his DJ name (born Albert) when he discovered that 12% of electronic music fans like [insert trip, glitch, or hip] hop.

At his best Tipper revs the crowd into a smudged, pointillist ‘Golfer vs Boxer’ froth with the redolent confidence of a well practiced electronic craftsman.  Tipper has been on a good streak of late, be excited.

Tipper has been inspired by Pyramid Lake for many years, incorporating the sacred geography of trippy looking triangles and stuff into his album covers for many years.  Check out his latest 7″ single to hit the charts, a cover of the old Pavement track ‘Puzzle Dust‘

When Tipper performs live expect loud downtempo glitch hop with turntablist gumption.

Check out a great set by Brummie Marc Reck featuring lotsa Tipper tracks from 2010:

Find Tipper here.

Tipper on Soundcloud

Twitter: @tippermusic

Burning Man Announces Strict New Security Measures

Posted: August 9, 2011 in BurningMan, News, Satire
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Empire General Store, NV (CN) – Amid continuing ticket chaos, riots in London and general 2012 End Time related societal breakdown Burning Man Temporal Security Agency (BM TSA) today announced four new enhanced security measures for Burning Man 2011, ‘No Guaranteed Rite of Passage’

The new measures are focused intently on gaining entrance to Burning Man. “There is very little we can do before participants get to the event and once they’re in, forget about it,” stated security apparatchik Major Ranger.  “Burners on the playa are as slippery as AstroGlide on Greased Lightening so it is up to the brave well paid volunteers of Gate Perimeter, & Exodus to secure this event.”

The four new security measures are as follows:

1.  Volunteers working the gate and perimeter will be armed and poorly trained  with taser rifles.  Any taser rounds not used by the end of the event, which was said to be “highly unlikely”, will be used to spice up Exodus.  “We’ve wanted these for years.”

When Fired Sounds Like Dubstep, Hurts Like Happy Hardcore

2. All fencing will be electrified.

50,000 Watts of Goodwill

3. Those found with fake DNA, don’t possess a valid ticket, or just a bad attitude will be sent to ‘D’ Lot, playa name ‘The Great Pit of Carkoon’ where they will be slowly digested over a thousand years.

More Burners Please

4. All participants found to be holding a valid ticket will be branded or tattooed with their playa name, camp name and coordinates  on their arms.

There is nothing "Little" about Little Spoon

At a contentious press conference held at the Empire General Store, Major Ranger and BM TSA Spokesperson and event co-founder ‘Black Ops’ justified the new measures.

“We believe that if we can properly account for, track, and study all participants at the Burn this year we can ensure that this is the best event for dubstep, radical self-expression and self-reliance north of Reno”

“And if you don’t like it, read the back of your ticket buddy.”

Shortly after the announcement Burning Man put out a call for volunteer tattoo artists.

Palin E-mail Yoga Bombshell

Posted: June 11, 2011 in News
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Undefeated 2008 losing Republican VP nominee Sarah Palin prefers Anusara to Ashtanga yoga due to emphasis on adho mukha vrksasana or handstand.

Sarah in full Adho Mukha Vrksasana on a beach near Juneau, AK

The e-mail was found as part of a dump of over 24,199 pages of printed emails from Palin, some of them from the future.  An an e-mail dated December 21st, 2012 responding to a questions from Emily Buck of the James Madison University College Republicans says in part:

Emily, I’d really urge you to consider taking Anusara.  I tell ya they are big on the headstand.  The first time I achieved Adho Mukha Vrksasana in class it cleared my flippin’ head out.  I was so relaxed afterwards I literally fell asleep during Shavasana.

As for the boiled peanuts – you betcha!

Regards,

Sarah

It’s rumored Bristol Palin is all about Iyengar but could not be confirmed at press time.