Posts Tagged ‘Burning Man 2011’

How to Ask Burning Man for a Ticket Refund!

Posted: October 12, 2011 in BurningMan, Satire
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Gerlach, NV (CN)  –  It’s been over a month since you Burned.  It was a good Burn!  You had that one time out at DISTRIKT that was hella awesome.  Ohh and that one night at the Temple – Wow!

But the Burn wasn’t perfect.  It certainly wasn’t anything like the Burn of ’56 (1456 or 1956, both were spectacular!).

But now you are back in the default world after a half decent local Decompression.  You’re underemployed and feeling a bit pinched financially.

You spent thousands on Burning Man.  How can you get some of that filthy lucre back?

No, don’t take that dusty, unused can of Corn Beef Hash back to Walmart.

Request that Burning Man refund the full price of your ticket.

Burning Man Corp. was founded by people with names like Black Swan, Chicken John, Jonny Law, Paul Addis, and Danger Ranger.

Burning Founder

Now do they sound like the type of people who would refund your money?

No, most certainly not.

But like a billionaire paying her taxes there is a loophole you can exploit to ensure you get a full ticket refund.

An obscure statute in the Magna Carta from the Burn of 1215 allows anyone to receive a full refund of their ticket to Burning Man.

22. Nullus ticketus amercietur de refundum tenemento suo, nisi secundum modum Burning Man Corp. perfectorum, et non refundum quantitatem beneficii sui event north of Reno.

However time is limited.  The deadline is October 19th – read the instructions below and fill out the form to apply for your refund today.

  1. Attending this past Burning Man 2011, ‘Rites of Passage‘ is a requirement.  If you didn’t attend your chances of getting a refund fall dramatically.
  2. A scanned copy of your ticket stub, DOB and Social Security Number are also required.
  3. Write down a list of what did not go perfectly at the Burn.

Examples of a less than Perfect Burning Man experience are endless but some of the more common are as follows:

a)  Not hooking up with the hot blonde yoga teacher/Australian art school guy you flirted with Monday night next to that cool Flaming Octopus car. Fuck!

b)  Pulled your hamstring on that LOVE installation posing for a picture.  Fuck!

Ouch!

c)  Emergency Cigarette resupply didn’t happened until very late Wednesday Night.  Fuck!

d) Chafed and cut up hands real good Friday night pulling on Charon’s Ropes.  Fuck!

e) Exodus.  Fuck!

f) Japanese Rope Bondage Girl Smoking a Cigarette Cheapened the Whole Experience.  Fuck!

g) Losing your travel-sized toenail clipper.

“Its somewhere inside my Camelback, or is it in my tent? Fuck!”

h) No proper dust storm.  Fuck!

i) Two Hour Wait at Sandpaper Handjob Camp only to discover all you got was a sandpaper handjob and a half frozen pickle.  Double Fuck!

t) Where was all the fucking Trance music?!

If any of this happened to you fill out the below form by October 19th and you will have successfully applied to receive a full refund of your ticket.

There are many fascinating and complex ways in which Burning Man turns out not to be perfect.  Share your experience and gripe with your fellow Burners in the comments section below.

You will be asked for a scanned copy of your ticket stub shortly after submitting the form.

Isn’t getting $300 back in your pocket worth throwing Daddy Consumption some Greenbacks?

Be Generous.

Post Burning Man Consumption

Posted: October 1, 2011 in Bumblepuss, BurningMan, NectarVillage
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It was great to meet so many Consumptives out at the event North of Reno.

A special shout out to all my peeps in Bumblepuss and NectarVillage – thanks for keeping it real.

This blog is not dead – updates, prizes, celebrity interviews and more will be appearing in October 2011 on this blog – stay tuned and beware!

Cheers,

Consumptionblog Management

Burning Man Playa Condition Report: Not Good

Posted: August 22, 2011 in BurningMan, News
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Playa Report 2011.

Black Rock City, NV (CN) – I have received several accounts of the state of the playa surface from my well feed dusty moles in DPW.

It don’t sound good folks.

Over the past decade the playa has slowly decayed from a reliable rock hard surface where Andy “Green Man” Green’s art car ‘Pedal Masher’ broke the land speed record at the Burn of 1997 at 763 mph while 20 guests sipped dusty martinis and danced relentlessly from the roof deck into muck and decay.

DMV Would Never Approve This Now

From my most trusted source in DPW:

“In past years the playa surface resembles a baked brownie crust surface.  This year it resembles a brownie mix still in the mixing bowl – a mixture of mud topped by a frothy Santorum  of gas, PBR and last years Astroglide.  It’s like a swamp.

Don’t even consider bringing a bike unless you plan to turn it into fire art.  The playa is unridable.  Hell, it’s nearly undrive-able.  The higher ups at Burning Man are talking about having people park in Gerlach and be bussed in because so many cars are likely to get stuck in the muck.”

Your best way from Gerlach to BRC?

DPW Source #2

The weather has also been more extreme than usual.  During the day it’s actually humid.  The humidity has brought wildlife back to the playa.  Last night I killed a Atropoides picadoi I found under the wheel well of my  Toyota Tundra.  Speaking of tundra; at night it’s gotten so cold that Trego and Frog Pond hot springs have frozen over.  Think Ecuador in August during the Day, Kiev in January at Night.   I expect most people will leave after a couple days, no matter what humiliating things they had to do to get tickets.  50,000 people my ass! By Thursday more like 5,000.

Do whatever you want fellow Burners but I’ve ditched the bike, bought some hip boots and anti-venom of Craigslist and am hoping just to survive.

Burning Man Announces Strict New Security Measures

Posted: August 9, 2011 in BurningMan, News, Satire
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Empire General Store, NV (CN) – Amid continuing ticket chaos, riots in London and general 2012 End Time related societal breakdown Burning Man Temporal Security Agency (BM TSA) today announced four new enhanced security measures for Burning Man 2011, ‘No Guaranteed Rite of Passage’

The new measures are focused intently on gaining entrance to Burning Man. “There is very little we can do before participants get to the event and once they’re in, forget about it,” stated security apparatchik Major Ranger.  “Burners on the playa are as slippery as AstroGlide on Greased Lightening so it is up to the brave well paid volunteers of Gate Perimeter, & Exodus to secure this event.”

The four new security measures are as follows:

1.  Volunteers working the gate and perimeter will be armed and poorly trained  with taser rifles.  Any taser rounds not used by the end of the event, which was said to be “highly unlikely”, will be used to spice up Exodus.  “We’ve wanted these for years.”

When Fired Sounds Like Dubstep, Hurts Like Happy Hardcore

2. All fencing will be electrified.

50,000 Watts of Goodwill

3. Those found with fake DNA, don’t possess a valid ticket, or just a bad attitude will be sent to ‘D’ Lot, playa name ‘The Great Pit of Carkoon’ where they will be slowly digested over a thousand years.

More Burners Please

4. All participants found to be holding a valid ticket will be branded or tattooed with their playa name, camp name and coordinates  on their arms.

There is nothing "Little" about Little Spoon

At a contentious press conference held at the Empire General Store, Major Ranger and BM TSA Spokesperson and event co-founder ‘Black Ops’ justified the new measures.

“We believe that if we can properly account for, track, and study all participants at the Burn this year we can ensure that this is the best event for dubstep, radical self-expression and self-reliance north of Reno”

“And if you don’t like it, read the back of your ticket buddy.”

Shortly after the announcement Burning Man put out a call for volunteer tattoo artists.

F&P Downgrades Festival Rating for BurningMan

Posted: August 6, 2011 in BurningMan, News, Satire
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Somewhere near Market and West Grand Oakland, CA (CN) –  Festivals & Promotions (F&P) announced late Friday night from a rave in a west Oakland warehouse that it has downgraded Burning Man from its highest rating ‘MDMA’ to ‘MDA’. The ratings agency cited chaos surrounding tickets unexpectedly selling out; ensuing riots, lack of Anthem Trance, and a lawsuit by PETA.

Burning Man Corp. organizers were said to be distraught and defiant. “Those motherfuckers,” slurred bearded Burning Man spokesman Angry Bear, found drinking a $4 PBR Tallboy at Murio’s Trophy Room in the Upper Haight late Friday night.  “I know which warehouse they are at in Oakland.  If it was anywhere but west Oakland, I’d go show them a ratings downgrade! Enjoy that shitty trainwrecking Breaks DJ – what rating you give her? Awwwwwrrrrrrrrr!”

F&P started rating Burning Man, the Newport Jazz Festival, and other large outdoor events in 1941 on an evolving and poorly understood 21 point scale.  At the beginning high ratings were given for items such as number of Black Bears and Brill Cream.  Today the ratings revolve around number of dubstep DJs per 1000 festival goers, difficulty exiting the event, flame quotient, and a mysterious bacon algorithm called the Bacon Shuffle.

F&P Bacon Shuffle Algorithm

F&P spokesperson White Paul was reached via cellphone at the Oakland warehouse rave, “You can only peak on an MDMA rating for so long and Burning Man has done it longer than anyone which is marvelous.”  Adding insult to injury White Paul continued rambling,  “An MDA rating is still pretty damn good, Bonoroo has an MDA rating so don’t be so judgmental Burning Man.”

According to White Paul most Burners won’t notice a difference because of the downgrade.  “You can expect the price of coffee to be higher, the port-a-potties will be cleaned less often and less bacon and frozen pickles will be gifted.”

Burning Man Playapocalypse – from Ticketless Burners to Ghaddafi

Posted: August 1, 2011 in BurningMan, History, News, Politics, Quotes, Reviews, Satire
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“As Goes Black Rock City, So Goes the World” Herodotus

Burning Man is in full fledged freak out mode.

Don’t buy the calm, slightly sarcastic repose of the Burning Man organizers.  They are shaking in their dusty black boots.

Burning Man is having a crisis not seen since Larry Harvey decided to hold the Burn of 1916 in Verdun in an ill conceived scheme to save money on fireworks.

Here is but a short list of press reports documenting that event in the desert slightly north of Reno slow decent into chaos:

Tickets are sold out and Burners are rioting

The Man has been exposed as being foreign born

Trance music is at an all time low

Obama has sold his Burning Man tickets yet again.

You can now find your friends easily on the playa.

Ghaddafi to appear in the Thunderdome

PETA has filed suite against Burning Man

New Age Survival Backpacks Selling Like Hotcakes 

Breaking News: Obama to Sell Burning Man Tickets to Ease Federal Debt

Posted: July 27, 2011 in BurningMan, News, Politics, Satire
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Update: Four Days Left to Bid on Obama Burning Man Tickets

Washington, DC (CN) – As part of intense, last minute negotiations with Republicans on raising the national debt ceiling President Obama has offered to sell his and Michelle’s Burning Man tickets.

The President said all profit from the sale of the two tickets will be applied to lowering the federal debt.

It was announced last weekend that BurningMan had sold out for the first time since tickets were introduced at the Burn of 80 AD when it was first held at the Roman Colosseum.  Prices for Burning Man tickets rose on global commodity markets when trading opened Monday.  The value of a single ounce of Burning Man ticket has now risen faster, higher, and stronger than gold.

“The Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner has advised me that under the current economic climate we should be able to haul in about $20,000 a ticket,” said President Obama in a statement in the White House Rose Garden.  He was later seen weeping with Michelle as he repacked a dusty set of fire poi and a pink fuzzy full length jacket.

The offer to sell the ticket was accepted by the Republicans and Democrats in a rarely seen moment of honest bi-partisanship.

“As much as I’d love to see Obama in the great state of Nevada wearing a pink tutu spinning poi, sometimes the welfare of the country comes first”, said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV).  “But just barely.”

“I’m not sure what Burning Man is,” said a confused GOP House Speaker John Boehner.  “But I guess it’s better the QE3.”

Obama had been to Burning Man twice before being elected Commander in Chief.  He also sold his 2009 tickets, but only for a measly $300 on Craigslist.

CrankyDust Enters BurnerMap.com Fray

Posted: July 26, 2011 in BurningMan, News, Products
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Lower Haight, SF (CN) – Long time Burner and San Francisco resident has entered into a fray with BurnerMap.com.  Cranky was last seen rioting in front of the Burning Man Corp. HQ with other ticketless Burners yesterday.  That same day in a bout of productivity not seen in years CrankyDust distributed a press release condemning BurnerMaps.com (see below)

Vague plans for burning BurnerMap.com were mentioned but with few details – more updates to follow.

Awesome Burning Man Camp Locator Facebook App.

Posted: July 18, 2011 in Bumblepuss, BurningMan, NectarVillage, Products
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Where are you and your friends camping at Burning Man this year?

It’s so confusing and dusty out there.

Not Anymore.

With this awesome app.  you can enter in where you’ll be on the Playa and share the info with your friends.

Try It Out NOW-ish…