Posts Tagged ‘bacon’

Perfectly Cooked Bacon for the Masses

by Robin

It was stunning to me to realize that I had not shared my perfect bacon 
cooking method prior to 2010.  Apparently the breakfast shift I was on was the first time many Bumblers were the recipients of my 
perfectly cooked bacon.  T-Dazzle remembers it from our time together at HeeBees.  This is the method to getting all of your bacon 
cooked all at once perfectly.  You can have it as crispy or chewy as you 
want.  And this method cuts down on the little snatchers who like to sneak 
bacon before the entire meal is done!  BACK YOU RABID BUMBLERS!  YOU  MUST 
WAIT UNTIL THE EGGS ARE DONE!  Oh, whoops, the eggs exploded in the boiler. 
I guess I should share my recipe for strained eggs also.  See below!

Your Typical Bumbler Breakfast

In order to have all of the bacon done all at once, and perfectly for that 
matter, you must put all of the bacon in the pan at once.  Yes.  Pile it 
in!  5 pounds if you must!  As long as the pan is not overflowing, it will 
work just fine.  You just have to keep stirring.  KEEP STIRRING!  STIR THE 
BACON!  It may take 20 or 30 minutes, depending on how dark you like it, but 
trust me, when you pull all of it out at once and put it all out there for 
the hungry Bumblers, no one will complain.  Each piece will be cooked 
exactly like the next, and all the way through. It will all be warm!  No 
half-charred, half-raw pieces here.  Oh no.  This bacon is perfect.

These go well with Bacon

Hopefully we won’t have to use this method again!  If your egg bag explodes 
in the boiler, fear not.  Juicy eggs are just a strain away!  Simply get the 
colander and a friend to help you.  Discreetly bring the boiler of eggs and 
the colander to the gray water.  Whether its early in the week or later will 
determine how careful you need to be about people seeing you strain the 
eggs.  It might not matter as much later on in the week!  Anyway, one person 
holds the colander over the gray water container and the other person 
carefully pours the watery eggs into the colander.


Strained eggs. 
Perfect for any occasion.


Somewhere near Market and West Grand Oakland, CA (CN) –  Festivals & Promotions (F&P) announced late Friday night from a rave in a west Oakland warehouse that it has downgraded Burning Man from its highest rating ‘MDMA’ to ‘MDA’. The ratings agency cited chaos surrounding tickets unexpectedly selling out; ensuing riots, lack of Anthem Trance, and a lawsuit by PETA.

Burning Man Corp. organizers were said to be distraught and defiant. “Those motherfuckers,” slurred bearded Burning Man spokesman Angry Bear, found drinking a $4 PBR Tallboy at Murio’s Trophy Room in the Upper Haight late Friday night.  “I know which warehouse they are at in Oakland.  If it was anywhere but west Oakland, I’d go show them a ratings downgrade! Enjoy that shitty trainwrecking Breaks DJ – what rating you give her? Awwwwwrrrrrrrrr!”

F&P started rating Burning Man, the Newport Jazz Festival, and other large outdoor events in 1941 on an evolving and poorly understood 21 point scale.  At the beginning high ratings were given for items such as number of Black Bears and Brill Cream.  Today the ratings revolve around number of dubstep DJs per 1000 festival goers, difficulty exiting the event, flame quotient, and a mysterious bacon algorithm called the Bacon Shuffle.

F&P Bacon Shuffle Algorithm

F&P spokesperson White Paul was reached via cellphone at the Oakland warehouse rave, “You can only peak on an MDMA rating for so long and Burning Man has done it longer than anyone which is marvelous.”  Adding insult to injury White Paul continued rambling,  “An MDA rating is still pretty damn good, Bonoroo has an MDA rating so don’t be so judgmental Burning Man.”

According to White Paul most Burners won’t notice a difference because of the downgrade.  “You can expect the price of coffee to be higher, the port-a-potties will be cleaned less often and less bacon and frozen pickles will be gifted.”

Thanks to you the loyal Consumptionists readers out there in not so tangible land we have a our first sponsor.  Luckily it’s a consumer product Consumptionists can consume in copious quantities.

From ‘Peripatetic‘ the company that brought you the 1980s Young Adult Depression vehicle The Journey of Natty Gann & Bacon!  The Musical:

Mesquite Grilled Water – ‘You Don’t Have to Flip It!’ ®

It’s as easy as 1-2-3

1) Pour the desired amount out of the 12 oz. bottle onto a charcoal or gas grill.

2) Watch that mesquite grilled water sizzle for just under a minute.

3) Serve Immediately to astounded and dumbstruck guests.