CONSUMPTION BLOG

Somewhere near Market and West Grand Oakland, CA (CN) –  Festivals & Promotions (F&P) announced late Friday night from a rave in a west Oakland warehouse that it has downgraded Burning Man from its highest rating ‘MDMA’ to ‘MDA’. The ratings agency cited chaos surrounding tickets unexpectedly selling out; ensuing riots, lack of Anthem Trance, and a lawsuit by PETA.

Burning Man Corp. organizers were said to be distraught and defiant. “Those motherfuckers,” slurred bearded Burning Man spokesman Angry Bear, found drinking a $4 PBR Tallboy at Murio’s Trophy Room in the Upper Haight late Friday night.  “I know which warehouse they are at in Oakland.  If it was anywhere but west Oakland, I’d go show them a ratings downgrade! Enjoy that shitty trainwrecking Breaks DJ – what rating you give her? Awwwwwrrrrrrrrr!”

F&P started rating Burning Man, the Newport Jazz Festival, and other large outdoor events in 1941 on an evolving and poorly understood 21 point scale.  At the beginning high ratings were given for items such as number of Black Bears and Brill Cream.  Today the ratings revolve around number of dubstep DJs per 1000 festival goers, difficulty exiting the event, flame quotient, and a mysterious bacon algorithm called the Bacon Shuffle.

F&P Bacon Shuffle Algorithm

F&P spokesperson White Paul was reached via cellphone at the Oakland warehouse rave, “You can only peak on an MDMA rating for so long and Burning Man has done it longer than anyone which is marvelous.”  Adding insult to injury White Paul continued rambling,  “An MDA rating is still pretty damn good, Bonoroo has an MDA rating so don’t be so judgmental Burning Man.”

According to White Paul most Burners won’t notice a difference because of the downgrade.  “You can expect the price of coffee to be higher, the port-a-potties will be cleaned less often and less bacon and frozen pickles will be gifted.”