Somewhere near Market and West Grand Oakland, CA (CN) – Festivals & Promotions (F&P) announced late Friday night from a rave in a west Oakland warehouse that it has downgraded Burning Man from its highest rating ‘MDMA’ to ‘MDA’. The ratings agency cited chaos surrounding tickets unexpectedly selling out; ensuing riots, lack of Anthem Trance, and a lawsuit by PETA.
Burning Man Corp. organizers were said to be distraught and defiant. “Those motherfuckers,” slurred bearded Burning Man spokesman Angry Bear, found drinking a $4 PBR Tallboy at Murio’s Trophy Room in the Upper Haight late Friday night. “I know which warehouse they are at in Oakland. If it was anywhere but west Oakland, I’d go show them a ratings downgrade! Enjoy that shitty trainwrecking Breaks DJ – what rating you give her? Awwwwwrrrrrrrrr!”
F&P started rating Burning Man, the Newport Jazz Festival, and other large outdoor events in 1941 on an evolving and poorly understood 21 point scale. At the beginning high ratings were given for items such as number of Black Bears and Brill Cream. Today the ratings revolve around number of dubstep DJs per 1000 festival goers, difficulty exiting the event, flame quotient, and a mysterious bacon algorithm called the Bacon Shuffle.
F&P spokesperson White Paul was reached via cellphone at the Oakland warehouse rave, “You can only peak on an MDMA rating for so long and Burning Man has done it longer than anyone which is marvelous.” Adding insult to injury White Paul continued rambling, “An MDA rating is still pretty damn good, Bonoroo has an MDA rating so don’t be so judgmental Burning Man.”
According to White Paul most Burners won’t notice a difference because of the downgrade. “You can expect the price of coffee to be higher, the port-a-potties will be cleaned less often and less bacon and frozen pickles will be gifted.”
Oh dear god – not the Bacon Shuffle!!!
Yes, its come to the Bacon Shuffle, may Gaia and some Bac-O-Bits help us all…
WHAT???
NO BACON?????
WE’RE DOOMED!!!
Like Blood, There Will be Bacon, there will just be less of it. Lets not create a Bacon Run inducing panic – that would be horrible! Bacon!
At least this will be the first Burning Man where money is accepted: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g6d0CvhFSto
That might improve their rating again 🙂
It’s the last Burning Man anyway. http://theshroom.wordpress.com/2011/07/26/harvey-announces-2011-is-final-burning-man/m
We’re sure that contributed to the downgrade.
Yeah the whole ‘It’s the Last Burn’ couldn’t of helped matters much.
This is brilliant.
Thank you for the AM laughs!
Bacon Shuffle and brill cream
You are most welcome – glad to be of service!