Posts Tagged ‘Empire’

Washoe County, NV (CN) – In a late night action Black Rock Rangers raided the OccupyBurners camp in the former town of Empire.  There were no reports of injuries or violence during the raid.

After a brief, intense Roman Candle Battle between OccupyBurners and BRC Rangers 26 Burners were turned over to the Washoe County Police for deportation to a dodgy casino in Carson City.  An estimated 50 other Burners began a 10 hour Exodus to the Grand Sierra Resort in Reno to begin Post-Occupation Decompression [POD] and catch a show by techno act Pretty Lights.

A spokesperson for Washoe County Sheriff Department talked to Consumptionblog after the raid.

Why was the raid conducted?:

“We removed the Burners for their own good – it’s cold out there, their domes are not up to winter in the high desert.  Crotchless pink jeans and burn barrels just don’t cut it.”

Why did you employ volunteer Black Rock Rangers to go in first?

“We saw what happened at UC Davis.  A lot of our officers look like Lt. Pike.  Some are even related.  There was no way we were going in there with force to remove Burners.  We contacted the Burning Man folks and they said there were plenty of Alpha Hippie Rangers who would take time off work, gather their carabines, khaki and buttons and impose order where it was needed.”

A handful of Burners had begun Occupation of the hamlet of Empire, NV after the 2011 Burn.  Empire had been abandoned earlier in the year after US Gypsum Corp. closed down operations at the gypsum mine as the housing market left it’s mortal coil.  Gypsum is the main ingredient in drywall, a key component to building shit like houses.

A SpokesBurner for OccupyEmpire ‘Gypsum Rose’ answered questions via Twitter during Exodus.

“#ows We are the 99% of Washoe County #occupyburners #occupyempire”

“We demanded the 1% of Washoe County return to Gypsum Mining #ows #occupyburners”

“Burners Built some awesome domes, a library, communal kitchen in Empire.  Comfort and Joy donated a gym. #occupyempire #ows”

“The new #lottery system benefits only the rich Burners #BurningMan #OWS”

“Rangers are now officially worse than Placement #BurningMan #OWS #OccupyBurningMan”

“We don’t want to go back to Oakland.  #oo #OWS #MrFloppysFlophouse”

It’s rumored that the ruins of Empire will be used as a home for wild horses being brought in to replace DPW at the 2012 Burn.

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Empire General Store, NV (CN) – Amid continuing ticket chaos, riots in London and general 2012 End Time related societal breakdown Burning Man Temporal Security Agency (BM TSA) today announced four new enhanced security measures for Burning Man 2011, ‘No Guaranteed Rite of Passage’

The new measures are focused intently on gaining entrance to Burning Man. “There is very little we can do before participants get to the event and once they’re in, forget about it,” stated security apparatchik Major Ranger.  “Burners on the playa are as slippery as AstroGlide on Greased Lightening so it is up to the brave well paid volunteers of Gate Perimeter, & Exodus to secure this event.”

The four new security measures are as follows:

1.  Volunteers working the gate and perimeter will be armed and poorly trained  with taser rifles.  Any taser rounds not used by the end of the event, which was said to be “highly unlikely”, will be used to spice up Exodus.  “We’ve wanted these for years.”

When Fired Sounds Like Dubstep, Hurts Like Happy Hardcore

2. All fencing will be electrified.

50,000 Watts of Goodwill

3. Those found with fake DNA, don’t possess a valid ticket, or just a bad attitude will be sent to ‘D’ Lot, playa name ‘The Great Pit of Carkoon’ where they will be slowly digested over a thousand years.

More Burners Please

4. All participants found to be holding a valid ticket will be branded or tattooed with their playa name, camp name and coordinates  on their arms.

There is nothing "Little" about Little Spoon

At a contentious press conference held at the Empire General Store, Major Ranger and BM TSA Spokesperson and event co-founder ‘Black Ops’ justified the new measures.

“We believe that if we can properly account for, track, and study all participants at the Burn this year we can ensure that this is the best event for dubstep, radical self-expression and self-reliance north of Reno”

“And if you don’t like it, read the back of your ticket buddy.”

Shortly after the announcement Burning Man put out a call for volunteer tattoo artists.