Total Takeover
Him: “I’d like to Occupy the Crease.”
Her: “Perhaps. Care to go to my place for coffee afterwards?”
Him: “Sure, I can show you my Baggy Green.”
Her: “That would be awesome, I’ve never seen a Baggy Green up close.”
Him (to himself): This is like being on 427 going into the Second Innings at The Gabba. I will Occupy the Crease!
Washoe County, NV (CN) – In a late night action Black Rock Rangers raided the OccupyBurners camp in the former town of Empire. There were no reports of injuries or violence during the raid.
After a brief, intense Roman Candle Battle between OccupyBurners and BRC Rangers 26 Burners were turned over to the Washoe County Police for deportation to a dodgy casino in Carson City. An estimated 50 other Burners began a 10 hour Exodus to the Grand Sierra Resort in Reno to begin Post-Occupation Decompression [POD] and catch a show by techno act Pretty Lights.
A spokesperson for Washoe County Sheriff Department talked to Consumptionblog after the raid.
Why was the raid conducted?:
“We removed the Burners for their own good – it’s cold out there, their domes are not up to winter in the high desert. Crotchless pink jeans and burn barrels just don’t cut it.”
Why did you employ volunteer Black Rock Rangers to go in first?
“We saw what happened at UC Davis. A lot of our officers look like Lt. Pike. Some are even related. There was no way we were going in there with force to remove Burners. We contacted the Burning Man folks and they said there were plenty of Alpha Hippie Rangers who would take time off work, gather their carabines, khaki and buttons and impose order where it was needed.”
A handful of Burners had begun Occupation of the hamlet of Empire, NV after the 2011 Burn. Empire had been abandoned earlier in the year after US Gypsum Corp. closed down operations at the gypsum mine as the housing market left it’s mortal coil. Gypsum is the main ingredient in drywall, a key component to building shit like houses.
A SpokesBurner for OccupyEmpire ‘Gypsum Rose’ answered questions via Twitter during Exodus.
“#ows We are the 99% of Washoe County #occupyburners #occupyempire”
“We demanded the 1% of Washoe County return to Gypsum Mining #ows #occupyburners”
“Burners Built some awesome domes, a library, communal kitchen in Empire. Comfort and Joy donated a gym. #occupyempire #ows”
“The new #lottery system benefits only the rich Burners #BurningMan #OWS”
“Rangers are now officially worse than Placement #BurningMan #OWS #OccupyBurningMan”
“We don’t want to go back to Oakland. #oo #OWS #MrFloppysFlophouse”
It’s rumored that the ruins of Empire will be used as a home for wild horses being brought in to replace DPW at the 2012 Burn.
NEWSFLASH: #OccupyDenver follows suite, nominates Border Collie as leader.
Oscar Grant Plaza, Oakland, CA – (CN Wire) After leading a general strike that made headlines around the world #OccupyOakland continued to solidify its position as an innovator of the nascent #OccupyWallStreet movement by nominating an Ape to be it’s leader on Monday night.
The Ape known as ‘Caesar’ was profiled in a recent radical environmental documentary ‘Rise of the Planet of the Apes‘. In the documentary Caesar organizes his fellow Apes, Chimps and other primates to break free from their unjust and cruel imprisonment. They soon kill a punk-ass’d white guy, over run a for profit biotech company, trash San Francisco like it was Bay to Breakers and successfully battle the police on the Golden Gate Bridge before undertaking an occupation of Muir Woods.
The documentary was shown several times on a big screen in Oscar Grant Plaza and swiftly became an inspirational rallying point to all involved. The chant ‘All Hail Caesar!’ has quickly become a mantra of the protest movement. Caesar and his primate crew was quickly adopted by the #OccupyOakland General Assembly as a natural leader who could bring new blood to the quickly tiring movement. Effective immediately Caesar and his monkey gang have been elected to take over operational control of all aspects of #OccupyOakland.
A short declaration dictated via iPhone4’s Siri for the reasons behind the General Assembly’s decision was sent to the media.
From this moment forth #OccupyOakland declares our undying fealty to almighty Caesar and solidarity with his protesting primate entourage.
- Caesar and his primate posse eschew civilization, the city and other facades of our rotting capitalist pig-dog society, preferring instead the blissful, natural environs of Muir Woods and other earthy state parks.
- The peoples of #OccupyOakland have no problem with having a strong leader, we just object to that leader being human.
Hail Caesar!
- Caesar and his monkey throng know how to handle the police, unlike those damn suburban white boy anarchists.
This is what democracy looks like.
- By storming and destroying a biotech company only concerned about profit and not the people’s welfare, Caesar and his primate partners have shown a clear commitment to being anti-capitalist and anti-biotechnology.
- Caesar has aspirational designs beyond setting up a couple tents and a soup kitchen. The slogan ‘Another World is Possible’ is actually likely under Caesar’s radical leadership.
- Caesar and his gaggle of chimps enjoy sleeping outdoors.
- Caesar and the Orangutan gang clearly shares Bay Area residents frustration with bridge traffic.
My Kinda Commute
- The Primate’s primal aversion to clothing, good hygiene habits and lack of other possessions clearly demonstrates solidarity with #OccupyOakland’s anti-materialist, anti-consumption worldview.
- James Franco and Freida Pinto make a super hot couple.
HOT-T
- The name ‘Caesar’ just sounds like a word that means ‘Leader’.
Society may mock us now, but they’ll soon ape us!
A member of the #OccupyOakland movement who participated in the General Assembly meeting that elected Caesar as their new leader said the decision was reached quickly.
“Consensus was reached after 20 minutes of discussion. Hell, it took longer to decide what Chinese restaurant we wanted to order take out from. We picked Shan Dong and it was hella good.”
Another #OccupyOakland protestor reached for comment Monday night concluded “That damn dirty Ape is no shill for The Man and a heck of a lot smarter than my Teaparty douche of a neighbor in that alienating condo complex I live at in Alameda.”
Caesar and his band of primates were notified via Twitter.
What happens next is anyone’s guess.
The Only Question - Which is Oakland?
Capers!
Wall Street, NY (CN) – Weeks after Americans started the #OccupyWallStreet and the ‘We are the 99%’ Protests the rest of the world is finally getting off its fat, bariatric ass and get out onto the streets.
Better late than never.
As a story in the London daily broadsheet The Guardian notes its’ taken weeks (as usual) for the worlds’ would be protestors to catch up with the United States.
US leads the Way
“Surely, no government can be expected to foster its own subversion, but in a democracy such a right is vested in the people. Naturally the US is leading the way in this regard.” said dead Frankfurter and noted non-American Herbert Marcuse from an undisclosed shallow grave.
Addressing a crowd of protestors on Wall Street who are all in the top 10% of global annual income and living standards Naomi Klein yelled,
“It’s great to see Americans out protesting, setting up tent cities and sending a message not only to the grotesque economic elite in Manhattan but giving a gentle Solidarity push to other peoples of the world that they can protest their government and financial institutions as well. I think in a couple weeks, guided by the example set by America, you’ll see the people in the Middle East telling their governments they want change. I love you.”
Protestor and NYC resident (Greenpoint) Ben Lomen talked to Consumptionblog reporter on the scene Marc about the laziness of the rest of the world.
“I been wondering when the rest of the world would come around,” said Ben as he rolled a cigarette. “I mean I been camped out here for three weeks making sacrifices. Eating vegan sweet potato latkes, doing Anasara Yoga instead of Ashtanga because that’s the only instructor here, sleeping on the ground in a three season REI sleeping bag I borrowed from a friend, holding signs, uploading videos of my fellow protestors to youtube. You know, changing the world and stuff. No judgement; but where the fuck have the Greeks been or the Spanish for that matter? ¡¿Que Pasa?!”
A protestor women in her 20s from Sarah Lawrence College interrupted at this point.
“Well man the Greeks haven’t been totally silent. There is the Greek Protest Dog ‘Kanellos’. The Anarchists have taught him how to bark The International in Greek and whenever he sees a police officer or a banker, you gotta check it out.”
“Ohh cool I will, mos def.”
*woof* So comrades, come rally And the last fight let us face..." *woof*
People in cities throughout the world are expected to copy US protests, however poorly, this coming weekend. Stay tuned to Consumptionblog Newswire for coverage as it happens.
I submitted this to the ‘weare99percent’ tumblr. It will be interesting to see if they take the submission. This message lodged itself into my brain at the beach yesterday and I just had to do it.
Love all y’all consumptives and stuff…
No disrespect to the 99%’ers – but I can’t help but feel most people have more control over their life than they give themselves credit for.
Back to snark, sarcasm and historical stuff soon…
The good Americans of Puerto Viejo, Costa Rica stand with you #OccupyWallStreet and believe me – we have grievances aplenty…
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