#occupyoakland Nominates Ape as Leader

Posted: November 8, 2011 in News, Politics, Satire
Tags: , , , , , , ,

NEWSFLASH: #OccupyDenver follows suite, nominates Border Collie as leader.

Oscar Grant Plaza, Oakland, CA – (CN Wire) After leading a general strike that made headlines around the world #OccupyOakland continued to solidify its position as an innovator of  the nascent #OccupyWallStreet movement by nominating an Ape to be it’s leader on Monday night.

The Ape known as ‘Caesar’ was profiled in a recent radical environmental documentary Rise of the Planet of the Apes‘.  In the documentary Caesar organizes his fellow Apes, Chimps and other primates to break free from their unjust and cruel imprisonment.  They soon kill a punk-ass’d white guy, over run a for profit biotech company, trash San Francisco like it was Bay to Breakers and successfully battle the police on the Golden Gate Bridge before undertaking an occupation of Muir Woods.

The documentary was shown several times on a big screen in Oscar Grant Plaza and swiftly became an inspirational rallying point to all involved.  The chant ‘All Hail Caesar!’ has quickly become a mantra of the protest movement.   Caesar and his primate crew was quickly adopted by the #OccupyOakland General Assembly as a natural leader who could bring new blood to the quickly tiring movement.  Effective immediately Caesar and his monkey gang have been elected to take over operational control of all aspects of #OccupyOakland.

A short declaration dictated via iPhone4’s Siri for the reasons behind the General Assembly’s decision was sent to the media.

From this moment forth #OccupyOakland declares our undying fealty to almighty Caesar and solidarity with his protesting primate entourage.

  • Caesar and his primate posse eschew civilization, the city and other facades of our rotting capitalist pig-dog society, preferring instead the blissful, natural environs of Muir Woods and other earthy state parks.
  • The peoples of #OccupyOakland have no problem with having a strong leader, we just object to that leader being human.

    Hail Caesar!

  • Caesar and his monkey throng know how to handle the police, unlike those damn suburban white boy anarchists.

    This is what democracy looks like.

  • By storming and destroying a biotech company only concerned about profit and not the people’s welfare, Caesar and his primate partners have shown a clear commitment to being anti-capitalist and anti-biotechnology.
  • Caesar has aspirational designs beyond setting up a couple tents and a soup kitchen.  The slogan ‘Another World is Possible’ is actually likely under Caesar’s radical leadership.
  • Caesar and his gaggle of chimps enjoy sleeping outdoors.
  • Caesar and the Orangutan gang clearly shares Bay Area residents frustration with bridge traffic.

My Kinda Commute

  • The Primate’s primal aversion to clothing, good hygiene habits and lack of other possessions clearly demonstrates solidarity with #OccupyOakland’s anti-materialist, anti-consumption worldview.
  • James Franco and Freida Pinto make a super hot couple.

HOT-T

  • The name ‘Caesar’ just sounds like a word that means ‘Leader’.
Society may mock us now, but they’ll soon ape us!

A member of the #OccupyOakland movement who participated in the General Assembly meeting that elected Caesar as their new leader said the decision was reached quickly.

“Consensus was reached after 20 minutes of discussion.  Hell, it took longer to decide what Chinese restaurant we wanted to order take out from.  We picked Shan Dong and it was hella good.”

Another #OccupyOakland protestor reached for comment Monday night concluded “That damn dirty Ape is no shill for The Man and a heck of a lot smarter than my Teaparty douche of a neighbor in that alienating condo complex I live at in Alameda.”

Caesar and his band of primates were notified via Twitter.

What happens next is anyone’s guess.

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