Posts Tagged ‘taser gun’

Not Playing at Your Burn, Your Burn

Paris, FR (CN) – Fabulously famous French electronic duo Daft Punk have cancelled their planned performance at Burning Man.  The duo, comprised of Guy Monte Cristo and Tommy Bangin’ Bass said in their press release:

“We’ve gone to three or four Burns just to hang out, slurp wine in a box, go to the Steambath Project, hang around Center Camp, but we’ve never performed.  This year was going to be different.  We had a surprise set all lined up at Opulent Temple for Friday night.  But we couldn’t get tickets and the new security measures! Forget about it.  Taser guns?!  No No No.  We will play Circus Circus in Reno on Wednesday with Shpongle and Beats Antique instead.  They pay better even though the rooms are so-so.”

Burning Man Corp. responded immediately stating, “That’s too bad but Burning Man is for amateurs.  We found this douche from Schenectady that’s going to train wreck Daft Punk’s 2006 Coachella set at 7:38 & G on Monday once he’s done enough K.  Go and enjoy that instead.”

Empire General Store, NV (CN) – Amid continuing ticket chaos, riots in London and general 2012 End Time related societal breakdown Burning Man Temporal Security Agency (BM TSA) today announced four new enhanced security measures for Burning Man 2011, ‘No Guaranteed Rite of Passage’

The new measures are focused intently on gaining entrance to Burning Man. “There is very little we can do before participants get to the event and once they’re in, forget about it,” stated security apparatchik Major Ranger.  “Burners on the playa are as slippery as AstroGlide on Greased Lightening so it is up to the brave well paid volunteers of Gate Perimeter, & Exodus to secure this event.”

The four new security measures are as follows:

1.  Volunteers working the gate and perimeter will be armed and poorly trained  with taser rifles.  Any taser rounds not used by the end of the event, which was said to be “highly unlikely”, will be used to spice up Exodus.  “We’ve wanted these for years.”

When Fired Sounds Like Dubstep, Hurts Like Happy Hardcore

2. All fencing will be electrified.

50,000 Watts of Goodwill

3. Those found with fake DNA, don’t possess a valid ticket, or just a bad attitude will be sent to ‘D’ Lot, playa name ‘The Great Pit of Carkoon’ where they will be slowly digested over a thousand years.

More Burners Please

4. All participants found to be holding a valid ticket will be branded or tattooed with their playa name, camp name and coordinates  on their arms.

There is nothing "Little" about Little Spoon

At a contentious press conference held at the Empire General Store, Major Ranger and BM TSA Spokesperson and event co-founder ‘Black Ops’ justified the new measures.

“We believe that if we can properly account for, track, and study all participants at the Burn this year we can ensure that this is the best event for dubstep, radical self-expression and self-reliance north of Reno”

“And if you don’t like it, read the back of your ticket buddy.”

Shortly after the announcement Burning Man put out a call for volunteer tattoo artists.