How to Ask Burning Man for a Ticket Refund!

Posted: October 12, 2011 in BurningMan, Satire
Tags: , ,

Gerlach, NV (CN)  –  It’s been over a month since you Burned.  It was a good Burn!  You had that one time out at DISTRIKT that was hella awesome.  Ohh and that one night at the Temple – Wow!

But the Burn wasn’t perfect.  It certainly wasn’t anything like the Burn of ’56 (1456 or 1956, both were spectacular!).

But now you are back in the default world after a half decent local Decompression.  You’re underemployed and feeling a bit pinched financially.

You spent thousands on Burning Man.  How can you get some of that filthy lucre back?

No, don’t take that dusty, unused can of Corn Beef Hash back to Walmart.

Request that Burning Man refund the full price of your ticket.

Burning Man Corp. was founded by people with names like Black Swan, Chicken John, Jonny Law, Paul Addis, and Danger Ranger.

Burning Founder

Now do they sound like the type of people who would refund your money?

No, most certainly not.

But like a billionaire paying her taxes there is a loophole you can exploit to ensure you get a full ticket refund.

An obscure statute in the Magna Carta from the Burn of 1215 allows anyone to receive a full refund of their ticket to Burning Man.

22. Nullus ticketus amercietur de refundum tenemento suo, nisi secundum modum Burning Man Corp. perfectorum, et non refundum quantitatem beneficii sui event north of Reno.

However time is limited.  The deadline is October 19th – read the instructions below and fill out the form to apply for your refund today.

  1. Attending this past Burning Man 2011, ‘Rites of Passage‘ is a requirement.  If you didn’t attend your chances of getting a refund fall dramatically.
  2. A scanned copy of your ticket stub, DOB and Social Security Number are also required.
  3. Write down a list of what did not go perfectly at the Burn.

Examples of a less than Perfect Burning Man experience are endless but some of the more common are as follows:

a)  Not hooking up with the hot blonde yoga teacher/Australian art school guy you flirted with Monday night next to that cool Flaming Octopus car. Fuck!

b)  Pulled your hamstring on that LOVE installation posing for a picture.  Fuck!


c)  Emergency Cigarette resupply didn’t happened until very late Wednesday Night.  Fuck!

d) Chafed and cut up hands real good Friday night pulling on Charon’s Ropes.  Fuck!

e) Exodus.  Fuck!

f) Japanese Rope Bondage Girl Smoking a Cigarette Cheapened the Whole Experience.  Fuck!

g) Losing your travel-sized toenail clipper.

“Its somewhere inside my Camelback, or is it in my tent? Fuck!”

h) No proper dust storm.  Fuck!

i) Two Hour Wait at Sandpaper Handjob Camp only to discover all you got was a sandpaper handjob and a half frozen pickle.  Double Fuck!

t) Where was all the fucking Trance music?!

If any of this happened to you fill out the below form by October 19th and you will have successfully applied to receive a full refund of your ticket.

There are many fascinating and complex ways in which Burning Man turns out not to be perfect.  Share your experience and gripe with your fellow Burners in the comments section below.

You will be asked for a scanned copy of your ticket stub shortly after submitting the form.

Isn’t getting $300 back in your pocket worth throwing Daddy Consumption some Greenbacks?

Be Generous.

  1. Really? says:

    If anyone seriously gives their SSN of this form they are retarded.

  2. Marc says:

    That would be one accurate way to describe it.

  3. Banana says:

    This is the best request for a donation I’ve ever seen.

  4. Marc says:

    Why thank you sir and or ma’am.

  5. Red Wine says:

    Nothing is perfect…..ah so is life
    Asking for a refund is lame!

  6. John Varn says:

    Hey I did it! Fuck around if you aren’t serious!

    • Marc says:

      Congratulations! Best of luck with your refund, please let the world know if you get one right here at Consumption…

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