Posts Tagged ‘Playa Conditions’

Playa Conditions Report 2022

Posted: October 19, 2022 in Satire
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Not posted until after the Burn so sadly this was no help to you, apologies – ED

“It was desert when we got here, officer.” Larry Harvey, 1991

Who, How, Which Guide 1991
The Burn of 1990


In the absence of humans for the past two years the Black Rock desert has returned to full bloom.  Once upon a time Larry Harvey, Chicken John and other intrepid early Burners left San Francisco to colonize the Greater Gerlach Metropolitan Area (GGMA).  Back in the day it wasn’t a desert but a perfectly preserved Pleistocene era forest complete with Woolly Mammoths.  Beginning their trip in Spring they arrived in Gerlach and started chopping down the forest and hunting the last remaining Mammoths to extinction.  They used the wood to build the first Man and other art structures, the furs and fat from the Mammoth to make warm furry coats decorated with trinkets and to make torches to light the way at night.  Some of these traditions still survive.  But after several Burns the forest did not.  Desertification took hold and the last tree was chopped down in 2007 at Green Man to make the spine of the twice Burned man.  

But now, sadly, its all grown back like a Talking Heads song:

Once there were port-a-potties
Now it’s a peaceful oasis
You’ve got it, you’ve got it

This was a Porn and Eggs
Now it’s all covered with daisies
You got it, you got it

I miss the Jiffy Lubes,
Robot Hearts, and Barbie Death Camp

You got it, you got it  

Bring an axe.  While the Early Arrival crew has been busy chopping down the forest to bring back the desert we all love (thank you!), it won’t be totally cleared. Our location, 8 and E will be about 20% White Spruce.  We’ll cut it down and make cricket bats to gift to our fellow Burners.  There’s nothing quite like the Burner Principles of Immediacy and Radical Self Reliance than clear-cutting the area you will live on with a great team of Bumblers.   

Most wildlife will have fled but some will remain.  Giant Beaver, Musk Ox and Reindeer are sure to be spotted.  Firearms are prohibited so they will need to be hunted with bow and arrow.  
Bikes will be practically useless with all the tree stumps, rotting animal carcasses and other natural detritus creating a bumpy ride – free up some space and leave the bikes at home.  
Bring a jacket. The new ice age is windy, overcast and chilly – it will take several Burns to return the Black Rock to its full platonic version of a desert.  


I look forward to working with you Burners to bring back the natural environs of Black Rock Desert that our Creators and Founders envisioned and made happen with LSD, sweat and chainsaws.

Burning Man 2015: State of the Playa Report

Posted: August 20, 2015 in Burning Man 2015
Tags: , , , ,
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Threats from Above 2015

Gerlach, NV (AP) – In past years the biggest threat to Burners has been the playa surface; rendering bikes, propane tanks and dubstep too dangerous to use.  The playa is fine people.  Bring your bikes.

This year the threat comes from above.  The weather system known as ‘El Nino’ in addition to early signs of the coming apocalypse has ensured that the playa is full of life before you even arrive. 

Green pastures leading to Burning Man = insects.

Green pastures leading to Burning Man = insects.

Flying, feral insect life.  There are insects and bugs everywhere on the playa.  They are known as pentatomids and hemipterans and just plain mosquitos.  They have wings.  There is nothing to eat in the dry alkaline desert – they are hungry for blood. 

They await you: Burners.

Courtesy Reno Burners. They should know. They live this everyday.

Courtesy Reno Burners. They should know. They live this everyday.

Don’t believe Consumptionblog?  Here it is straight from Burning Man: 

And there’s another effect of the unseasonable wetness: Bugs. There are lots of bugs around.

The Good:  These little pestilential buggers are not naturally attracted to humans.  They prefer the pure blood of cattle and jackrabbits that roam the corridors of the 447 highway to Gerlach. 

The Bad: They find the active ingredient in sunscreen irresistible.  Avobenzone and Benzophenone, Titanium dioxide and Zinc oxide are like Chalupas from Taco Bell after you freebase shatter on your shitty cubicle job lunch break.       

Advice:  Don’t waste your money on sunscreen.  It will only do you harm.  Want to protect yourself from the sun and the millions of feral blood sucking insects.  Scrape your sequined daisy dukes in favor burkas and artic onsies.

The Horrible:  These insects are from Central America.  Just ask Donald Trump what that means.  Yeah.  They carry Dengue Fever.  Bone Break Fever isn’t an EDM dance floor hit. It’s not a mediocre hipster band from Los Angeles. 

Dengue Fever.  it’s a disease you’ll be suffering from by about Wednesday.

Advice:  Sell your ticket cheaply and spend the week in Box Elder, MO.  Or Bowling Green, KY or anywhere really.  Just as long as its not called ‘Black Rock Desert’.

So to recap – Pre-Apocalypse Pro El Nino Pestilential Plague from Central America has decided to crash Burning Man.  They are attracted to sunscreen and exposed skin.  Leave your sunscreen at home and pack your burka instead.

The Hot New Playa Fashion

The Hot New Playa Fashion

Fine Print: Satire does not constitute medical or other advice.

Burning Man 2013 – State of the Playa Report

Posted: August 12, 2013 in 2013, BurningMan, Satire
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State of the Playa 2013

Every year the state of the playa surface that provides so much support against the evil forces of gravity present new and interesting challenges to Burners.  2013 is no different.

After persistent thunderstorms the playa finds itself in a condition like 90s pop band flavor of the month Wet Wet Wet.  This is a vast improvement over the playa conditions in 2003 that were deemed by DPW to be ‘Tony! Toni! Toné!‘.  Getting anything heavy into the playa for the Burn will be a challenge without Four Wheel Drive.  Leave your Prius at home.  Mud is reported to be 2 feet deep in areas and was reported to have almost swallowed the SpaceCowboys Unimoog during an ill advised 4th of Juplaya rave.

car-in-wet-playa

The Playa Before it Started Raining

Burning Man is trying it’s admirable best to deal with this situation.  DPW is in the midst of laying down a tremendous amount of cardboard to make the mud more passable.  This may help for those lucky enough to be on early arrival passes, but by the time you regular, non-special Burners are let in Sunday night…well…y’all are fucked.  Be prepared to leave your car on the side of the playa and walk in.  Bring only what you are able to carry on your weak, lily white collegiate backs.

ART! 

 To those setting up art projects out on the playa.  According to emergency regulations just issued by The Artery, ‘Any installation bigger than a breadbox will need rebar anchors no less than the size of a man’s thumb in width and 24″ inches in length’ to prevent your art from sinking irretrievable into one of the thirteen mud encrusted entryways to hell found in Nevada (the other 12 are found in Vegas).

It’s not a Playapocalypse, more like  a Playapocalipso

 Another danger is that that sun will actually come out and bake the mud dry.  This sounds like a great miracle that will save Burning Man from being a muddy morass of dubstep’d mayhem.  But beware Burners!  Danger lies in that there sun.  The playa is made of heavily concentrated alkaline soil.  When soaked in water over a long enough length of time and then exposed to the UV rays of the sun a chemical reaction takes place.  Normally innocent, non-violent soil is turned into a mild explosive when brought into contact with flames for 10 minutes or longer.  Poi and art-based flame affects more than 3 feet off the ground aren’t affected.  However, new emergency regulations issued by The Cookery state:  “Propane cookers and camp stoves without exception are banned with immediate affect.”  The Cookery suggests cooking your bacon, cous cous and potato chips with a dehydrator, solar oven, or just eating out of cans all week like those bro-stepping tourists camped beyond ‘F’.

 Leave your bikes at home! 

With the ubiquitous mud bikes will only slow you down this year.  Hiking boots, moon shoes or just plain old ‘hippie barefoot’ is the recommended mode of transport this year.  Yes Burners, you’ll have to trudge on foot to the 120 dB dubstep before you awkwardly pretend to dance to that arrhythmic aural nonsense.

 That is all, please enjoy your Burn.

Burning Man Playa Condition Report: Not Good

Posted: August 22, 2011 in BurningMan, News
Tags: , , , , ,
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Playa Report 2011.

Black Rock City, NV (CN) – I have received several accounts of the state of the playa surface from my well feed dusty moles in DPW.

It don’t sound good folks.

Over the past decade the playa has slowly decayed from a reliable rock hard surface where Andy “Green Man” Green’s art car ‘Pedal Masher’ broke the land speed record at the Burn of 1997 at 763 mph while 20 guests sipped dusty martinis and danced relentlessly from the roof deck into muck and decay.

DMV Would Never Approve This Now

From my most trusted source in DPW:

“In past years the playa surface resembles a baked brownie crust surface.  This year it resembles a brownie mix still in the mixing bowl – a mixture of mud topped by a frothy Santorum  of gas, PBR and last years Astroglide.  It’s like a swamp.

Don’t even consider bringing a bike unless you plan to turn it into fire art.  The playa is unridable.  Hell, it’s nearly undrive-able.  The higher ups at Burning Man are talking about having people park in Gerlach and be bussed in because so many cars are likely to get stuck in the muck.”

Your best way from Gerlach to BRC?

DPW Source #2

The weather has also been more extreme than usual.  During the day it’s actually humid.  The humidity has brought wildlife back to the playa.  Last night I killed a Atropoides picadoi I found under the wheel well of my  Toyota Tundra.  Speaking of tundra; at night it’s gotten so cold that Trego and Frog Pond hot springs have frozen over.  Think Ecuador in August during the Day, Kiev in January at Night.   I expect most people will leave after a couple days, no matter what humiliating things they had to do to get tickets.  50,000 people my ass! By Thursday more like 5,000.

Do whatever you want fellow Burners but I’ve ditched the bike, bought some hip boots and anti-venom of Craigslist and am hoping just to survive.