State of the Playa 2013

Every year the state of the playa surface that provides so much support against the evil forces of gravity present new and interesting challenges to Burners.  2013 is no different.

After persistent thunderstorms the playa finds itself in a condition like 90s pop band flavor of the month Wet Wet Wet.  This is a vast improvement over the playa conditions in 2003 that were deemed by DPW to be ‘Tony! Toni! Toné!‘.  Getting anything heavy into the playa for the Burn will be a challenge without Four Wheel Drive.  Leave your Prius at home.  Mud is reported to be 2 feet deep in areas and was reported to have almost swallowed the SpaceCowboys Unimoog during an ill advised 4th of Juplaya rave.


The Playa Before it Started Raining

Burning Man is trying it’s admirable best to deal with this situation.  DPW is in the midst of laying down a tremendous amount of cardboard to make the mud more passable.  This may help for those lucky enough to be on early arrival passes, but by the time you regular, non-special Burners are let in Sunday night…well…y’all are fucked.  Be prepared to leave your car on the side of the playa and walk in.  Bring only what you are able to carry on your weak, lily white collegiate backs.


 To those setting up art projects out on the playa.  According to emergency regulations just issued by The Artery, ‘Any installation bigger than a breadbox will need rebar anchors no less than the size of a man’s thumb in width and 24″ inches in length’ to prevent your art from sinking irretrievable into one of the thirteen mud encrusted entryways to hell found in Nevada (the other 12 are found in Vegas).

It’s not a Playapocalypse, more like  a Playapocalipso

 Another danger is that that sun will actually come out and bake the mud dry.  This sounds like a great miracle that will save Burning Man from being a muddy morass of dubstep’d mayhem.  But beware Burners!  Danger lies in that there sun.  The playa is made of heavily concentrated alkaline soil.  When soaked in water over a long enough length of time and then exposed to the UV rays of the sun a chemical reaction takes place.  Normally innocent, non-violent soil is turned into a mild explosive when brought into contact with flames for 10 minutes or longer.  Poi and art-based flame affects more than 3 feet off the ground aren’t affected.  However, new emergency regulations issued by The Cookery state:  “Propane cookers and camp stoves without exception are banned with immediate affect.”  The Cookery suggests cooking your bacon, cous cous and potato chips with a dehydrator, solar oven, or just eating out of cans all week like those bro-stepping tourists camped beyond ‘F’.

 Leave your bikes at home! 

With the ubiquitous mud bikes will only slow you down this year.  Hiking boots, moon shoes or just plain old ‘hippie barefoot’ is the recommended mode of transport this year.  Yes Burners, you’ll have to trudge on foot to the 120 dB dubstep before you awkwardly pretend to dance to that arrhythmic aural nonsense.

 That is all, please enjoy your Burn.

  1. zodak says:

    dubstep sucks

    • Dubstep good. Brostep bad. Don’t confuse the two. Sadly the genre is so confused we need to move the good dubstep to a new genre…. dubwise.

      • Marc says:

        Maybe we could call the good dubstep – progressive lo fi dub garage? – that seems to fit folks like Zomby more than ‘dubstep’

    • nikki2sox says:

      the first byline says the word “satire” in it. so, it’s more of a joke than an exaggeration. Grow a sense of humor, people.

      • Marc says:

        Great name Nikki2sox! Have a great Burn, muddy or not.

      • nikki2sox says:

        Thanks Marc (couldn’t reply to your comment below mine). First time in 12 years I’m taking a few years off. but this made me laugh. Reminds me of the good people of Piss Clear who cracked me up. The line about camp stoves and the alkaline combustion theory was particularly genius. Thanks again!

  2. Catnip says:

    wish you’d leave the ‘jokes’ out of this, sounds like a serious subject and i don’t know what is true and what is not,. some things shouldn’t be joked about, like this. maybe add a paragraph, and keep it ‘real’

  3. ferrous says:

    Who cares if its real, would it really stop you from going? would it ruin your experience? Poor puppy. Do you even burn, bro?

  4. Full misinformation on a site that speak on consumption, SMH.

  5. spoulin23 says:

    I will mot believe this information till the JackRabbit talk about it. @ferrous, when you make more than 5000km to get there, yes, it may change something.

  6. Cakky Evans says:

    Please clarify what you mean by “Bring only what you are able to carry on your weak, lily white collegiate backs.” Are you implying Burners are weak, wear white, and are college students/grads or are of the Caucasian “persuasion?” I am most troubled by my interpretation and respectfully ask for clarification as consistent with our radical inclusion Burner culture.

  7. Maximus says:

    This is on obviously written by a jealous hater lol. What a joke. Idiot x 1000. Obviously does not know that this is a god-send. A hard packed playa is awesome with no dust. You can fly at 20 mph across the desert on your bike.

    And also the Burn is not supposed to be easy. The harsh conditions keep all the wimps and fakes away.

  8. Kuka says:

    Regardless of the weather, “IF YOU BUILD IT THEY WILL COME”

  9. Tony says:

    Guys, guys! Lighten up!! This is mostly satire and meant to make us laugh! No one can do anything about mother nature. If its going to be wet, its going to be wet.

  10. Will Chase says:


  11. U Big Dummy says:

    Anyone that believes this is a fucking idiot. Just about as bad as the morons who think every article on The Onion is real.

  12. Marc says:

    I am overwhelmed by your support and readership of my facts.

  13. Wait til you smell billions of dead freshwater shrimp and decaying dead stuff!

  14. Maximus says:

    Hmmm.. I think this may have been written in the same way that I write about the Burn being a terrible harsh time and a waste money even though I go every year and would not miss it for anything lol.

    This is funny ” Normally innocent, non-violent soil is turned into a mild explosive when brought into contact with flames for 10 minutes or longer.” Lol.

    Funny funny guy 🙂

  15. Valkyrie says:

    Yup, funny!

    I checked this out because my FB buddy was all freaking out! Because of this Blog, I now have good news and bad news…. the good news, I am now your NEW follower on ‘Consumption’. The bad news, I will have to ‘unfriend’ by buddy for being such an idiot.

    • Marc says:

      Valkyrie, I appreciate your ‘unfriending’, there shouldbe more of it in the world. I am also appreciative of your new following…

      • Valkyrie says:

        Come vist me and my man Sherpa at Spanky’s Wine Bar & Village (9:15 & Esplanade) Or Tahoe Twisted, It’s the Big Boat Art Car (2:30 & Biggie Size) ask for Valkyrie… in fact anyone reading this can ask for me at either Village and will get backstage passes… hhahhahahahahhahahah!

      • Marc says:

        ohhh backstage passes, sexy!

  16. Uncle Dave says:

    Har dee har har. Another knee slapping post

  17. […] Burning Man 2013 – State of the Playa Report | CONSUMPTION … […]

  18. Fox says:

    How does the playa look now? anything dries off?

    • Marc says:


      I’ve heard it’s much better, but there are so many rumors out there, it’s hard to now the truth. be prepared for anything.

  19. […] Burning Man 2013 – State of the Playa Report […]

  20. […] Burning Man 2013 – State of the Playa Report […]

  21. […] NV (AP) – In past years the biggest threat to Burners has been the playa surface; rendering bikes, propane tanks and dubstep too dangerous to use.  The playa is fine people.  Bring your […]

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