Archive for the ‘Burning Man 2015’ Category

The threat of a mass outbreak of Dengue Fever on the playa was too severe to ignore.

Gerlach, NV (AP) – This morning the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) ordered the organizers of the annual Burning Man festival to spray the playa with malathion gas insecticide or face canceling the event.  The sun screen lovin’ dengue fever carrying critters that have invaded the playa without tickets were deemed too much of a threat to public health, the economic health of Silicon Valley and the comfort of Burners to let pass naturally.

Upon receiving the orders the event organizers have reluctantly rented two Cessna 188 “AGWagon” crop dusters and on Tuesday night will spray the playa with 760 liters each of malathion.

“Art” duster

“It was that, or cancel the event,” said an unnamed cubicle worker at the Burning Man HQ in Macao. “The threat of a mass outbreak of Dengue Fever on the playa was too severe to ignore.  Can you imagine all those angel investors and start up founders laid up for weeks with Dengue?  It would wreck havoc in Silicon Valley and thus the future of the planet Earth.”

Burning Man hinted at the crop spraying option last week on it’s blog when it said,
“We don’t know how long it will last. Cobra Commander said at the morning meeting that high temperatures will be with us again today, and the hope is that the heat and the dryness will knock down the bug population. “Because otherwise we’re gonna have to nuke the city” to get rid of them.”

Additional spraying during the event is a real possibility if the pestilential pestilence isn’t eliminated the first time.  No warning will be given so as not to achieve widespread panic.

Officials with the Nevada Bureau of Mines and Geology, the agency which governs the use of arial insecticide use in the Silver State said malathion was safe to spray on humans.  “We use it in the mines all the time to combat gold bugs and we’ve received no reports of ill effects on the miners and stuff.”

Burners who expressed concern about the health effects of being sprayed without warning with insecticide are being told to read the back of their ticket.

More News to Follow on this breaking story as we at Consumptionblog receive it.

Fine Print: Satire does not constitute medical or other advice.

mpp header

Hello Burners,

See below for an important message from the
Marijuana Policy Project about the evolving laws around cannabis in
Nevada and how you can prepare and participate.

The Man Burns real soon.

But cops are already hard at work aiming to burn Burners. They’re
on the hunt to bust participants caught with marijuana, saddling them
with a hefty $600 fine and a misdemeanor conviction.  A judge and
prosecutor are even relocated to the playa for the week to promptly
collect fines and process paperwork on site.

But we are improving the Nevada marijuana laws!  If you are a medical
marijuana patient, bring your patient ID card from your home state.
It should protect you from the Nevada state and local cops, due to a
new reciprocity law.  And this year, patients from any state can now
buy marijuana in Nevada dispensaries.  But since Black Rock City is
patrolled by federal rangers, who don’t follow state law, not even
patients are fully protected at the event.

We deserve better. It’s up to all of us to create a more civil
society where marijuana users aren’t targeted, harassed, and
treated like criminals.

At the Marijuana Policy Project, we’re committed to ending state and
federal marijuana prohibition. This change is possible, but
participation is key. We invite you to join us
<>. Please help us promote freedom and
liberty by giving a financial gift toward our efforts.

Together, we can end prohibition.

Thank you,

Rob Kampia
Executive Director
Marijuana Policy Project
Washington, D.C.

P.S. We’re also hard at work managing several ballot initiative
campaigns to tax and regulate marijuana in November 2016 in states like
Arizona, California, and Nevada. With each of these victories,
nationwide legal marijuana will be that much closer. (Please note that
donations to MPP will be used to support MPP generally; donations to MPP
cannot be earmarked for a ballot initiative. If you would like to
support a ballot initiative, please donate to that state’s
ballot campaign committee.)

Threats from Above 2015

Gerlach, NV (AP) – In past years the biggest threat to Burners has been the playa surface; rendering bikes, propane tanks and dubstep too dangerous to use.  The playa is fine people.  Bring your bikes.

This year the threat comes from above.  The weather system known as ‘El Nino’ in addition to early signs of the coming apocalypse has ensured that the playa is full of life before you even arrive. 

Green pastures leading to Burning Man = insects.

Green pastures leading to Burning Man = insects.

Flying, feral insect life.  There are insects and bugs everywhere on the playa.  They are known as pentatomids and hemipterans and just plain mosquitos.  They have wings.  There is nothing to eat in the dry alkaline desert – they are hungry for blood. 

They await you: Burners.
Courtesy Reno Burners. They should know. They live this everyday.

Courtesy Reno Burners. They should know. They live this everyday.

Don’t believe Consumptionblog?  Here it is straight from Burning Man

And there’s another effect of the unseasonable wetness: Bugs. There are lots of bugs around.

The Good:  These little pestilential buggers are not naturally attracted to humans.  They prefer the pure blood of cattle and jackrabbits that roam the corridors of the 447 highway to Gerlach. 

The Bad: They find the active ingredient in sunscreen irresistible.  Avobenzone and Benzophenone, Titanium dioxide and Zinc oxide are like Chalupas from Taco Bell after you freebase shatter on your shitty cubicle job lunch break.       

Advice:  Don’t waste your money on sunscreen.  It will only do you harm.  Want to protect yourself from the sun and the millions of feral blood sucking insects.  Scrape your sequined daisy dukes in favor burkas and artic onsies.

The Horrible:  These insects are from Central America.  Just ask Donald Trump what that means.  Yeah.  They carry Dengue Fever.  Bone Break Fever isn’t an EDM dance floor hit. It’s not a mediocre hipster band from Los Angeles. 

Dengue Fever.  it’s a disease you’ll be suffering from by about Wednesday.

Advice:  Sell your ticket cheaply and spend the week in Box Elder, MO.  Or Bowling Green, KY or anywhere really.  Just as long as its not called ‘Black Rock Desert’.

So to recap – Pre-Apocalypse Pro El Nino Pestilential Plague from Central America has decided to crash Burning Man.  They are attracted to sunscreen and exposed skin.  Leave your sunscreen at home and pack your burka instead.

The Hot New Playa Fashion

The Hot New Playa Fashion

Fine Print: Satire does not constitute medical or other advice.