CONSUMPTION BLOG

BurningMan 2011 News Now

Gerlach, NV – Tea Party Comrades have started organizing in earnest for this years 2011 BurningMan festival. On sites like Townhall, Red State, and Free Republic Tea Party Burners are planning a large theme camp named “Oolong It Don’t Take a Village”. Lead organizer Tommy T-Baggin’ said they expect over 300 Oolong’ers this year.

On the message boards of the nascent Burning Teabagger’s websites a push is gaining momentum to out ‘The Man’ as being foreign born and thus is ineligible to be burnt, exploded, and otherwise destroyed on Bureau of Land Management terra firma under an obscure law championed by 19th Century Kentucky Senator and neo-trade unionist Tuckerite Cassius Clay. If successful the Oolongs would achieve a major coup. The Man has only not been burnt once right after the Bonfire of the Vanities consumed all Burnable Goods in Italy shortly before the infamous Florentine Burn of 1497 where Machiavelli was eaten alive Burn Night as the best possible alternative.

One Oolong Burner ‘Dusty Earl’ reached by Skype was asked why they would want to stop the Man from being Burnt after all these milennia of decadent immolation and Trance music. “Burning Man has been run by a small cabal of goths and hippies.” Said Dusty, “with a foreign born 5th Steel column being right at the center literally and figuratively.”

“These Jacobians claim to be for the future, they claim to be in favor of the towns in the surrounding area – if that’s the case then why is Empire being shut down?” frothed the Earl. “Why will I have to get my Campbells’ Chunky Beef Soup in Reno? Why will I have to find a way to keep my Boca Burgers frozen all the way from Fernley? Do you know how fucking hot it is on the playa?! Why Why Why!!!” he wailed as his scratchy internet Skype call slowly faded like Mazzy Star’s mid-1990s success.

Tea Party Oolongers’ first arrived at BurningMan in 2010 and were immediately boosted by the successful outing of Larry Harvey as having been born in Transnistria or the Pridnestrovian Moldavian Republic for those lacking the gift of brevity rather than Terre Haute, Indiana as Harvey claimed when he ran for the first and only time to become Supreme Overlord of BurningMan in a supremely undemocratic election during an orgy/Alsatian cabinet making session on Baker Beach in 1962. Harvey has since retired and is rumored to live in a dacha on the Black Sea where he runs a human trafficking syndicate and participates in an Old Church Slavonic mens Choir every Saturday Night.

Chief Oolong pre-Playa organizer Dusty Duke said Ooloong It Don’t Take a Village will be run on liquid coal airlifted in daily on a C-130 from West Virginia. The main community event of Oolong will be the dumping of several tons of processed frozen TV Dinners on the playa at Noon Thursday in a historic re-enactment of the Revolutionary Era Tea Party Protest. A spokesperson for the Earth Guardians talking to this reporter on condition of animosity said they plan a counter protest of the event dressed up as Redcoats delivering musket fire involving re-used organic wild harvested lead in the general direction of the Oolongers.