Posts Tagged ‘Burning Man 2012’

Washoe County, NV (CN) – In a late night action Black Rock Rangers raided the OccupyBurners camp in the former town of Empire.  There were no reports of injuries or violence during the raid.

After a brief, intense Roman Candle Battle between OccupyBurners and BRC Rangers 26 Burners were turned over to the Washoe County Police for deportation to a dodgy casino in Carson City.  An estimated 50 other Burners began a 10 hour Exodus to the Grand Sierra Resort in Reno to begin Post-Occupation Decompression [POD] and catch a show by techno act Pretty Lights.

A spokesperson for Washoe County Sheriff Department talked to Consumptionblog after the raid.

Why was the raid conducted?:

“We removed the Burners for their own good – it’s cold out there, their domes are not up to winter in the high desert.  Crotchless pink jeans and burn barrels just don’t cut it.”

Why did you employ volunteer Black Rock Rangers to go in first?

“We saw what happened at UC Davis.  A lot of our officers look like Lt. Pike.  Some are even related.  There was no way we were going in there with force to remove Burners.  We contacted the Burning Man folks and they said there were plenty of Alpha Hippie Rangers who would take time off work, gather their carabines, khaki and buttons and impose order where it was needed.”

A handful of Burners had begun Occupation of the hamlet of Empire, NV after the 2011 Burn.  Empire had been abandoned earlier in the year after US Gypsum Corp. closed down operations at the gypsum mine as the housing market left it’s mortal coil.  Gypsum is the main ingredient in drywall, a key component to building shit like houses.

A SpokesBurner for OccupyEmpire ‘Gypsum Rose’ answered questions via Twitter during Exodus.

“#ows We are the 99% of Washoe County #occupyburners #occupyempire”

“We demanded the 1% of Washoe County return to Gypsum Mining #ows #occupyburners”

“Burners Built some awesome domes, a library, communal kitchen in Empire.  Comfort and Joy donated a gym. #occupyempire #ows”

“The new #lottery system benefits only the rich Burners #BurningMan #OWS”

“Rangers are now officially worse than Placement #BurningMan #OWS #OccupyBurningMan”

“We don’t want to go back to Oakland.  #oo #OWS #MrFloppysFlophouse”

It’s rumored that the ruins of Empire will be used as a home for wild horses being brought in to replace DPW at the 2012 Burn.

Update: Confirmed!

BURNING MAN 2012 BREAKING NEWS!

Gerlach, NV (CN) – A trusted anonymous source within the Burning Man machine has just told Consumption News that starting in 2012 Wild Horses will replace all human DPW staff. If true the equus based move will be seen as only slightly less controversial than the move to a NFL Draft style lottery to distribute tickets.

Wild Horses stream towards Gerlach to submit job application

It’s believed that the equine outsourcing is in line with the long predicted 2012 theme announced last week:

Burning Man 2012 Theme: ‘Wild West’

Consumption News investigative journalists are hard at work gathering more facts about these two breaking developments.  At press time no one at Burning Man would go on record.  Until we can get more facts it would be irresponsible to speculate further.

Stay Tuned to Consumptionblog.com for more details as they break.

Tenderloin District, San Francisco (CN) – Many Burners would be hard pressed to name any similarities between the National Football League (NFL) and Burning Man.  However that’s all about to change.  In an effort to alleviate last years chaos that engulfed San Francsico in riots when Burning Man sold out of tickets without warning the governing Board of Directors have taken a page from the NFL playbook.

Starting in 2012 all 50,000 Burners to be granted tickets to Nevada’s 5th largest stadium north of Reno will have to make themselves eligible for an NFL style draft.

“With its well known connections to the Mob, Sparkle Pony Fans, and heavy use of performance enhancing drugs by the participants, known as ‘players’ the NFL was a natural model for Burning Man to emulate,” said event founder Larry Harvey at a press conference announcing the move.

Sparkle Hogs at Skins Burn of 2010

The 17 members of Burning Man Corp.’s Board of Directors will pick Burner draftees in order of preference until all of the available tickets are distributed.

‘The new NFL Draft ticket distribution modality makes the whole process simpler and based on meritocracy as judged by me and 16 other awesome Burners.” said Board of Director and popular NPR Fresh Air’ hostess Terry Gross.

“Like the NFL we’ve taken steps to make sure the draft happens quickly, without too much second guessing and speculation and live on ESPN.”

Burning Man Draft 2012 Rules:

1. All those interested in entering the Burning Man draft fill out a simple ‘baseball card’ style application process with valid credit card number by January 5th.

2. After being printed the cards are randomly distributed by a professional Vegas Poker Dealer to the 17 Board of Directors who shall be seated at a large round table.  After a designated time of no more than one hour the Directors will each pick a #1 Burner Draft Pick (BDP) from their respective piles.

3. The #1 Burner Draft Picks of each Burning Man Corp. Director will be awarded the right of ”’primae noctis” with any virgin Burners they choose during the event.

4. After the #1 Burner Draft Picks are paraded in the front of the media, the Board of Directors will be locked in a conference room at the Grand Sierra Resort for no less than one month.   The remaining 49,883 Burners will be drafted based on a combination of the rules of proportional representation used to elect members of the Israeli Knesset and the card-based role playing game Magic: The Gathering.

It's as Simple as it is Exciting

5. Exceptions to the draft are French Electronic Duo Daft Punk, Chicken Jon, anyone with the word ‘dusty’ in their playa name and Barack and Michele Obama. These beloved Burners automatically get gifted tickets.

6. Those who qualify for discount or scholarship tickets after being drafted will be required to de-moop DISTRKT and the other large Sound Camps for one week after the event ends.

7. Finally, depending on what your draft number is, how many Burns you can prove you’ve been to as well as who on the Board drafts you will determine where you are allowed to camp and what day you can arrive at the event North of Reno.  This is based on a mathematical formula some DPW folks came up during a weekend bender at Bruno’s Country Club.

Example: Mary Jane Playa Crotch is a five time Burner and is drafted #23,614 by Chip Conley 14 days  and three hours into the draft.  This determines that Mary Jane will be camping with Comfort and Joy and will be allowed to arrive no earlier than Wednesday of the event.  Her credit card is then charged, she is notified via e-mail and Board Members move on to Draft Pick #23,615.

“No one said being on the Board of Directors is all Bacon and Jiffy Lube,” said Made Marian, long time Burner and Burning Man’s Organized Crime Liaison.  “But we believe the process will be thorough, Byzantine, and mind numbingly comprehensive.”

Speculation has already begun on who will be the #1 Draft Pick. Early betting in Vegas currently has five time Burner, Yoga Instructor and tribal hipster known only as ‘Ashley’ as the 3 to 5 favorite.

I  ♥ the NFL Draft

“I can tell you who won’t be the #1 Pick,” said ESPN Burning Man Analyst Little Spoon.  “Tim Couch and JaMarcus Russell that’s who.  While they have great playa names, if you can’t hack it in the NFL you certainly can’t hack it at one of the harshest environments on earth.”

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