Posts Tagged ‘Satire’

Two recent Reality Shows have demonstrated the limited use of horses during the Zombie Apocalypse.

The first was late last year 2010 during Episode Two when Sheriff Rick rode a horse into Atlanta, recently nicknamed by TimeOut as ‘Zomblanta’ – the second witnessed just today in Cairo.

Situational Analysis One – The Walking Dead:

Benefits: The Horse was very useful for speedy transport on the open, deserted roads that are now a hallmark of traffic patterns in Atlanta.

The horse are easy to maneuver through abandon car traffic jams. They are also easy relative to cars re-fuel with lots of readily available food sources.  Unlike gassing up a car you aren’t limited to gas stations of unknown gas supplies where there is likely to be lots of debris, rotting corpses, and of primary concern – zombies.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Negatives:

Zombies love eating horses – horses get spooked around zombies and you risk being dismounted.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Situational Analysis Two: Mounted Mubarrak Zombie Charge

During the middle slog of Aquarius 2011 we’ve seen larger and more symmetric warfare between bands of humans and and army of zombies roughly translated from Arabic as the ‘Mubarraks’.

In a surprising demonstration of zombie intelligence, teamwork and toolmaking the undead Mubarraks used horses and camels to charge their living enemies.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Benefits:

When used in groups down large avenues the use of horses and camels are an impressive, scary and surreal show of force and intimidation.

Negatives:

If you are dismounted – get ready for the ass kicking of a life time.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DvO6jdGUwoo

Conclusion: Overall horses, camels, asses, mules, jackasses, domesticated zebras and other ridable four legged friends are a good resource to have on hand.  Use them for transport, resupply, and tactical withdrawal.  However horses are not recommended for use by humans or zombies during direct confrontation as horses get freaked out by zombies and once you are dismounted – well, it’s not even worth considering.

I'm on a Boat

This is the new $32 Million Dollar Rainbow Warrior III about to be set loose on the seas. It will cost several million dollars a year to run.

Am I the only one who would like to see the expense of this oceanic vehicle payed for by I’m on a Boat!leasing it out to rappers and rock stars to shoot ridiculous, misogynistic music videos on?

To me this sounds a lot better than sending scary fundraisers out to old ladies telling them whales will die unless they send $20.

Rap and Rock videos of a sexy, fantastical nature are also much more in parallel with the unstated raison dêtre of this vessel:

Testosterone induced chest puffing.

Rainbow Warrior III’s secret agenda – be the metrosexual counterpart to those angry Goths from Whale Wars.

Unlike the Sea Shepard and like the Bush administration you won’t find an inch of black on the RW III – in the crew or the engine. You’ll find the RW III sitting in a far flung marina bar decked out in Izod wooing some 21 year old Peace Corp babe with it’s extensive knowledge of the hottest new World Music out of Bulgaria and sly remarks about how Paul Watson has really let him self go in the past few years.

I’ll see you aboard baby – and make mine a free range organic Mai Tai.