Archive for the ‘Satire’ Category

Greenpeace & Beefboard Join Forces to Stop Lab Meat

Posted: July 5, 2011 in News, Satire
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Omaha, NE – (CN) Greenpeace and the Cattleman’s Beef Board today announced the formation of  ‘MeatPeace’ as a vehicle to stop meat grown in laboratories from reaching American plates.

The fear of God was placed in both organizations by a new study from scientists at Oxford and Amsterdam University that found viable lab grown meat ‘would reduce greenhouse gases by up to 96% in comparison to raising animals. The process would require between 7% and 45% less energy than the same volume of conventionally produced meat such as pork, beef, or lamb, and could be engineered to use only 1% of the land and 4% of the water associated with conventional meat.’

Cattleman President Jim McGrit  at a joint press conference with Greenpeace announcing the coalition denounced lab meat in stark terms, “Frankenmeats have no place as part of the American diet.  America without cattle is no America at all.  We believe Meatpeace is an innovative way to saving America and cattle.  You’re welcome.”

Citing concerns that lab meat wasn’t natural, Greenpeace spokesperson Labia McVey invoked the spiritual, “We should only eat what has been bequeathed upon us from mother Gaia.  I mean the Bible pretty clearly states in John 1:3 – Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. And by Him they don’t mean some fucking scientist with a petri dish.”

At the press conference representatives of the Cattleman’s Beef Board and Greenpeace exchanged a cowboy hat and bottle of Dr. Bronners as a symbolic gesture before cutting on the ribbon on Meatpeace’s first project; a slaughterhouse.

The rainbow colored solar powered zero omission abattoir inaugurated as ‘Slice of Life’ was designed by Austrian torture artist Josef Fritzl was co-funded by both groups.

Greenpeace Approved Beef Flows from 'Slice of Life'

After the press conference Greenpeace Semi-Lead Consensus Co-Chair and new Meatpeace Co-Roaster  Hawkeye Yellowbelly joined the Beefmen for a dinner emanating meat.

Yum! It's what you need to Consume for Dinner.

With bits of throbbing gristle flying from his mouth after devouring a 1/4 pound Kobe beef burger topped with bacon, bleu cheese, organic arugula, and red onions on a freshly baked ptotato roll Hawkeye screamed “This fucking hamburger is fucking amazing – I can’t fucking believe I ate fucking lentils for 30 fucking year – what the fuck was I fucking thinking…fuck!”
After the press conference Greenpeace activists faced off with the PETA Youth Crew in the parking lot.  “I’d rather kill than eat frankenmeat” was overheard before shots rang out in the worst gang violence Nebraska had experienced since the signing of the Magna Carta.  Freegans swarmed the scene later to consume any free fixin’s left from the melee.

Arabs Protest 9/11 Truth Conference

Posted: July 4, 2011 in News, Politics, Satire
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‘Yes We Can Do It’ Arabs Protest 9/11 Truther’s Conference

Fairfield, IA – (CN)  Thousands of Arabs, left wing activists and their enablers raged in fury today at a conference of 9/11 Truth conspiracy theorists with a simple message, ‘Yes We Can Do It.’

A couple dozen 9/11 Truthers  had gathered in the small town of Fairfield in Jeffferson County, Iowa expecting to go unnoticed as they planned strategy for the upcoming 9/11 Anniversary which organizers noted in the open plenary, ‘It’s no coincidence that 9/11 just happens to fall on September 11th – don’t you think that’s just a little weird?’  However the biggest shock to the conference attendees wasn’t the date but the several thousand protestors there to greet them.

The message of the protestors was seen on dozens of signs: ‘Yes We Can Do It’.  A spokeperson for the protestors Christine O’Donnell in full burka addressed the press.

“Arabs are more than capable and competent of committing simple acts of terrorism without help from the West.  Don’t get me wrong, Osama bin Laden, Mohammed Atta and that whole crew were turbo assholes, but Arabs can fly planes and work some box cutters without having to dial up a bunch of schmucks at Langley thank you very much.”

Another protestor Mohammed al-Rashid holding the sign displayed below angrily denounced the 9/11 Truthers. “These neo-con 9/11 conspiracy nuts are an example of Edward Said’s Orientalists critique on crack. I half expect to see Bernard Lewis’s ugly mug pop out of the meeting room.”

Conference Conspiracy Conferee Chris Cattaloni in line for a Cumin flavored Cucumber Kabob at Everybody’s Wholefoods Market in downtown Fairfield was overheard complaining, “It’s like half the town of Al-Hareeq came out to give us shit, what the fuck?”

Lead Conference organizer  and Fairfield resident John ‘Grey Ghost’ Mosby when asked for comment remarked, “Generally we are the ones protesting, so this is a bit unusual.  We also aren’t used to the press, so that’s nice I guess.  I feel bad for the town of Fairfield, they aren’t used to a whole bunch of outsiders flooding into town.”
The conference was scheduled to end tonight with a double screening of Zombie Apocalypse classic End Civ and David Lynch’s 2001 film, ‘Mulholland Dr.’

Stephen Fries Up Irish Presidential Election

Posted: June 29, 2011 in News, Satire
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Dublin (CB) – Political Pundits across Ireland are saying famous British comedian and actor Stephen Fry may just have tipped the scales of the October Irish Presidential elections.  Yesterday on Twitter Fry endorsed Senator David Norris causing online bookmaker Paddy Power to put Norris as the 3 to 5 odds on frontrunner.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“You know what the endorsement of a prominent Cambridge educated gay Englishman does for your chances in Ireland,” Irish political blogger Paddy McCann wrote moments after Fry’s Tweet.  “Can you say ‘Winner’?”

David Norris is a prominent Irish civil rights campaigner and has been elected to the Irish Senate or Seanad Éireann from the Dublin University constituency since 1987.

A local brickie from the Tallaght neighborhood of South Dublin was asked what he thought of Fry’s endorso-tweet.  “I hate the fucking English, I voted Sinn Féin in the last election.  But Fry?  He’s a national treasure, Norris has got me vote now for sure.”

The Irish Presidential race is shaping up to be a crowded one with a diverse range of candidates from Boutros Boutros Ghali to Barry Glendenning vying for the largely ceremonial role.

The successful endorsement of Irish politicians by gay Englishmen is not without precedent.  In 1989 Erasure’s lead singer Andy Bell’s endorsement of Charles Haughey’s is generally credited with Fianna Fáil’s 77 seat victory in the Taoiseach.

Dennis Hopper Joins White House Press Corp.

Posted: June 19, 2011 in News, Politics, Satire
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Washington, DC – A spokesperson for President Obama announced today that Dennis Hopper had joined the Whitehouse Press Corp.   Although the noted actor and photojournalist had covered President Obama in his Chicago community organizing days the announcement came as a surprise as Hopper had been considered retired from this mortal coil for over a year.

When reached for comment Hooper said Obama approached him personally in the hallway and requested he take the job.

“I didn’t think he even noticed me,” exclaimed Hopper with a manic look and smell of death.   “And suddenly he grabbed me, and he threw me in a corner, and he said, “Do you know that ‘if’ is the middle word in life? If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you, if you can trust yourself when all men doubt you”… I mean I’m… no, I can’t… I’m a little man, I’m a little man, he’s… he’s a great man! ”

Appearing on a weekend political discussion show no one watches, George Will asked him what the first question he would put the president.  After snapping a couple close ups of a clearly shaken Will he responded, “Hey, man, you don’t question the Community Organizer. You listen to him. The man’s enlarged my mind. He’s a poet warrior in the classic sense.”

Many on the right including media mogul, dispassionate critic of Barack Obama and five time Rollerblade champion Andrew Breitbart attacked the appointment.  “I mean sure he’s more informed though certainly less handsome than Jake ‘The Tapeworm’ Tapper but what next, letting Al Jazeera in the White House?

Hopper’s ghostly apparition appeared next to Breitbart while he was speaking to the press about Hopper’s appointment.

“Why? Why would a nice guy like you want to dispassionately criticize  a Community Organizing genius? Feeling pretty good, huh? Why?

“Wait, what are you doing here?” stammered Breitbart.

“Do you know that the man really likes you? He likes you. He really likes you. But he’s got something in mind for you. Aren’t you curious about that? I’m curious. I’m very curious. Are you curious? There’s something happening out here, man.”

“Where, suburban Los Angeles?”

“You know something, man? I know something you that you don’t know. That’s right, Jack. The man is clear in his mind, but his soul is mad. Oh, yeah. He’s dying, I think. He hates all this. He hates it! But the man’s a…He reads poetry out loud, all right. And a voice…he likes you because you’re still alive. He’s got plans for you.”

“What’s the Mau Mau got in store for me,” Breitbart quivered with all the courage he could muster.  “And the name is Andrew or Andy like Andy Bell if you prefer.”

“No, I’m not gonna help you,” Hopper intoned.  “You’re gonna help him, man. You’re gonna help him. I mean, what are they gonna say when he’s gone? ‘Cause he dies when it dies, when it dies, he dies! What are they gonna say about him? He was a kind man? He was a wise man? He had plans? He had wisdom? Bullshit, man! And am I gonna be the one that’s gonna set them straight? Look at me! Look at me! Wrong! You!”

At a surreal press conference Whitehouse Spokesperson Jay Carney was asked by David Corn to comment on allegations surrounding Hopper’s Mortality.  An Oxygen-tank masked Carney threw a question right back at him “What kind of beer you like Corn?”

“Heineken.”

“Heineken? Fuck that shit! Pabst Blue Ribbon!”

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