Archive for the ‘BurningMan’ Category

Dear Burning Man,

I just returned from attending the Burning Man Festival of 2024.  My experience was an enthusiastic ‘meh‘ on most levels, or as the Ukrainians might say, “It was fine.”  In accordance with the policies spelled out on the back of my ticket I’d like to request a refund for the face value of $585 US dollars, instructions below.  No need to refund the service fees, taxes or other extras.  

This was my 16th Burn and I’ve requested 10 refunds, so far to no avail and no response from Burning Man’s vaunted customer service call and letter center in Fresno.  Let me tell you what you did wrong in a few simple examples illustrating thousands of other profound flaws at the event.

Pequeña 

I personally felt unsafe and attacked by the ‘Pequeña’ art piece whenever I was within 4 inches of it.  That’s not right!  I know art is supposed to challenge but such a blunt high potassium instrument was just too much to bear.  

Traffic Cone – Did not divert traffic of any kind in any way.  In fact it attracted traffic.   When I tried to sideswipe the cone to knock it over with my Art Car, per tradition, it ended in failure.  

The traffic cone was not authentic; made not of rubber but wood.  It smelled like wood when it burnt rather than rubber and that is an opportunity lost.  If you’ve ever been backpacking around Southeast Asia, the sight and smell of a tire fire burning for the whole 3 months you are exploring the area is a unique experience that we were denied. 

Dust Puddles – “…and the dusty malady lingers on…” for years Burning Man has had the technology to make dust puddles on the playa a thing of the past.   We’ve supposedly put men on the moon but can’t solve dust puddles, My GOD!  

Dust puddles, especially deep playa in the middle of the night, are a menace to all Burners attending the event and art car drivers in particular complain endlessly. And for good reason, it can ruin your Burn!  (it certainly did mine) The only half hearted attempt to address it was the ‘Dust Vacuum’ art piece in 2009 that received a grant from the org and failed to collect any dust after catastrophic failure early in the event. 

We weren’t even in Barstow and the drugs hadn’t kicked in yet…”

Short Man Burn – Tell me, is The Man getting older and needs to be a pile of ashes before 10:30pm or he gets grumpy?  Did the new season of Matlock start and The Man needed to see episode 2? WTF!?  The Burn came in well under an hour.  We weren’t even in Barstow and the drugs hadn’t kicked in yet goddammit.  This was a speedy record that nobody wanted. (see the chart below.)  I can only suspect that the Burning Man betting app that allowed people to live bet on how long the Man would stand was manipulated by DPW for their own personal enrichment/ending their non-voluntary #vanlife.  Tell me just what exactly I was supposed to do on Burn Night after the Man fell before 10pm? Go home and read a book by fire!!?

Burn YearThemeLength of Burn until Man fell
2007Green Man4 days 23 hours
2008Great American Financial Crisis4 years 3 days 2 hours
2009Biblical Creationism130,000 years
2010Secret Life of Cities a Netflix documentary seriesSix 30 minute episodes
2011Rites of PassageThe longest bar mitzvah you’ve ever attended
2012Fertility9 months
2013Kargo KultNo sleep till Brooklyn

You get the idea
2024Bi-Curious47 minutes – WTF!

I could go on but you can clearly see my complaints are real and valid.  I hope you can use this information to better improve the event for attendees in the Burn’s final year of 2025.

A full refund in cash money in any of the major currencies is acceptable – please remit to:

Marc Bumble

415 Laurel St. #343

San Diego, CA 92101

Ahoy there Burners!

Join me in song for this year’s Burn with a classic Sea Shanty written by Larry the Sailor Man after his poorly built ship wrecked on Baker Beach in 1986.

Blow the Man Down

Verse

“As I was a-walking down Paradise Street,

A pretty young sparkle pony I chanced for to meet.

She had whisky on her breath and Alo Yoga on her waist,

And I took in my hands a few minutes to waste.

Chorus:

Blow the man down, Burners!, blow the man down!

To me way hay, blow the man down!

Blow the man down, Burners!, blow the man down!

Set fire to thee and blow the man down!

Verse

She said, “I can dance, I can sing, I can play,

And if you will playa-marry me, I’ll hula-hoop all damn day.”

But I said, “My little pony, I must exodus, I can’t stay,

For I’m bound for the Reno GSR and I’m sailing away.”

Chorus:

“Blow the man down, Burners! blow the man down!

To me way hay, blow the man down!

Blow the man down, Burners!, blow the man down!

Set fire to thee and blow the man down!”

I confess I’ve sung that countless times on the playa and it never gets old.

As you’ll recall in 2023 the Theme of the Burn was ‘Noah’s Ark’.  Attendees were expecting the amazing Canuck Trojan Horse of 2011 or thought it was a metaphor about all coming together in community to save the future of humanity through workshops, drugs and zipties.   

No one took it literally. 

Instead, what the Bman organization provided as stated on the back of your ticket (if only you’d just read it) was a deluge of water not out of place in the Old Testament or Portland. 

The logistical and engineering feat of collecting, storing and releasing trillions of decalitres of water in underground caches on the Ranch will be studied for decades.  

The media flipped the fuck out.  

Burners took it all in stride.

Today as I return home to the playa what do I find? 

The Theme should tell you all you need to know?

This year the playa is as tranquil and peaceful as I’ve seen it in years.  After the deluge the Sea has finally returned to the playa after thousands of years of rampant procrastination. 

Imagine waking up in your hexayurt to the sound of birdsong, the croak of frogs and the gentle lap of waves against your art-boat/barge/yacht.  You check the gill nets you set the night before to see if you’ve caught any pike or perch to gift for: 

Camp Pelican Lake’s Friday Nights Fuzzy Navel Fish Fry.  (8:23 & T)

After making a cup of coffee you sit with a campmate and dip your feet in the water.  It’s warm and at an average depth of only 18 metres, not too deep.  The Tantric Scuba workshop at Camp The Bends was a highlight of yesterday afternoon.  You and your friend peruse Rockstar Yellow Submarine to see who is playing Thursday night at White Ocean Cruises and…

‘Wow, it’s a Banger, lets get pilled up for this!’

  • Billy Ocean b2b Hall & Boats
  • John Aquaviva
  • Scum Frog
  • The Lonely Island
  • Paavo from Below and Beyond
  • Sunrise set from Primus

A few quick addendums to the Survival Guide.  DO bring a personal flotation device.  DO NOT BRING YOUR BIKE unless it’s a paddle bike. 

MOOP and LNT will be difficult this year – a sump pump and pool nets on long polls are a must for your floating camp and/or village or endure the wrath of the Eco-Guardian Navy.

Narcotics, hallucinogens, various GLP-1s and even nicotine have always been popular at Burning Man but consider a psychedelic refresh in line with the theme.  This year I recommend your night time fun stack look something like this:

Enjoy yourselves Burners, it’s a whole new playa out there, exciting and new.  

Maybe be safe if you want, but no pressure and stuff.

From all indications Acid Monday at Burning Man is going to be a wet one with huge reserves of dusty mud, sinkholes and artboats.  In honor of the more nautical nature of Burning Man 2023 and specifically for the first full day of the event you may be attending known formally as Acid Monday I present to you ‘Acid on Sea’ from 2006.

Enjoy your Acid Monday irresponsibly as possible.

A set inspired by Rum, Sodomy and the Lash

Acid Monday Music Set:

This man will be your DJ on Monday
Someone gifted Hurricane Hilary a ticket to Burning Man 2023

Ahoy Burners!

Sometimes the Playa Conditions Report writes itself – I had  a hurricane in mind when imagining the conditions that will greet Burners on the playa this year.  Does this make me Playa Nostradamus?  Probably.  But as you’ll see, I wasn’t the only one who predicted a hurricane in the forecast for TTITD 2023.  

The aftermath of the hurricane will be one huge salt lake, giving Burning Man a nautical aspect for the first time in many decades.  Are you prepared?

My advice: Leave your bikes at home 

Have you ever rode a bike through a desert in a hurricane?  Me neither.  Because you can’t.  The wind and rain will blow you and your useless bike over into a thick morass of playa mud from which you may never escape like a volcanic explosion at Pompeii.

pompeii Burner.png
The Burn of 79 CE…it was a good Burn!

In celebration of the newly arrived oceanic nature of the Burn I will be uploading a nautical based acid house mix shortly for Acid Monday – stay tuned for the link.

Nautical facts about Burning Man you probably didn’t know:

Old Grimey, the amazing Art Car for NectarVillage was Dreamed up, Designed and Built by the totally awesome Chris Crazy Fart Box. In its original form before it came to the playa it was a small boat Chris salvaged from the SF Harbor and brought to his bonded warehouse near the docks.  That’s why the driver of Grimey always has to wear a Captain’s hat at all times. The hardest part of building Grimey was putting wheels on it and a car engine.  But it is still seaworthy and in past Burns, right at dawn, it demonstrated its magical ability to float above the playa.  If things get really out of hand with the Burner Hurricane of 2023, Old Grimey will be a great art boat to be aboard. 

Something or rather someone at camp should also give you hope:  Vice-Admiral Soup.  Soup attended the Naval Academy in Annapolis and is a master sailor who eats hurricanes for breakfast.  He practically lives on the water in the salty port town of Sausalito.  Have you been to the grotto in his house?  It’s amazing.  He sails everyday to SF for his job in the HMS Salty Soup.  It’s little wonder he is in charge of navigating the event this year for the BMORG Corp.

It’s also noteworthy that the Temple this year is based on the myth of Noah’s Ark and if you look on a map of the playa it has no fixed address this year.

Like any good Burner, I have no idea what the theme of this years Burn is and with the exception of 2007 can’t remember any theme but when I saw a mock up of the Man this year it certainly raised an eyebrow or three with me:

Burning Man.png

The Man 2023 [pictured above] currently being built on the playa by Fire Boy and a dedicated crew of metalsmiths and undersea welders.

Finally I think most veteran Burners will agree with me on the following: Of my top 10 experiences ever at the Burn, I was wet for seven of them.  So enjoy the hurricane Burners and don’t forget your flippers.

Bumble!

Marc Bumble

Bumblers,

Please read the following history of Bumblepuss – we are coming up on two decades of Bumblepuss and it’s important that those of you who have only been camping with Bumble since 2015 (or even later!) know and appreciate our storied history.

A quick history of the origins of Bumblepuss and couches…and I swear this is actually, mainly true according to my Burner diary/journal I keep from each Burn.

Close your eyes dear Bumble and remember back to the simpler times of 2007.  Life was good.  The iphone was not yet upon us.  ‘Umbrella’ by Rihanna was making us feel gratitude for just being alive.  There were a mere 47,097 Burners.  The French were on strike.  I drank beer and had a myspace account. 

The Burn of 2007 was a tumultuous affair called ‘Green Man’ because it made most people sick. The Man was Burned twice, first on Monday by ‘the last true Burner’, Paul Addis, who would go on to perform his last piece of art on San Francisco’s troubled public transport system. 

Last True Burner

Soup and myself might have had something called an Art Car crash caused by a technical malfunction that sent someone to the hospital in Reno.  As far as we know he lived but he could be dead now, it was a long time ago.  The art car in question, Sage-N-ator (2007) nee Satreheddron (2003, 2005) was designed and built originally by a pyromaniac engineer named Docktor Random who designed fire suppression sprinkler systems for a living (I swear to God this is true).  At a small decompression party in San Diego he once tried to set a beach on fire using old christmas trees and homemade explosives.  The beach won but by the narrowest of margins.  He was probably not a great engineer to rig an RV to be driven from the roofdeck.  Safety third blah blah blah…

Our humble narrator found himself washing dishes during the 2007 Temple Burn in the notorious indentured labor camp known ironically as HBGB “Healers” (These people should be avoided).  Soup was completely fried as well by the HBGB experience. Something needed to change or that was going to be the last Burn.  On a 15 hour ride to the much missed official decompression party at the Grand Sierra Soup and I decided to do something different.  We thought – ‘hey lets have less work and stress for ourselves by creating a Village and the Camp we’ll create and live in within the Village will do practically nothing but seem really important and cool.’  2008 rolls around and after a shabbat service in Berkeley where our idea was blessed by a rabbi and given the name ‘Bumblepuss’ we started on our path to create the Camp and Village you know and love.

True to our original sleep-deprived vision on HWY 447 in 2007 all these many years later Bumblers still do very little besides avoid the hot midday sun, slap goats, eat food, tell jokes and consume drugs.  This is a good thing.

The blessed free couches of 2008

One of the biggest pre-playa tasks we had to do for a new Camp and Village was to plan and obtain all the infrastructure needed.  Much of the original infrastructure from the “condos” to the kitchen and lounge pole structure and even much of the kitchen equipment, chairs and storage was purchased, donated or stolen in 2008.  The fact that it still exists and provides you Bumblers with shade and bacon to this very day is a dusty miracle. 

Bumble dues that first year of 2008 were only $50 per person (inflation eh?!)  and our diet consisted mainly of bacon, hummus and Costco burgers.  Thankfully the angry Burner Gods were looking down upon us and shook their fists and blessed us with the Great Financial Crisis for without the GFC Nectarvillage would not have been possible.  

We obtained a temporary storage unit in Oakland and slowly built up our inventory of infrastructure over the summer leading up to the Burn.  But one of the biggest challenges was how do you get a bunch of couches for lazy Bumblers that are comfy and of a high quality but on a very very limited budget?  

During the GFC lots of bad people were being punished by losing their homes. 

They were driven into exodus in a hurry, often leaving their furniture outside their undeserved, overleveraged and now empty homes.  Noticies were put on craigslist.  For several weekends Soup and I borrowed the huge-ass truck of a Burner named Edge and we scrambled around to all the fashionable communities in the Bay Area where furniture was being recklessly abandoned.  Looking back on my list we visited Fruitvale, Hayward, Fremont, South San Francisco, north San Jose, Richmond (kitchen chairs) and even East Palo Alto.  We had hundreds of comfy, high quality almost new, ‘lets refi our house for the 7th time and buy all new ticky tacky furniture, what could go wrong’ couches from the bad people to pick from and we chose the best for you and for the thousands of Bumblers and visitors who came before you.  We also picked up our first two refrigerators for the camp in this manner, one of which was abandoned in 2012 on the side of a highway in Fallon, NV.   

Yes, that couch is headed to Burning Man

Many things have been done on those couches including but not limited to sleeping, just lying about, not doing much of anything and vaping/hippie crack stuff and they have served with distinction.  If those OG couches are being replaced they should be Burned at a ceremony on open playa, perhaps Wednesday at 2pm slightly past and to the left of the Man. No need to tell ARTery, just let folks who may be concerned know that Soup grumbled something about it was ‘probably ok’ when he was half asleep, sneezing in a robe and cowboy hat.

Lounge on the couches well Bumblers, you deserve it.

Almost a Bumbler

As a quick aside…in recognition of the contribution of the Great Financial Crisis to the successful creation of Bumblepuss and NectarVillage we invited long time Burner and hedge fund manager Michael Burry to camp with us in 2009.  He refused.   But according to my daily Burner journal ‘Fire Mike’ did come by and sat with us on the couches and we ate some potato chips, he played drums and Adam introduced us to DMT vaping and we laughed a bit and wigged out a bit and then he went on his way and we continued to lounge there until nightfall came.  We ate a little bit of hummus and Costco hamburgers, did some drugs, dressed up pretty, put on some lights so as not to be darkwads and headed out on our bikes singing ‘BUMBLE!’ every so often but we still lost each other after 20 minutes anyways.

Bumble!,

Marc Bumble

Bumblers,


Bumble!  

Soon an announcement will be made in regards to tickets for this years’ 2022 thing in the desert, AKA Burning Man.  You should be excited.


Bumblepuss and Nectarvillage intend to participate to our fullest and to make it our best year since the Burn of 2003, which will never be topped.


Some of you may have heard of Covid-19.  Still fewer Bumbleers have concerns about Covid-19 and related misanthropic pandemic-ery.  I am here to address those Bumblers with such knowledge and related concerns.  


Rest assured Bumblers.  Bumble Elders have met and we have a plan.


In order that there be not only equality but equity at Bumblepuss and NectarVillage it has been decided that all Bumblers and future Bumblers planning to camp with us in 2022 need to show proof of being infected with Covid-19 at some time within the last five years.


Priority will be given to certain Covid-19 variants.  Those who received the OG ChinaFlu variant in 2019 through November 2020 will be admitted automatically.  Those who were gifted the Delta Tau Delta variant will have points deducted from their application but are likely to get in.  Bumblers blessed with the Alpha and Omega variants may be asked to camp elsewhere.  Those special Bumblers who are granted the Omnikrom virus or any of the variants from January 19th, 2022 forward with the express purpose of camping with Bumblepuss will be made Camp Leads as reward for your special dedication and initiative to all things Bumble.  


If you have any questions, just realize all decisions by Bumble Elders are final.


I can’t wait to Bumble with you this summer!

Bumble!

Bumble Marc

Official statement from Burning Man Corp. about the Covid-19 ‘Corona’ virus.

Tenderloin, SF March 9th 2020 (Global Playawire) – In recent days Burning Man HQ has been bombarded by questions, concerns and wild, unhinged demands concerning this years Burn and Covid19, playa name ‘Dusty Corona‘.  Frankly we’ve been appalled by most of your inquiries but nonetheless feel compelled to respond lest even worse rumors and fear mongering narratives get granted default legitimacy by our silence.

So listen and listen good.

Say ‘Yes’ to Corona

People actively hosting the Corona virus will be allowed into Burning Man this year so long as they are ticket holders and are not trying to smuggle weapons, fireworks, animals or face masks.  The 12 Principals are quiet clear about this:  RADICAL INCLUSION doesn’t just mean inviting your friends or allowing a Bloomberg voter to camp with you – it means actively welcoming carriers of a catastrophic global public health pandemic into the Steambath Project, on your art car, and yes, in your bacon.

If you can’t handle it there is always Coachella.

Safety will remain a distant 3rd.  After a behind closed door vote by the 32nd Council of Burning Man Elders (CBE), the 11th Principal – ‘Safety Third’ will remain 3rd and not be moved up to ‘Safety 2nd’ displacing Gorilla tape and zip ties.  In practice this means people with Corona virus will be admitted with a ticket (see above) and any face mask that looks like it might be effective will be confiscated at the gate.

Burning Man is an Experiment:  And like any good experiment it will be studied by people who are better than you.  Scientists will be seen on the playa in large numbers carrying out varied and sundry medical and scientific studies to better understand what happens when a deadly global virus experiencing hockey stick growth is embraced by an open, loving community like Burners.  A few notable examples will be MAPS conducting nightly tests on 1000 subjects at White Ocean of whether 2C-B is a potential vaccine for the Corona virus.  Foam Against the Machine will also be testing Dr. Bronners Magic Soap as a possible super fun and foamy topical vaccine.
You have already given your consent to on-demand blood, saliva and other specimen testing.  If you don’t believe us, read the back of your ticket and don’t be surprised when you are required to give a blood sample to some guy jumping out of a golf cart in a hazmat suit near the Temple at 2am yelling. “YOU’VE BEEN CHOSEN!  YOU’VE BEEN CHOSEN!
Corona virus and the 12 Principals; we believe
We believe that the Radical Inclusion of Corona virus carriers on the playa is a Gift untainted by Commodification.  We believe the Corona virus is fully Self Reliant and excited to fully Express itself at Burning Man this year.  We believe if there are any negative effects of Corona virus on the playa that our Communal Effort and sense of Civic Responsibility will allow us to leave for the Grand Sierra Resort with No Trace of Corona virus interrupting the Immediacy of jumping in the pool head first, Safety Third.
See you dusty Burners.  Please, for the love of Larry Harvey, no more questions.

The threat of a mass outbreak of Dengue Fever on the playa was too severe to ignore.

Gerlach, NV (AP) – This morning the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) ordered the organizers of the annual Burning Man festival to spray the playa with malathion gas insecticide or face canceling the event.  The sun screen lovin’ dengue fever carrying critters that have invaded the playa without tickets were deemed too much of a threat to public health, the economic health of Silicon Valley and the comfort of Burners to let pass naturally.

Upon receiving the orders the event organizers have reluctantly rented two Cessna 188 “AGWagon” crop dusters and on Tuesday night will spray the playa with 760 liters each of malathion.

“Art” duster

“It was that, or cancel the event,” said an unnamed cubicle worker at the Burning Man HQ in Macao. “The threat of a mass outbreak of Dengue Fever on the playa was too severe to ignore.  Can you imagine all those angel investors and start up founders laid up for weeks with Dengue?  It would wreck havoc in Silicon Valley and thus the future of the planet Earth.”

Burning Man hinted at the crop spraying option last week on it’s blog when it said,
“We don’t know how long it will last. Cobra Commander said at the morning meeting that high temperatures will be with us again today, and the hope is that the heat and the dryness will knock down the bug population. “Because otherwise we’re gonna have to nuke the city” to get rid of them.”

Additional spraying during the event is a real possibility if the pestilential pestilence isn’t eliminated the first time.  No warning will be given so as not to achieve widespread panic.

Officials with the Nevada Bureau of Mines and Geology, the agency which governs the use of arial insecticide use in the Silver State said malathion was safe to spray on humans.  “We use it in the mines all the time to combat gold bugs and we’ve received no reports of ill effects on the miners and stuff.”

Burners who expressed concern about the health effects of being sprayed without warning with insecticide are being told to read the back of their ticket.

More News to Follow on this breaking story as we at Consumptionblog receive it.

Fine Print: Satire does not constitute medical or other advice.

From the AP:

JERUSALEM (AP) — The Israeli Antiquities Authority says revelers at a Burning Man festival famous for its pyrotechnic spectacles have accidentally torched some remnants of prehistoric man.

Archaeologist Yoram Haimi says organizers of Midburn, an Israeli affiliate of the Nevada carnival, burned a wooden temple Saturday on a hilltop scattered with flint tools from the Paleolithic, Neolithic and Chalcolithic periods.

midburn

What will this inspire at the Nevada carnival this year?

What historical treasures would you like to Burn?

Gerlach, NV – (CN)

In line with one of the 10 Principles, Gifting, an authorized product from Burning Man has been given away for free this week.

The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Burn

FREE!

FREE!

Written under the non de guerre ‘Sean Kemp’, the product  was a collaboration between the now obliterated “Burning Man Arts Foundation” and the “Vogon Foundation of Soviet Canuckistan”.

“I started creating this product back in 2004,” sighed “Sean”,  I finished the first product version in 2004 actually.  Since then I’ve been going back and forth with the Burning Man Sexy Censorship Board (BMSCB) and the Vogon Committee for Publishing until this year.  I’m never creating another product again.”

After initially selling for the Burning Man price of $9.99 its now being given away here, on Consumptionblog for free:

 

 “Don’t Panic”

 

The End