Lost Something @BurningMan?

Posted: October 25, 2011 in BurningMan, Satire
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If you lost some keys, glasses, or a camera at the event North of Reno click here to see if it’s been found. 

If you lost your mind, please do consider if you actually want it back.

Fabulous and Lost

And even if you didn’t lose your camera or glasses this year – don’t you just love all these fabulous Burners?

BTW – I’m still looking for my lost CamelBak from the Burn of 2009 which contained the following items:

  • Mini travel toe-nail clipper
  • 6 gel caps 2C-D
  • 1 bottle of Provigil ®
  • 1 tupperware of  Moroccan Cous Cous
  • Baby Wipes / 1/2 roll toliet paper
  • Hot Blonde Yoga Instructor E-mail address  on small piece of cardboard (she was from SF and wearing these cute white and green fuzzy boots; you know who I mean)
  • 2 packets EmergenC
  • 1.3 litres of water

2009 - It was a good Burn!

I think I lost it Friday night at the Port-A-Potties near 6:30 and D.

I am most interested in the yoga instructor’s e-mail address and the 2C-D.

If you have recovered the items in questions, please contact me – no questions will be asked.  I believe later that same night I lost my sense of right and wrong to say nothing of up and down in a dome near Opulent Temple.

What have you lost at Burning Man over the years you’ll never recover but really wish you could?

#occupy your niche #1 Chicken of the Sea

Posted: October 22, 2011 in Politics
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Capers!

Buddhist Geeks and Makers Mark Team up to Make Meditation Merry

Posted: October 20, 2011 in Products, Satire
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Echo Park, CA (CN) – Los Angeles based Zen conglomerate Buddhist Geeks, Inc. held a press conference Thursday at the Very Hazy Zen Mediation Center in Los Angeles announcing a new marketing partnership with Makers Mark whiskey.  Makers stated they hope to make inroads into a growing market and Buddhist Geeks hope Makers can be a useful tool in meditation. Free samples of Makers were given out at the event before a 20 minute mediation and media sutra.

“Sometimes its hard, especially for beginners, to clear your head out and reach that blissed out state unique to meditation,” said Buddhist Geeks Founder and CEO Vinny Horn.  “I know from personal experience Makers helps ease you towards that spot.”

All is Bliss, All is Bliss

Buddhist Geeks recently concluded its first successful trade show “BGC 1.0” in July and have been on the radar of industry watchers for some time.  “They [BG] have clearly established themselves as the lead brand of the lucrative 18-35 yo male Buddhists demographic,” said Susan Shambala of Fast Company.  “Makers was smart to make this move so fast.  I know Jagermeister was edging for a deal as well.”

A launch party will be held in November on Naropa University’s ‘Frat Row’.  Greek Fraternity Zeta Epsilon Nau will host the Girls of Makers Mark featuring Buddhist legend Ken McLeod.  Ken will be leading a Makers themed drinking game called “Stalking Death” where students take a shot every time Ken speaks in a slow, calming voice.

Makers Mark SpokesRoshi Roofi RarRaovitch said the company is working on a specially formulated Makers Kombucha Tea called ‘Mothers Mark’.  “The early trials have gone well and we hope to have it next to zafus in time for Christmas.”

Vinny Horn concluded the event opening a bottle of Makers and stating, “Buddhist Geeks.  Seriously Buddhist, Seriously Tipsy.”

Consumptive Mix: Kuedo on Mary Anne Hobbs

Posted: October 19, 2011 in Music
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Consumptive Mix – Via Mixcloud – Mary Anne Hobbs on XFM Radio – Kuedo in the Mix…

Kuedo mix – Xfm 08/10/11 by Mary Anne Hobbs on Mixcloud

Guest History: The Greatest Burn

Posted: October 19, 2011 in BurningMan, History
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The Greatest Burn

by Ben
Without a doubt, the greatest burn ever was the Burn of 1553.  I arrived on the playa that year, early arrival as usual, to find it festering with bears.  Now these weren’t just any old bears, these were polar bears bedecked in tuxedos, each equipped with a guitar.  We paid them no mind and set up our giant subwoofers at 2:00, ready to blare solid beats for Lady Jane Grey and her entourage–well-known ravers all.  But every time we’d take a break, we’d come back to find our speakers disassembled and packed away again.

After a few days of this, it was getting close to the time for the unwashed masses to come in.  We were way behind schedule, and couldn’t make any headway with all of our work being undone.  So we decided to spy on our speakers to see what we could see.

We lay in wait for hours.  Then we saw something strange: one of the bears approached our speaker.  He said, “I’ll give you a nickel to tickle my pickle.”  I couldn’t believe it–he was hitting on the speaker!  Another of the bears approached.  He started hitting on another speaker.  This went on for an hour.  Then, and this really surprised us, the speakers started to move slowly away from the bears, packing themselves up.  You could see from the way they moved that they were filled with disgust.

We came out of hiding, and the bears and the speakers froze.  They were all ashamed at the scene we had witnessed.  When we explained to them that we didn’t have any judgment about bear-speaker love, we all sat down to see whether we could work something out.

It turned out that the speakers were just upset that the bears hadn’t been listening to them.  And then it came out: the bears all liked to play only Pete Seeger songs.  So we came upon this–whenever we didn’t have a rave going on, we’d play Pete Seeger songs through the speakers, and the bears could listen and strum along on their guitars.

This arrangement worked out beautifully, and the speakers began playing our drum and bass with the sweetest beat and the best melodies.  Our camp was the place to be at that burn.  Twinks and nymphs and leprecauns filled the dance floor, powered all night by Timothy Leary and Hunter S. Thompson themselves.  Lao Tzu, Rumi, and L. Ron Hubbard subtly imparted wisdom through the vocal tracks of the music.  Che and Davy Crockett fired their guns into the air and at the ground, to keep the dancers on their toes. And a horde of butterflies hovered overhead, achingly beautiful to those who were sober and completely trippy to everyone else.  The hours before the temple burn, God Himself appeared and began to dance the simplest and most beautiful dance I had ever seen, moving to the music, and bringing us all along with Him, whether we were talented ballerinas or cripples without any feet.  After He departed, we turned the speakers to Jonathan Richman and Pete Seeger.  We wept.  The
n the bears left to hibernate and the rest of us went to watch the temple go down in flames.

That was a good burn!

#OccupyWallStreet Demonstrates US Still #1

Posted: October 15, 2011 in News, Politics, Satire
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Wall Street, NY (CN) – Weeks after Americans started the #OccupyWallStreet and the ‘We are the 99%’ Protests the rest of the world is finally getting off its fat, bariatric ass and get out onto the streets.

Better late than never.

As a story in the London daily broadsheet The Guardian notes its’ taken weeks (as usual) for the worlds’ would be protestors to catch up with the United States.

US leads the Way

“Surely, no government can be expected to foster its own subversion, but in a democracy such a right is vested in the people.  Naturally the US is leading the way in this regard.” said dead Frankfurter and noted non-American Herbert Marcuse from an undisclosed shallow grave.

Addressing a crowd of protestors on Wall Street who are all in the top 10% of global annual income and living standards Naomi Klein yelled,

“It’s great to see Americans out protesting, setting up tent cities and sending a message not only to the grotesque economic elite in Manhattan but giving a gentle Solidarity push to other peoples of the world that they can protest their government and financial institutions as well.  I think in a couple weeks, guided by the example set by America, you’ll see the people in the Middle East telling their governments they want change.  I love you.”

Protestor and NYC resident (Greenpoint) Ben Lomen talked to Consumptionblog reporter on the scene Marc about the laziness of the rest of the world.

“I been wondering when the rest of the world would come around,” said Ben as he rolled a cigarette.  “I mean I been camped out here for three weeks making sacrifices.  Eating vegan sweet potato latkes, doing Anasara Yoga instead of Ashtanga because that’s the only instructor here, sleeping on the ground in a three season REI sleeping bag I borrowed from a friend, holding signs, uploading videos of my fellow protestors to youtube.  You know, changing the world and stuff.  No judgement; but where the fuck have the Greeks been or the Spanish for that matter?  ¡¿Que Pasa?!”

A protestor women in her 20s from Sarah Lawrence College interrupted at this point.

“Well man the Greeks haven’t been totally silent. There is the Greek Protest Dog ‘Kanellos’.  The Anarchists have taught him how to bark The International in Greek and  whenever he sees a police officer or a banker, you gotta check it out.”

“Ohh cool I will, mos def.”

*woof* So comrades, come rally And the last fight let us face..." *woof*

People in cities throughout the world are expected to copy US protests, however poorly, this coming weekend.  Stay tuned to Consumptionblog Newswire for coverage as it happens.

#occupywallstreet I am the 1%

Posted: October 14, 2011 in Costa Rica
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I submitted this to the ‘weare99percent’ tumblr.  It will be interesting to see if they take the submission. This message lodged itself into my brain at the beach yesterday and I just had to do it.

Love all y’all consumptives and stuff…

No disrespect to the 99%’ers – but I can’t help but feel most people have more control over their life than they give themselves credit for.

Back to snark, sarcasm and historical stuff soon…

How to Ask Burning Man for a Ticket Refund!

Posted: October 12, 2011 in BurningMan, Satire
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Gerlach, NV (CN)  –  It’s been over a month since you Burned.  It was a good Burn!  You had that one time out at DISTRIKT that was hella awesome.  Ohh and that one night at the Temple – Wow!

But the Burn wasn’t perfect.  It certainly wasn’t anything like the Burn of ’56 (1456 or 1956, both were spectacular!).

But now you are back in the default world after a half decent local Decompression.  You’re underemployed and feeling a bit pinched financially.

You spent thousands on Burning Man.  How can you get some of that filthy lucre back?

No, don’t take that dusty, unused can of Corn Beef Hash back to Walmart.

Request that Burning Man refund the full price of your ticket.

Burning Man Corp. was founded by people with names like Black Swan, Chicken John, Jonny Law, Paul Addis, and Danger Ranger.

Burning Founder

Now do they sound like the type of people who would refund your money?

No, most certainly not.

But like a billionaire paying her taxes there is a loophole you can exploit to ensure you get a full ticket refund.

An obscure statute in the Magna Carta from the Burn of 1215 allows anyone to receive a full refund of their ticket to Burning Man.

22. Nullus ticketus amercietur de refundum tenemento suo, nisi secundum modum Burning Man Corp. perfectorum, et non refundum quantitatem beneficii sui event north of Reno.

However time is limited.  The deadline is October 19th – read the instructions below and fill out the form to apply for your refund today.

  1. Attending this past Burning Man 2011, ‘Rites of Passage‘ is a requirement.  If you didn’t attend your chances of getting a refund fall dramatically.
  2. A scanned copy of your ticket stub, DOB and Social Security Number are also required.
  3. Write down a list of what did not go perfectly at the Burn.

Examples of a less than Perfect Burning Man experience are endless but some of the more common are as follows:

a)  Not hooking up with the hot blonde yoga teacher/Australian art school guy you flirted with Monday night next to that cool Flaming Octopus car. Fuck!

b)  Pulled your hamstring on that LOVE installation posing for a picture.  Fuck!

Ouch!

c)  Emergency Cigarette resupply didn’t happened until very late Wednesday Night.  Fuck!

d) Chafed and cut up hands real good Friday night pulling on Charon’s Ropes.  Fuck!

e) Exodus.  Fuck!

f) Japanese Rope Bondage Girl Smoking a Cigarette Cheapened the Whole Experience.  Fuck!

g) Losing your travel-sized toenail clipper.

“Its somewhere inside my Camelback, or is it in my tent? Fuck!”

h) No proper dust storm.  Fuck!

i) Two Hour Wait at Sandpaper Handjob Camp only to discover all you got was a sandpaper handjob and a half frozen pickle.  Double Fuck!

t) Where was all the fucking Trance music?!

If any of this happened to you fill out the below form by October 19th and you will have successfully applied to receive a full refund of your ticket.

There are many fascinating and complex ways in which Burning Man turns out not to be perfect.  Share your experience and gripe with your fellow Burners in the comments section below.

← Back

Thank you for your response. ✨

Complaint(required)

I am Applying for a Full Ticket Refund(required)

You will be asked for a scanned copy of your ticket stub shortly after submitting the form.

Isn’t getting $300 back in your pocket worth throwing Daddy Consumption some Greenbacks?

Be Generous.

Puerto Viejo Stands With You #OccupyWallStreet

Posted: October 8, 2011 in Costa Rica, News, Politics
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The good Americans of Puerto Viejo, Costa Rica stand with you #OccupyWallStreet and believe me – we have grievances aplenty…

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#OccupyWallStreet and Obscure 19th Century Philosophers

Posted: October 7, 2011 in News, Politics
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