Archive for the ‘2012’ Category

Symbiosis Gathering Music Preview 02: James Blake

Posted: April 23, 2012 in 2012, Music, Reviews, Symbiosis
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Pyramid Lake, NV (CN) – Imagine if Dusty Springfield had wandered the United States today.  Instead of heading to Memphis she trundles to Los Angeles.  Stumbling in to a late night party she kidnaps Thundercat, gives him ‘ludes and convinces him to produce an album.  A slow hopscotch popstep album emerges after a month of being holed up in a grungy Van Nuys recording studio that features a tank of nitrous oxide, a basement level gravity pool and the entire catalog of Morrissey played on an endless loop.

Ladies and Gentlemen of Pyramid you have James Blake.

'I don't want to hear it anymore'

Listen to ‘Love What Happened Here’

Follow James on Twitter: @jamesblake

or here: jamesblakemusic.com

Symbiosis May 17th-21st @SymbiosisEvents

Symbiosis Gathering Music Preview 01: Rustie

Posted: April 20, 2012 in 2012, Music, Reviews, Symbiosis
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Pyramid Lake, NV (CN) – Making up for a lack of local sunshine Glaswegian DJ Rustie pushes forth a Cornholio sugar rush of rococo chaotic rush blitz sublime fun kiss.

Check out his Essential Mix on Soundcloud to get a two hour peck on the cheek:

Rustie Twitter: @rustie

The Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/rustie666

Warp Records: http://warp.net/records/rustie

Glass Swords or Pyramid Eclipse?

Burning Man Designated Zombie Safe Zone?

Posted: April 12, 2012 in 2012, BurningMan, News, Politics, Satire, Silly, Zombie
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Gerlach, NV (CN) – The Event North of Reno has been designated a Zombie Safe Zone in a map commissioned by the US Congress.  An interactive map released Monday displaying possible danger zones and resources for the coming Zombie Apocalypse lists the site of the Burning Man arts festival as a safe zone.

“We believe the desert could accommodate 100,000,” said Burning Man spokesperson Maid Marian.  “Doesn’t matter whether its for Flaming Lotus Girls art and frozen pickle dildos or fleeing for your life from the walking dead.  Folks will arrive at the gate looking about the same; full of energy and eager to get in.”

Burner vs. Zombie

An anonymous Prepper and Survivalist expert associated with SurvivalBlog.com  thought the designation as a Zombie Safe Zone was dubious.  “Burners do a lot of TEOTWAWKI prep work great; food and dubstep for instance.  But they will have to reconsider not letting firearms in.”

Burning Man Gate, Perimeter, and Exodus Coordinator ‘Randi Fence’ was asked if Burning Man could repel a zombie horde.

“They don’t have a ticket they don’t get in.  Zombie or no zombie, its that simple.”

The Map of the Dead was commissioned by the America is Ready for the Zombie Apocalypse Act (ARZAA) passed by Congress in 2009.  Start up company Doejo known more for their martial arts acumen than their cartography skills were awarded the no bid contract to create the map.  “I’m not sure if Burning Man is safe,” said Doejo founder Dusty Merc. “But Burning Man handed us a couple hundred tickets before the lottery so we figured the least we could do is list them as ‘safe’.”

Zombies have been seen at Burning Man before but in small numbers near Opulent Temple around dawn.  They were easily dispatched.

A Stimulus You Can Burn

Posted: April 6, 2012 in 2012, BurningMan, Satire
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Burning Man continues to provide jobs and opportunity aplenty to those willing to take the leap:

Chief Consumptive Marc wishes to apologize for the long delay in important news surrounding the Event North of Reno.  I have been up to my hips in deep, dusty investigative journalism of the highest caliber.

More news and reports more often from here until the Burn to End Them All 2012.  Stay Tuned.  Then Turn On, Flick the Lighter and Burn Out.

Consumption @ Envision Festival – Can You Find Me?

Posted: February 28, 2012 in 2012, Costa Rica
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Uvita, Costa Rica — (CN) Consumptionblog will making thew journey to Envision Festival, Uvita, Costa Rica later in the week. 

There will be a delay in further news reports until I get back.

BANG!

If you, dear Consumptionblog reader, happen to be there, be sure to find me and say ‘Hi’.

I will be the skinny, tall white guy.  Long hair, 6 gauge pierced ear holes.  Tattoo on one arm.  Flip flops and shorts.  Smile on my face.  Just finishing up a tidy Ashtanga Primary Series.  I should stick out like a sore thumb.

Envision Here I Come!

BREAKING: Burning Man 2012 Theme Changed! Now called ‘Burners.ME 2.0’

Posted: February 22, 2012 in 2012, BurningMan, News, Satire
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BREAKING NEWS – NEW 2012 BURNING MAN THEME: ‘BURNERS.ME 2.0‘
MORE DETAILS ON THIS DEVELOPING STORY WILL BE POSTED HERE AS WE GET THEM

Burners.ME 2.0

TenderBurn, SF (CN) – Fertility 2.0 is no more.   In the midst of the 2012 Burning Man Ticket Apocalypse an anonymous source from the upper echelons of The Event North of Reno claims the previously announced theme ‘Fertility 2.0’ has been scraped.

“Unless Fertility means ‘Anger Wrapped in Frustration and Deep Fried in Resentment’, it just doesn’t fly,” stated Dusty Throat from a car park in Antioch where Consumptionblog agreed to meet.  “Instead we at Burning Man HQ feel it is far more fitting that the 2012 theme be ‘Burners.ME 2.0‘. Please don’t take this as us being in any way bitter or fed up with Burners whining and moaning over every goddamned little thing we do or don’t do.   Rather it’s meant to reflect the new online lives we are all living or something.”

I LOVE the new theme!

While the new theme will be a surprise to many Burners, especially the hundreds of thousands of Burning Man Virgins holding tickets, it’s actually a reprise from the Burn of ’79.  Held at Studio 54 in New York City the ‘Burners ME!’ event featured the Burning of a 20 foot Crescent Moon Man holding a spoon.  It was considered one of the worst Burns in the history of the event.

Very Few Remember the Burn of '79

This is a developing news story.  More details here on the dramatic theme U-Turn as they become available.

Burning Man Ticket News Update – NFL Draft Implemented!

Posted: February 16, 2012 in 2012, BurningMan, News, Satire
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Watch Out!

Hone Creek, Costa Rica (CN) – The veracity of Consumptionblog’s Investigative Reports are often questioned.  None more so than a story we ran in November of 2011 citing anonymous sources that Burning Man was going to adopt an NFL style draft system to distribute tickets.  Consider the draft implemented √

Burning Man Adopts NFL Draft for 2012 Ticket Distribution

Posted: November 11, 2011

The 17 members of Burning Man Corp.’s Board of Directors will pick Burner draftees in order of preference until all of the available tickets are distributed.

‘The new NFL Draft ticket distribution modality makes the whole process simpler and based on meritocracy as judged by me and 16 other awesome Burners.” said Board of Director and popular NPR Fresh Air’ hostess Terry Gross.

While old news to us Sy Hersh devotees of deep investigative journalism, this was revealed as FACT late yesterday evening by the good folks in charge of the Event North of Reno.

Ticket Update: Rebuilding Black Rock City 2012

Where Will He Be Drafted?

1. Burning Man organizers and staff will issue tickets to major theme camps and art projects using a process outlined below…

Because we know this number cannot possibly satisfy the entirety of that demand, we will use practical criteria to determine eligibility. These groups will be reviewed for:

  1. History – A camp, project or participatory work must be in our database from past years. (We have ways to track name changes for groups over time.)
  2. Demonstrated Community Benefit – A project has been interactive in a way that has been experienced as meaningful, provides support for Black Rock City’s infrastructure, or provides services for our community. Basically, how the project helps make the community and create its magic.
  3. LNT – A group has demonstrated adherence to and good practices around Leave No Trace and are committed to our community perpetuating the message of LNT.
  4. 10 Principles – A group or project fully embraces the 10 Principles in their entirety.

Check back here regularly @ Consumptionblog for more reality based journalism surrounding Burning Man 2012.

Alba Botanica: Shampoo for the Working Class of Ohio

Posted: February 15, 2012 in 2012, Movies, Products, Satire
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What Shampoo does Michael Shannon use when Apocalyptic Doom is imminent?

Take Shelter with Alba Botanica's Hawaiian Shampoo Product Line

That’s right folks, Alba Botanica Hawaiian Shampoo featuring Honeydew Gloss Boss.

For glossy sheen, take a permanent vacation from the harsh, hole digging horror show of Paul Krugman’s white reactionary Ohio. Instead, discover this shine-inducing shampoo, a residue-lifting cleansing experience. Honeydew extract, awapuhi and pineapple nourish and revive hair for vibrant shine. Hydrolyzed protein binds the hair cuticle creating a smooth, reflective, glossy shine. Dull, lifeless hair is gently cleansed and revitalized. Aloha beautiful.

100% Vegetarian. No: Animal Testing, Charles Murray, Artificial Colors, Parabens, Phthalates, Sodium Lauryl Sulfate or Sodium Methyl Sulfate

At over $10 for a 12 oz. bottle budget conscious Jessica Chastain should be more concerned with shampoo than the cost of a new tornado shelter.

‘Ohh the people you’ll sue’ – Ticketless Burners Threaten Dr. Seuss Lawsuit

Posted: February 11, 2012 in 2012, BurningMan, Satire
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Milf Valley, CA (CN) – Ticketless Burners are threatening to sue Dr. Seuss due to the popularity of the Burning Man themed viral video ‘Ohh the Places You’ll Go!’  Burners who were denied tickets in the controversial Burning Man ticket lottery blame the delightful, whimsical Seussian verse for driving many non-Burners to sign up for and ultimately receive tickets.

"I won't say shit till I talk to my lawyer"

According to Andie Grace, spokesperson for the Event North of Reno on the Burning Blog:

“One such participant shared a magical YouTube video he created in 2011 (“Oh The Places You’ll Go!”) – the link hit the Huffington Post in January and went viral, eventually hitting 1.3 million views from all around the world; its visibility peaked right around the day that ticket registration opened.”

Burners considering unorthodox action to gain tickets and/or gleeful self-righteous satisfaction to this years Burning Man say the lawsuit is only one of their tools.

“We’d sue the great weather at the 2011 Burn if we could,” stated one Burner who wished to remain anonymous.  “Most likely we’ll just go to Symbiosis.”

Dr. Seuss supporters responded from their compound in Mt. Soledad saying  the Doctor would plead innocence by reason of mortality.

Other 2012 Burning Man Ticket News:

Burning Man Looks to NFL for Ticket Distribution

Sex & Community Threaten Burning Man 2012

Mitt Romney Wins Burning Man

Posted: February 5, 2012 in 2012, BurningMan, News, Politics, Satire
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Pershing County Caucus Attendees hold a mini-Burn after the Vote

Gerlach, NV – (CN) Willard Romney, who goes by the Burner name ‘Mitt’ handily swept the three counties that comprise Burning Man in Saturday’s Republican Human Caucus Wash. Pershing, Lyon and Washoe Counties have most of the operational control of the Event North of Reno and all were easily won by Romney.

The vote reflects the deep Mormon roots of Burning Man as well as contentment with the Burner establishment.  Recent 2012 ticket lottery chaos and discontentment had many Burning Man analysts and pundits predicting a win for outsider Ron Paul.  At a campaign stop in Elko a few days before the caucus Paul won large applause promising an ‘Audit the Burn’ bill to be introduced into Congress.

Ron Paul addresses a rally of Burners in Elko, NV

“Burning Man can just print tickets without any accountability and randomly pick winners like its some kind of lottery.  That’s not in the Constitution.  If Audit the Burn passes Congress this will end!.”

Messages left at Burning Man HQ in Gerlach for comment were not returned.

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