Nectar Village HQ, San Francisco (CN) – As the below news footage from Burning Man 2011 demonstrate Placement are always the hardest folks to deal with at the Event North of Reno.
For more information about Nectar Village and the mysterious Soup mentioned by Adolf check out:
Tenderloin District, San Francisco (CN) – Many Burners would be hard pressed to name any similarities between the National Football League (NFL) and Burning Man. However that’s all about to change. In an effort to alleviate last years chaos that engulfed San Francsico in riots when Burning Man sold out of tickets without warning the governing Board of Directors have taken a page from the NFL playbook.
Starting in 2012 all 50,000 Burners to be granted tickets to Nevada’s 5th largest stadium north of Reno will have to make themselves eligible for an NFL style draft.
“With its well known connections to the Mob, Sparkle Pony Fans, and heavy use of performance enhancing drugs by the participants, known as ‘players’ the NFL was a natural model for Burning Man to emulate,” said event founder Larry Harvey at a press conference announcing the move.
The 17 members of Burning Man Corp.’s Board of Directors will pick Burner draftees in order of preference until all of the available tickets are distributed.
‘The new NFL Draft ticket distribution modality makes the whole process simpler and based on meritocracy as judged by me and 16 other awesome Burners.” said Board of Director and popular NPR Fresh Air’ hostess Terry Gross.
“Like the NFL we’ve taken steps to make sure the draft happens quickly, without too much second guessing and speculation and live on ESPN.”
Burning Man Draft 2012 Rules:
1. All those interested in entering the Burning Man draft fill out a simple ‘baseball card’ style application process with valid credit card number by January 5th.
2. After being printed the cards are randomly distributed by a professional Vegas Poker Dealer to the 17 Board of Directors who shall be seated at a large round table. After a designated time of no more than one hour the Directors will each pick a #1 Burner Draft Pick (BDP) from their respective piles.
3. The #1 Burner Draft Picks of each Burning Man Corp. Director will be awarded the right of ”’primae noctis” with any virgin Burners they choose during the event.
4. After the #1 Burner Draft Picks are paraded in the front of the media, the Board of Directors will be locked in a conference room at the Grand Sierra Resort for no less than one month. The remaining 49,883 Burners will be drafted based on a combination of the rules of proportional representation used to elect members of the Israeli Knesset and the card-based role playing game Magic: The Gathering.
It's as Simple as it is Exciting
5. Exceptions to the draft are French Electronic Duo Daft Punk, Chicken Jon, anyone with the word ‘dusty’ in their playa name and Barack and Michele Obama. These beloved Burners automatically get gifted tickets.
6. Those who qualify for discount or scholarship tickets after being drafted will be required to de-moop DISTRKT and the other large Sound Camps for one week after the event ends.
7. Finally, depending on what your draft number is, how many Burns you can prove you’ve been to as well as who on the Board drafts you will determine where you are allowed to camp and what day you can arrive at the event North of Reno. This is based on a mathematical formula some DPW folks came up during a weekend bender at Bruno’s Country Club.
Example: Mary Jane Playa Crotch is a five time Burner and is drafted #23,614 by Chip Conley 14 days and three hours into the draft. This determines that Mary Jane will be camping with Comfort and Joy and will be allowed to arrive no earlier than Wednesday of the event. Her credit card is then charged, she is notified via e-mail and Board Members move on to Draft Pick #23,615.
“No one said being on the Board of Directors is all Bacon and Jiffy Lube,” said Made Marian, long time Burner and Burning Man’s Organized Crime Liaison. “But we believe the process will be thorough, Byzantine, and mind numbingly comprehensive.”
Speculation has already begun on who will be the #1 Draft Pick. Early betting in Vegas currently has five time Burner, Yoga Instructor and tribal hipster known only as ‘Ashley’ as the 3 to 5 favorite.
“I can tell you who won’t be the #1 Pick,” said ESPN Burning Man Analyst Little Spoon. “Tim Couch and JaMarcus Russell that’s who. While they have great playa names, if you can’t hack it in the NFL you certainly can’t hack it at one of the harshest environments on earth.”
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Please let others know about this new Burning Man ticket scheme by ‘Like’ing this on Facebook, Retweeting, Stumbling or clicking other social media buttons bel0w. With your help we can avoid the riots and chaos of 2011. Thank you.
NEWSFLASH: #OccupyDenver follows suite, nominates Border Collie as leader.
Oscar Grant Plaza, Oakland, CA – (CN Wire) After leading a general strike that made headlines around the world #OccupyOakland continued to solidify its position as an innovator of the nascent #OccupyWallStreet movement by nominating an Ape to be it’s leader on Monday night.
The Ape known as ‘Caesar’ was profiled in a recent radical environmental documentary ‘Rise of the Planet of the Apes‘. In the documentary Caesar organizes his fellow Apes, Chimps and other primates to break free from their unjust and cruel imprisonment. They soon kill a punk-ass’d white guy, over run a for profit biotech company, trash San Francisco like it was Bay to Breakers and successfully battle the police on the Golden Gate Bridge before undertaking an occupation of Muir Woods.
The documentary was shown several times on a big screen in Oscar Grant Plaza and swiftly became an inspirational rallying point to all involved. The chant ‘All Hail Caesar!’ has quickly become a mantra of the protest movement. Caesar and his primate crew was quickly adopted by the #OccupyOakland General Assembly as a natural leader who could bring new blood to the quickly tiring movement. Effective immediately Caesar and his monkey gang have been elected to take over operational control of all aspects of #OccupyOakland.
A short declaration dictated via iPhone4’s Siri for the reasons behind the General Assembly’s decision was sent to the media.
From this moment forth #OccupyOakland declares our undying fealty to almighty Caesar and solidarity with his protesting primate entourage.
- Caesar and his primate posse eschew civilization, the city and other facades of our rotting capitalist pig-dog society, preferring instead the blissful, natural environs of Muir Woods and other earthy state parks.
- The peoples of #OccupyOakland have no problem with having a strong leader, we just object to that leader being human.
Hail Caesar!
- Caesar and his monkey throng know how to handle the police, unlike those damn suburban white boy anarchists.
This is what democracy looks like.
- By storming and destroying a biotech company only concerned about profit and not the people’s welfare, Caesar and his primate partners have shown a clear commitment to being anti-capitalist and anti-biotechnology.
- Caesar has aspirational designs beyond setting up a couple tents and a soup kitchen. The slogan ‘Another World is Possible’ is actually likely under Caesar’s radical leadership.
- Caesar and his gaggle of chimps enjoy sleeping outdoors.
- Caesar and the Orangutan gang clearly shares Bay Area residents frustration with bridge traffic.
My Kinda Commute
- The Primate’s primal aversion to clothing, good hygiene habits and lack of other possessions clearly demonstrates solidarity with #OccupyOakland’s anti-materialist, anti-consumption worldview.
- James Franco and Freida Pinto make a super hot couple.
HOT-T
- The name ‘Caesar’ just sounds like a word that means ‘Leader’.
Society may mock us now, but they’ll soon ape us!
A member of the #OccupyOakland movement who participated in the General Assembly meeting that elected Caesar as their new leader said the decision was reached quickly.
“Consensus was reached after 20 minutes of discussion. Hell, it took longer to decide what Chinese restaurant we wanted to order take out from. We picked Shan Dong and it was hella good.”
Another #OccupyOakland protestor reached for comment Monday night concluded “That damn dirty Ape is no shill for The Man and a heck of a lot smarter than my Teaparty douche of a neighbor in that alienating condo complex I live at in Alameda.”
Caesar and his band of primates were notified via Twitter.
What happens next is anyone’s guess.
Wa Wa Wa Washington, DC (CN) – This past week saw stalwart Beltway Insider Think Tank the Cato Institute launch Libertarianism.org after 20 years of delay and statist triumph. The new site promises a concise and engaging introduction to a political philosophy called Libertarianism.
The reason why the Cato Institute has taken 20 years to launch this site on the internet is as simple and complex as Liberty itself.
“Libertarians have never been that into the internets, technology and stuff,” said Aaron Powell Cato Team Member and Libertarianism.org Editor. “Polling we’ve done has shown that people who work in tech fields like the internet and Livejournal are as likely to be libertarians as Catholics, which is to say not so much. We’d rather be reading old dead guys from the past, you know, when we were free. Speaking of which have you read ‘The Ego and Its Own‘ by Max Stirner, its a real barn burner.”
The idea for a website with libertarian in the name, or URL, first came in 1997 when Cato Team Member David Boaz got set to publish ‘Libertarianism: A Primer‘. “The book is a primer on libertarianism,” said Boaz from behind a large computer free wooden desk Cinncinatus was said to have used. “We thought this new internets would be a dandy thing to help promote and spread the word.”
However Libertarianismaprimer.com was taken and Cato got into an ugly battle with internet squatter Stephen Cohen. Cato, lacking any lawyers among it’s team members, enlisted the help of Institute for Justice in a long legal battle. They prevailed only to find Libertarianismaprimer.com to be a less than ideal url for ginning up traffic. The website was scraped.
Brian Doherty, libertarian historian and author of “Aspies for Capitalism – A History of Libertarians on Teh Internets” gave a brief synopsis of Cato’s twenty year battle to conceive and execute a website.
“Even before David’s book, ‘Libertarianism: A Primer,’ a great primer about libertarianism btw, Cato had a website a friend of theirs from college created. However it could only be viewed in a Lynx web browser and had 200+ large media files on it, a killer back in the dial up days.
“Cato also had a cute geocities website for a hot minute but it just didn’t go anywhere for some reason. Libertarians had an early presence on Friendster but it just didn’t pan out. Creative destruction and all that. Myspace? Don’t even get me started.
Keep in mind Cato also runs on a SpokesCouncil based Consensus decision making process. This most recent site has been in the works, wheedling itself through the various Cato SpokesCouncils and Guilds, for about 10 years.
In August of this year after many years of thankless toil and exhausting, deflating internecine battles Team Members all agreed to read a copy of ‘Getting to Yes‘, ‘Making Hard Decisions‘ and Jerry Tuccille’s ‘It Usually Begins with Ayn Rand‘ in addition to the other 10 books Team Members are contractually obligated to read per month. After that they brought in Murray Rothbard’s ghost and he moderated a big gathering of the hundreds of Cato Team Members and they finally came to consensus on three points:
Murray always was the peacemaker. After that we had the site up in about 5 weeks from soup to nuts.”
Other reasons for the long delay were skepticism about the internet and a warm glowing feeling that other libertarian groups were already getting the job done.
“Now mind you, to be fair,” said Cato Team Member Tommy John Palmer, “If I’m honest, the likes of LewRockwell.com and Justin Raimondo have done a great job representing mainstream Libertarianism to a diverse audience over the years.”
“I’m still not sure the internet is worth our time and effort,” opined Cato Founder and Team Member Primero Eddie Crane. “Every time I get on there all I see is LOLCats, Porn and Andrew Sullivan’s animated beard. If that’s the future I want no part of it.”
Described as a “thumbnail sketch” by Cato Team Member and New Media Guy Zach Graves the site opens with a 869 word nine paragraph written introduction complimented by a 20 minute youtube video narrated by some white guy. “It’s designed to appeal to the short attention spanned youths and those engaged in an active, modern lifestyle,” said Zach. “Not everyone has time to read Mises ‘Human Action‘ or the Russian novella ‘Atlas Shrugged‘ and we are sensitive to that.”
A Great Ryan Gosling Vehicle. Albert Brooks!
Start your November off right with a dark, autumnal melodic Trance session from Paul Gibson.
01. MALU – Balance (Dennis Pedersen’s Sunny Morning Remix) [Unearthed Red]
02. Protoculture – Liquid Logic (Nhato Remix) [Re*Brand]
03. Armin van Buuren pres. Gaia – Stellar (Original Mix) [Armind]
04. Sonic Element – Amenity (Original Mix) [Enhanced]
05. Solarstone Feat Alex Karweit – Breakaway (Solarstone’s Phuture Dub) [Solaris]
06. Mitka – Pacifico (Ilya Soloviev Remix) [Unearthed Records]
07. Ana Criado – Can’t Hold Back The Rain (Stoneface & Terminal Remix) [A and R Recordings]
08. Jo Micali – Early Sunrise (Hoyaa Remix) [Unearthed Red]
09. Liquid Vision Presents LIKWID – Apache (Original Mix) [Defcon]
10. N’Heaven – Judas (Falcon & Gaz Chen Remix) [Factual]
The Only Question - Which is Oakland?
Could this video with a tour de force performance by Jack Black and accompanying song be the soundtrack to the #Occupy subculture?
I think so, I hope so – my name is Consumptive and I endorse this ad.
Stand Firm #OccupyOakland!
CONSUMPTION BLOG 