Archive for the ‘Products’ Category

6:30 and Something, maybe D, sorta near Nectar Village, NV (CN)  – I found this headlamp at the Burn.  Is it yours? Sorry I took so long.

Yours? Really?

Yours? Really?

Decompression was really tough and if I’m honest, I kinda like using it.

I think it’s a BlackDiamond.  It was Tuesday after the Burn, it was in a bag on an abandoned bike on 6:30 and something, maybe D, sorta near Nectar Village.  It was extremely dusty.  From the location I found this headlamp I could see a Budget rental truck, a couple tents and the flags from the top of Center Camp.

headlamp3a

Do you use Duracell? Then this might be yours.

Perhaps the biggest identifying element on it is the Duracell batteries.  They still power the headlamp.

From the Playa to the Galaxy

From the Playa to the Galaxy

If you believe this to be your headlamp, please submit a story how you lost it in the comments section below and then mail a blood, hair and stool sample plus $125 cash for testing to the Hotel Galaxy in Changuinola, Panama, Bocas Del Toro, Avenida 17 de Abril c/o ‘Gringo’s Lost Headlamp’ where it currently provides light during occasional power outages.   The headlamps rightful owner, once identified, will arrange to meet me at Burning Man 2013, Cargo Cult in Nevada, somewhere around 6:30 and something, sorta near Nectar Village.

Thank you.

What Shampoo does Michael Shannon use when Apocalyptic Doom is imminent?

Take Shelter with Alba Botanica's Hawaiian Shampoo Product Line

That’s right folks, Alba Botanica Hawaiian Shampoo featuring Honeydew Gloss Boss.

For glossy sheen, take a permanent vacation from the harsh, hole digging horror show of Paul Krugman’s white reactionary Ohio. Instead, discover this shine-inducing shampoo, a residue-lifting cleansing experience. Honeydew extract, awapuhi and pineapple nourish and revive hair for vibrant shine. Hydrolyzed protein binds the hair cuticle creating a smooth, reflective, glossy shine. Dull, lifeless hair is gently cleansed and revitalized. Aloha beautiful.

100% Vegetarian. No: Animal Testing, Charles Murray, Artificial Colors, Parabens, Phthalates, Sodium Lauryl Sulfate or Sodium Methyl Sulfate

At over $10 for a 12 oz. bottle budget conscious Jessica Chastain should be more concerned with shampoo than the cost of a new tornado shelter.

Echo Park, CA (CN) – Los Angeles based Zen conglomerate Buddhist Geeks, Inc. held a press conference Thursday at the Very Hazy Zen Mediation Center in Los Angeles announcing a new marketing partnership with Makers Mark whiskey.  Makers stated they hope to make inroads into a growing market and Buddhist Geeks hope Makers can be a useful tool in meditation. Free samples of Makers were given out at the event before a 20 minute mediation and media sutra.

“Sometimes its hard, especially for beginners, to clear your head out and reach that blissed out state unique to meditation,” said Buddhist Geeks Founder and CEO Vinny Horn.  “I know from personal experience Makers helps ease you towards that spot.”

All is Bliss, All is Bliss

Buddhist Geeks recently concluded its first successful trade show “BGC 1.0” in July and have been on the radar of industry watchers for some time.  “They [BG] have clearly established themselves as the lead brand of the lucrative 18-35 yo male Buddhists demographic,” said Susan Shambala of Fast Company.  “Makers was smart to make this move so fast.  I know Jagermeister was edging for a deal as well.”

A launch party will be held in November on Naropa University’s ‘Frat Row’.  Greek Fraternity Zeta Epsilon Nau will host the Girls of Makers Mark featuring Buddhist legend Ken McLeod.  Ken will be leading a Makers themed drinking game called “Stalking Death” where students take a shot every time Ken speaks in a slow, calming voice.

Makers Mark SpokesRoshi Roofi RarRaovitch said the company is working on a specially formulated Makers Kombucha Tea called ‘Mothers Mark’.  “The early trials have gone well and we hope to have it next to zafus in time for Christmas.”

Vinny Horn concluded the event opening a bottle of Makers and stating, “Buddhist Geeks.  Seriously Buddhist, Seriously Tipsy.”

Gerlach, NV (CN)  –  Burning Man is rapidly approaching.  You have a ticket and an iffy ride from Eugene to Reno in a school bus.  The next two weekends will bring a flurry of packing, preparation, procrastination and trips to Walmart fraught with guilt and amazing deals.

In these tough economic times how can you get back some of the thousands of hard earned Euros you’ll spend on making your experience north of Reno as exciting and comfortable as possible?

No, don’t take that dusty, unused can of Corn Beef Hash back to Walmart.

Request that Burning Man refund the full price of your ticket after the event.

Burning Man Corp. was founded by people with names like Black Swan, Chicken John, Jonny Law, Paul Addis, and Danger Ranger.

Burning Man Co-Founder

Now do they sound like the type of people to not refund your money?

Yes, they are.

But like a billionaire paying her taxes there is a loophole you can exploit to ensure you get a full ticket refund.

An obscure statute under the jurisdiction of the Nevada Bureau of Mines and Geology allows anyone to receive a full refund of their ticket to Burning Man.

However Burners need to complete the following steps carefully.

Step by Step instructions for asking for your money back after attending Burning Man.

  1. Attend Burning Man.  Failure to attend will dramatically reduce your chances at a refund.
  1. Do whatever you do at Burning Man (just stay away from me).
  1. Make sure not everything goes Perfectly. Examples of a less than Perfect Burning Man are endless but some of the more common are as follows:

a)  Not hooking up with that hot blonde yoga instructor/long term art school student you flirted with Monday night next to that art and fire thingy.

b)  Forgot some critical piece of equipment your camp mates were counting on you to bring.

Examples: zip ties or that eight-ball of coke you snorted waiting in line at the Gate.

Fuck!

c)  Art Project gets finished Thursday afternoon instead of Monday.

d)  Got lost and cold one night after raving it up at Nexus.

e)  Exodus.

f)  4am Friday night port-a-potties.

Techno will do that.

g)  Losing your travel size toenail clipper.

“Its somewhere inside my camelback, or is it in my tent? Fuck!”

h)  Can’t find your friend.

“I have gone over to my best friends camp like six times and she hasn’t been there and her camp mates have been less than helpful – Fuck!”

4) Return from Burning Man.

5) Take a shower.

6) Take another shower.

Follow all those easy steps and you will be on your way to achieving a full refund for your Burning Man ticket.

After Burning Man come back to ConsumptionBlog for a  form letter you can fill out to aid you in your quest for justice, dubstep, and a full refund of your ticket.

You’re Welcome.

Many people have been asking how I am able to undertake my journalistic endeavors on ConsumptionBlog.

The answer is simple, its my place of residence:

The Blue Morpho Center for Transformation in Puerto Viejo, Costa Rica.

Why?

This:

Check us out!

Lower Haight, SF (CN) – Long time Burner and San Francisco resident has entered into a fray with BurnerMap.com.  Cranky was last seen rioting in front of the Burning Man Corp. HQ with other ticketless Burners yesterday.  That same day in a bout of productivity not seen in years CrankyDust distributed a press release condemning BurnerMaps.com (see below)

Vague plans for burning BurnerMap.com were mentioned but with few details – more updates to follow.

Where are you and your friends camping at Burning Man this year?

It’s so confusing and dusty out there.

Not Anymore.

With this awesome app.  you can enter in where you’ll be on the Playa and share the info with your friends.

Try It Out NOW-ish

I imagine you are a lot like me.  You cried whenever one of your parental units stopped reading Joseph Conrad aloud and tried to switch to this James fellow and his Giant Peach.  Roald Dahl was the name of the perpetrator of your tears.  As you read below you have reason to cry even louder, but as a grown adult you can now do something about it:

Via the Internet via Boing Boing via ThisRecording:

http://thisrecording.com/today/2011/6/1/in-which-we-consider-the-macabre-unpleasantness-of-roald-dah.html

There is a little bit for everyone to hate about Roald Dahl –

Jews: He hates them.

Republicans: Homewrecker

The Military: Couldn’t hack the AirForce.

Women: He hates them.

Africans: He hates them.

Children: He writes books for the little beasts.

People who work in publishing companies: He yells at them.

Rep. Anthony Weiner: His inappropriate sexy time stuff seems so much more inappropriate and interesting than you.

His writing: It often wasn’t, like, very good and stuff.

His name: Learn how to spell “Roald” – as if.

How can We The People strike back at Roald Dahl?

Help send Roald Dahl to an early grave.

Take that dog eared copy of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (A secret reference to the Viet Cong btw) and Burn it.  Burn that Giant Peach as well.  Matilda? Burn it too.  On a Kindle?  Burn the Kindle.

You have one week to do this – be brave, buy a lighter, take pictures.

Thanks to you the loyal Consumptionists readers out there in not so tangible land we have a our first sponsor.  Luckily it’s a consumer product Consumptionists can consume in copious quantities.

From ‘Peripatetic‘ the company that brought you the 1980s Young Adult Depression vehicle The Journey of Natty Gann & Bacon!  The Musical:

Mesquite Grilled Water – ‘You Don’t Have to Flip It!’ ®

It’s as easy as 1-2-3

1) Pour the desired amount out of the 12 oz. bottle onto a charcoal or gas grill.

2) Watch that mesquite grilled water sizzle for just under a minute.

3) Serve Immediately to astounded and dumbstruck guests.

Bournemouth, UK – ‘Tory Direct Action Group UK UnCut steps up campaign against Topshop’.  I read that headline recently and being a naive, curious American I set to find about more about this oddly named group.

First off, ‘Uncut’.  Get that silly image out of your head. It’s not that kind of uncut. Nor is it the SouthPark kind of UnCut though the group would like certain things bigger and longer, mainly the Tory government.  As I’ve found UK Uncut is a thicket of wooly bohemian reactionaries hailing mainly from the south of England.  They desire that places they wouldn’t be caught dead in like Topshop and Lewis Hamilton to give more money to the Tory Government on the theory they will spend it better than people who aren’t Tory Governments.

The group has quickly become notorious invading and protesting TopShop, Marks & Spencer, Fortnum & Mason and others.

I interviewed several UK  Uncut supporters recently at a demo in front of a TopShop on the main high street in Bournemouth.

I found protestor Tilda Smith to be representative of the response I received.  “You’re telling me a person with this kind of fashion sense shouldn’t be paying more Tory tax?”  She held up a new Ipad showing me this:

Swedish Summer, Topshop Flash Sale, 214 Magaizne - LA & NY's Bloggers, Edited

“I wouldn’t be caught dead in that,” continued Tilda,  “especially now, it being a bit chilly at the moment.  And if I did want to wear that I wouldn’t mind paying a bit more tax to David Cameron.”

After chatting a bit more I asked her to describe what she was wearing to the protest.  “Nothing from in there if that’s what you are asking,” pointing at the besieged TopShop store front.  “I got this jumper from my grandparents attic, god knows how old it is but you can’t go wrong with Argyle.  These jeans are from a million years ago, I can’t even recall.   My bra, well Triumph, it was a gift.” she insists with a blush.

“36D?” I ask.

“Yes, how’d you know?!”

“I’m not a Tory but wanna go get a coffee?”

to be continued…