Archive for the ‘Satire’ Category

Pyramid Lake, NV (CN) – Arriving a day ahead of his career critical Eclipse set at Symbiosis Festival James Blake landed at the Naval Air Station a few miles away in Fallon, NV.  Accorded the preferential treatment all British Pop Stars receive from Her Majesties Royal Air Force, Blake was flown from Leuchars Airforce base in the UK to Nevada on a RAF DC-3.

James Blake, his entourage and the worlds largest Auto-tune machine arrive at NAS Fallon 1700 hours 19th May, 2012.

After landing Star and Stripes asked Blake if he had any special plans for the Lunar Eclipse set.

“Americans ruined dubstep.  They are probably ruining it right now at Pyramid Lake.”  The military and music paper of record asked what he is going to do different. “Me and the moon and the sun are going to take it back,” said James elliptically. “Me, the moon, the sun, and my big auto-tune machine.  Just wait!”

James Blakes Military I.D.

James Blake’s British Military I.D.

In other news: After a massive Friday earlier am wham bang boom set Photek left Symbiosis in stunning fashion:

Photek Blasts Off To Next Gig After Massive Pyramid Eclipse Set

Pyramid Lake, NV (CN) –

– Schedule Update –
Birds of Paradise – CANCELLED
Instead something much more exciting…
11:45- 2:00pm Eclipse Stage
European Champions League Final 2012  Live from Munich, Germany:

Come to the Eclipse Stage to watch the Chelsea FC Headhunters vs the ‘Braggadocio of Barvaria

Pyramid Lake, NV (CN) – High Indian winds and all natural sand conspired to slow set up top a snails pace.

Nectar Symbiosis Crew Hits Delays

How will the weather gods treat Symbiosis the rest of the weekend?

 

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Pyramid Lake, NV (CN) – Photek has everything going for him.  Not only is he from England, he resides in Los Angeles!  He has a handsome, gaunt, serious face best captured in black and white.

Photek was one of the pioneers of drum and bass; his first release coming out in 1994.   A master producer, he’s done remixes of everyone from Pinch to David Bowie to Roni Size to, yes, Evanescence.  You’ll find movie soundtracks and a Grammy nomination in his CV.  And yet Photek isn’t a headliner; he is in the same milieu as the Venice Beach Dub Kirtanistanis and some dude from Glitch Mob.

Photek represents the tension more mainstream electronic acts have encountering the Burner/New Age festival scene.  He wants to be there, playing to all these dubsmart tribal trendsetters.  If only he could just translate Photek into sanskrit, incorporate some samples of Bulgarian folk music into his set and jingle when he walked he’d be top of the bill.

For all that Symbiosis has it right.

 Photek will probably sell as many tickets and bring as much enthusiasm to the dusty dance floor as can be expected of a DJ listed 21st on the bill.  You wonder if flavor of the month James Blake ain’t exactly selling Symbiosis tickets like honey from a telephone either.

Part of this is Photek’s fault.  He music veers to the minimal, icy matte steel halls of some dystopian Japanese sci-fi flick.

Japanese Sci Fi or 90s DnB?

But give Photek his due – his well crafted tunes play complex, deep and like Burial get under your skin.

If you still associate Photek with 90s DnB hits like Rings Around Saturn (still an awesome track), listen to some of his new tunes like Fountainhead and go check him out at Symbiosis, you may just have your sonic socks blown off.

Photek on Soundcloud May Mix

Twitter: @photek

photek.fm

Pyramid Lake, NV (CN) – In perhaps the most eclectic musical act at Symbiosis this year is ‘Paul vs Paul’.  A DJ smackdown of styles that could not contrast more without the magnetic poles reversing.  Like a set featuring Photek vs Goldie – this could be massive so long as no MCs are involved.  It’s recommended the audience listen to this set on a heavy dose of 2C-E seated on the ground while attempting to levitate a copy of Mises ‘Human Action’.

Ron Paul – A mechanic on the decks Paul only spins vinyl; goes heavy on the 808s and loves that soft purrrrrr analog equipment provides.  “You have to use gold connector banana plugs or it just doesn’t sound right,” says Paul.  You’ll never see DJ Paul peeking over a laptop during a live set.   He tends to spin on the edge of mainstream electronic music.  At a live Ron Paul set you’ll likely hear a strange combination of uncomfortable Acid House, Byzantine Belgium 2-Step and Jeff Mills fueled rabbit quick Detroit House ending in mid-90s symphonic, wet DnB reminiscent of Future Loop Foundation.  Somehow he manages to hold it together in a dialectical techno whole.

Paul Krugman – Eschews vinyl in favor of knob twisting.  “This dj runs Abelton live on a Macbook Pro outputting to an Apoge emsemble soundcard with 4 stereo outs from the ensemble to a Pioneer DJM-800 set up,” said DJ Krugman about himself.  “Recently I’ve employed a 16×16 Monome controller and touch screen Lemur thrown in for extra crowd stimulus.”

Krugman revels in bringing the masses through the hills and valleys of symphonic trance in the style of early Italian Mauro Picotto trance and DJ’s with ‘van’ in their name.  Paul also likes to throw in old school sounds from 70s disco with overtones of Andy Gibbs morphed into the modern Nordic welfare state space disco of Prins Thomas & Lindstrøm.

The less groovy Bloomberg Music recently held a preview of what you can expect:

For their Symbiosis performance Ron Paul has stated he will grow a beard and make amends with Julio Iglesias.  For his part Paul Krugman said he will be studying Roman economic policy  and attempting to communicate with the spirit of his last past life as a Long Island fifties house wife hooked on sherry, black beauties and ironing pillowcases.

Gerlach, NV (CN) – The Event North of Reno has been designated a Zombie Safe Zone in a map commissioned by the US Congress.  An interactive map released Monday displaying possible danger zones and resources for the coming Zombie Apocalypse lists the site of the Burning Man arts festival as a safe zone.

We believe the desert could accommodate 100,000,” said Burning Man spokesperson Maid Marian.  “Doesn’t matter whether its for Flaming Lotus Girls art and frozen pickle dildos or fleeing for your life from the walking dead.  Folks will arrive at the gate looking about the same; full of energy and eager to get in.”

Burner vs. Zombie

An anonymous Prepper and Survivalist expert associated with SurvivalBlog.com  thought the designation as a Zombie Safe Zone was dubious.  “Burners do a lot of TEOTWAWKI prep work great; food and dubstep for instance.  But they will have to reconsider not letting firearms in.”

Burning Man Gate, Perimeter, and Exodus Coordinator ‘Randi Fence’ was asked if Burning Man could repel a zombie horde.

“They don’t have a ticket they don’t get in.  Zombie or no zombie, its that simple.”

The Map of the Dead was commissioned by the America is Ready for the Zombie Apocalypse Act (ARZAA) passed by Congress in 2009.  Start up company Doejo known more for their martial arts acumen than their cartography skills were awarded the no bid contract to create the map.  “I’m not sure if Burning Man is safe,” said Doejo founder Dusty Merc. “But Burning Man handed us a couple hundred tickets before the lottery so we figured the least we could do is list them as ‘safe’.”

Zombies have been seen at Burning Man before but in small numbers near Opulent Temple around dawn.  They were easily dispatched.

Burning Man continues to provide jobs and opportunity aplenty to those willing to take the leap:

Chief Consumptive Marc wishes to apologize for the long delay in important news surrounding the Event North of Reno.  I have been up to my hips in deep, dusty investigative journalism of the highest caliber.

More news and reports more often from here until the Burn to End Them All 2012.  Stay Tuned.  Then Turn On, Flick the Lighter and Burn Out.

BREAKING NEWS – NEW 2012 BURNING MAN THEME: ‘BURNERS.ME 2.0
MORE DETAILS ON THIS DEVELOPING STORY WILL BE POSTED HERE AS WE GET THEM

Burners.ME 2.0

TenderBurn, SF (CN) – Fertility 2.0 is no more.   In the midst of the 2012 Burning Man Ticket Apocalypse an anonymous source from the upper echelons of The Event North of Reno claims the previously announced theme ‘Fertility 2.0’ has been scraped.

“Unless Fertility means ‘Anger Wrapped in Frustration and Deep Fried in Resentment’, it just doesn’t fly,” stated Dusty Throat from a car park in Antioch where Consumptionblog agreed to meet.  “Instead we at Burning Man HQ feel it is far more fitting that the 2012 theme be ‘Burners.ME 2.0‘. Please don’t take this as us being in any way bitter or fed up with Burners whining and moaning over every goddamned little thing we do or don’t do.   Rather it’s meant to reflect the new online lives we are all living or something.”

I LOVE the new theme!

While the new theme will be a surprise to many Burners, especially the hundreds of thousands of Burning Man Virgins holding tickets, it’s actually a reprise from the Burn of ’79.  Held at Studio 54 in New York City the ‘Burners ME!’ event featured the Burning of a 20 foot Crescent Moon Man holding a spoon.  It was considered one of the worst Burns in the history of the event.

Very Few Remember the Burn of '79

This is a developing news story.  More details here on the dramatic theme U-Turn as they become available.

Watch Out!

Hone Creek, Costa Rica (CN) – The veracity of Consumptionblog’s Investigative Reports are often questioned.  None more so than a story we ran in November of 2011 citing anonymous sources that Burning Man was going to adopt an NFL style draft system to distribute tickets.  Consider the draft implemented √

Burning Man Adopts NFL Draft for 2012 Ticket Distribution

Posted: November 11, 2011

The 17 members of Burning Man Corp.’s Board of Directors will pick Burner draftees in order of preference until all of the available tickets are distributed.

‘The new NFL Draft ticket distribution modality makes the whole process simpler and based on meritocracy as judged by me and 16 other awesome Burners.” said Board of Director and popular NPR Fresh Air’ hostess Terry Gross.

While old news to us Sy Hersh devotees of deep investigative journalism, this was revealed as FACT late yesterday evening by the good folks in charge of the Event North of Reno.

Ticket Update: Rebuilding Black Rock City 2012

Where Will He Be Drafted?

1. Burning Man organizers and staff will issue tickets to major theme camps and art projects using a process outlined below…

Because we know this number cannot possibly satisfy the entirety of that demand, we will use practical criteria to determine eligibility. These groups will be reviewed for:

  1. History – A camp, project or participatory work must be in our database from past years. (We have ways to track name changes for groups over time.)
  2. Demonstrated Community Benefit – A project has been interactive in a way that has been experienced as meaningful, provides support for Black Rock City’s infrastructure, or provides services for our community. Basically, how the project helps make the community and create its magic.
  3. LNT – A group has demonstrated adherence to and good practices around Leave No Trace and are committed to our community perpetuating the message of LNT.
  4. 10 Principles – A group or project fully embraces the 10 Principles in their entirety.

Check back here regularly @ Consumptionblog for more reality based journalism surrounding Burning Man 2012.