I imagine you are a lot like me.  You cried whenever one of your parental units stopped reading Joseph Conrad aloud and tried to switch to this James fellow and his Giant Peach.  Roald Dahl was the name of the perpetrator of your tears.  As you read below you have reason to cry even louder, but as a grown adult you can now do something about it:

Via the Internet via Boing Boing via ThisRecording:

http://thisrecording.com/today/2011/6/1/in-which-we-consider-the-macabre-unpleasantness-of-roald-dah.html

There is a little bit for everyone to hate about Roald Dahl –

Jews: He hates them.

Republicans: Homewrecker

The Military: Couldn’t hack the AirForce.

Women: He hates them.

Africans: He hates them.

Children: He writes books for the little beasts.

People who work in publishing companies: He yells at them.

Rep. Anthony Weiner: His inappropriate sexy time stuff seems so much more inappropriate and interesting than you.

His writing: It often wasn’t, like, very good and stuff.

His name: Learn how to spell “Roald” – as if.

How can We The People strike back at Roald Dahl?

Help send Roald Dahl to an early grave.

Take that dog eared copy of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (A secret reference to the Viet Cong btw) and Burn it.  Burn that Giant Peach as well.  Matilda? Burn it too.  On a Kindle?  Burn the Kindle.

You have one week to do this – be brave, buy a lighter, take pictures.

Safety First in Chile

Posted: June 6, 2011 in News
Tags: , , ,

Remember Boys and Girls - Always wear your safety vest around the volcano!!!

BREAKING: As Ghaddafi’s regime crumbles in Libya its believe he has fled from one desert to anther, arriving early Monday morning in Gerlach on an Early Arrival Pass.

Deathguild

Every Burn since Roman times BurningMan and Deathguild’s Thunderdome has hosted a DeathMatch between two hardened brigands. In the fight where both win a prize – the sweet silence of everlasting death for one and freedom from imprisonment for the other – this year, 2011, is MUST WATCH DEATHMATCH.

DeathGuild and BurningMan held a joint press conference on the ashes of Empire, NV to announce the first DeathMatch Gladiator:

He’ll hit you as many ways as you can spell his name.

His bizarre fashion sense will blind you like playa dust thrown in your eyes.

He’s as crazy as San Francisco Giants Relief pitcher Brian Wilson.

His lengthy rambling talks will feel like 100 bodyshots.

He’s won more prize money than Floyd “The MoneyMaker” Mayweather.

After stepping in the ring with him you’ll soon be begging for the services of his voluptuous blonde Ukrainian nurse.

Yes folks, weighing in at 10 stone not counting the chemical weapons hidden in his rhinestone covered boxer briefs the 42 time Libyan heavy weight champion and war criminal…

The Terror of Tripoli

The Bashaw of Benghazi

The Marader of the Mahgreb

The Jumping Jehoshaphat of Juventus

wait for it…wait for it…wait for it

Muammar Ghaddafi!

Muammar Gaddafi

At the time of the press release The Colonel was not available for comment. The whereabouts of his secret training facility, rumored to be at a Toureg desert Oasis, hidden from the press and the world.

Stay Tuned to find out which War Criminal Ghaddafi will be facing off against. Because the Man Burns in less than 90 days and justice will Burn even brighter.

She’ll be a better pop star having served time as a sex slave.  Liam Neeson is a bad ass.

‘Minimalist Minimalism Pt. 1’  is a new, expansive, and baroque series on tips for unorthodox ways to achieve and live a minimalist lifestyle in today’s ever complex modern life.

Planning your Minimalist Lifestyle in Advance.*

4 easy steps to achieving a minimalist lifestyle in under two years.

The Key: Execution

Step One:
Get married to a spouse that will make your friends whisper at the reception ‘I give it 18 months, tops.’

Step Two:
Sign a prenuptial agreement very favorable to your new spouse.

Step Three:
Ensure marriage lasts 18 months, tops.

Step Four
Settle divorce quickly, agreeing to all of your spouses unreasonable demands.  Employ minimalism in your defense by not hiring a lawyer.

Following these easy 4 steps will ensure at some point in the very near future you will be left with very little.  This is a great opportunity to engage in and practice the minimalist lifestyle you’ve always wanted to live.

MANTRA:

The money and possessions belong to her now.

The freedom to live simply?

All you.

*Disclaimer – Minimalism may  be out of style in two years time – you may want that divorce now.

If Terrence Malick were from Guangdong province, raised in mean streets of east Oakland and made documentaries about ravers, youth culture and drugs his name wouldn’t be Terrence Malick.

His name would be Le Sheng Liu.

And his new documentary ‘After EDC’ has a trailer out.

Consumptives – please do check out the trailer immediately:

Thanks to you the loyal Consumptionists readers out there in not so tangible land we have a our first sponsor.  Luckily it’s a consumer product Consumptionists can consume in copious quantities.

From ‘Peripatetic‘ the company that brought you the 1980s Young Adult Depression vehicle The Journey of Natty Gann & Bacon!  The Musical:

Mesquite Grilled Water – ‘You Don’t Have to Flip It!’ ®

It’s as easy as 1-2-3

1) Pour the desired amount out of the 12 oz. bottle onto a charcoal or gas grill.

2) Watch that mesquite grilled water sizzle for just under a minute.

3) Serve Immediately to astounded and dumbstruck guests.

A new racist Anti-Obama Campaign has been launched by the Koch Brothers.  Via a sock puppet in Arizona named Chris ‘Get the government off my state’ Lotto a Facebook campaign urging paid employees of Koch Industries to stick anti-Obama Post It notes on gas pumps across America.

As millions of dollars of Koch Bro. $ has poured in the campaign has surged with thousands of Facebook fans and pictures of Post-It Notes accessorizing gas pumps from across America.

Proof of the Koch Brother involvement until this point has been scant.  Further proof of their involvement say anti-gas pump campaign spokesman and striker for La Liga de Alajuelense Jonathan McDonald.

“It’s not well known that Koch Industries owns Post-It Notes and the Koch Brothers are up to their necks in the oil business. This is a sticky, cynical ploy to increase Koch Industry profits,” panted McDonald as he played keep-y up-y with a soccer ball at the Estadio Alejandro Morera Soto. “The Koch Brothers didn’t make billions being stupid – the fact there is little evidence of their involvement in this so-called grassroots campaign only bolsters our case.”

“This is clearly a racist campaign on behalf of the Koch Brothers, Mr. Lotto and these other so-called ‘grassroots activists’ growled Mickey Hazard, former Tottenham Hotspur midfielder and current London Black Cab Driver.  “Have you ever tried to find black Post It Notes?  They don’t bloody exist.”

McDonald, Hazard and other left leaning opponents have teamed up to form ‘Kick Racism out of Gasoline’ campaign. The new group has enlisted two powerful enemies in its campaign against these gas pump post its: The Wind and Daddy Yankee Reggaeton Mega Hit ‘La Gasolina’.

Representatives of the Koch Brothers were not available for comment.

The Post-It Note Factory located in Burma where a rainforest used to be appeared not to have a phone.

Bournemouth, UK – ‘Tory Direct Action Group UK UnCut steps up campaign against Topshop’.  I read that headline recently and being a naive, curious American I set to find about more about this oddly named group.

First off, ‘Uncut’.  Get that silly image out of your head. It’s not that kind of uncut. Nor is it the SouthPark kind of UnCut though the group would like certain things bigger and longer, mainly the Tory government.  As I’ve found UK Uncut is a thicket of wooly bohemian reactionaries hailing mainly from the south of England.  They desire that places they wouldn’t be caught dead in like Topshop and Lewis Hamilton to give more money to the Tory Government on the theory they will spend it better than people who aren’t Tory Governments.

The group has quickly become notorious invading and protesting TopShop, Marks & Spencer, Fortnum & Mason and others.

I interviewed several UK  Uncut supporters recently at a demo in front of a TopShop on the main high street in Bournemouth.

I found protestor Tilda Smith to be representative of the response I received.  “You’re telling me a person with this kind of fashion sense shouldn’t be paying more Tory tax?”  She held up a new Ipad showing me this:

Swedish Summer, Topshop Flash Sale, 214 Magaizne - LA & NY's Bloggers, Edited

“I wouldn’t be caught dead in that,” continued Tilda,  “especially now, it being a bit chilly at the moment.  And if I did want to wear that I wouldn’t mind paying a bit more tax to David Cameron.”

After chatting a bit more I asked her to describe what she was wearing to the protest.  “Nothing from in there if that’s what you are asking,” pointing at the besieged TopShop store front.  “I got this jumper from my grandparents attic, god knows how old it is but you can’t go wrong with Argyle.  These jeans are from a million years ago, I can’t even recall.   My bra, well Triumph, it was a gift.” she insists with a blush.

“36D?” I ask.

“Yes, how’d you know?!”

“I’m not a Tory but wanna go get a coffee?”

to be continued…

With 2012 quickly approaching and destruction all around us isn’t it time you prepared for the worst Gaia and the Obama administration has to throw at you?

From the creators of Chia-ShivaPet © comes Aquarius Survival Pack ™-

‘Because you didn’t survive your past life.’ ™

Each Backpack comes equipped to help you and your two closest poli partners (choose wisely) commune with Nature for at least a week after any disaster.

One Disaster Mandala for Contemplation and Mercy especially designed by barefoot New Age co-star of Dual Survivor Cody Lundin

43 Vegan Organic MREs (You guessed right. Lentils and Chickpeas with some spices.  Yummy!)

1000mg of pure MDMA helpfully scaled out in 110mg doses

Ultra lite-weight fold-able yoga mats

Sewing Kit

Patagonia, Lululemon and The Northface Labels to sew on any clothes you may scavenge

Compostable Cutlery – naughty naughty you survivors over there with your plastic sporks…

Three 7th Generation Toilet paper rolls with 100 Bill McKibben columns embroidered on each roll.  If you are on a Shamanic Cleanse – this TP will last a very long time indeed.

One water and fire proof deck each: Tarot, Goddess, UNO.

Freeze dried Kombucha Mother (Just add water!) Kombucha is known to fight the effects of radiation and other toxins so don’t worry about your water source.

Ph testing strips – because you want the best Ph balance you can at the end of the world.

And finally

Six pre-sharpened New Age healing crystals – if Gaia proves to be the vindictive bitch you’ve always kinda suspected she was you can slit your wrists and end it all.

All of this in a hemp backpack made by indigenous people no where near where you live now but guaranteed to be a very special and authentic location (China).

Best of all about the Aquarius Survival Pack is what you WON’T find. Western Medicine. Or your money back.  That’s right folks we guarantee absolutely:

No Antibiotics

No Painkillers

Not even Neosporin

All this for the special pre-Burn price of three payments of $199.99

Namaste.