I’m sitting here at home watching the live feed and listening to BMIR. Wow! I am Double Bummed to be missing the Burn this year. The biggest reason? For the first time in Burning Man history there will be a Double Acid Monday celebration. Twice in one Burn you get to celebrate this holiest of holidays.
If you are doubtful about wanting to celebrate tomorrow here are 4 reasons why you should:
1) Food conservation – who wants to eat on a belly full of 200 mics of LSD? Nobody. Make the food you have last and drop acid!
2) It will make the mud full of color and promise.
3) Lose track of time and space. With a little bit of Acid Monday Magic Thursday and the afterparty at the GSR in Reno will be here before you know it.
4) The Man and the Temple Burn Monday night! Double Burn!
Someone gifted Hurricane Hilary a ticket to Burning Man2023
Ahoy Burners!
Sometimes the Playa Conditions Report writes itself – I had a hurricane in mind when imagining the conditions that will greet Burners on the playa this year. Does this make me Playa Nostradamus? Probably. But as you’ll see, I wasn’t the only one who predicted a hurricane in the forecast for TTITD 2023.
The aftermath of the hurricane will be one huge salt lake, giving Burning Man a nautical aspect for the first time in many decades. Are you prepared?
My advice: Leave your bikes at home
Have you ever rode a bike through a desert in a hurricane? Me neither. Because you can’t. The wind and rain will blow you and your useless bike over into a thick morass of playa mud from which you may never escape like a volcanic explosion at Pompeii.
The Burn of 79 CE…it was a good Burn!
In celebration of the newly arrived oceanic nature of the Burn I will be uploading a nautical based acid house mix shortly for Acid Monday – stay tuned for the link.
Nautical facts about Burning Man you probably didn’t know:
Old Grimey, the amazing Art Car for NectarVillage was Dreamed up, Designed and Built by the totally awesome Chris Crazy Fart Box. In its original form before it came to the playa it was a small boat Chris salvaged from the SF Harbor and brought to his bonded warehouse near the docks. That’s why the driver of Grimey always has to wear a Captain’s hat at all times. The hardest part of building Grimey was putting wheels on it and a car engine. But it is still seaworthy and in past Burns, right at dawn, it demonstrated its magical ability to float above the playa. If things get really out of hand with the Burner Hurricane of 2023, Old Grimey will be a great art boat to be aboard.
Something or rather someone at camp should also give you hope: Vice-Admiral Soup. Soup attended the Naval Academy in Annapolis and is a master sailor who eats hurricanes for breakfast. He practically lives on the water in the salty port town of Sausalito. Have you been to the grotto in his house? It’s amazing. He sails everyday to SF for his job in the HMS Salty Soup. It’s little wonder he is in charge of navigating the event this year for the BMORG Corp.
It’s also noteworthy that the Temple this year is based on the myth of Noah’s Ark and if you look on a map of the playa it has no fixed address this year.
Like any good Burner, I have no idea what the theme of this years Burn is and with the exception of 2007 can’t remember any theme but when I saw a mock up of the Man this year it certainly raised an eyebrow or three with me:
The Man 2023 [pictured above] currently being built on the playa by Fire Boy and a dedicated crew of metalsmiths and undersea welders.
Finally I think most veteran Burners will agree with me on the following: Of my top 10 experiences ever at the Burn, I was wet for seven of them. So enjoy the hurricane Burners and don’t forget your flippers.
Before the Saturday quarter final World Cup extravaganza against the Dutch take these words to heart: : “Dutch Footballers are Nasty, Brutish, and Tall.” Tommy Hobbes – famous English football commentator at the World Cup in 1651 in Groningen featuring the Oranje menace versus the Kingdom of Silesia.
“Robben is a Wanker”
Team Silesia took the lead on a face paced counter break driving down the right wing and swinging in the Charles I’s head which was used as the ball and headed home by attacking Silesia man mountain Miesko. During the half time interval King Charles II, still smarting over his dead fathers utility in scoring one against his home side ordered the Silesia team drawn and quartered. This is where the term “quarter finals” is derived from. The Kingdom of Silesia, in a state of embarrassment had itself drawn and quartered into four kingdoms, promptly joining the Czech, Poles, Austrians and Germans, never again making it to the knock out stages of a World Cup.
Fernley, NV (CB) – In 2014 Consumptionblog will totally be your source for all news Burning Man. Like CNN in 1991 Consumptionbloggers will be providing 24/7 live news coverage of all events leading up to Burning Man, 2014, ‘Bromance’.
Is there a crowdfunded seance summoning Paul Addis?
Burning Founder
You won’t find this kind of news in the more traditional mainstream media like Harper’s Bazaar or Reddit.
What’s happening today, April 1st, 2014 you ask? Well, not much – it’s about 47F in Gerlach. Some e-mails were sent about the Port-a-Pottie contract. Several Burners complained about waiting 19 minutes at the totally huge new Blue Bottle Coffee cafe in Temescal, Oakland.
Little Nixon, NV – The newly minted not-for-profit Burning Man Organization of America in association with Black Rock Solar, Inc. just issued the following statement about fire poi at this years’ Burning Man Festival:
Starting at Burning Man 2014, ‘Commiserate’ we hereby declare all fire poi to be powered by solar or other approved alternative energy sources. This may affect the time the Man is Burned (probably noon-ish this year). The Department of Fire, Poi Division will be set up near the DMV this year where all poi instruments will be checked and licensed before being approved for use. There will be 2 classes of Poi license, one for daytime use only and the other, for both day and night time use. The number of licenses issued will be limited to 178. All those found in violation of these rules will be forced to attend Ranger Training.
More information will be produced soon but the sun is going down and we need to conserve power on our solar free range organic laptops.
Soon to be rare Night Time Fire Poi at Burning Man?
When I saw the news flash of a meteorite hitting Russia today I immediately ascribed it’s origins to Burning Man. As a long time Burner, how could I not? For more on this unique event I went to the source, BurningMan.com. What I found was a cover up of all evidence the meteorite stirke was caused by the people who run Burning Man. Burners.me will soon have the full story I am sure.
Percent of the population for whom English is their first language
86% (81% – 90%)
Percent of population who reside in the US
76% (59% – 93%)
Except the fact that Bumblers are all hedonistic consequentialists practicing radical anarcho-syndicalism in all aspects in our lives and thus uniformly vote Republican, sans two wild and wooly Kantian Canadians, you basically nailed the nail on the head with the Burning Hammer of Truth.
Because of this radical self expression of group similarity between Bumblepuss and Burning Man I suggest that in 2013 you simply take a census at Bumblepuss. This would save the time and money of the BMorg and perhaps lower the ticket prices by .25¢. Volunteers could be used for other purposes such as staying in Reno and preparing the Grand Sierra Resort for the after party. Finally, those concerned with the relentless measurement-ization of Burning Man would have their worse Orwellian fears simultaneously assuaged and inflamed.
We at Bumblepuss after a long days work helping naked people into the Steambath Project puff our chests out, put our hands up and say,
“Count Us, Burning Man; for We, Bumblepuss, are Burning Man!”
6:30 and Something, maybe D, sorta near Nectar Village, NV (CN) – I found this headlamp at the Burn. Is it yours? Sorry I took so long.
Yours? Really?
Decompression was really tough and if I’m honest, I kinda like using it.
I think it’s a BlackDiamond. It was Tuesday after the Burn, it was in a bag on an abandoned bike on 6:30 and something, maybe D, sorta near Nectar Village. It was extremely dusty. From the location I found this headlamp I could see a Budget rental truck, a couple tents and the flags from the top of Center Camp.
Do you use Duracell? Then this might be yours.
Perhaps the biggest identifying element on it is the Duracell batteries. They still power the headlamp.
From the Playa to the Galaxy
If you believe this to be your headlamp, please submit a story how you lost it in the comments section below and then mail a blood, hair and stool sample plus $125 cash for testing to the Hotel Galaxy in Changuinola, Panama, Bocas Del Toro, Avenida 17 de Abril c/o ‘Gringo’s Lost Headlamp’ where it currently provides light during occasional power outages. The headlamps rightful owner, once identified, will arrange to meet me at Burning Man 2013, Cargo Cult in Nevada, somewhere around 6:30 and something, sorta near Nectar Village.
American Redoubt, ID (CN) – The US economy grew by 1.9% in the 1st quarter of 2012, saving it from the double dip recession currently bumming out big chucks of Europe. Economists have pointed to ‘Preppers’ as the reason the US economy did not double dip the depression chocolate in the recessionary peanut butter.
TEOTWAWKI? Bring It On!
Preppers are Americans who try to bring maximum excitement to their dull, pointless existence by preparing for the shit to go down big time. They are known primarily as middle class white consumerists who stockpile huge reserves of food and essential survival equipment like water filters, bug out bags and cool Tumblr pages.
I no survive with no LOLZ katz TUMBLR
For most of American history Preppers were simply called ‘Mormons’ or ‘Survivalists’ and lived well outside mainstream acceptance. But with the global economy in the global shitter and the rise of Mitt Romney, being a Prepper is down right preppy.
The Television now has 16 reality shows dedicated to all things ‘Prepper’ including:
National G’sDoomsDay Prepper VH1’s nostalgicSgt. Preppers Lonely Heart Club Band Travel Channel almost intelligent Anthony Bourdain’s No Preparation NBC‘s popular sitcom Prep and Recreation AMC‘s Madmen Discovery‘s Doomsday Bunkers Bravo‘s Queer Eye for the Survivalist Guy E‘s comedy review show The Freeze Dried Soup HBO‘s adult themed Gloryhole Showtime‘s adult themed Idaho-ication BBC America‘s Top Prep Univision‘s telenovela Mi Amor, Mi Refugio de Tormenta MTV‘s Pimp my Pantry Animal Planet‘s Meet the Preppers Lifetime‘s new movie: All my Mayan left me was a broken heart and an empty larder
and Sci-Fi Channel‘s Apocalypse 2235 a.d.
According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics Prepper purchases of peanut butter, Big Berky water filters, totally awesome looking .308 long rifles, orange plastic buckets and other gear deemed essential for survival were responsible for 18% of all US economic activity in the first part of 2012.
Filling the economy full of lead with my trusty .308
Noted Prepper and blogger Stockton Stash told Consumptionblog, “Me and my family bought 6.9 metric tones of rice so far this year after it looked like Ron Paul might not win the Republican nomination. If that helps keep the American economy afloat until the Mayans decide to reverse the poles, so be it.”
According to Bearish Futures analyst, Andy Gibbs, “It may have been unintentional but Preppers are a bulwark against the US turning into a PIIGS. If only the Greeks had begun canning Moussaka by the millions about a decade ago they could have avoided all this.”
CONSUMPTION BLOG 