Someone gifted Hurricane Hilary a ticket to Burning Man2023
Ahoy Burners!
Sometimes the Playa Conditions Report writes itself – I had a hurricane in mind when imagining the conditions that will greet Burners on the playa this year. Does this make me Playa Nostradamus? Probably. But as you’ll see, I wasn’t the only one who predicted a hurricane in the forecast for TTITD 2023.
The aftermath of the hurricane will be one huge salt lake, giving Burning Man a nautical aspect for the first time in many decades. Are you prepared?
My advice: Leave your bikes at home
Have you ever rode a bike through a desert in a hurricane? Me neither. Because you can’t. The wind and rain will blow you and your useless bike over into a thick morass of playa mud from which you may never escape like a volcanic explosion at Pompeii.
The Burn of 79 CE…it was a good Burn!
In celebration of the newly arrived oceanic nature of the Burn I will be uploading a nautical based acid house mix shortly for Acid Monday – stay tuned for the link.
Nautical facts about Burning Man you probably didn’t know:
Old Grimey, the amazing Art Car for NectarVillage was Dreamed up, Designed and Built by the totally awesome Chris Crazy Fart Box. In its original form before it came to the playa it was a small boat Chris salvaged from the SF Harbor and brought to his bonded warehouse near the docks. That’s why the driver of Grimey always has to wear a Captain’s hat at all times. The hardest part of building Grimey was putting wheels on it and a car engine. But it is still seaworthy and in past Burns, right at dawn, it demonstrated its magical ability to float above the playa. If things get really out of hand with the Burner Hurricane of 2023, Old Grimey will be a great art boat to be aboard.
Something or rather someone at camp should also give you hope: Vice-Admiral Soup. Soup attended the Naval Academy in Annapolis and is a master sailor who eats hurricanes for breakfast. He practically lives on the water in the salty port town of Sausalito. Have you been to the grotto in his house? It’s amazing. He sails everyday to SF for his job in the HMS Salty Soup. It’s little wonder he is in charge of navigating the event this year for the BMORG Corp.
It’s also noteworthy that the Temple this year is based on the myth of Noah’s Ark and if you look on a map of the playa it has no fixed address this year.
Like any good Burner, I have no idea what the theme of this years Burn is and with the exception of 2007 can’t remember any theme but when I saw a mock up of the Man this year it certainly raised an eyebrow or three with me:
The Man 2023 [pictured above] currently being built on the playa by Fire Boy and a dedicated crew of metalsmiths and undersea welders.
Finally I think most veteran Burners will agree with me on the following: Of my top 10 experiences ever at the Burn, I was wet for seven of them. So enjoy the hurricane Burners and don’t forget your flippers.
Please read the following history of Bumblepuss – we are coming up on two decades of Bumblepuss and it’s important that those of you who have only been camping with Bumble since 2015 (or even later!) know and appreciate our storied history.
A quick history of the origins of Bumblepuss and couches…and I swear this is actually, mainly true according to my Burner diary/journal I keep from each Burn.
Close your eyes dear Bumble and remember back to the simpler times of 2007. Life was good. The iphone was not yet upon us. ‘Umbrella’ by Rihanna was making us feel gratitude for just being alive. There were a mere 47,097 Burners. The French were on strike. I drank beer and had a myspace account.
The Burn of 2007 was a tumultuous affair called ‘Green Man’ because it made most people sick. The Man was Burned twice, first on Monday by ‘the last true Burner’, Paul Addis, who would go on to perform his last piece of art on San Francisco’s troubled public transport system.
Last True Burner
Soup and myself might have had something called an Art Car crash caused by a technical malfunction that sent someone to the hospital in Reno. As far as we know he lived but he could be dead now, it was a long time ago. The art car in question, Sage-N-ator (2007) nee Satreheddron (2003, 2005) was designed and built originally by a pyromaniac engineer named Docktor Random who designed fire suppression sprinkler systems for a living (I swear to God this is true). At a small decompression party in San Diego he once tried to set a beach on fire using old christmas trees and homemade explosives. The beach won but by the narrowest of margins. He was probably not a great engineer to rig an RV to be driven from the roofdeck. Safety third blah blah blah…
Our humble narrator found himself washing dishes during the 2007 Temple Burn in the notorious indentured labor camp known ironically as HBGB “Healers” (These people should be avoided). Soup was completely fried as well by the HBGB experience. Something needed to change or that was going to be the last Burn. On a 15 hour ride to the much missed official decompression party at the Grand Sierra Soup and I decided to do something different. We thought – ‘hey lets have less work and stress for ourselves by creating a Village and the Camp we’ll create and live in within the Village will do practically nothing but seem really important and cool.’ 2008 rolls around and after a shabbat service in Berkeley where our idea was blessed by a rabbi and given the name ‘Bumblepuss’ we started on our path to create the Camp and Village you know and love.
True to our original sleep-deprived vision on HWY 447 in 2007 all these many years later Bumblers still do very little besides avoid the hot midday sun, slap goats, eat food, tell jokes and consume drugs. This is a good thing.
The blessed free couches of 2008
One of the biggest pre-playa tasks we had to do for a new Camp and Village was to plan and obtain all the infrastructure needed. Much of the original infrastructure from the “condos” to the kitchen and lounge pole structure and even much of the kitchen equipment, chairs and storage was purchased, donated or stolen in 2008. The fact that it still exists and provides you Bumblers with shade and bacon to this very day is a dusty miracle.
Bumble dues that first year of 2008 were only $50 per person (inflation eh?!) and our diet consisted mainly of bacon, hummus and Costco burgers. Thankfully the angry Burner Gods were looking down upon us and shook their fists and blessed us with the Great Financial Crisis for without the GFC Nectarvillage would not have been possible.
We obtained a temporary storage unit in Oakland and slowly built up our inventory of infrastructure over the summer leading up to the Burn. But one of the biggest challenges was how do you get a bunch of couches for lazy Bumblers that are comfy and of a high quality but on a very very limited budget?
During the GFC lots of bad people were being punished by losing their homes.
They were driven into exodus in a hurry, often leaving their furniture outside their undeserved, overleveraged and now empty homes. Noticies were put on craigslist. For several weekends Soup and I borrowed the huge-ass truck of a Burner named Edge and we scrambled around to all the fashionable communities in the Bay Area where furniture was being recklessly abandoned. Looking back on my list we visited Fruitvale, Hayward, Fremont, South San Francisco, north San Jose, Richmond (kitchen chairs) and even East Palo Alto. We had hundreds of comfy, high quality almost new, ‘lets refi our house for the 7th time and buy all new ticky tacky furniture, what could go wrong’ couches from the bad people to pick from and we chose the best for you and for the thousands of Bumblers and visitors who came before you. We also picked up our first two refrigerators for the camp in this manner, one of which was abandoned in 2012 on the side of a highway in Fallon, NV.
Yes, that couch is headed to Burning Man
Many things have been done on those couches including but not limited to sleeping, just lying about, not doing much of anything and vaping/hippie crack stuff and they have served with distinction. If those OG couches are being replaced they should be Burned at a ceremony on open playa, perhaps Wednesday at 2pm slightly past and to the left of the Man. No need to tell ARTery, just let folks who may be concerned know that Soup grumbled something about it was ‘probably ok’ when he was half asleep, sneezing in a robe and cowboy hat.
Lounge on the couches well Bumblers, you deserve it.
Almost a Bumbler
As a quick aside…in recognition of the contribution of the Great Financial Crisis to the successful creation of Bumblepuss and NectarVillage we invited long time Burner and hedge fund manager Michael Burry to camp with us in 2009. He refused. But according to my daily Burner journal ‘Fire Mike’ did come by and sat with us on the couches and we ate some potato chips, he played drums and Adam introduced us to DMT vaping and we laughed a bit and wigged out a bit and then he went on his way and we continued to lounge there until nightfall came. We ate a little bit of hummus and Costco hamburgers, did some drugs, dressed up pretty, put on some lights so as not to be darkwads and headed out on our bikes singing ‘BUMBLE!’ every so often but we still lost each other after 20 minutes anyways.
Soon an announcement will be made in regards to tickets for this years’ 2022 thing in the desert, AKA Burning Man. You should be excited.
Bumblepuss and Nectarvillage intend to participate to our fullest and to make it our best year since the Burn of 2003, which will never be topped.
Some of you may have heard of Covid-19. Still fewer Bumbleers have concerns about Covid-19 and related misanthropic pandemic-ery. I am here to address those Bumblers with such knowledge and related concerns.
Rest assured Bumblers. Bumble Elders have met and we have a plan.
In order that there be not only equality but equity at Bumblepuss and NectarVillage it has been decided that all Bumblers and future Bumblers planning to camp with us in 2022 need to show proof of being infected with Covid-19 at some time within the last five years.
Priority will be given to certain Covid-19 variants. Those who received the OG ChinaFlu variant in 2019 through November 2020 will be admitted automatically. Those who were gifted the Delta Tau Delta variant will have points deducted from their application but are likely to get in. Bumblers blessed with the Alpha and Omega variants may be asked to camp elsewhere. Those special Bumblers who are granted the Omnikrom virus or any of the variants from January 19th, 2022 forward with the express purpose of camping with Bumblepuss will be made Camp Leads as reward for your special dedication and initiative to all things Bumble.
If you have any questions, just realize all decisions by Bumble Elders are final.
Official statement from Burning Man Corp. about the Covid-19 ‘Corona’ virus.
Tenderloin, SF March 9th 2020 (Global Playawire) – In recent days Burning Man HQ has been bombarded by questions, concerns and wild, unhinged demands concerning this years Burn and Covid19, playa name ‘Dusty Corona‘. Frankly we’ve been appalled by most of your inquiries but nonetheless feel compelled to respond lest even worse rumors and fear mongering narratives get granted default legitimacy by our silence.
So listen and listen good.
Say ‘Yes’ to Corona
People actively hosting the Corona virus will be allowed into Burning Man this year so long as they are ticket holders and are not trying to smuggle weapons, fireworks, animals or face masks. The 12 Principals are quiet clear about this: RADICAL INCLUSION doesn’t just mean inviting your friends or allowing a Bloomberg voter to camp with you – it means actively welcoming carriers of a catastrophic global public health pandemic into the Steambath Project, on your art car, and yes, in your bacon.
If you can’t handle it there is always Coachella.
Safety will remain a distant 3rd. After a behind closed door vote by the 32nd Council of Burning Man Elders (CBE), the 11th Principal – ‘Safety Third’ will remain 3rd and not be moved up to ‘Safety 2nd’ displacing Gorilla tape and zip ties. In practice this means people with Corona virus will be admitted with a ticket (see above) and any face mask that looks like it might be effective will be confiscated at the gate.
Burning Man is an Experiment: And like any good experiment it will be studied by people who are better than you. Scientists will be seen on the playa in large numbers carrying out varied and sundry medical and scientific studies to better understand what happens when a deadly global virus experiencing hockey stick growth is embraced by an open, loving community like Burners. A few notable examples will be MAPS conducting nightly tests on 1000 subjects at White Ocean of whether 2C-B is a potential vaccine for the Corona virus. Foam Against the Machine will also be testing Dr. Bronners Magic Soap as a possible super fun and foamy topical vaccine.
You have already given your consent to on-demand blood, saliva and other specimen testing. If you don’t believe us, read the back of your ticket and don’t be surprised when you are required to give a blood sample to some guy jumping out of a golf cart in a hazmat suit near the Temple at 2am yelling. “YOU’VE BEEN CHOSEN! YOU’VE BEEN CHOSEN! Corona virus and the 12 Principals; we believe
We believe that the Radical Inclusion of Corona virus carriers on the playa is a Gift untainted by Commodification. We believe the Corona virus is fully Self Reliant and excited to fully Express itself at Burning Man this year. We believe if there are any negative effects of Corona virus on the playa that our Communal Effort and sense of Civic Responsibility will allow us to leave for the Grand Sierra Resort with No Trace of Corona virus interrupting the Immediacy of jumping in the pool head first, Safety Third.
See you dusty Burners. Please, for the love of Larry Harvey, no more questions.
Gerlach, NV (CB) – While you can be certain you’ll be hearing ‘Get Lucky’ and the golden throated voice of Giorgio Morodor all over the playa this year, will the French electronic duo actually perform at Burning Man for the first time since 2002?
Young Daft Punk perform at Opulent Temple in 2002.
The answer is almost certainly a qualified ‘wee’. After having passed on the opportunity to expand their customer base at Burning Man 2011, Consumption Blog believes Daft Punk has been slowly building themselves up to a massive tour and are actively sending out unmistakeable signs Burning Man is their launching pad.
Behold the following FACTS:
The Daft Brothers chose not to perform at Coachella, instead staying backstage and watching the opiated masses swoon over their ad. Performers at Coachella are required to sign an exclusivity contract saying they will not play at other hot festivals in the desert. By not playing Coachella, Daft Punk left the door wide open to playing Burning Man. BassNectar, not so much.
Daft Punk Tackle Monaco
Daft Punk sponsored an art car at the Monaco Grand Prix. The DMV just raised the speed limit to 205mph and added a wicked set of double S turns in deep playa beyond the Temple. Coincidence?
The speed limit is 205 mph right?
The mini-documentaries Daft Punk created in the lead up to the release of ‘Random Access Memories’ featured only males geeking out about technical musical minutiae and not remembering the night before.
Giorgio doing his best Larry Harvey impersonation, perhaps just a bit too happy…
In an interview with Vogue in which they posed with a sparkle pony modeling playafied hair, Guy Monte Cristo stated their undying love of steambaths and lavender. “Lavender after a nice steambath with a bunch of naked hippies increases your Alpha rays which have been proven to increase play and creativity.” “Guy is correct,” interjected Tommy Bangin’ Bass . “We hit the steambath every chance we got while making this album and hope to be doing so again real soon.”
Two Punks and a Sparkle Pony Walk into a bar…
So there you have it fellow Burners and jaded ravers. That’s as close to a ‘yes’ as you are ever going to get from the soundtrack challenged French Electronic Duo of Some Repute. So expect to see Daft Punk performing at Burning Man this year. Perhaps not at one of the large sound camps already overbooked with dub step acts of dubious quality but perhaps wherever you might find a combination of lavender and a wood burning Finnish designed steambath.
6:30 and Something, maybe D, sorta near Nectar Village, NV (CN) – I found this headlamp at the Burn. Is it yours? Sorry I took so long.
Yours? Really?
Decompression was really tough and if I’m honest, I kinda like using it.
I think it’s a BlackDiamond. It was Tuesday after the Burn, it was in a bag on an abandoned bike on 6:30 and something, maybe D, sorta near Nectar Village. It was extremely dusty. From the location I found this headlamp I could see a Budget rental truck, a couple tents and the flags from the top of Center Camp.
Do you use Duracell? Then this might be yours.
Perhaps the biggest identifying element on it is the Duracell batteries. They still power the headlamp.
From the Playa to the Galaxy
If you believe this to be your headlamp, please submit a story how you lost it in the comments section below and then mail a blood, hair and stool sample plus $125 cash for testing to the Hotel Galaxy in Changuinola, Panama, Bocas Del Toro, Avenida 17 de Abril c/o ‘Gringo’s Lost Headlamp’ where it currently provides light during occasional power outages. The headlamps rightful owner, once identified, will arrange to meet me at Burning Man 2013, Cargo Cult in Nevada, somewhere around 6:30 and something, sorta near Nectar Village.
Nectar Village HQ, San Francisco (CN) – As the below news footage from Burning Man 2011 demonstrate Placement are always the hardest folks to deal with at the Event North of Reno.
For more information about Nectar Village and the mysterious Soup mentioned by Adolf check out:
Gerlach, NV, (CN Wire) Burning Man Bureau of Labor Statistics (BMBLS) has released a metrics and graphs intensive report on ‘Rites of Passage’. Normally no one would care but for several startling surprises that is rumored to have Burning Man Corp. rethinking its whole raison d’être.
Careful measurement of foot traffic throughout Black Rock City confirmed rumors this year that NectarVillage received more foot and bicycle traffic than Center Camp.
Matheus Klinnsman, Chief Burner Statistician for BMBLS stated on a UStream Press conference, “As the above simple parametric graph shows NectarVillage cleaned Center Camps clock.”
“My recommendation to Burning Man Corp. is to rename Center Camp because it’s clearly no longer the center of the Burn, NectarVillage is.”
NectarVillage 2011 was composed of HBGB Healers, Shamandome, SnowKoan Solar, Contact Camp, Steambath Project and the mysterious Bumblepuss. NectarVillage was formed in the 19th Century after New York Tribune editor Horace Greeley stated “Go West Young Swedish Deep Tissue Masseuse, Go West,” or alternately after a group of Burners in a Bob’s Big Boy in Van Nuys, CA heard the new 1993 Pet Shop Boys single “Go West Young Rent Boy, Go West.”
Village Chief ‘Soup’ stated over 325 people camped with NectarVillage and were overwhelmed with traffic from every direction. Responding to press inquires via his iphone Soup responded, “Have you been destroyed! Welcome to NectarVillage Ma’am, have you been destroyed yet?”
A post-Burn DPW crew member ‘FireDust’ was asked for comment as she stumbled out of Bruno’s Country Club in Gerlach, NV. “Jazz Club? Jazz Club! $8 Coffee?! Fuck Off. NectarVillage has a Steambath. Throw up one of those and we’ll talk. Speaking of throwing up…Blaaaahhhhh…”
Burning Man Corp. was on holiday at their dacha outside Minsk and released a short response via e-mail stating, “If NectarVillage is really that popular perhaps we need to become a 501(c)3 non-profit.”
BMBLS has promised “thundering revelations of a statistical nature” later in the week. Stay Tuned to Consumption News Wire
The following truth falls like pearls from the lips and gilded onyx keyboard of Clear, a man who has many roles in Bumblepuss – High Holiest Highest Priest of Goat Slapping being first and foremost – bringer of many vibrant people to Bumble – massage artist – DPW representative and soon he’ll be cracking your ribcage open and massaging your heart as he undertakes an online course in cardiac surgery.
Please retain this for the records:
The Alternate Unabridged Version of Our people, where Burning Man Originated and how to roast an apple without getting your feet burned.
The night was one of the full eclipsed moon circa 2539 BC when the idea first hit our historical godfather’s ancestor le Gizzle del Pete…who was a dope gangsta style version of your classic Roman emperor, and the chief of the nomadic goat herding tribe the ~Umbfus’ious of Nec’ar V”lleege. It was an ancient people who’s history could go back farther, but to what end, for Gizzle was the dopest chief off that ever made history.
His father’s ancestor, it is said, was the guide to Moses. It is saidith and so it is written that the great P-Gizzle was the first of know man to step foot on the desert and piss clear. From here, people reared him as a savior. How could any man in a desert be hydrated they wondered. The Gizzle said, I am the savior and leader and one day I will bring great peace to this desert. I will lead a revolution of sorts and invention of sorts that will be the basis that saves humanity, the basis that allows humanity to evolve to the next level, conquer other planets, to go where no goat has ever gone before.
P-Gizzle roamed the lands on a vision quest, but before he left, he taught his people to cook a reguvination apple:
1 Apple
Honey
Spirulina & Maca (or earth blend)
1 Black handled mini knife/toothpick
Core Apple
(leaving the bottom fully intact so as to act a cup for the honey)
Heat Apple
Poke holes into apple from core towards skin (do not puncture skin)
Pour in Spirulina and Maca and Honey
Let sit overnight Eat Naked next day Steam Bath Project Massage Sit in sun/kitchen with other Bumblers Feel reguvinated
As time would have it, the Gizzle had been gone for what seemed centuries. Later we find out he met up with a homey named Jebus in the wilderness and granted him three wishes….long story. Nonetheless, Gizzle returned home and the people were joyous, but upset they had lost their leader for so long. They found he had returned with a man named Jebus. They blamed this man for his having had taken away their leader. Lies, said Gizzle, but nobody listened. They burned Jebus. It was…
The First Burning Man.
Later that night….they realized their wrong doing and built a temple in his honor. Gizzle said, “We shall burn this temple too for our mistake hath written history wrong! And I shallf forever be known as Jebus the savior, for I will return to the towns as he, and all the lands will know not that which has been mistaken here. And as I am gone you will make this spot your camp forever and ever and ever forever.”
They made camp upon the spot and raised an apple each to their leader.
That very night the first goat was slapped as Jebus, the leader, left. It was his famous last words in which we recall today, “From henthforth hitherto ye shall never again have a leader. For ye all will lead when leading and lead not when not leading. You will be the last and only tribe upon this planet of which will know the ways of the way. You shall be aware that you will go into history, isolated in this desert as the only leaderless group ever and forever ever forever. Ye shall know and remember, that to lead is the false way of phophets and to slap is the true belief in self, humanity and the way.” (Word for word as recorded by Broseephious the Righter in the year of Broseephious 1298 DB as in During Broseephious, which we are not sure what correlation it has to any other calender as he did not record anything else and lived isolated with the rest of the tribe from the rest of the world thereafter the recorded history.
Years later archeologists believe they have found the remains of this first tribe with their only weapon, device or food preparation tool in the Black Rock Desert where it is believed they lived during those times of old. It is also believed they fashioned thier tiny knives and picks with the bone of goat, which is long gone and the handle yet still remain, of rock. Today you find this rock between itself and the soft place we call playa.
It’s believed the camp Bumblepuss of Nectar Village and their holy Godfather T-Dizzle fled the desert in 1980 PDB as in Post During Brospephious when word came that a new people were to colonize the land, and they had a leader named Larry. The people of Bumble decided it was time to let the world come to them and they did. They opened up to a new way, they acted as if they’d never been to the desert and let the newbies believe it was a “discovery!” They populated the desert with these new peoples as one of them. They even opened their own camp to particiapte in the goings ons with them.
It’s said when someone comes around Bumblepuss and asks, “Who’s in charge?” The best answer is “I am.” Cause they don’t want anyone to know they, we, who we really are. And Jebus forbid, the Burners of today start coming to the Bumblepuss asking, how do we live a utopian society like you have? How did you figure it out in just the few short years since we’ve all been coming to the desert? How come our camp has leaders and assistants and people in charge of this and work hours and shifts, and still nothing gets done, and still there are fights and dramas? How is it your people has not a single list or leader and all is done and not a drama is in the air?
The Bumblers are said to usually direct the questions to the Goat…
And so it is said, and so it is written.
CONSUMPTION BLOG 