Archive for the ‘BurningMan’ Category

Black Rock City – Stick a fork in their bloated Adidas visored corpse.  Ravers at Burning Man are done.  After many years of Raver dominance over the hippies at Burning Man, hippies may be sitting in the cultural throne for many years to come.

Your time is done.

For years hippies at Burning Man were relegated to second class citizens.  Their drum circles were drown out by blissful anthem trance and hypnotic progressive house; they were relegated to slouching around Human Carcass Wash and HeeBeeGeeBee Healers.  In a sign of how fast things change, it was only 2011 when hippies took over the mantle of dominant subculture at Burning Man.

The soon to be ineffectual World Hippie Council released a short, celebratory statement to the media:

 “This year us hippies demonstrated that the future is a moccasin stomping on a rolling ravers face – forever.  No judgement.”

That’s right – we’re number one!

At a meeting to sign a formal treaty of surrender in the parking lot of a Beats Antique show in Omaha, Raver kingpin Syd Gris announced long time raver palace ‘Opulent Temple’ was closing up shop. “Ravers are no longer ‘Children of the Night’, said Syd in the post surrender ceremony press conference.  “Most ravers are now  parents who occasionally do a bump of blow in some suburban breakfast nook listening to a scratchy Goldie album in jittery nostalgia between over anxious texts with the babysitter.”

“All that Calvin Klein and shitty pressed pills finally caught up with us.” – Josh Wink

Double Stacked!

Analysts say Hippies had several demographic, economic and cultural trends going for them.  The 2012 apocalypse popularity was always going to favor the hippies.  And once hippies accepted bass music and dubstep into their ouvre the ravers days were numbered.

“The coveted 18-25 demographic swung almost over night to the Hippies once Bassnectar got hot.” – Gallup Research

Longtime Hippie Burner Dusty Lentil said on his tumblr blog ‘Boulder is Awesome, Man’: “Ravers and their googley eyes can talk about PLUR all they want but ravers = conspicuous consumption capitalists – that worked great in the boom years. Thankfully for us the economy collapsed.  Ever since 2007 it got a lot easier to get a girl into bed talking shit about ‘the man’ around a campfire beating on a drum, rolling a cigarette.”

Some Ravers hold out hope of a revival a few years down the road.  Found on one electronic dance music forum an anonymous poster said, “Ravers will be back at Burning Man.  Morning trance will never be defeated.  At least we still have Ricardo Villalobos and Kompakt – thank fuck for Germany.”

Black Rock City –

I met this very same fire at a Burn Barrel on a chilly night near Opulent Temple in 2006 – I’m glad to see he is still burning strong…

There is a new blog about The Event North of Reno.  It’s called BurnerLove.

BurnerLove is the Love Child of BurnerMap.  The purpose of the blog is:

‘BurnerLove’ aims to help Burners find out more about other Burners, cool projects, insider news and gossip as well as exploring and cultivating the Burner spirit that makes Burning Man so goddamn fucking awesome I giggle like a teenage girl just thinking about it.

After a marathon negotiating session on the outskirts of Tomah, Wisconsin the staff of Consumptionblog will be contributing one article per week as well as all the integrity and sense of brand loyalty that goes along with having Consumptionblog at your side.

Check out these great articles:

ConsumptionBlog – The Story So Far

Burning Man in 2 Sentences or Less

and

Interview A Burner – Soup

Follow BurnerLove on Twitter @BurnerMap and while your at it, follow us at @Consumptionblog

Gerlach, NV (CN) – The Event North of Reno has been designated a Zombie Safe Zone in a map commissioned by the US Congress.  An interactive map released Monday displaying possible danger zones and resources for the coming Zombie Apocalypse lists the site of the Burning Man arts festival as a safe zone.

We believe the desert could accommodate 100,000,” said Burning Man spokesperson Maid Marian.  “Doesn’t matter whether its for Flaming Lotus Girls art and frozen pickle dildos or fleeing for your life from the walking dead.  Folks will arrive at the gate looking about the same; full of energy and eager to get in.”

Burner vs. Zombie

An anonymous Prepper and Survivalist expert associated with SurvivalBlog.com  thought the designation as a Zombie Safe Zone was dubious.  “Burners do a lot of TEOTWAWKI prep work great; food and dubstep for instance.  But they will have to reconsider not letting firearms in.”

Burning Man Gate, Perimeter, and Exodus Coordinator ‘Randi Fence’ was asked if Burning Man could repel a zombie horde.

“They don’t have a ticket they don’t get in.  Zombie or no zombie, its that simple.”

The Map of the Dead was commissioned by the America is Ready for the Zombie Apocalypse Act (ARZAA) passed by Congress in 2009.  Start up company Doejo known more for their martial arts acumen than their cartography skills were awarded the no bid contract to create the map.  “I’m not sure if Burning Man is safe,” said Doejo founder Dusty Merc. “But Burning Man handed us a couple hundred tickets before the lottery so we figured the least we could do is list them as ‘safe’.”

Zombies have been seen at Burning Man before but in small numbers near Opulent Temple around dawn.  They were easily dispatched.

Burning Man continues to provide jobs and opportunity aplenty to those willing to take the leap:

Chief Consumptive Marc wishes to apologize for the long delay in important news surrounding the Event North of Reno.  I have been up to my hips in deep, dusty investigative journalism of the highest caliber.

More news and reports more often from here until the Burn to End Them All 2012.  Stay Tuned.  Then Turn On, Flick the Lighter and Burn Out.

BREAKING NEWS – NEW 2012 BURNING MAN THEME: ‘BURNERS.ME 2.0
MORE DETAILS ON THIS DEVELOPING STORY WILL BE POSTED HERE AS WE GET THEM

Burners.ME 2.0

TenderBurn, SF (CN) – Fertility 2.0 is no more.   In the midst of the 2012 Burning Man Ticket Apocalypse an anonymous source from the upper echelons of The Event North of Reno claims the previously announced theme ‘Fertility 2.0’ has been scraped.

“Unless Fertility means ‘Anger Wrapped in Frustration and Deep Fried in Resentment’, it just doesn’t fly,” stated Dusty Throat from a car park in Antioch where Consumptionblog agreed to meet.  “Instead we at Burning Man HQ feel it is far more fitting that the 2012 theme be ‘Burners.ME 2.0‘. Please don’t take this as us being in any way bitter or fed up with Burners whining and moaning over every goddamned little thing we do or don’t do.   Rather it’s meant to reflect the new online lives we are all living or something.”

I LOVE the new theme!

While the new theme will be a surprise to many Burners, especially the hundreds of thousands of Burning Man Virgins holding tickets, it’s actually a reprise from the Burn of ’79.  Held at Studio 54 in New York City the ‘Burners ME!’ event featured the Burning of a 20 foot Crescent Moon Man holding a spoon.  It was considered one of the worst Burns in the history of the event.

Very Few Remember the Burn of '79

This is a developing news story.  More details here on the dramatic theme U-Turn as they become available.

Watch Out!

Hone Creek, Costa Rica (CN) – The veracity of Consumptionblog’s Investigative Reports are often questioned.  None more so than a story we ran in November of 2011 citing anonymous sources that Burning Man was going to adopt an NFL style draft system to distribute tickets.  Consider the draft implemented √

Burning Man Adopts NFL Draft for 2012 Ticket Distribution

Posted: November 11, 2011

The 17 members of Burning Man Corp.’s Board of Directors will pick Burner draftees in order of preference until all of the available tickets are distributed.

‘The new NFL Draft ticket distribution modality makes the whole process simpler and based on meritocracy as judged by me and 16 other awesome Burners.” said Board of Director and popular NPR Fresh Air’ hostess Terry Gross.

While old news to us Sy Hersh devotees of deep investigative journalism, this was revealed as FACT late yesterday evening by the good folks in charge of the Event North of Reno.

Ticket Update: Rebuilding Black Rock City 2012

Where Will He Be Drafted?

1. Burning Man organizers and staff will issue tickets to major theme camps and art projects using a process outlined below…

Because we know this number cannot possibly satisfy the entirety of that demand, we will use practical criteria to determine eligibility. These groups will be reviewed for:

  1. History – A camp, project or participatory work must be in our database from past years. (We have ways to track name changes for groups over time.)
  2. Demonstrated Community Benefit – A project has been interactive in a way that has been experienced as meaningful, provides support for Black Rock City’s infrastructure, or provides services for our community. Basically, how the project helps make the community and create its magic.
  3. LNT – A group has demonstrated adherence to and good practices around Leave No Trace and are committed to our community perpetuating the message of LNT.
  4. 10 Principles – A group or project fully embraces the 10 Principles in their entirety.

Check back here regularly @ Consumptionblog for more reality based journalism surrounding Burning Man 2012.

Milf Valley, CA (CN) – Ticketless Burners are threatening to sue Dr. Seuss due to the popularity of the Burning Man themed viral video Ohh the Places You’ll Go!’  Burners who were denied tickets in the controversial Burning Man ticket lottery blame the delightful, whimsical Seussian verse for driving many non-Burners to sign up for and ultimately receive tickets.

"I won't say shit till I talk to my lawyer"

According to Andie Grace, spokesperson for the Event North of Reno on the Burning Blog:

“One such participant shared a magical YouTube video he created in 2011 (“Oh The Places You’ll Go!”) – the link hit the Huffington Post in January and went viral, eventually hitting 1.3 million views from all around the world; its visibility peaked right around the day that ticket registration opened.”

Burners considering unorthodox action to gain tickets and/or gleeful self-righteous satisfaction to this years Burning Man say the lawsuit is only one of their tools.

“We’d sue the great weather at the 2011 Burn if we could,” stated one Burner who wished to remain anonymous.  “Most likely we’ll just go to Symbiosis.

Dr. Seuss supporters responded from their compound in Mt. Soledad saying  the Doctor would plead innocence by reason of mortality.

Other 2012 Burning Man Ticket News:

Burning Man Looks to NFL for Ticket Distribution

Sex & Community Threaten Burning Man 2012

Pershing County Caucus Attendees hold a mini-Burn after the Vote

Gerlach, NV – (CN) Willard Romney, who goes by the Burner name ‘Mitt’ handily swept the three counties that comprise Burning Man in Saturday’s Republican Human Caucus Wash. Pershing, Lyon and Washoe Counties have most of the operational control of the Event North of Reno and all were easily won by Romney.

The vote reflects the deep Mormon roots of Burning Man as well as contentment with the Burner establishment.  Recent 2012 ticket lottery chaos and discontentment had many Burning Man analysts and pundits predicting a win for outsider Ron Paul.  At a campaign stop in Elko a few days before the caucus Paul won large applause promising an ‘Audit the Burn’ bill to be introduced into Congress.

Ron Paul addresses a rally of Burners in Elko, NV

“Burning Man can just print tickets without any accountability and randomly pick winners like its some kind of lottery.  That’s not in the Constitution.  If Audit the Burn passes Congress this will end!.”

Messages left at Burning Man HQ in Gerlach for comment were not returned.

San Francisco, CA (CN)  Burning Man announced last week that ‘Fertility 2.0‘ would be the theme for the 2012 Burn.  The theme was announced much later than past years.   This delay lead many to speculate that multiple themes could have made the cut.  ConsumptionBlog talked with a Burning Man insider about six other themes that received serious consideration this year.

  • Wild West – (with Wild Horses replacing of humans in DPW this year it seemed like a natural fit)
  • Bromance (that’s the default theme every year)
  • Green Man 2.0 (minus all that environmental shit)
  • The End (redundant)
  • Cous Cous and Zipties (all you need for a good Burn)
  • BurningMan 2.0 sponsored by the Grand Sierra Resort ® (showers!)
  • Zusammensindwiralleglücklich Festival (’nuff said)

Consumptionblog now asked you the reader your thoughts. 

If you had your druthers what theme would you burden the ‘Event North of Reno’ with in 2012?

Please your responses in the comments section or somewhere else…