Archive for the ‘Silly’ Category

PETA files suit against BurningMan

Posted: March 20, 2011 in BurningMan, News, Silly
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Wa Wa Wa Washington, DC – Today in federal court the pressure group PETA (People for the Esoteric Treatment of Animals) sought an injunction against the BurningMan festival being held this year.  PETA cited rampant anthropocentrism and the events’ ban on animals as the reason for their actions.

“This event is completely biased in favor of humans,” proclaimed a press release from the fringe organization best known for marching on behalf of the right to privacy for Schrödinger’s cat.  “The three main tenets of BurningMan isn’t ‘Sex, Trance, Fire’ but ‘Man, Man, mainly white 25-45 year old Man’.”

The ‘Man is Really Awesome Corp.’, the name of the corporate monolith that runs the Nevada based loquacious arts festival issued a short statement in response to the suit.

“We don’t comment on issues currently in the court, especially ones issued by cat people, and certainly not before consulting The Man, man.”

At a press conference held at the DC Office of the controversial Veterinarians for America, a spokesperson for PETA, Persian McBeagle stated their demands for BurningMan in order for them to drop the suit:

1. BurningMan be renamed something less Anthropocentric such as ‘Mainly Water’ or ‘Carbon-based Life Form’

2. The Man at the center of the event be redesigned to incorporate animal features.  Perhaps a half man half goat all frat boy Satyr.

3. The ban on animals at the event be rescinded and as reparation for their past ban be given free entry without a ticket for at least five years.

“Just like humans animals deserve one week per year of not having to wear clothes, do 2C-B, and not buy stuff with money,” bayed McBeagle.

Burners sought for comment on Second Life were outraged.  Dusty Dalek commented what many approached in game had on their mind.  “[2011/03/12 15:36] If Animals are allowed into BurningMan guess who is gonna benefit man?  Veterinarians – that’s who man, and you know who owns Veterinarians? General Electric.  And you know who own General Electric?  The Koch Bothers and they haven’t been to the Burn since 1980.  Sellouts. Connect teh dots man.”

A federal judge is expected to rule on the injunction on three weeks.

Google to buy Space Shuttle Discovery after 39th flight

Posted: February 25, 2011 in History, News, Silly
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After its 39th and final flight into near earth orbit the US owned Space Shuttle Discovery to be put to use as weekend getaway vehicle for Google executives.

“Gas Prices are a bit high right now but talk about a chick magnet,” said an unnamed Google Senior Vice President. “Once we get it up and running I’m selling my Golden Retriever on craigslist.”

Launch

Google Execs Look for Babes in North Florida During Spring Break in Shuttle Test Drive.

 

Google Execs Look for Babes in North Florida During Spring Break in Shuttle Test Drive.

Early Zionist Settlement in Lemitar, NM

Posted: February 17, 2011 in History, Silly
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Israeli re-location news now –

Following the offer given to Chief Zion Booster Committee Chairman Theodore Hertzl by British Lord Chamberlain in 1898
that Zionists could set up a homeland in Uganda a small but hearty band of Zionists from Fife, Scotland set off to move to Uganda but by an accident of 9,200.6 miles involving the US postal service and the Black Star Shipping Line they ended up in Lemitar, New Mexico, USA.

Upon meeting the newly arrived Lemitar Zionists local Apache red indians were appalled to find Eagles weren’t kosher and soon lodged complaints with both the Mexican and American Territorial authorities. The complaints fell on deaf ears and soon crude one stage Sioux made arrows were fired by the Apaches at the settlement. A long, low level war of marginal attrition was waged between the two sides in a conflict almost completely forgotten about by American historians.  The conflict lasted until the establishment of the state of Israel in 1948.

The two dozen Zionist families still in Lemitar in 1948; known to the locals as ‘Lemon Zingers’ as well several Apache Jewish converts moved to the southern Israeli City of Sderot on the border with Gaza and the Sinai Peninsula. Lemitar Leader Issac Zorathustra commented upon arriving at the city of Sderot “I feel we will be a lot more secure and prosperous here, those Red Indians could be real SOBs with their anti-Semitic arrow fire.”

The only remaining remnants of the community in Lemitar is one very lonely looking sign.

Lemitar

Mugwumps Congratulate Ron Paul After CPAC Strawpoll Win

Posted: February 15, 2011 in Silly
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Shortly after his massive victory Sunday in a bell weather poll past and future GOP presidential candidate Ron Paul took a special call from the President of the American Mugwump Society (AMS).

Paul took the poll with 30% of the vote from the thousands of conservative faithful who gather annually at the Conservative Political Action Conference in Wa Wa Wa Washington, DC.  Mitterand ‘Mitt’ Romney representing the French wing of the American conservatives took 23%.

BTSnakedlunch

AMS President Catheter Dave was always confident Paul would win.

 
“Some folks thought those sweet and tender hooligans with Students for Sensible Policy (SSDP) would put Gary Johnson in the lead but that was not to be,” rasped Catheter on the phone from an unknown location in Tangiers.

It is not known how much influence the mysterious Mugwumps have in super hot primary states like Iowa and New Hampshire.  Their picks in the past have been a mixed bag ranging from Grover Cleveland to Senator Hiram Fong.

College student ‘Likes’ Post Facebook Future

Posted: February 5, 2011 in Silly
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A sophomore at Somedumb University clicked the ‘Like’ Button at the bottom of an article entitled – “Our Post-Facebook Future”.  Asked later the student denied being ironical despite sporting a mustache.

Use of Horses during Zombie Apocalypse

Posted: February 3, 2011 in Silly, Zombie
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Two recent Reality Shows have demonstrated the limited use of horses during the Zombie Apocalypse.

The first was late last year 2010 during Episode Two when Sheriff Rick rode a horse into Atlanta, recently nicknamed by TimeOut as ‘Zomblanta’ – the second witnessed just today in Cairo.

Situational Analysis One – The Walking Dead:

Benefits: The Horse was very useful for speedy transport on the open, deserted roads that are now a hallmark of traffic patterns in Atlanta.

The horse are easy to maneuver through abandon car traffic jams. They are also easy relative to cars re-fuel with lots of readily available food sources.  Unlike gassing up a car you aren’t limited to gas stations of unknown gas supplies where there is likely to be lots of debris, rotting corpses, and of primary concern – zombies.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Negatives:

Zombies love eating horses – horses get spooked around zombies and you risk being dismounted.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Situational Analysis Two: Mounted Mubarrak Zombie Charge

During the middle slog of Aquarius 2011 we’ve seen larger and more symmetric warfare between bands of humans and and army of zombies roughly translated from Arabic as the ‘Mubarraks’.

In a surprising demonstration of zombie intelligence, teamwork and toolmaking the undead Mubarraks used horses and camels to charge their living enemies.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Benefits:

When used in groups down large avenues the use of horses and camels are an impressive, scary and surreal show of force and intimidation.

Negatives:

If you are dismounted – get ready for the ass kicking of a life time.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DvO6jdGUwoo

Conclusion: Overall horses, camels, asses, mules, jackasses, domesticated zebras and other ridable four legged friends are a good resource to have on hand.  Use them for transport, resupply, and tactical withdrawal.  However horses are not recommended for use by humans or zombies during direct confrontation as horses get freaked out by zombies and once you are dismounted – well, it’s not even worth considering.

Who Should Get Special Parking Status?

Posted: February 1, 2011 in Silly
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The ever Progressive San Francisco is considering granting Nannies special Nanny State Parking Passes so they might more easily allow the owners of said children to get away to more important activities than minding dull children.  Wine Bars in the Marina, Sailing, Combo Alcoholics Anonymous Meeting / Anasara Yoga Singles Nite Class all the way over in Berkeley…things like that.

Any right thinking person of a certain income will grant that such a Nanny Pass should be granted – hell should have been granted 100 years ago.

The permit should look something like this:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What other special groups should get special parking passes for parking?

Three come to mind immediatley:

a) Undercover Police Officers so they aren’t late to set up the criminals:

 

 

 

 

 

 

b) Medical Cannabis Customers (who will only really be parked in front of the Vapor Room for 10 minutes)

 

 

 

 

 

 

c) Food Trucks because eating Korean Tacos is more important that parking.

Greenpeace: Pimp My Boat

Posted: January 10, 2011 in Silly
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I'm on a Boat

This is the new $32 Million Dollar Rainbow Warrior III about to be set loose on the seas. It will cost several million dollars a year to run.

Am I the only one who would like to see the expense of this oceanic vehicle payed for by I’m on a Boat!leasing it out to rappers and rock stars to shoot ridiculous, misogynistic music videos on?

To me this sounds a lot better than sending scary fundraisers out to old ladies telling them whales will die unless they send $20.

Rap and Rock videos of a sexy, fantastical nature are also much more in parallel with the unstated raison d‘être of this vessel:

Testosterone induced chest puffing.

Rainbow Warrior III’s secret agenda – be the metrosexual counterpart to those angry Goths from Whale Wars.

Unlike the Sea Shepard and like the Bush administration you won’t find an inch of black on the RW III – in the crew or the engine. You’ll find the RW III sitting in a far flung marina bar decked out in Izod wooing some 21 year old Peace Corp babe with it’s extensive knowledge of the hottest new World Music out of Bulgaria and sly remarks about how Paul Watson has really let him self go in the past few years.

I’ll see you aboard baby – and make mine a free range organic Mai Tai.

Radovan Karadzic Joins NectarVillage; goes on Trial

Posted: December 30, 2010 in Bumblepuss, BurningMan, NectarVillage, Silly
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The Serbian New Age War Criminal joined NectarVillage today; it will be his first and perhaps last trip to arts festival BurningMan.  Mr. Karadzic plans to camp with HeeBeeGeeBee Healers where he’ll be practicing his three strongest healing modalities – energy healer, biofeedback and murdering any Bosnian Burners that may amble into the HeeBee chill space.

Karadzic currently resides in a cell in The Hague but after long delays and set backs the International Criminal Court has decided BurningMan is the best medium to put him on trial.

At night Radovan who has chosen the Burner name ‘Radost’ meaning ‘happiness’ or ‘joy’ in Slavic will go on trial at the Death Guild.  Each night starting at 3am-ish  Death Guild will have a special ‘Two Enter One Leaves, no we really mean it this time’ match.  Radost will get a chance to face of against other international war criminals including Liberia’s Charles ‘Dusty Chuck’ Taylor, Yale’s George “Kennebunk’ Bush and Canada’s Naomi ‘Commie Mommie’ Klein.

NectarVillage head honcho Soup was asked how he thought Karadzic would do in NectarVillage and at Death Guild, “He’ll fit in fine at Nectar, we’ve had war criminals camp with us before and we got along with them like a storm. How Karadzic fares at DeathGuild is anyone’s guess but one his grasp of energy work and great HeeBee meals can only help.”

When Radovan was asked what he thought his toughest challenge would be while at the Black Rock event he stated, “I’m most worried about shaving, I hear it’s a real bitch out there.”

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