Consumptives,
Follow @Consumptionblog on the Twitter for more truth, journalism, history of BurningMan, #OccupyPuertoViejo, Minimalist Mininalism and other bric-a-brac the chotskies don’t want to schlep to the internet.
@Consumptionblog – 140 characters of Boldness Walking the Shining Path of Righteousness
Tender Burn, San Francisco, CA (CN) — A battle that spans the centuries appears to have taken a turn for the Hippie. For as long as people can remember and then a little bit longer Hippies and Ravers have battled for subculture supremacy. At the Burn of ’69 Wendy Carlos groupies and fans of Strawberry Alarm Clock squared off in a violent melee and Burning Man has remained the epicenter of the Hippie vs Raver battle ever since.
Burning Man Bureau of Labor Statistics (BMBLS) released a report on Wednesday showing that Hippies have now gained the upper hand at the event North of Reno.
Numbers Don't Lie, Man
Ravers have always done acid, present company certainly not excepted,” said Bryan Stefarios, Executive Director of the Pro-Raver advocacy group DanceSafe. “The troubling aspect for ravers is the growth of the drum circles and Beats Antique. You can’t Rave to Beats Antique.”
Nearing the End of Raver Dominance
Professor of Techno and Raves at Detroit University, Jeff Mills predicted the flagging fortunes of Ravers in his 2008 book, ‘Raving Alone’.
“For years Ravers have held the upper hand at Burning Man – blasting Hippies into aural obscurity with 120 decibels of 150 bpm bass. As the bpms have come down with the English Dubstep Invasion drum circles started to grow again. Throw in Daniel Pinchbeck’s quixotic popularity, the four fold growth in Peruvian Ayahuasca Tourism, a severe decline in good Anthem Trance and Progressive House and Hippie Supremacy soon becomes inevitable. Sigh.”
Long time Hippie Burner ‘Dusty Lentil’ who was once co-consensus leader of a short lived association of Hippie Burners was reached for comment from his penthouse in the Upper West Side of NYC. “I don’t know, I just love hanging out with my friends, listening to some Sector 9, lentils, my air conditioned teepee and ummm…yeah.”
Gerlach, NV, (CN Wire) Burning Man Bureau of Labor Statistics (BMBLS) has released a metrics and graphs intensive report on ‘Rites of Passage’. Normally no one would care but for several startling surprises that is rumored to have Burning Man Corp. rethinking its whole raison d’être.
Careful measurement of foot traffic throughout Black Rock City confirmed rumors this year that NectarVillage received more foot and bicycle traffic than Center Camp.
Matheus Klinnsman, Chief Burner Statistician for BMBLS stated on a UStream Press conference, “As the above simple parametric graph shows NectarVillage cleaned Center Camps clock.”
“My recommendation to Burning Man Corp. is to rename Center Camp because it’s clearly no longer the center of the Burn, NectarVillage is.”
NectarVillage 2011 was composed of HBGB Healers, Shamandome, SnowKoan Solar, Contact Camp, Steambath Project and the mysterious Bumblepuss. NectarVillage was formed in the 19th Century after New York Tribune editor Horace Greeley stated “Go West Young Swedish Deep Tissue Masseuse, Go West,” or alternately after a group of Burners in a Bob’s Big Boy in Van Nuys, CA heard the new 1993 Pet Shop Boys single “Go West Young Rent Boy, Go West.”
Village Chief ‘Soup’ stated over 325 people camped with NectarVillage and were overwhelmed with traffic from every direction. Responding to press inquires via his iphone Soup responded, “Have you been destroyed! Welcome to NectarVillage Ma’am, have you been destroyed yet?”
A post-Burn DPW crew member ‘FireDust’ was asked for comment as she stumbled out of Bruno’s Country Club in Gerlach, NV. “Jazz Club? Jazz Club! $8 Coffee?! Fuck Off. NectarVillage has a Steambath. Throw up one of those and we’ll talk. Speaking of throwing up…Blaaaahhhhh…”
Burning Man Corp. was on holiday at their dacha outside Minsk and released a short response via e-mail stating, “If NectarVillage is really that popular perhaps we need to become a 501(c)3 non-profit.”
BMBLS has promised “thundering revelations of a statistical nature” later in the week. Stay Tuned to Consumption News Wire
It was great to meet so many Consumptives out at the event North of Reno.
A special shout out to all my peeps in Bumblepuss and NectarVillage – thanks for keeping it real.
This blog is not dead – updates, prizes, celebrity interviews and more will be appearing in October 2011 on this blog – stay tuned and beware!
Cheers,
Consumptionblog Management
ConsumptionBlog and Consumptive NewsWire will be be on hiatus as the overworked and underpaid staff take a long sought after vacation to that event north of Reno.
Marc Rests in Nectar Village During the Burn of '85 (It was a good Burn!)
Consumption will return as it always does. Refreshed and tanned with more exciting features about Burning Man, Minimalist Advice and a new website mashup sure to be in the charts with a bullet.
Until then loyal Consumptives; do take care.
Playa Report 2011.
Black Rock City, NV (CN) – I have received several accounts of the state of the playa surface from my well feed dusty moles in DPW.
It don’t sound good folks.
Over the past decade the playa has slowly decayed from a reliable rock hard surface where Andy “Green Man” Green’s art car ‘Pedal Masher’ broke the land speed record at the Burn of 1997 at 763 mph while 20 guests sipped dusty martinis and danced relentlessly from the roof deck into muck and decay.
DMV Would Never Approve This Now
From my most trusted source in DPW:
“In past years the playa surface resembles a baked brownie crust surface. This year it resembles a brownie mix still in the mixing bowl – a mixture of mud topped by a frothy Santorum of gas, PBR and last years Astroglide. It’s like a swamp.
Don’t even consider bringing a bike unless you plan to turn it into fire art. The playa is unridable. Hell, it’s nearly undrive-able. The higher ups at Burning Man are talking about having people park in Gerlach and be bussed in because so many cars are likely to get stuck in the muck.”
Your best way from Gerlach to BRC?
DPW Source #2
The weather has also been more extreme than usual. During the day it’s actually humid. The humidity has brought wildlife back to the playa. Last night I killed a Atropoides picadoi I found under the wheel well of my Toyota Tundra. Speaking of tundra; at night it’s gotten so cold that Trego and Frog Pond hot springs have frozen over. Think Ecuador in August during the Day, Kiev in January at Night. I expect most people will leave after a couple days, no matter what humiliating things they had to do to get tickets. 50,000 people my ass! By Thursday more like 5,000.
Do whatever you want fellow Burners but I’ve ditched the bike, bought some hip boots and anti-venom of Craigslist and am hoping just to survive.
Black Rock City, NV (CN) – The awesome folks at BurnerMap are holding a fundraiser by offering personalized Temp Tattoos.
From the website:
Share the love…
BurnerMap is our playa gift and will
always be FREE! But if you want to
pitch in and help us make the app
even better, we’ve got a lovely treat
for you…
Oh yes. Your own personalized
When you meet new friends you want
to see later, slap your playa address
on their asses. (Or wherever they like!)
The tatt isn’t permanent, but we
assure you the memories will be…
Order by Monday to make sure you recieve them.
Like a bad woman there are few things you can do to improve bacon. The one tried and tested way to improve upon bacon is to make more of it. The other less trodden path to better bacon is to add sugar.
Bacon!
You need to use good quality bacon for this – thick and with only natural smoked flavor, none of that Cool Ranch bacon shit all the kids are eating. Don’t crowd the pan with bacon for this dish – think quality over quantity.
Cut up desired amount of bacon into 1/2 inch lengths. Don’t use oil – spray the pan with that spray stuff at most, don’t use butter – if you get thick fatty quality bacon it will quickly create it’s own oil, known as Ambrosia.
You’ll need sugar. It’s not called candied bacon for nothing. If you are using unrefined ‘raw’ sugar smash it up a bit like you do with cocaine so the granules are a little smaller and the sugar will melt over the bacon better.
Fry up the bacon over medium high heat until the fats’ doing well and pan is well covered in bacon Ambrosia. This should take under ten minutes. Drain all Ambrosia from pan except for a tablespoon (more if you are cooking up a lot of it).
Cover each bacon piece with a decent amount of sugar and quickly turn the heat down to low – Think Woody Allen’s ‘Sweet & Down Low’
Keep an eye on the heat – you do not want the sugar to burn, rather you want to melt the sugar onto the bacon. Should take about 5 minutes. Bacon will turn dark with melted sugar and Bob’s your uncle. Take off heat immediately and let cool.
Once cool the candied bacon is lovely on the top of some vanilla ice cream (seriously!).
Music to listen to while making this dish:
That Brasilian Bossa Nova crap you hear at Starbucks
Aphex Twin AFX Analord #8
Cat Steven’s Tea for the Tillerman
Perfectly Cooked Bacon for the Masses
by Robin
It was stunning to me to realize that I had not shared my perfect bacon cooking method prior to 2010. Apparently the breakfast shift I was on was the first time many Bumblers were the recipients of my perfectly cooked bacon. T-Dazzle remembers it from our time together at HeeBees. This is the method to getting all of your bacon cooked all at once perfectly. You can have it as crispy or chewy as you want. And this method cuts down on the little snatchers who like to sneak bacon before the entire meal is done! BACK YOU RABID BUMBLERS! YOU MUST WAIT UNTIL THE EGGS ARE DONE! Oh, whoops, the eggs exploded in the boiler. I guess I should share my recipe for strained eggs also. See below!
Your Typical Bumbler Breakfast
BACON
In order to have all of the bacon done all at once, and perfectly for that
matter, you must put all of the bacon in the pan at once. Yes. Pile it
in! 5 pounds if you must! As long as the pan is not overflowing, it will
work just fine. You just have to keep stirring. KEEP STIRRING! STIR THE
BACON! It may take 20 or 30 minutes, depending on how dark you like it, but
trust me, when you pull all of it out at once and put it all out there for
the hungry Bumblers, no one will complain. Each piece will be cooked
exactly like the next, and all the way through. It will all be warm! No
half-charred, half-raw pieces here. Oh no. This bacon is perfect.
These go well with Bacon
STRAINED EGGS
Hopefully we won’t have to use this method again! If your egg bag explodes
in the boiler, fear not. Juicy eggs are just a strain away! Simply get the
colander and a friend to help you. Discreetly bring the boiler of eggs and
the colander to the gray water. Whether its early in the week or later will
determine how careful you need to be about people seeing you strain the
eggs. It might not matter as much later on in the week! Anyway, one person
holds the colander over the gray water container and the other person
carefully pours the watery eggs into the colander.
Voila!
Strained eggs. Perfect for any occasion.
Gerlach, NV (CN) – Burning Man is rapidly approaching. You have a ticket and an iffy ride from Eugene to Reno in a school bus. The next two weekends will bring a flurry of packing, preparation, procrastination and trips to Walmart fraught with guilt and amazing deals.
In these tough economic times how can you get back some of the thousands of hard earned Euros you’ll spend on making your experience north of Reno as exciting and comfortable as possible?
No, don’t take that dusty, unused can of Corn Beef Hash back to Walmart.
Request that Burning Man refund the full price of your ticket after the event.
Burning Man Corp. was founded by people with names like Black Swan, Chicken John, Jonny Law, Paul Addis, and Danger Ranger.
Burning Man Co-Founder
Now do they sound like the type of people to not refund your money?
Yes, they are.
But like a billionaire paying her taxes there is a loophole you can exploit to ensure you get a full ticket refund.
An obscure statute under the jurisdiction of the Nevada Bureau of Mines and Geology allows anyone to receive a full refund of their ticket to Burning Man.
However Burners need to complete the following steps carefully.
Step by Step instructions for asking for your money back after attending Burning Man.
a) Not hooking up with that hot blonde yoga instructor/long term art school student you flirted with Monday night next to that art and fire thingy.
b) Forgot some critical piece of equipment your camp mates were counting on you to bring.
Examples: zip ties or that eight-ball of coke you snorted waiting in line at the Gate.
c) Art Project gets finished Thursday afternoon instead of Monday.
d) Got lost and cold one night after raving it up at Nexus.
e) Exodus.
f) 4am Friday night port-a-potties.
g) Losing your travel size toenail clipper.
“Its somewhere inside my camelback, or is it in my tent? Fuck!”
h) Can’t find your friend.
“I have gone over to my best friends camp like six times and she hasn’t been there and her camp mates have been less than helpful – Fuck!”
4) Return from Burning Man.
5) Take a shower.
6) Take another shower.
Follow all those easy steps and you will be on your way to achieving a full refund for your Burning Man ticket.
After Burning Man come back to ConsumptionBlog for a form letter you can fill out to aid you in your quest for justice, dubstep, and a full refund of your ticket.
You’re Welcome.
CONSUMPTION BLOG 