Someone gifted Hurricane Hilary a ticket to Burning Man2023
Ahoy Burners!
Sometimes the Playa Conditions Report writes itself – I had a hurricane in mind when imagining the conditions that will greet Burners on the playa this year. Does this make me Playa Nostradamus? Probably. But as you’ll see, I wasn’t the only one who predicted a hurricane in the forecast for TTITD 2023.
The aftermath of the hurricane will be one huge salt lake, giving Burning Man a nautical aspect for the first time in many decades. Are you prepared?
My advice: Leave your bikes at home
Have you ever rode a bike through a desert in a hurricane? Me neither. Because you can’t. The wind and rain will blow you and your useless bike over into a thick morass of playa mud from which you may never escape like a volcanic explosion at Pompeii.
The Burn of 79 CE…it was a good Burn!
In celebration of the newly arrived oceanic nature of the Burn I will be uploading a nautical based acid house mix shortly for Acid Monday – stay tuned for the link.
Nautical facts about Burning Man you probably didn’t know:
Old Grimey, the amazing Art Car for NectarVillage was Dreamed up, Designed and Built by the totally awesome Chris Crazy Fart Box. In its original form before it came to the playa it was a small boat Chris salvaged from the SF Harbor and brought to his bonded warehouse near the docks. That’s why the driver of Grimey always has to wear a Captain’s hat at all times. The hardest part of building Grimey was putting wheels on it and a car engine. But it is still seaworthy and in past Burns, right at dawn, it demonstrated its magical ability to float above the playa. If things get really out of hand with the Burner Hurricane of 2023, Old Grimey will be a great art boat to be aboard.
Something or rather someone at camp should also give you hope: Vice-Admiral Soup. Soup attended the Naval Academy in Annapolis and is a master sailor who eats hurricanes for breakfast. He practically lives on the water in the salty port town of Sausalito. Have you been to the grotto in his house? It’s amazing. He sails everyday to SF for his job in the HMS Salty Soup. It’s little wonder he is in charge of navigating the event this year for the BMORG Corp.
It’s also noteworthy that the Temple this year is based on the myth of Noah’s Ark and if you look on a map of the playa it has no fixed address this year.
Like any good Burner, I have no idea what the theme of this years Burn is and with the exception of 2007 can’t remember any theme but when I saw a mock up of the Man this year it certainly raised an eyebrow or three with me:
The Man 2023 [pictured above] currently being built on the playa by Fire Boy and a dedicated crew of metalsmiths and undersea welders.
Finally I think most veteran Burners will agree with me on the following: Of my top 10 experiences ever at the Burn, I was wet for seven of them. So enjoy the hurricane Burners and don’t forget your flippers.
Please read the following history of Bumblepuss – we are coming up on two decades of Bumblepuss and it’s important that those of you who have only been camping with Bumble since 2015 (or even later!) know and appreciate our storied history.
A quick history of the origins of Bumblepuss and couches…and I swear this is actually, mainly true according to my Burner diary/journal I keep from each Burn.
Close your eyes dear Bumble and remember back to the simpler times of 2007. Life was good. The iphone was not yet upon us. ‘Umbrella’ by Rihanna was making us feel gratitude for just being alive. There were a mere 47,097 Burners. The French were on strike. I drank beer and had a myspace account.
The Burn of 2007 was a tumultuous affair called ‘Green Man’ because it made most people sick. The Man was Burned twice, first on Monday by ‘the last true Burner’, Paul Addis, who would go on to perform his last piece of art on San Francisco’s troubled public transport system.
Last True Burner
Soup and myself might have had something called an Art Car crash caused by a technical malfunction that sent someone to the hospital in Reno. As far as we know he lived but he could be dead now, it was a long time ago. The art car in question, Sage-N-ator (2007) nee Satreheddron (2003, 2005) was designed and built originally by a pyromaniac engineer named Docktor Random who designed fire suppression sprinkler systems for a living (I swear to God this is true). At a small decompression party in San Diego he once tried to set a beach on fire using old christmas trees and homemade explosives. The beach won but by the narrowest of margins. He was probably not a great engineer to rig an RV to be driven from the roofdeck. Safety third blah blah blah…
Our humble narrator found himself washing dishes during the 2007 Temple Burn in the notorious indentured labor camp known ironically as HBGB “Healers” (These people should be avoided). Soup was completely fried as well by the HBGB experience. Something needed to change or that was going to be the last Burn. On a 15 hour ride to the much missed official decompression party at the Grand Sierra Soup and I decided to do something different. We thought – ‘hey lets have less work and stress for ourselves by creating a Village and the Camp we’ll create and live in within the Village will do practically nothing but seem really important and cool.’ 2008 rolls around and after a shabbat service in Berkeley where our idea was blessed by a rabbi and given the name ‘Bumblepuss’ we started on our path to create the Camp and Village you know and love.
True to our original sleep-deprived vision on HWY 447 in 2007 all these many years later Bumblers still do very little besides avoid the hot midday sun, slap goats, eat food, tell jokes and consume drugs. This is a good thing.
The blessed free couches of 2008
One of the biggest pre-playa tasks we had to do for a new Camp and Village was to plan and obtain all the infrastructure needed. Much of the original infrastructure from the “condos” to the kitchen and lounge pole structure and even much of the kitchen equipment, chairs and storage was purchased, donated or stolen in 2008. The fact that it still exists and provides you Bumblers with shade and bacon to this very day is a dusty miracle.
Bumble dues that first year of 2008 were only $50 per person (inflation eh?!) and our diet consisted mainly of bacon, hummus and Costco burgers. Thankfully the angry Burner Gods were looking down upon us and shook their fists and blessed us with the Great Financial Crisis for without the GFC Nectarvillage would not have been possible.
We obtained a temporary storage unit in Oakland and slowly built up our inventory of infrastructure over the summer leading up to the Burn. But one of the biggest challenges was how do you get a bunch of couches for lazy Bumblers that are comfy and of a high quality but on a very very limited budget?
During the GFC lots of bad people were being punished by losing their homes.
They were driven into exodus in a hurry, often leaving their furniture outside their undeserved, overleveraged and now empty homes. Noticies were put on craigslist. For several weekends Soup and I borrowed the huge-ass truck of a Burner named Edge and we scrambled around to all the fashionable communities in the Bay Area where furniture was being recklessly abandoned. Looking back on my list we visited Fruitvale, Hayward, Fremont, South San Francisco, north San Jose, Richmond (kitchen chairs) and even East Palo Alto. We had hundreds of comfy, high quality almost new, ‘lets refi our house for the 7th time and buy all new ticky tacky furniture, what could go wrong’ couches from the bad people to pick from and we chose the best for you and for the thousands of Bumblers and visitors who came before you. We also picked up our first two refrigerators for the camp in this manner, one of which was abandoned in 2012 on the side of a highway in Fallon, NV.
Yes, that couch is headed to Burning Man
Many things have been done on those couches including but not limited to sleeping, just lying about, not doing much of anything and vaping/hippie crack stuff and they have served with distinction. If those OG couches are being replaced they should be Burned at a ceremony on open playa, perhaps Wednesday at 2pm slightly past and to the left of the Man. No need to tell ARTery, just let folks who may be concerned know that Soup grumbled something about it was ‘probably ok’ when he was half asleep, sneezing in a robe and cowboy hat.
Lounge on the couches well Bumblers, you deserve it.
Almost a Bumbler
As a quick aside…in recognition of the contribution of the Great Financial Crisis to the successful creation of Bumblepuss and NectarVillage we invited long time Burner and hedge fund manager Michael Burry to camp with us in 2009. He refused. But according to my daily Burner journal ‘Fire Mike’ did come by and sat with us on the couches and we ate some potato chips, he played drums and Adam introduced us to DMT vaping and we laughed a bit and wigged out a bit and then he went on his way and we continued to lounge there until nightfall came. We ate a little bit of hummus and Costco hamburgers, did some drugs, dressed up pretty, put on some lights so as not to be darkwads and headed out on our bikes singing ‘BUMBLE!’ every so often but we still lost each other after 20 minutes anyways.
Soon an announcement will be made in regards to tickets for this years’ 2022 thing in the desert, AKA Burning Man. You should be excited.
Bumblepuss and Nectarvillage intend to participate to our fullest and to make it our best year since the Burn of 2003, which will never be topped.
Some of you may have heard of Covid-19. Still fewer Bumbleers have concerns about Covid-19 and related misanthropic pandemic-ery. I am here to address those Bumblers with such knowledge and related concerns.
Rest assured Bumblers. Bumble Elders have met and we have a plan.
In order that there be not only equality but equity at Bumblepuss and NectarVillage it has been decided that all Bumblers and future Bumblers planning to camp with us in 2022 need to show proof of being infected with Covid-19 at some time within the last five years.
Priority will be given to certain Covid-19 variants. Those who received the OG ChinaFlu variant in 2019 through November 2020 will be admitted automatically. Those who were gifted the Delta Tau Delta variant will have points deducted from their application but are likely to get in. Bumblers blessed with the Alpha and Omega variants may be asked to camp elsewhere. Those special Bumblers who are granted the Omnikrom virus or any of the variants from January 19th, 2022 forward with the express purpose of camping with Bumblepuss will be made Camp Leads as reward for your special dedication and initiative to all things Bumble.
If you have any questions, just realize all decisions by Bumble Elders are final.
Gerlach, NV (CB) – While you can be certain you’ll be hearing ‘Get Lucky’ and the golden throated voice of Giorgio Morodor all over the playa this year, will the French electronic duo actually perform at Burning Man for the first time since 2002?
Young Daft Punk perform at Opulent Temple in 2002.
The answer is almost certainly a qualified ‘wee’. After having passed on the opportunity to expand their customer base at Burning Man 2011, Consumption Blog believes Daft Punk has been slowly building themselves up to a massive tour and are actively sending out unmistakeable signs Burning Man is their launching pad.
Behold the following FACTS:
The Daft Brothers chose not to perform at Coachella, instead staying backstage and watching the opiated masses swoon over their ad. Performers at Coachella are required to sign an exclusivity contract saying they will not play at other hot festivals in the desert. By not playing Coachella, Daft Punk left the door wide open to playing Burning Man. BassNectar, not so much.
Daft Punk Tackle Monaco
Daft Punk sponsored an art car at the Monaco Grand Prix. The DMV just raised the speed limit to 205mph and added a wicked set of double S turns in deep playa beyond the Temple. Coincidence?
The speed limit is 205 mph right?
The mini-documentaries Daft Punk created in the lead up to the release of ‘Random Access Memories’ featured only males geeking out about technical musical minutiae and not remembering the night before.
Giorgio doing his best Larry Harvey impersonation, perhaps just a bit too happy…
In an interview with Vogue in which they posed with a sparkle pony modeling playafied hair, Guy Monte Cristo stated their undying love of steambaths and lavender. “Lavender after a nice steambath with a bunch of naked hippies increases your Alpha rays which have been proven to increase play and creativity.” “Guy is correct,” interjected Tommy Bangin’ Bass . “We hit the steambath every chance we got while making this album and hope to be doing so again real soon.”
Two Punks and a Sparkle Pony Walk into a bar…
So there you have it fellow Burners and jaded ravers. That’s as close to a ‘yes’ as you are ever going to get from the soundtrack challenged French Electronic Duo of Some Repute. So expect to see Daft Punk performing at Burning Man this year. Perhaps not at one of the large sound camps already overbooked with dub step acts of dubious quality but perhaps wherever you might find a combination of lavender and a wood burning Finnish designed steambath.
When I saw the news flash of a meteorite hitting Russia today I immediately ascribed it’s origins to Burning Man. As a long time Burner, how could I not? For more on this unique event I went to the source, BurningMan.com. What I found was a cover up of all evidence the meteorite stirke was caused by the people who run Burning Man. Burners.me will soon have the full story I am sure.
Percent of the population for whom English is their first language
86% (81% – 90%)
Percent of population who reside in the US
76% (59% – 93%)
Except the fact that Bumblers are all hedonistic consequentialists practicing radical anarcho-syndicalism in all aspects in our lives and thus uniformly vote Republican, sans two wild and wooly Kantian Canadians, you basically nailed the nail on the head with the Burning Hammer of Truth.
Because of this radical self expression of group similarity between Bumblepuss and Burning Man I suggest that in 2013 you simply take a census at Bumblepuss. This would save the time and money of the BMorg and perhaps lower the ticket prices by .25¢. Volunteers could be used for other purposes such as staying in Reno and preparing the Grand Sierra Resort for the after party. Finally, those concerned with the relentless measurement-ization of Burning Man would have their worse Orwellian fears simultaneously assuaged and inflamed.
We at Bumblepuss after a long days work helping naked people into the Steambath Project puff our chests out, put our hands up and say,
“Count Us, Burning Man; for We, Bumblepuss, are Burning Man!”
Victoria, Australia (CN) – Australia’s sole academic journal concerned with cultural issues and stuff, Meanjin, recently published an article about Burning Man that has breathed new life into the slowly dying desert event.
The author of the article makes several controversial claims about Burning Man such as:
“I worried about the penises…”
“Burning Man began in 1986 on Baker Beach in San Francisco…”
“…bizarre goat-slapping ceremonies involving ridiculous paper-mache goats…” [Editors Note: Fact -There was no paper-mache, that goat was made of asbestos and transcendence.]
Founded by makers of fine cold Australian brew, VB, Meanjin has been published off and on more or less quarterly since 2009. Since the issue was published around beer o’clock on Wednesday the reaction has been mainly positive.
“We think the reaction has been good,” said Meanjin Editor Sally Heath reached at a payphone at the Laundry Bar in Fitzroy. “It’s hard to say really. We don’t allow comments and integration with the Facebook and the Twitter is a bit bourgeoisie. We’re working class. I mean I wouldn’t be caught dead in Vaucluse, even to visit my parents.”
Sally enjoys a word with her sponsor
“Meanjin will almost certainly have a themecamp at the Burn this year,” enthused article author Simone Ubaldi. “The theme ‘Wild West’ is a bit lame, but we’ll make due. 20,000 hippies aren’t going to mock me in your article are they?”
“20,000 hippies can go to hell,” screamed Burning Man founder Larry Harvey from a scratchy payphone near his winter dasha on the Black Sea. “The Burn has felt a bit flat since, well, at least Green Man. This article is just the ‘Melbourican Quicksilver’ we need to jump start the event back to life.”
Australian classic 'Young Einstein' was watched by dozens in 2011
Oolong Burners, a branch of the American Tea Party movement expressed concern for the growing Antipodean influence at the event north of Reno.
“The Kiwis were all over The Temple of Transition this year,” said Oolong Spokesperson Tommy T-Baggin responding via e-mail. “You couldn’t get within 50 metres, I mean yards and if I did mean meters I’d spell it the American way…anyhoo… Ashram Galatica was positively smashed with Aussies. If we don’t watch it Alice Springs will be the new Gerlach in no time. Have you ever been to the Walmart in Alice Springs? Me neither, but $10 says it’s terrible.”
Over the years Meanjin has achieved notoriety in it’s homeland for taking on various cultural taboos including:
Top 10 places to Purchase Heroin in Redfern
Gee Twenty – The Average Australian Vocabulary and John Howard
Essendon vs Collingwood – Why Victorian Sports Suck
Burning Beds – Cultural Hegemony and Midnight Oil
Flight of the Reactionaries – The False Consciousness of Kiwi Humor
Nectar Village HQ, San Francisco (CN) – As the below news footage from Burning Man 2011 demonstrate Placement are always the hardest folks to deal with at the Event North of Reno.
For more information about Nectar Village and the mysterious Soup mentioned by Adolf check out:
It was stunning to me to realize that I had not shared my perfect bacon cooking method prior to 2010. Apparently the breakfast shift I was on was the first time many Bumblers were the recipients of my perfectly cooked bacon. T-Dazzle remembers it from our time together at HeeBees. This is the method to getting all of your bacon cooked all at once perfectly. You can have it as crispy or chewy as you want. And this method cuts down on the little snatchers who like to sneak bacon before the entire meal is done! BACK YOU RABID BUMBLERS! YOU MUST WAIT UNTIL THE EGGS ARE DONE! Oh, whoops, the eggs exploded in the boiler. I guess I should share my recipe for strained eggs also. See below!
Your Typical Bumbler Breakfast
BACON
In order to have all of the bacon done all at once, and perfectly for that matter, you must put all of the bacon in the pan at once. Yes. Pile it in! 5 pounds if you must! As long as the pan is not overflowing, it will work just fine. You just have to keep stirring. KEEP STIRRING! STIR THE BACON! It may take 20 or 30 minutes, depending on how dark you like it, but trust me, when you pull all of it out at once and put it all out there for the hungry Bumblers, no one will complain. Each piece will be cooked exactly like the next, and all the way through. It will all be warm! No half-charred, half-raw pieces here. Oh no. This bacon is perfect.
These go well with Bacon
STRAINED EGGS
Hopefully we won’t have to use this method again! If your egg bag explodes in the boiler, fear not. Juicy eggs are just a strain away! Simply get the colander and a friend to help you. Discreetly bring the boiler of eggs and the colander to the gray water. Whether its early in the week or later will determine how careful you need to be about people seeing you strain the eggs. It might not matter as much later on in the week! Anyway, one person holds the colander over the gray water container and the other person carefully pours the watery eggs into the colander.
The following truth falls like pearls from the lips and gilded onyx keyboard of Clear, a man who has many roles in Bumblepuss – High Holiest Highest Priest of Goat Slapping being first and foremost – bringer of many vibrant people to Bumble – massage artist – DPW representative and soon he’ll be cracking your ribcage open and massaging your heart as he undertakes an online course in cardiac surgery.
Please retain this for the records:
The Alternate Unabridged Version of Our people, where Burning Man Originated and how to roast an apple without getting your feet burned.
The night was one of the full eclipsed moon circa 2539 BC when the idea first hit our historical godfather’s ancestor le Gizzle del Pete…who was a dope gangsta style version of your classic Roman emperor, and the chief of the nomadic goat herding tribe the ~Umbfus’ious of Nec’ar V”lleege. It was an ancient people who’s history could go back farther, but to what end, for Gizzle was the dopest chief off that ever made history.
His father’s ancestor, it is said, was the guide to Moses. It is saidith and so it is written that the great P-Gizzle was the first of know man to step foot on the desert and piss clear. From here, people reared him as a savior. How could any man in a desert be hydrated they wondered. The Gizzle said, I am the savior and leader and one day I will bring great peace to this desert. I will lead a revolution of sorts and invention of sorts that will be the basis that saves humanity, the basis that allows humanity to evolve to the next level, conquer other planets, to go where no goat has ever gone before.
P-Gizzle roamed the lands on a vision quest, but before he left, he taught his people to cook a reguvination apple:
1 Apple
Honey
Spirulina & Maca (or earth blend)
1 Black handled mini knife/toothpick
Core Apple
(leaving the bottom fully intact so as to act a cup for the honey)
Heat Apple
Poke holes into apple from core towards skin (do not puncture skin)
Pour in Spirulina and Maca and Honey
Let sit overnight Eat Naked next day Steam Bath Project Massage Sit in sun/kitchen with other Bumblers Feel reguvinated
As time would have it, the Gizzle had been gone for what seemed centuries. Later we find out he met up with a homey named Jebus in the wilderness and granted him three wishes….long story. Nonetheless, Gizzle returned home and the people were joyous, but upset they had lost their leader for so long. They found he had returned with a man named Jebus. They blamed this man for his having had taken away their leader. Lies, said Gizzle, but nobody listened. They burned Jebus. It was…
The First Burning Man.
Later that night….they realized their wrong doing and built a temple in his honor. Gizzle said, “We shall burn this temple too for our mistake hath written history wrong! And I shallf forever be known as Jebus the savior, for I will return to the towns as he, and all the lands will know not that which has been mistaken here. And as I am gone you will make this spot your camp forever and ever and ever forever.”
They made camp upon the spot and raised an apple each to their leader.
That very night the first goat was slapped as Jebus, the leader, left. It was his famous last words in which we recall today, “From henthforth hitherto ye shall never again have a leader. For ye all will lead when leading and lead not when not leading. You will be the last and only tribe upon this planet of which will know the ways of the way. You shall be aware that you will go into history, isolated in this desert as the only leaderless group ever and forever ever forever. Ye shall know and remember, that to lead is the false way of phophets and to slap is the true belief in self, humanity and the way.” (Word for word as recorded by Broseephious the Righter in the year of Broseephious 1298 DB as in During Broseephious, which we are not sure what correlation it has to any other calender as he did not record anything else and lived isolated with the rest of the tribe from the rest of the world thereafter the recorded history.
Years later archeologists believe they have found the remains of this first tribe with their only weapon, device or food preparation tool in the Black Rock Desert where it is believed they lived during those times of old. It is also believed they fashioned thier tiny knives and picks with the bone of goat, which is long gone and the handle yet still remain, of rock. Today you find this rock between itself and the soft place we call playa.
It’s believed the camp Bumblepuss of Nectar Village and their holy Godfather T-Dizzle fled the desert in 1980 PDB as in Post During Brospephious when word came that a new people were to colonize the land, and they had a leader named Larry. The people of Bumble decided it was time to let the world come to them and they did. They opened up to a new way, they acted as if they’d never been to the desert and let the newbies believe it was a “discovery!” They populated the desert with these new peoples as one of them. They even opened their own camp to particiapte in the goings ons with them.
It’s said when someone comes around Bumblepuss and asks, “Who’s in charge?” The best answer is “I am.” Cause they don’t want anyone to know they, we, who we really are. And Jebus forbid, the Burners of today start coming to the Bumblepuss asking, how do we live a utopian society like you have? How did you figure it out in just the few short years since we’ve all been coming to the desert? How come our camp has leaders and assistants and people in charge of this and work hours and shifts, and still nothing gets done, and still there are fights and dramas? How is it your people has not a single list or leader and all is done and not a drama is in the air?
The Bumblers are said to usually direct the questions to the Goat…
And so it is said, and so it is written.
CONSUMPTION BLOG 